Archive for 2008



you know with this internet thing and the openness of blogging – whatever it may truly mean beneath the words and possible pretenses – reading the blog of someone whom you know, who you may not necessarily keep in touch with on a regular basis (truly my greatest vice) – its like stalking them. even if you do it in a sporadic fashion, even if you don’t even do it more than twice a year, it still feels like that.

then it gets even worse. you wonder why your life is nothing like theirs at all. and you wish, you wish so feverently, that it wasn’t so.

i’m myopic so this is nothing new really; so whenever i am tired, or very stressed, i see double of everything. its like a lens out of focus or too long of a focal length to keep things in sharp view. its abit distressing when you think, oh fatigue you got me good this time, then 20 hours of sleep later your vision is still in that state

i have this philosophy towards technology – i laugh at the people who buy their expensive electronics and then “skin” them in transparent plastic and stickers. i think its a futile attempt at extending their shelf lives. as if this temporal temprement of today’s life allows such cherishing. there is greater virtue in breaking things than keeping them whole. broken ipod? new ipod touch! broken laptop? new laptop! so i don’t keep my electronics in their perfect unboxed state. i turn them tarnished inside out, i let it live out is life in full glory outside the bubble of a plastic womb, i leave them the chance to be broken.

lately my health has really suffered; i mean as a child i rarely fell ill. twice a year, mostly a well-enjoyed serious flu (because illness is just another substitue for “school holiday”), and then i am fine. now i fall ill all the time. i’ve vomitted twice in the past 2 weeks, i wake up with stuffy ears and nose, my legs cramp and my arms are sore from just one freaking jogging session…

i think, probably, my philosophy towards technology is a manifestation of my subconciousness. we all break. i have taken advantage of my body’s healing powers in excess, and now in its aged state — i am a 23-4 year old with a 50 year old’s body — i’m almost ready for a new cycle.

just overclock me and let it be done already!



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shiny doesnt even begin to describe it

it’s pretty much the new love of my life.



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the incredibad haircut

my conclusion: this is the work of an inbred hairdresser born to the most retarded individuals on earth


10 years of friendship

a) reminds me how old i have really gotten and b) how great she really is. i used to say – if i could have just ONE true friend in my life, i would truly have been privileged to have one of life’s greatest blessings. i have her. i could not ask for more.


an internal family duel may ensue

there’s going to be a fight over where i can hang these. from digital to print is a weird experience. you can do everything on your end to make sure colors end up accurate… but they never do. fuck you snapfish ^-^

update: i lost. something about religion and photographs. LEWLS CHINESE PEOPLE LEWLS

also today: mother baked super shiny chicken wings that were delicious. i had to make myself stop after 2 because they were soooooooooo good

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the force is strong with this one

2008-12-17_233305i’ve wanted to make something like this for ages now and have only just gotten around to it. its really cute.

i’m so proud of you baby sister

the hardest part of an education just got over for you; it’s smooth sailing from here on!



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birthday post!

 i wrote a lot of shit about my day but it all sounded contrived and retarded, so i erased it all. i am starting to favor brevity over verbosity. this blog is proof. the photo-centric blogging combined with random fragmented sentences sort of calms me down. i am delighted to have so many photos to post, but at the same time there are so many stories behind everything and it feels somewhat wrong to not use the medium of the written word to communicate them, when this is essentially a blog. still, this is strangely calming. i feel at ease when i am brief, which is hardly the norm for me

nevertheless i find myself more in my element when i write about nothing in particular. being specific gets so tiring when the words don’t come out right and do no justice to the event. thats probably why i could never write formoney, and that the only thing i am ever capable of writing is of my feelings.

because feelings are fluid. and sure, i have had a lot of them today, but there is a kind of marvel in being unspecific. i don’t want to talk about a certain part of how i feel, i want it all to come out in a mishmash of the undefined, and i want whoever that reads this to relate without ever understand what i mean

vague and incredible grandiose. that is so me.

more to come. when i fix this shitty blog of mine.



joe got me flowers for my birthday… they look interesting, don’t they? 

had to sew my teddy bear back together for the millionth time today. it was sitting on my bed looking totally miserable and unbecoming; i don’t know how on earth it gets so beat up when all it does is stay in a corner on my bed. maybe there’s a buncha ants eating away at the seams.

i really hate ants. lately the worker ants in my room have become incredibly brave and started going straight to my water glasses and whatnot. pisses the shit out of me to have to check before i take a sip out of my glass. i hate that. i want to get rid of all the ants in the world so badly.

i thought it was fairly curious for me to have such an intense hatred for ants. after all, a life is a life and what in god’s name could make their life less precious than mine? every time i squish one i actually talk to them. i say things like, “welcome to your funeral” or “whats up, did i not tell you to stay out of my space”

yeah. i have taken to talking to ants. i must be going flipping insane.

killing ants is so easy that it makes no sense to kill them at all. its not that murder has to be point blank difficult; it is just that murder has so much meaning to it that it shouldn’t be this easy. but it is. death is so easy. death comes so easily. i couldnt imagine dying to the fleshy finger tip of any figure but it could just as easily happen to me… can’t it?

life is so unfair. the fact that there is power play between everything on earth is proof of this. mom says that life is unfair and the proof lies in the varying length of fingers on our own hands; none of them are equal, none of us are equal

i used to think that that was a retard philosophy. now i see sense.

i wonder if this blog will still be here when i have children. if i have children. if i could get them to read what i say, if these words would have more meaning to them and give them better parenting than i would be able to in the future. its very odd but every movie you see with a dead parent and a recollection via diaries is always such a powerful annotation of parenting. like you couldnt do better, like dead parents in the form of a memory are much more powerful than the ones who are alive

it is severely disrespectful to say this but one can’t help but marvel at the kind of idea that the SPIRIT of a person is much more meaningful than that person itself. WHY? why can’t we just treasure what we DO have? why do we have to look to the ephemeral? why can’t there be.. some kind of reverance… that doesn’t waver…that doesn’t fail in time when the object is REAL

it’s like love. love is the perfect example of human idealism. that we want love to be forever sweet and romantic, but time destroys it all when mundanity and routine becomes part and parcel of the balance between 2 people. when you start to want more, or want something else; what we want of love is so… ephemeral. temporal. what we need to learn is that there needs to be more, there needs to be some kind of realism to it all, there needs to be practicality and rhyme and reason

thats why love is unreliable. being in love is unreliable. one day you are happy next day you are devastated. the difference could be one word, one sentence, one moment gone awry, and love seems no where to be found, hidden in the visages of anger and frustration 

the various degrees of love are fascinating. 

off to bed i go. woot.


feeling the pinch


whenever i get a bit too poor (and i am excessively so due to my state of general joblessness for 6 months), i do the classic thing of pinching every penny. that means every dollar every cent counts and i start to be paranoid about how much i am spending. so i start to cut back on everything i buy but still the old habits creep in and things become bad again



so i have spent approximately $4500 in the past 6 months, which is a lot of money considering the fact that i don’t do much at all. and obviously, i can’t justify it, which makes it all the worse

lately i have been dreaming about money. seriously. i spend most of my dreams wondering about my finances. if that is not a hallmark of adulthood i don’t know what is

which is really weird.

anyway, i switched my usenet service from giganews to a supposedly less awesome provider, only to find that it was actually way superior to giganews. this makes me sad. i spent a lot of money on giganews. i could have saved a bunch if i was way more savvy. ah.

either way i am not spending idle money any more. i am budgeting. for the next month i am going to survive on $100. i doubt i will make it but whatever.


joe’s flowers

the flowers all died. only the weeds bloomed, and even then not all of them did. what does this mean?

it could go either way. it could mean the relationship was doomed from the start and nothing can salvage it; or that i am a heinous florist.

in the spirit of being practical, i choose to believe the latter


christmas eve v.s. new year’s eve

i was watching alfie yesterday and the main character said, “christmas eve is the second loneliest day of the year”; the first being, of course, new year’s eve. its odd because my christmas eves are generally pleasant. small gatherings with friends to unspectacular places for a spectacular time, family gatherings with no christmas tree in sight but a lot of loving in the cramped space of our flat – either way it always goes well. which must mean i am blessed. 

new year’s eve, on the other hand, does get a bit lonely. i am almost always alone new year’s eve because it is a day that bodes of so many bad memories.  i general prefer contemplation to rowdy drunkendness and so i don’t go to countdowns; when you grow older and everything exhausts you, you tend to believe the way to tire yourself out is best done in solitude, and not smelling like vomit in the dawn of a new year. last year’s new year’s eve was tragic because a lot of fighting was going on and no one was all too pleased with the way we spent it. we watched terrible fireworks and inhaled a lot of residual smoke.  no one smiled when the clock struck 12; even though the contraband of the singapore sky lit up the night. 

so i don’t really want to think about new year’s eve this year. i am kinda hoping i can spend it alone and have no questions asked. i think i really do have social anxiety. or maybe that’s just an excuse i made for myself so i can avoid people altogether.