joe got me flowers for my birthday… they look interesting, don’t they? 

had to sew my teddy bear back together for the millionth time today. it was sitting on my bed looking totally miserable and unbecoming; i don’t know how on earth it gets so beat up when all it does is stay in a corner on my bed. maybe there’s a buncha ants eating away at the seams.

i really hate ants. lately the worker ants in my room have become incredibly brave and started going straight to my water glasses and whatnot. pisses the shit out of me to have to check before i take a sip out of my glass. i hate that. i want to get rid of all the ants in the world so badly.

i thought it was fairly curious for me to have such an intense hatred for ants. after all, a life is a life and what in god’s name could make their life less precious than mine? every time i squish one i actually talk to them. i say things like, “welcome to your funeral” or “whats up, did i not tell you to stay out of my space”

yeah. i have taken to talking to ants. i must be going flipping insane.

killing ants is so easy that it makes no sense to kill them at all. its not that murder has to be point blank difficult; it is just that murder has so much meaning to it that it shouldn’t be this easy. but it is. death is so easy. death comes so easily. i couldnt imagine dying to the fleshy finger tip of any figure but it could just as easily happen to me… can’t it?

life is so unfair. the fact that there is power play between everything on earth is proof of this. mom says that life is unfair and the proof lies in the varying length of fingers on our own hands; none of them are equal, none of us are equal

i used to think that that was a retard philosophy. now i see sense.

i wonder if this blog will still be here when i have children. if i have children. if i could get them to read what i say, if these words would have more meaning to them and give them better parenting than i would be able to in the future. its very odd but every movie you see with a dead parent and a recollection via diaries is always such a powerful annotation of parenting. like you couldnt do better, like dead parents in the form of a memory are much more powerful than the ones who are alive

it is severely disrespectful to say this but one can’t help but marvel at the kind of idea that the SPIRIT of a person is much more meaningful than that person itself. WHY? why can’t we just treasure what we DO have? why do we have to look to the ephemeral? why can’t there be.. some kind of reverance… that doesn’t waver…that doesn’t fail in time when the object is REAL

it’s like love. love is the perfect example of human idealism. that we want love to be forever sweet and romantic, but time destroys it all when mundanity and routine becomes part and parcel of the balance between 2 people. when you start to want more, or want something else; what we want of love is so… ephemeral. temporal. what we need to learn is that there needs to be more, there needs to be some kind of realism to it all, there needs to be practicality and rhyme and reason

thats why love is unreliable. being in love is unreliable. one day you are happy next day you are devastated. the difference could be one word, one sentence, one moment gone awry, and love seems no where to be found, hidden in the visages of anger and frustration 

the various degrees of love are fascinating. 

off to bed i go. woot.

one response to lethargy

  1. Kelly Brown Says:
    June 13th, 2009 at 8:47 am

    Hi, gr8 post thanks for posting. Information is useful!

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