Archive for 2009


09
January
[2009]


21
January
[2009]


15
February
[2009]


01
March
[2009]


max

01
March
[2009]


that day that day

wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy overdue post on chinese new year…

02
March
[2009]


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mom’s birthday + some more overdue albums

-_- mom’s birthday was in early febuary and obviously i missed the post… i am a genius yes?

have to get out of this groove of complete asininity. meaning, have to start looking at self with the critical eyes of others. get a new perspective. stop acting like a child. look for better things in life. move on.

there is no value in being idle

k, even i can’t convince myself. you wanna try?

17
March
[2009]


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bad temper

really on edge today. everything irritates me, including the fucking airplanes and their roaring engines. the children downstairs need to shut up and stop playing basketball in the middle of the night. i need a soundproof room so i can be at peace FINALLY. 

 

people annoy me. i really don’t like many of them.

22
March
[2009]


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31
March
[2009]


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05
April
[2009]


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i live in paradise

march and april are the best times to take a million photos in singapore. the skies are a perpetual blue and the clouds are just beautiful. i am such a cloudwhore, i don’t know why i ever gave up sky-gazing. i would spend time just riding in buses, mesmerized by how that patch of visible sky would always be filled with the same but different beauty of clouds.

its cliche to say it but the simple things in life really do make it good. but you have to look through the eyes of contentment, and then you would be left not wanting more…

but i am thinking about travelling again; i really want to see places again and now is the perfect opportunity. i want to see the world for what it is before everything else changes again

11
April
[2009]


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mostly harmless

cousin got her relationship with some bland boy solemnized today. didn’t go and pretend i was happy for her, since i am not one of those people who enjoy meeting superficial conceited fools, so i dodged the ocassion with all my might. so glad i didn’t too, because my mother and 2 sisters attended and so had a terrible start to their day

so they came home and told me all about it, and i could feel my mom trying to avoid sounding disappointed with how i live; i smiled because i knew that she wasn’t blaming me for not being in a steady relationship with a rich boy, or having a job that pays well and keeps me away from home..and she was trying really hard to not make it seem like that

but it got me thinking. you know how some people go through their entire lives being directed and pointed on by someone else, having lack of ambition or passion for their jobs, and end up just becoming part of the flow of humans who just are? i sometimes admire their lack of personality, their lack of opinion and their lack of protest against anything that actually matters in life. people like that astonish me. but i mostly pity them, because they live life without living. so by the social measurements of success, and for all intents and purposes the definition of it by biology, they may have lived, but really, they are nothing more than becoming part of a machine that they did not consent to build nor deign to alter.

people like that never change. they never know what they want. so sue me for being individualistic enough to want nothing more than to find out for myself, what i really want in life. i am proud to say it, and i damn anyone who dares to comment on how off the schedule of adulthood i am. i will be a bum at 24, i will be a bum at 25 if i so choose, but i will not stop being a bum just because.

i’ll be there when i’m ready. i am and i have always been like that.

anyway, said cousin is basically a person that has no opinions of her own and doesn’t really enjoy life in a critical way; i mean she went to europe for 3 months and came back literally unchanged. how do you live abroad for so long and experience so many cultures and still remain the same person, just more superficially enriched in the ways of the others? how do you not meet people you love and laugh with, get a new insight on what you want in life? how do you come back to the mundanity of a complex materialism that is neverending…?

dunno. don’t want to be like that though, for sure.

anyway, due to this unfortunate event of her solemnisation, mom was quite irked. to ease some of that feeling, we decided to go out for dinner, and we ate. happily. before we left our building for the restaurant, i took this photo of papa and joan. sometimes i feel really lucky about what i have; i don’t even bother changing my lenses any more, learning to live with the 30mm on a dx camera just helps me focus on the point of photography even more. they look so happy in this one, and they really were for the majority of the evening. we made friends with some japanese children, who my brother mocked mercilessly for the most part in the uttering of japanese brandnames and what not (a la scary movie 3740918) and had a relatively good dinner. i went off early instead of going to the pub with the family; there is something really weird about doing that as a family activity, a bit too weird for me to participate in. i didn’t really go home though, i walked around and looked at envy at all the svelte figures of the young girls around me, and thought about the last time when i was that attractive, and decided, quite suddenly, that i was going to achieve that level of attractiveness again. it would be so nice to be like that again.

but until then, i’m mostly stuck here… in a mostly harmless fashion.

13
April
[2009]


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all eyes on me

trying to explain a lion dance to a foreigner is an interesting experience. obviously i know what constitutes the tradition and culture of such an aged practice, and what inelegance it wards off in its superstition it makes up for in its marvellous art and form. so, without the further aid of being present at the event itself, it becomes almost difficult to verbalize the wonders of such a simplistic act.

the truth is, lion dance requires a lot skill. the coordination and trust between the hind and front legs of the pseudo godlike creature is a test of human cooperation. i want to think, that in order to do a great lion dance, you must devote hours of practice into becoming an infallible entity of one. i wonder what its like to try and master this art.

me, i probably couldn’t muster enough will and discipline to ever attempt.

17
April
[2009]


myopic

bit of a bother today trying to sort out my feelings. not too much of a trouble though. had a fight with my mother after confronting her on opening my letters, annoucing to the living room her counts and misdeeds of invading into my privacy. i don’t like it. i tolerated it in the past because i didn’t give her cause to trust me but in the past 5 years i have been nothing but a good girl so i don’t know why i deserve this rubbish.

the way i see it, there is respect and then there is concern. sometimes the latter comes after the former but most of the time the latter masquerades itself as the former. and that’s just not right.

no matter what i do i feel pretty trapped. read my chat logs, thought about my relationship, think about what kind of demonic insurgent feelings i have had to fight in the past month, clarified my feelings with nick, thought about joe, remembered allan, and temporarily wondered what life would be like if i had never deviated from my record of not cheating.

i mean, honestly. what kind of a girl am i now. just some clingy whiny insane bitch who hasn’t got a clue what she wants out of life for herself, so all day long she just looks elsewhere to make life more…meaningful.

tragic.

don’t know what i want out of life still. mainstream wisdom denotes this feeling of confusion as typical and acceptable. nick said that 25 is the new 21 – when in the past, 21 year olds are expected to get their lives sorted out, that life-changing sort of thing has been delayed to 25, so i have really only less than  year to get there

frankly, i doubt i will ever… be able to.

charm. girls all have charms. the charm of a girl differs from age to age, and i had it all down for a while. pretty girl with solid skills in the bedroom and an intellect strong enough to display in public – the younger the more impressive. it was easy.

now it’s pretty hard. when you are this old it gets to you. you just don’t have the capital for that shit anymore.

being stuck in the world of young people is hard when you haven’t a clue on how to grow younger, except act completely childish.

fuck that. i don’t need anybody who can actually replace me, walk away and turn back on me because he is sleepy. i don’t need someone who can’t take my bitching and whining, while i take his all day long. i don’t need anyone who hasn’t given me ANYTHING but promises, and even then my faith falters from his secret keeping. i mean honestly, who do you take me for? i’m this good, i am this beautiful, i am this strong

don’t need nobody.

19
April
[2009]


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30
April
[2009]


in memory of james

you were the elder brother i never had. and though i never knew you as well as i should have, and i will forever regret that i never cherished you as i should have, i’ll ALWAYS… remember you. thank you for having graced my life with your presence. you made the world a better place with your life and we will never stop missing you

09
May
[2009]


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happy mothers day, my dearest mom

part zwei tomorrow!!

16
May
[2009]


$153


100% not worth it, but the highlights are pretty

YEAH I KNOW I AM FAT NOW shhhhhhuttttt uppppppp

21
May
[2009]


how do these people with lives upkeep their virtual diaries and presence!?!?

anyway…i made lynda icons for my dock! they are super duper. here’s how i use them:

 having all my lynda training videos saved to a disc or a virtual image, i then keep them handy in a folder and access them chapter by chapter. it’s way better than the outdated GUI from lynda.com; i also handle the exercise files in a similar fashion, so i get ahead with my learning much much faster than i ever would if i had to navigate through the GUI via explorer.

it’s fun doing this, and i highly recommend everyone subscribe to lynda.com; its a great way to learn some soft technical skills!

22
May
[2009]


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“because if you are not yourself…then who are you?”


get ready, fragments ahead

1. job interview. thats right, singular, not plural. in my slowpoke fashion in jobseeking i applied for only one job. i got to the pivotal ‘second round’, didn’t do so good down there, and i suppose no clandestine powers were in purview to save me one more time. that’s alright. i’ll wait for the ‘result’ of that 4pm golf-club job interview for a marketing executive and move on. wonder how depressed i will be. more importantly, i wonder how long it will be for me to stop being depressed…

2. brandy’s human album = super duper. here, play it from start to finish – i don’t know how anyone with an iota of feeling could dislike it. k shallow sentiments, overused beats, who the fuck gives a true fuck – i like the feeling it gives me. like a friend who knows what i have been through, what i am thinking…what i am feeling. that’s good music. that’s a reason to love music.

3. relationships. me and him are so good now, i think i may jinx it simply by mentioning it, so maybe that’s why i don’t often celebrate the both of us. but we have so much reason to do it; i think i am slowly becoming less muddle-headed, learning to be less demanding… appreciating all the small things… so maybe, i don’t have all the trust in the world for him now, as i used to do, but i think, i strongly believe (i put some strength in typing that word ‘strongly’ right there) that we AREN’T who we were a month ago; we are so close to who we fell in love with. one another. i am strong again. i can love myself again. i feel in control. like i know what i am doing and i know why i am doing it; and he is not the reason to live… he just makes living worth it. i smile thinking of his face. 5 minutes of just us is enough to help me through the next 24 hours of missing him.

that’s my heart. it knows what it wants and i am not fighting it with suspicion and painful paranoia and insecurity; i see these feelings… i recognize they are mine… but i know i can be more than them; they are mine, but they aren’t me.

better this way.

4. i cried a little bit because of what i thought about while writing #3. crying is an interesting feeling. i often think about my life in terms of the other people i have met in my life, i think of my family and i believe i know how i can make their lives better — what i can buy them, what i can say to them, what i can do for them, and i do those things. but here is the tragic truth. i don’t know them completely. they keep secrets from me. they keep secrets from EVERYONE. something they tell one group of people, they withhold from another group.

i found out my sister is smoking. for the first 5 minutes i was angry. then the anger went away. we know all the reasons why we shouldn’t do something bad, but we do it anyway.

i think of my life and the people i’ve known, what had become of them and what they were doing at the point in which i met them. the smokers the drinkers the juvenile delinquents with a thieving tendency, the addicted the dropouts the artistically talented who choose to relinquish it all for a path preapproved by society, the smart the stupid the slow but persistent, the tenacity in which everyone worked at what they thought wanted, and the sad fact that none of them knew exactly what it was. the elusive life goal. i think of them and i believe, i am so lucky, i came out unscathed. not a smoker, not a drunk, never injected drugs or sniffed glue voluntarily, never fought (enough to warrant bleeding), never had to give up much in life

i am so ok. i am so lucky. i lived vicariously, i took from them those poor moments in life that they had because of the life choices they had made and i retained the wisdom to rise above the misery, my own misery; so i never ended up becoming part of any big group permanently, i never had to look to satisfy myself with a persistent peerage, i was always so happy to be alone

maybe thats why i don’t stick around long, whoever it is that i choose to be around. i know the human spirit is so flawed and thoroughly fallible… that whoever i want to love, the people i choose as friends…if i stuck around longer, i would know that they too are far from perfect.

better to keep them in my mind as the great individuals i have thought them to be.

5. games!!!!!! i got new games!!!!!! and they are fun. but i still go back to guild wars. “better the devil you know”, i guess.

6. i am learning korean. i am surprisingly good at it. ok, that’s a lie, but i actually learnt the korean alphabet. i am so happy about it. now i can look up songs.

7. thats all i guess. soooo much for fragmented ranting….

24
May
[2009]


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i was having a pretty bad one

i’m tired and groggy, i have work i don’t particularly feel like touching (it’s almost done but i am so supremely unhappy with what i have right now), i haven’t touched my portfolio in a week (done designing, needs coding and adjustments, preparatory work), i saw like 10 different jobs i am somewhat interested in but i can’t bring myself to apply for any of them, my computer has this terrifying dirty bit that i can’t get rid of (i think, although it seems like alles klar now considering how that problematic folder has disappeared), i want to go swimming but i have the flu (wouldn’t be socially irresponsible to go swimming in public pools when you are sick), i haven’t taken a single good photo in forever, i am poor, my blog almost broke itself (after trying to troubleshoot it for ages i realized i had accidentally taken out the include for ‘footer’ for plugins, which is just completely stupid on my part, but i couldn’t see it with the generated html), i am so mad about my coding, i have no discipline whatsoever and my code just ends up being this chunk of general !important;s which is just so dirty and disgusting, i have to go in for a meeting at 8 in the morning tomorrow, its going to suck because i’m going to have to face the human rush, i just want to spend some time with my boyfriend and have a happy time so i can embark on the tumultuous task of preparing for work and shit, i don’t even remember why john wants me to go in tomorrow, and i am supposed to have fucking brekkie with him, i don’t know what is with his obsession with trying to feed me, every time we talk we are always talking about either lunch or dinner, i am hungry now, i just had a hotdog and it was all i could do to not think about the intestines and guts and whatever they probably had thrown into the sausage filling, uggghhh, and i farted like 40 times today, LOUDLY, with no apologies

and im fucking whiny as shit, i just want to relax. and laugh. and forget what is plaguing me. because i shouldn’t be plagued. i am lucky in every sense and i need to stop thinking so NEGATIVELY FOR FUCK’S SAKE

but i swear, i was so mad earlier, i slammed my fists on my table over nothing.

-edit-
after reading all that shit i realized how ungrateful i am so i am going to write about stuff that made me happy; coraline and fanboys dvdrips have been released yippitydoodly, my blog is super awesome looking, i fixed my blog problem and now it is better than it ever was and i got twitter to work on it too!!!!, my hotdog was quite delicious, my boyfriend is extremely nice to me lately and has been very understanding and encouraging and more sensitive than he has been in the past and that makes me super duper happy too, my hair looks fucking amazing (forget the bad pix i swear the color is sooooooooooo pretty), i have a hot closet and tons of accessories to go with it (i opened my box of jewelry and i saw all this stuff other people had given me over the years and i was like, wow, i’m glad i bothered to box up this stuff, they give me such great memories), i made a new cellphone charm for my incredislow sony ericcsson w910i so i might actually feel attracted enough to use it some day, my glass for drinking now matches my placemat +10000 after 10 years (literally!!!!!), wonder baby was super cool, i fixed my ikea mirror from my friends YAY!!!!!!! now it stands up without falling over wOOO, my speakers that i mounted to the wall with BLUE TAC hahahaha have stayed up for like a month now (lolLLLL), i have this month’s Mina on my bed (:D) and the stuff in there still looks amazing, my illustrator skills are so up2par now, i have BATTLE FORGE!!!! although it sucks, i got my dad the PERFECT father’s day gift ($210 book called ‘condensed chemist’s dictionary’, he’s been wanting it forever), my computer looks magnificient (i am the best themer in the world), and my room is a swanky 24degrees celcius while outside it is 32 degrees celcius (“feels like 40″), when i went out for my job interview on tuesday there were tons of butterflies around and i felt like i was in fairy tale land, my SHOES don’t kill any more, I GOT THE BEST BANGING JOB INTERVIEW OUTFIT EVERRRRRRR for a hundred bucks (do not tell anyone), my 30mm f1.4 is still the best lens to ever exist, my MOTHER IS THE BEST MOTHER EVER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, i solved my sister’s multiple computer problems (SUCK THAT ADOBE DIRECTOR), i finished boys before flowers, i am getting better at this hangul thing…. and yeah my life is pretty GREAT. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

30
May
[2009]


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one of them…soon.

from becoming one of them
must… blog… before… its… too… late
yeaaaaaaaaaaaah.

1. big bang feat. 21 – lollipop: you need to tell me why i haven’t gotten sick of this song after literally 100 repeats. i still sing along when that dude goes “nae sarang bling bling like LED”. something is wrrrrrong with me.

2. hot hot hot and humid humid humid: long hot summer is becoming too big of a cliche here. i need this worthless weather to cool itself off so i will stop contributing to global warming via the excessive use of the air conditioner.

3. i am watching myself dance to lollipop on webcam…idk.

4. job… got a job… dunno, i don’t think i want to talk much about it yet. i’m not excited… i’m not happy… i’m not grateful… i am just wishing this weekend lasts forever :( because come monday, i will never have more than 5 hours to myself before falling dead asleep. 9.5 hour work day? which worthless fool devised this period? that is so FUCKING ridiculous.

5. maybe i have the swine flu. i am not even shitting you. went to raffles hospital for a pre-employment medical check-up and there were so many sick people around… i am so stupid, i shouldn’t have gone to a hospital; i thought that a hospital would have more resources and hence be able to complete the medical faster…WRONG. fucking hospital took FOREVER to do anything. i said ‘fuck’ like 20 times in 5 minutes because of how BORED and COLD i was waiting for the GOD DAMN WORTHLESS SHIT OF A CHECK UP TO COMPLETE. and when i was COMPLETELY DONE, i had to queue up at the WORTHLESS COUNTER to PASS MY FUCKING FORM to a NURSE. there must’ve been like 5 of them who went and came repeatedly, totally ignoring those of us who were just waiting for them to just TAKE A PIECE OF PAPER FROM US. NOT THAT HARD. YOU COULD HIRE A MONKEY FOR A JOB LIKE THAT. BUT NOOO. WE HAD TO STAND AND WAIT AROUND LIKE IDIOTS.

6. you have no idea how mad raffles hospital made me. singapore is a horrible place with people who have no manners and terrible service, no matter what industry you are in. the moment they are not serving a person who is white, they show their true colors. the only way you get some attention around service is to put on a fake western accent and fool them into thinking you are not a heartlander. cos the moment you reveal your heartlander status, they just tell you to shove off and wait while they, i dunno, scurry worthlessly and gossip amongst themselves while the phone rings off the hook the whole time. to be fair, they weren’t REALLY gossiping, but STILL………… they made a lot of worthless idle talk which THEY SHOULD HAVE SPENT JUST TAKING A PIECE OF PAPER. FROM ME AND THE 4 OTHER PPL WHO WERE WAITING.

7. calm..the..fuck..down..weiss.

8. big bang is so cool

9. my $210 book shipped, cool

10. i dont want to fucking go to work for fuck’s sake seriously this is pissing me off so much lololol.

11. i put on too much weight during my holiday but i am fairly confident that working will make it go away

12. i bought my brother and sister left 4 dead, i tried playing it, it only made me sick

13. my mom is pissing me off, she keeps saying shit like, “don’t be short-tempered at work”, “you have to be responsible for yourself and wake up on time”, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULL SHIT. I AM THE ONE WHO GOES TO SCHOOL ON HER OWN ACCORD. I HAVE BEEN WORKING 4 WHOLE FUCKING YEARS WHILE AT UNI. I MADE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY OFF MY UNI LOAN BY THE TIME I GRADUATED. IF IT WASN’T FOR MY DAD IT WOULD HAVE ALL BEEN PAID FOR NOW INSTEAD OF ME HAVING TO PAY IT OVER AGAIN. i am well-respected by my co-workers, well thought of by my peers and very sought after by my clients. AND FOR SOME FUCKING REASON SHE THINKS I AM SOME GIANT BABY WHO IS INCAPABLE OF BEING IN A WORKING ENVIRONMENT. i am SO FUCKING MAD SO MAD SO MAD SO MAD

14. SEE THIS WORK SHIT IS NO GOOD FOR ME.

15. make time stop so i don’t have to think about this again.

06
June
[2009]


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weekend… halleluuuujah


was late to work on friday (by 10 minutes…) but got lucky enough to see a rainbow as a result!!! that made me smile! who gives a fuck that i almost fell off the bus afterwards? :P

there goes my first week at work, during which i have done nothing but whine every single night to him and he has done nothing but listen and be encouraging. i can’t ask for anything more. =)

still not so used to the rhythm of working life; in some ways i feel a bit liberated from the mundane humdrum of not having no real responsibility or purpose in life, but the exchange of that for a cycle beyond my control can be too much for me. i hate that i have to answer to someone else, some other people, whom i truly don’t care about…

guess i am learning some stuff though. i don’t want to write about work, even though it took up 50 hours of my life this week. that’s how much i don’t care. and i hate that i don’t.

but friday made up for everything: went to watch night at the museum 2 with my cousin elvina (the darling of my life!), my aunt and my family (-dad…). it was so fucking hilarious and thoroughly enjoyable, and i felt all the stress and dissatisfaction and unhappiness from the week of being part of the Working Society dissipate.

elvina is so much older now; i still have fond memories of the times she tortured me with her tactical attention-getting antics – like when we had to baby sit her during the holidays and she would wake me up at 8AM and i would have to put on the telly and throw on George of the Jungle just so she would sit still… or her wonderous expression when she first tasted campbell soup, how magical it was to her that the gloopy can of stuff could become a delicious soup; or the times when we ate jumbo hot dogs with cheese in the middle and the squirts that she made when she bit on the ends too hard; now she is going on 12. time flies too fast.

family sat down and we talked until 3 am. it was weird to see how we could all relate to each other despite not having spoken for months. all the youngsters are joining the workforce now i guess and our grievances are common; i called our plights and refusal to comply to stupidity a genetic fault, and everyone laughingly agreed. whatever reasons we might have personally, our judgments of others beside us stick out like a sore thumb – we can’t deal with stupidity. not when we were 16, not now when we are 20, not ever even when we are 30 or 40 – as evidenced by my very angry working aunts. i love this family. i love how we swear in front of each other, how we are suddenly enamoured by the korean culture; i love how strangers are roped in, never leaving anyone out; i love the delicious bbq we always have, the endless rowdiness that just spontaneously happens whenever we are together; this energy i can never explain. this energy i am blessed to have even ever experienced once in my life =)

11
June
[2009]


More whining

This post is likely to be full of typos considering that I am writting this from my ipod. I wanted tfo blog but I wanted to lay down since it’s already pretty late here but whatever.

So it’s been about 10 days since I started work and I estimate I’ve spent about 60 hours a week at work. I get no OT, I’m still on probation, I’m working on other people’s portfolios and yeah I pretty much hate my job.

Now I have to work on Sundays too.

Basically i hate my life.I think the reason why I resent all these tradeoffs so much is because I did not want the job in the first place; the sincere truth about working there is, I fantasizes a good time to escape the question of “what do you want to when you graduate?” and seeing as I had no wellrespected ideas on that, I went with a fantasy scenario that I somehow haphazzardly (is that a real word?) fell into. This is typically described as a dream come true, no?

But for me it’s been nothing but uneasiness, disgruntleness and grumbling. Yesterday I was designing something from home and I got so hooked that I kept on going way past my bedtime. I knew I was going to be groggy and tired but I didn’t mind or care. I was just so damn happy to be dong what I love

I tried to take the advice of the wise and of those before me. But this is just one of those situations where I am so thoroughly unhappy at the core of me that I blame myself for not heeding my heart’s calling and just worked in a media agency. I keep taking my love for design for granted, secondguessing it’s value at every turn. But design is a life skill. It’s analytical and demanding as it is constantly evolving; it requires commitment and it’s a discipline that is so fundamentally instinctive that it’s definition can never be compartmentalized enough to present in general terms. It’s subtle it’s specifc and it’s so deliberate. But it’s emotional and wellprincipled, classic and modern, all this control that’s toted by the threads of creativity you must have to survive in this industry

And when I think design I FEEL passion, like I haven’t felt for anything else. Marketting seems so one-dimensional in comparison. Like the end goal is s fundamentaly tied to sales that there is little integrity or sincerity underlying the process. It’s almost like an empty shell that is entirely self serving by nature. I really hate it.

What’s worst is I ark with people who act like designers but have no skills to create and so they delegate the work to angency or someone who will just do as they say. They want their creatives done the way they want it, fuck whatever design rationale that may lie behind it. If it’s not done their way, it’s not done right. So why hire designers if they like to play designer so much? Oh wait…cos they are too stupid to learn the know-how to do the work. And even if they did try, their sense of asthetics will just result in generic work that has no value.

They wouldn’t k ow what to do Unless it was written all in black and white for them.

I hate this job……….

19
June
[2009]


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i do it for love love love


man i read my last post and lol’ed so hard. the typos made me sound like a complete imbecile. it was great comic relief.

i got to work this weekend again (figures)…everyone picks on the rookie, give me the shit bits of the job that doesn’t count for much but is hella annoying to do, make me come back during weekends knowing i can’t say no since i am under probation, blahdittyblah

how much can a person fucking complain?!? honest to fuck! i am so sick of hearing myself whine!!!

actually its odd that i am all super negative here because i have been more proactive and less complaining in view of what i’ve been shoved with this week; i am getting busy… which is sort of a plus and minus thing. i definitely need to work from home, in fact every night this week i have just been working after i come home… but i think its not so much “oh my fucking god i have to do this again” but more “lets make this greater than great”. that’s alright by me.

i got assigned my first ‘big’ project… my supervisor is walking me through it since i have no marketing experience but i am pretty excited! i delivered 2 electronic direct mailers and produced one of them myself (teehee), made a logo, set people straight on the holy path of technology, stole local admin rights on my computer (shh!!!!), made new friends at the office, finished workshop and left a great impression on at least 3 people, learnt to make 2 types of balloon animals , battled giddiness and migraines, slept soooo very little, endured a computer with 512mb of ram (srsly wtf it ran out of memory trying to open a 12mb jpeg in photoshop W T F), resisted the temptation to just take $1k and get a decent lappy to do shit on (i am not spending money on work they pay me too little as it is) and had an incredible week with the bf. good fucking shit. :)

tmr the nightmare starts, i am so sure. everytime i am thankful and stuff, shit just conveniently hits the ceiling fan

19
June
[2009]


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no parking? lol, park you

123456

freaking peacocks they are everywhere

21
June
[2009]


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sandy good times woo

soooo hotttttt

didn’t bring the big gun out today so i have crappy photos again,… i was scared it was going to get stolen

i’m abit stuck between writing about what happened and just being philosophical in general; i wrote like 5 paragraphs about the beach party then i realized it was not even remotely interesting for anyone other than me to read so i deleted it all

so, life lessons:

1. i suck at doing simple things, i get nervous and scared and freak out even when i am a perfectly intelligent girl

2. how often have you looked at someone who is fucking up and wondered how it was possible to screw up something as mind-numbingly simple as “THAT”? yeah. i was that dude who was always wondering how people fuck up simple shit like making links on a webpage, and today i had to be in the shoes of people who i always criticize and i found myself failing, as they had. interesting, no?

3. i used to think that singapore is a city full of colorless personalities. people who are such shells that you just can’t see any depth in their person. but today i met alot of people who were very different. there was this paranoid dude who was skulking around for freebies, some androgynous girls/boys who were being absolutely cool with their behavior, people sitting around and just having a ball doing nothing but laugh and play with a beach ball, drag queens who have no shame in their flamboyance and were just so totally chill that i wanted to facebook them on the spot (but of course i didn’t…)… and then there were the surprising people who seemed so cool on the outset but are such turnoffs in our 1-to-1s. goes to show you can never assume too much about life ANYWHERE, even in metropolitan cyclic life singapore

4. on my way home there were some malay people hanging around my seats, some chinese national girls sitting in front of me, a rowdy bunch of german expats being completely obnoxious in german (they were going, “anyone understand german here?” and i didn’t respond, so they went on yakking off some really annoying shit in german. suck it i understand you, i just cant be arsed to reply) and some chinese singaporeans walking and standing near me… and that’s kinda like how singapore has always been. i could hear like 4 different languages and speaking styles all at once and completely understood what was going on. you know how some people say that the normality of a child is the perception he is acquainted with in his growth; that his surroundings allow him to create an identity that he can relate to in order to “become” his own person? well, i just realized today that i am really blessed to live in a world where the race of an individual matters SO LITTLE in the merit of him or her, that i can walk into any area and never have to deal with the issue of segregation, that the “majority” is of so little value when you look at things in a micro-perspective… am i being overly idealistic? sure! but do i give a fuck? no! i’m just happy that i am not tainted with racism, that even though my parents and family are racist i just AM NOT

5. natasha bedingfield is cool

28
June
[2009]


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do we have a problem here? you tell me

total expenditure on saturday was around 650!

12
July
[2009]


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things i love

1. green grass that never stops being so curiously pretty regardless of its supposed insignificance in today’s world
2. paul frank (shut up)
3. k bones
4. my iphone (if it is not out of the question i would like to have its children)
5. eureka (!!!!!! sheriff carter ;_;)
6. the sweet smell of success
7. my dad
8. my mom
9. my mom on an ipod playing solitaire and bejeweled for 12 hours
10. my new bedspread (i never want to get out of bed)
11. my new attitude towards work (if it ain’t done it ain’t done, don’t fret)
12. my new attitude towards the brokeass work computer (everytime it struggles to process my requests, i just take out my iphone and play tetris till level 15 — usually it’s done by then)
13. clouds
14. soaking my feet in water while eating lunch
15. my computer (huggies super speedy child of mine, i hereby name thee wonder baby)
16. smelling like yu yee oil
17. dotchi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
18. my camera (till death do us part…k)
19. kbones (again!)
20. korean music (you are my booooooooo ^_^)
21. roniel romero (my brother from another motherrr)
22. durian (:X)
23. birdies!
24. swine flu!!!!
25. being able to stay awake at 3:27am at night without feeling like shit!
26. firefox 3.5 ^______^ i ditched chrome.

15
July
[2009]


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mother nature

…went to the butterfly park thing on tuesday, had some weird meeting in the morning… what a fucking bad day, and when i went home all i did was mop around and be unsavoury. i really hate myself sometimes

mother nature is truly glorious, no? even in captivity. i stood around and had butterflies land on my back, hair, arm, etc. i really wonder what they do to these butterflies to make them so docile. i have a theory that they drug them in the feed. the place looks really cool now – small, but cool enough still – it has some species of turtles in square boxes of water… giant cockroaches… beetles… maccaws… toccans… (sounds nice enough on paper, no?) – but if only it was bigger.  the capacity is the only thing that makes the experience weak.

sometimes i wonder if i am even suppose to be sure of what i am doing. am i meant to be so stubborn and unaccepting of things, should i be constantly criticizing our relationship, should love be simpler, easier,.. should i be in this job, doing this day after day, should life be this effably inconsequential? i was so sure that my life would have been different – exciting, terribly intense and exhausting, but entirely rewarding… now i am just some code monkey, really. maybe an email monkey. i don’t know.

boss said we need to be “results oriented”…  not an unfamiliar concept to me… but the truth is, how do you EXPECT me to be passionate about what i do when im told to do this many things in this many hours, “if not”..? its a joke.

thats how i feel about my life now. what a complete joke. i miss being a bum. not because i had no responsibilities, but more than i had no obligations to entertain situations that i havent the least bit of interest in.

so i took mc. today. i have mc, tomorrow too. the boyfriend says i should go to work. pretty sure he just wants to get rid of me so he doesnt have to bother with me at all.

yeah. our relationship is hella stable.

not at all. i keep trying and trying to move on in my head but being the obstinate person that i am, i just like to rub salt on my wounds and talk about the same bullshit over and over again. i feel like a mad scientist who was asked to predict the number of years we have left to live on earth, and realizing we have only a day – i do the math over and over again, even though i yield the same answer: 1. i keep doing it because i don’t want to believe it

but i know i am right. i hope i am wrong, but i know… i am right.

18
July
[2009]


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27
July
[2009]


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i just want to know.. chebal murahgo

i have been sitting here just feeling majorly upset about the world and everything in general for the past 12 hours. which is just disgraceful considering that the time that i have to myself is so immensely precariously little. why do i spend all this time being upset when i should be having fun, being relaxed? when this is the only time in which i have no obligation to answer to any of my work duties? why is it that in the moments approaching the finality of this weekend all i think about is what i need to finish or what i haven’t done this week?

i wish i could find the answers as to why i am so stressed about just about anything. even now my eloquence fails me. the clumsiness of every thought i have. that friction between what i wish my life was and the reality of what it is. as if i just lost control of everything that i felt life owed me to be master of. my every free minute in essence a privilege and not a right.

you could not feel any more tied down than me, i think. or maybe you could. after all i don’t have to be responsible for any one else’s life. i just need to live each day by itself. just keep on moving on until.. i can’t any more.

there’s this song in moulin rogue. it speaks to me. why live life from dream to dream, and dread the day, that dreaming ends?

19
August
[2009]


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what i’ve been up to

doing too many damn things for free, that’s what

usually i don’t mind doing shit like this, and actually this particular one isn’t that bad, but man i am so tired and unhappy that i just… i just. i don’t know what else to say or do. i just know, i either quit, or i  continue being taken advantage of.

and if there’s anything i’ve learnt from my life, its.. to always stand up for yourself. no one else will.

10
September
[2009]


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happiness


must write to commemorate this festive moment which has brought upon me the greatest joy of a lifetime: FUCKING FREEDOM!

part of me is like, fuck this shit i never want to think nor write about it, but i realized that this is a hallmark of my adult life and it would be a pity to not write it down so i can reflect on it in the future.

but you know i really dont have much to say about it!!! it’s gotten to the point where any analytical thought is superfluous and the facts stand for themselves and vindictively justify my instincts as a girl and a lover so i am just REALLY satisfied right now. no remorse no pain no suffering and just this relief that brings about the greatest pleasure of all — FREEDOM

and if anything else, i think that the support i’ve gotten from these people i play games with has been quite incredible regardless of how harsh they were or how they handled the situation with me. i mean i understand the complications and i have no blames or resentment because that’s just life. what else do you want. but if it were not for the GREAT BUDDIES i have just made in the past week i would not be alive. i would be uh that worthless desperado whose only intent was to destroy herself and the one who betrayed her

when all is said and done, and i do like quoting myself since the truthisms have just been rolling in, all that’s left is a tragic meme! and moving forward, nothing but happiness.

15
September
[2009]


let go

being stubborn has always been somewhat of a good/bad for me. sometimes my tenacity gets me to places where i soar high and do great, then at other times i end up sticking around when i really shouldn’t be

he told me a week ago that he was starting to see things differently. as if i am suppose to understand how my heart still beats passionately while his love for me fades to grey. like our words, as we exchange them these days, his attention gripped by something asinine and unimportant, when what ‘we’ wanted became what ‘i’ want now

everyone tells me to just let go. it’s better. so i turn to him and he too, says, move on. feels like i am the one left behind now

so i should let go. heaven knows i am smart enough to know that. still its so hard to think, that i can’t change anything, i can’t love him more, give him what he needs, let him be, let his life be empty of me, just.. let go

sometimes it feels like i’m holding on to the latch of my sanity. when i let go, i’m gonna fall. hard. i don’t know if i will die from the impact, so i hold on.

sometimes it feels like i’m just a coward, too comfortable from where i sit, afraid to move to greener pastures, even while everything decays around me and turns uglier and uglier by the moment.

sometimes it feels like i have no choice, that if i don’t walk away i already am being pushed away, and whilst i stick around i am nothing more than a nuisance.

sometimes it feels like i don’t know who i am. or what i’ve been doing for the last year. like all the little things i’ve worked for have turned into dust, mocking me as evidence of its existence turn invisible to everyone but me.

i think about him every day. i think about him when my eyes close, when my heart beats, when i am happy, when i am sad, when i need somebody, when i want somebody else, when i want to share something, when i need to work, when i eat, and nowadays it feels like i even think about him when i sleep

and it hurts like fuck to know that he doesn’t. he doesn’t ever think about me, nor well of me. i’m irrelevant. my words have no value, he has already heard enough. my love has no meaning, he has already had too much. my thoughts are commonplace and no longer interest him. my voice stirs no emotion other than irritation, no matter the state of emotion it is in. my face does nothing to him, crying or not, smiling or not, dark or light. my body seems to be the only persuasive element left in me for him.

i tell everyone i love him. his friends, his enemies, his acquaintances, strangers. i tell everyone how much i love him. a life i’d give up, a day i would be happy to spend in seclusion, almost anything i could give to make him happy. and now it seems like the only thing i could is to give him back his freedom.

i want out of work right now. i want a day, two days, many days, infinite days where i can slowly decompose all this thought and dissolve all my feelings. i want a cold sterility; and now all i wait, is for someone to step on my fingers, so i involuntarily fall.

i want to let you go. but my heart doesn’t. i want nobody but you and you want anybody but me. i hate you so much, i don’t even know where to begin…

25
September
[2009]


and that’s why i’m gonna be okay

“i dont believe you can love someone right away. love is after time, only after time. you can be infatuated with someone, have chemical feelings, be happier around someone, like being with someone – but love is living with someone and knowing them for who they are. the darkest moments, the ugliest habits and after all that at the end of the day if you still can’t see yourself without them…”

30
September
[2009]


3rd person perspective

[somebody]: fuck
[somebody]: weiss
[somebody]: you are like
[somebody]: a carp
jermine @ wwwwork: im seriously
jermine @ wwwwork: well
jermine @ wwwwork: im serious
[somebody] :i know
[somebody]: let me explain
[somebody]: you are like a carp b/c
[somebody]: they are like
[somebody]: the type of fish
[somebody]: that feast of bottom dwellers
[somebody]: and things that only the top fish dont eat
[somebody]: which allows it to sink down the the sea floor
[somebody]: ok i am like on some drugs today
[somebody]: you are a worm and a fish
[somebody]: lets keep count

01
October
[2009]


an open letter

this will be the last time i ever write anything about you to you. doesn’t really matter since you never bothered reading my blog much anyway, so you probably won’t see this, but regardless, i can say everything out loud in public – that’s the difference between me and you. i always could speak what’s on my mind, never let fear stop me from being honest about what’s inside my head, deal with it when it comes instead of keeping silent

i have known you for close to a year now, i know all the silly shit about you, and i fell in love with you back then because i got so enamoured with the story of your life. i felt like there was a depth in you, a passion within for the things you chose to do, the quietness when you were done chasing the noise and commotion, those little moments we had which made me feel like we could belong. despite the contradictions and paradoxes, those promises you made me but never kept, that boy who thought he could actually love me but found out i was this hard, too hard to love – i loved you still. but you know, every story has a beginning, a climax, and an end, and the end dragged on so long for us because i was unable to let go our of beginning. i feel silly now. but its most likely a good thing, since now we have parted and nothing lingers

i don’t miss you any more. for a long while, months and months, i was convinced that i couldn’t live without you. i let every bit of my emotion and person be inundated with what you were doing, who you were talking to, what you wanted to be, and slowly you closed off more and more of yourself, to the point where you became a complete stranger. i copy pasted conversations between us in the beginning to you, i drove you to exasperation by not letting you run away from that image of who you were, and both you and i sat there digesting the weight of those words, knowing that person was gone.

i think about it in terms of what went wrong, and i realize that nothing really did. we were just two people of different mindsets, outlooks and priorities. i am demanding, you are laidback, i am philosophical, you are escapist, i am emotional, you are strangely apathetic to anything that doesn’t concern yourself – yes, i’m labelling you with all the negative things that you truly are, but those things i say about me are negative too. you can dump a million of me, it doesn’t change the fact that who you are today is so far from who i fell in love with. and yes, i may have become overwrought and emotional but you had a hand in orchestrating such a thing in me too. you don’t CARE about anything but YOURSELF, every impulse you have is evolved around self-gratification, all the bad things you say about people around has got no meaning whatsoever because you’re incapable of even doing the most regular things in life. what right did you have to look down upon others for their vices and sins? what right did you have to mock those who provide for you? what right?

none.

and every time i tried to tell you this, you just.. pushed me back more, and thought i was ganging up with strangers in your household, like a person who doesn’t know enough but has already chosen a side to be on – maybe you felt like i couldn’t possibly love you if i could criticize you, but …

i did, that’s why i tried. i wanted to help you become a BETTER PERSON. a person YOU yourself would be HAPPY to be. i tried to believe the best of you, think of you in the best ways i could, that i fought so hard to get back with you the first time around was just because i couldn’t let myself destroy my faith in you through hearsay. but you went about and proved to me, thoroughly, that you were capable of being a bad person, that you may even enjoy being a bad person

being with these people online really does influence you in ways you can hardly begin to understand. someone said you were just trying to fit in, thats why you turned out this way. the months i was away, you morphed into this disconcertingly self absorbed boy who i think, if i had met now, i wouldn’t have even fancied a bit. leaving me crying because you couldn’t disappoint 3 other people on a game you have played enough of to recreate in your head in an infallibly detailed fashion? walking a dog and being on a walk even when i’m heart broken to not get a single moment of believable reassurance from you? i am trying, i test patience and faith, but you, you are callous beyond belief when you can set aside some time for not one, but two girls who are known to manipulate anything in sight, when they are crying, to tease and cheer up, but you had none left for me. me who was trying so hard to get to where you are, who sat in the dark listening to your sad life stories, wanting to assuage you, wanting to make your life better, wanting to know you better – me you couldn’t do anything for any more unless it didn’t inconvinieced you. you even liked one of them. who are you? who did you become?

you can call me arrogant, but i know i am better than all of them, and yet those are the kind of people you want now. i know i am better because i made something out of my life, i take my challenges and i overcome them. i have something to show for every year i’ve lived. i haven’t spent the last 6 years of my life losing myself in the social fabric of online gaming, and i have no intention of doing so more than i did for you in the last year or so.

so yes, i know now. after the heartache, crying, begging, fighting, angriness and disheartening days, i know now, that we couldn’t have belonged. no matter how much i wanted to. we couldn’t, unless you wanted to, and you haven’t wanted to for many months now.

=)

thank you you know? after all this time, i realize too, that you did everything you could for me. especially the last 3 months, you didn’t stick around because you loved me, you were just being responsible. while i wished you didn’t lie to me, i also know that because you did, i can move on. and i will.

01
October
[2009]


listen

everything is alright…

04
October
[2009]


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07
October
[2009]


12
October
[2009]


16
October
[2009]


you said

that i should write even if my thoughts are tainted. you said you wouldn’t mind. i think about you, of that, and helplessly i smile. in my memories, that is how i’m always going to remember you. i hope i never deviate. i hope i never forget. i hope you know.

yyx, there are many things in life that never manage to emerge from the tunnel of shit which is every day. there were many times in my past life with so many somebody elses that made it seem like its impossible to cherish me, the way i always wished i could be – for longer than just a few months. i always think, there must be something wrong with me. so i police myself – every time i go slightly insane, my feelings explode, i implode, and then shit hits the ceiling fan and i stress whoever i am with so much that they grow distant. then i begin a remorseful period of cleaning up. i let the sweet side of myself take over and make everything ok. then i start again.

it becomes a punishing cycle, and for some time i thought that i am the reason why the cycle ever remains.

but yyx, you know, since i’ve known you, life has become drastically more enjoyable. the courage to face every day has somehow come back to my life. i feel so much freer and more confident. things which challenge me no longer daunt me so much so that i do not even attempt to start doing them. you tell me that, the frivolous wish of mine, to be cherished, is not just a fantasy. its the right way for a man to treat his woman. you listen. you listen and tell me things that i should know, but am incapable of respecting as reality. like the lies, the truth, the things that matter in life and the sad reality of every day. i think now, that i have always looked for something like that, like you, that every day could be made better simply because of that comfort. our light at the end of the tunnel, no?

i told you i was an idealistic pragmatist and you mocked me as the most impractical thing i had done in my life is the whole reason why we met. i warn myself that the idealism has to stop, that those foolish romantic reasons shouldn’t lead my life any further. yyx you know i’m not getting any younger and life has had more repetitions than surprises for me, but even as i grow only wearier, every day .. i don’t deny myself my idealism. its the drug that keeps me *alive*…

some how, you have become the light at the end of the tunnel, that light that i am surprised to find actually exists, because i have dreamt of it for a long time now and had almost given up hope for it altogether. that with those hims, not just him, but those hims, who i take the tingle in my nose and toes for as love, they grew weary of being my light. now every day i wait, i grow slightly afraid, that as i become more attached to you, you too will grow weary of giving and being it

yyx, i’m a stupid coward. im the kind of coward who knows she is afraid of something – for perfectly good reasons – but still ends up doing it, wanting it at the end of the day. so when i see something i am scared of, i will scream and kick…while slowly moving towards the source of fear. i’m a stupid coward, i don’t know how to run, i only know how to slowly and futilely inundate myself in what i fear

so even as i grow more and more scared every day, that you will hurt me, i think, i can accept, i can try, maybe just this one last time, to gamble the risk of being hurt. i think i have left in me, just this one last time, to gamble everything

for you

you’re my clean slate. you’re the reason why i’m okay. and i promise i will make you happy, for as long as you will have me try. and i hope that this doesn’t scare you away.

p.s. i believe that our score for the sushi survey is definitive evidence that we are highly compatible :p

22
October
[2009]


this time is different, i dont even feel the distance, im not missing IM NOT FUCKING MISSING YOU

jesus.

today was a day of great success and failure. success because i managed to leave the conundrum of mundane work life for just 1 day. failure because tomorrow it comes back to haunt me!

extrication is an interesting concept that has been brought to me very often lately. past one month it has almost been a discipline in itself when i think about how i have behaved in terms of my emotional stability. i was actually really enjoying not feeling like a piece of shit psycho every 2 seconds. but obviously all good things come to an end.

what i dont understand is how you can claim to want to have absolutely nothing to do with somebody and yet find yourself stupid enough to involve yourself in their personal space. soooo i was hoping for some complete detachment but of course, pyth kuratchi being the dick that he is can barely think about anything else but himself and ruin my online pleasure and space

what a fucking douche seriously

people keep saying that i talk about this so much and this indicates that i care about him still but it has nothing to do with that. its more like, “what the fuck get out of my peripheral vision son of a bitch”. i dont like him any more – any more than i liked myself back then, and all i wanna do now is jump forward into the infinite future of good fortune and blessings without the complications of remembering the idaho and utah past

I DETEST THIS SCENARIO, so i made a definitive decision to erase things in the way that i can best handle without any extremity

lets hope this lasts more than a week.

anyway. work starts in approximately 5 hours and i just cant waiiiiiiiiiit for my genius bosses to tell me all the things i have done wrong. you knoe in retrospect i’ve always thought that work cant be so hard as to screw up in every step of the way but i have come to the sad realization that i have become progressively, exponentially worse at my job. and i cant actually fix anything without trying. so in my current state of heck-careness, this is pretty much the end of the road for me

i even contemplated not working so as to escape the complications of being a failbot in s******.

what a ‘life’…

halloween’s upcoming and as always im expected to work. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with these people. its as if they think that the paltry $1,695 bucks they give me a month is enough to compensate for all the opportunity costs i have lost when i do not have my weekends to myself. SERIOUSLY!!!!! EVERY DAY!!!!!!! I GET HOME AT LIKE 10!!!!!! AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY!!!!!!! BECAUSE IT NEVER SEEMS LIKE I FINISH MY WORK EVER!!!!!!!!!

exclamation points for extra drama and sadness. \

raq’s birthday is upcoming and we’re supposed to get shitfaced together. idk if i can handle a drinking session, might be a breaking point of QQ and emo that will continue for another year or some shart. this life sometimes is truly exasperating

somehow, no matter how advance i level in my logic, i still come back to the conclusion that disappearing is the best way to deal with everything

but for now, i am just hoping that khalil boulos disappears forever.

o and i reformatted my computer, win 7 and media center is pretty beast man

addenum: and i just got my period YAYYYY FUCK

02
November
[2009]


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just the best or what

his royal highness grumpy old man silk farmer dude commanded me to write a post of the blog which has led to the creation of this lump of text henceforth known as WEISS SHUT THE FUCK UP

emotive is a nice word to use on insensible, emotionally overwrought whinefests who can’t look beyond their own problems – not a strange coincidence that people often use such a word on me…

hosted BSO 2009 on sat. and was absolutely amazed at the crowd response; apparently this is the ~year~ for our booth, ~unprecedented~ reception from all the interesting people, met a few irish men who were REALLY CUTE! BUT WHY SO SHORT?, alot of weirdass japanese people hanging around (you really can’t tell they are japanese until they open their mouths, and the women are like all bambi-eyed and fairskinned) and of cos the awesome brits who make me swoon with that cuteass accent

loadsssss of different people, good experience. i lost my voice for abt an hr afterwards cos its epic fail to say HI! GOOD MORNING! WOULD U LIEK 2 BLABLABLA? at a frequency of 200times per sec

but then bcos of the overwhelming response i got off WAYYYYYYYY earlier. which led to the fatal mistake of answering ang’s phone call……lol. then again, this allowed me to enjoy SUSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111. the MANGO ROLL @ sushiteh is jesus christ reincarnated and deserves salutations from all corners of earth due to the amazement which is its taste of a crunchy lobster fried in between and rolled in seaweed and sticky rice with mango slice on top and the best crab roe ever. evar. evaaAAR.

afterwards went to dxo for a couple of drinks.. k i actually just had 1… as always the boys are mad rowdy and the girls just sit and roll their eyes… oooo… but before i went to ~socialize~ i bought a dress at topshop with a superduper discount (work benefits rock sometimes) and managed to avoid appearing like a roadsign (bso uniform was neon orange) at a club…haha. 1-0 me v.s real life

made some shitty excuse about having to finish wip and managed to escape home for a certain somebody~~` i really don’t mind, i kinda enjoy it actually… had a fantastic time following that morning though i felt like i was papa bear and i ate 12 goldilocks that nite…fucking period needs to end, its like an infinite bloatfest, fuck my life……. i think if i jumped my fats would oscillate for at least an hour

lol

that would be funny.

(notice the degree of appearance as an imbecile i have managed to incorporate into this blog post. yyx you better appreciate it. its all 4 u.
dats all)

brb putting on my serious face

—–

it was an interesting weekend to say the least; catching up with old friends and bonding with yyx, thinking about what i want in life and wondering how close or far i am actually to it. a lot of times i seem to imagine life in a glamorous fashion, but in all earnestness, if nothing else, this job i have has taught me that life is anything but. day in day out we takeover every aspect of production – a one-woman show to market an event that runs about 5,000 large in attendees, $30,000 budget to project a media plan that measures more like half a million – everywhere there is a showcase of people who go way beyond their limit and break boundaries, make new ones… even a cynic like me has to blink and rethink the meaning of it all

today in the shower i had some thoughts, i thought about shithead9000 (woooow) and drew some parallels between him and yyx, yyx is a cutie with sincerity and depth that i truly admire, there is a quiet about him which makes for the most pleasant companionship. i really like that. i thought about shithead9000 mostly because i wondered how much i knew about yyx. what’s his fav food? what’s his fav pizza? what’s his fav drink? what’s his fav band? what’s his fav colour? who’s his dream girl? what’s his dream life? some things i have answers to, others i can somewhat guess….. but don’t know…

hmm… but in retrospect.. i know shithead9000′s favs purely based on time spent wif him, which i too wanna accomplish with yyx. i’m abit.. skeptical… once bitten twice shy… ye know ye know.

but i like the way things are going; yesterday was a bit awkward for me because i felt uber vulnerable. its not as if i have shut myself off to people per se, and even as it is i am still a large book that is wide opened, but some places i’ve cornered off, mainly separating pleasurable sensations from emotions, and yesterday was really hard to keep it separate still, and i cried a little bit ‘cos i felt infinitely, insurmountably scared of being thrown into a ring of fire for not heeding my past experiences…life as i know it is like the unstable charges of an atom, it could you know, neutralize, or implode for big badaboom

-shrug-

damien rice rootless tree, good song.

02
November
[2009]


sorcerererer

wish it had different hair

05
November
[2009]


PANIC

i’ve got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
than any girl you’ll ever meet, sweetie you had me
boy i was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
no, no, no, you know it will
ALWAYS
just be me. =)

06
December
[2009]


close your eyes and i

there’s some uber creepy asian magician on tv with his arms wrapped around some chick’s neck and super sleazy euro porno music in the background playing… disorienting.

sunday. 7:50pm. sometimes i think the problem really is me. working at shitosa has only made me more aware of how flawed of a human i am. there’s so many things i don’t know how to do, that even if i learn i still need time to adjust and do well in; in the reality and aftermath of being an adult, it almost seems folly to assume that one should only do things that one is good at. there are several things i am good at, but for each there are a dozen more that i can’t do

there’s a deep sigh caught in between; the constriction of my throat grappling at my futility to talk sense into people and myself, everything that stands between me and things i love… almost feels self-imposed at times

im sitting n the sofa and typing away; my materialism notwithstanding, life seems too complicated. moments ago it was merely a rendering of reality. that each day you spend this much energy simply trying to catch up with things you aren’t even remotely interested in.

i wonder… if he was alive.. what he would say. he always knew exactly what i needed to hear.

i fear. i fear i am making the wrong decisions, saying the wrong words, doing the wrong things again. putting faith in the wrong person, wishing so much to want a life i could dream about the i make all the wrong turns

tomorrow is monday. i have to go to work again. the last 2-3 days seem to have disappear into nothingness and aren’t worthy of speaking of. i wish i wish i wish

and there is no substance behind all this

i wanted to make him happy but now all i seem to do is make him sad. he said maybe… he shouldn’t say anything… because everything seems to make me upset…

shouldn’t the same apply to him too? i should just.. be quiet…

where’s the love i know we both felt?

amidst the fog the sweetness disintegrates and becomes part of the mist that blinds me.

06
December
[2009]


hey light

i apologise. deeply keenly sincerely i am on my knees and i apologise. my blithe judgment has no place in the world of a person who has made it abundantly clear that what i spoke of is the cruel circumstance of your being. i was in no position to say the things i said, whatever my intentions were (and benign they are, i swear it so) and the reflection of your mother in my image is the last thing we both want. so i apologise. i am sorry.

those three words, the last in particular, flung around as oft as it has been in the past week, is a trial of both of us in patience. i elicit these negative feelings that are infinitely new to you. did you expect your almost perfect girl to be so fatally bad at being good to you?

i have a period i have a migraine i had a bad day; i want some peace i need some time i want you; so many things, sometimes i can barely keep up with myself.

close our eyes. breathe in deep. clear the head. lie down. try to smile, even if the lack of colour is disarmingly bleak. in retrospect, all of our quarrels are meaningless.

you see, i hope, after you wake, you still remember that you love me. i’m still your girl. every single way.

mean while i will simply sit and watch as the fog of this consumes all of me

14
December
[2009]


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materialism

i am in serious trouble, and not the financial kind, mostly because i have like a ton of work to do and i have lost all motivation to actually do it in my free time.

lately i have been talking to a couple of people who are also young working adults who can’t seem to understand how i have managed to put myself in such a fix. when i tell them about the fact that i work nearly 18 hours a day, and i have to put so much personal resources into sustaining my position (also known as ‘looking at what internal resources are available first’), they are baffled. because the company that i work for is a really large company, you would think that some resources would be pre-allocated as per job scope, instead of relying on an employee’s personal resource.

case in point: the mac. i work in marketing where there is only ONE fucking copy of freehand on a pentium 4 PC (mine…), and all the agencies work on the mac platform, so when they burn the media projects for us to modify in-house, in hopes of reducing project cost by not being charged exorbitant amounts of money to change a single word in an advetorial, i can never access it. retail has got 2 huge 24″ iMacs and so does comms and a couple of other divisions. marketing, the one department that needs it THE MOST doesn’t.

last friday i spent about 10 hours of my time working on a piece of artwork that only took forever because nothing was planned in advance. as one of the bigger revenue drivers for year-end activities, somebody would think that this project would get more attention. i mostly helped out of pity. the girl in charge of the project is a friend, so i did my best to deliver something that was decent. of course, being the stupid perfectionist that i am, i paid attention to even the stupidest details, thus taking up about 10 hours of my time.

then i stayed until 9:45pm to finish a second project.. which, after i came home, i took another 2 hours to tidy it up… following on saturday/sunday, i didnt do any work at all. i knew that if i wanted to catch up on my work, i would need to finish it up during my own free time, but this weekend has mostly been a meandering trail of WHAT THE FUCK so i just forgot about it. conveniently.

anyway, yes, definitely quitting job. spent an hour yesterday looking at job listings. i am thinking if i spend another year right here at shitosa i will be able to get a job thats marginally better in salary and emotionally beyond what this one affords. plus i would probably spend less time working too.

fuckkk. can’t wait to quit.

K SO MY BOYFRIEND JUST TOLD ME ABOUT SOME CHICK who has been digging him for the past idk 6 months and how huge her tits are. pretty good. me and yyx have been fighting offhandedly for a bit now, and i can’t quite figure out what’s wrong, whether or not the problem lies with me, him, us, or just the entire context of our relationship. i mean i adore him, and as i always did i adore him still, but i wonder now if our feelings are mutual, whether or not they have shifted from where we began, whether or not its wise for me to continue trying to please him at every turn, while trying to level with him as an equal in terms of intellect and for him to take me seriously…etc. sometimes i feel alot lesser than he is, the calibre of everything he likes to do,  it lingers in the spectrum of ‘best’ whereas i am at most mediocre. i am of the opinion too, that whatever you choose to do, you must be prepared to do the best that you can (probably why shitosa hired me even though the job needed 5 years of experience and i had 0)..

but sometimes, just can’t keep up, and its exhausting

i miss.. hmm… being independent… it came as an epiphany, that once i too was perfectly happy being alone, and post-allan life has been always a whirlwind with a romantic element somewhere. nick said i am so afraid of being lonely that i am always looking for somebody, and when that somebody reciprocates sufficiently i just let myself fall deep, and once i realize its an abyss, that the only motion is downward…well, it’s beyond the literal. how funny is that?

once you go down there’s no coming up

maybe that’s why allan has always been so important to me.

anyway

materialism has been a dominant theme in my life these past few weeks, i’ve been shopping alot o_O buying shit tons of clothes and lingerie and techy thingies, i got $500 bucks from some gold my mom sold (yah she sold my baby gold…for $500…she sold something that has been sitting for 25 years, reeking of sentimental value and potential to be a family heirloom, for $500 bucks. she is so stupid) and now i have to spend half of it on christmas presents for the office.

..

sigh

i probably have to buy people i dont even like shit because otherwise people will think im rude. I HATE PARTAKING IN SOCIAL FORMALITIES LIKE THESE, these presupposed ‘norms’ and ‘politeness’ to mitigate face value ETC. are such BULLSHIT. i dont get butt hurt when people don’t remember my birthday; there, its such a huge deal if you don’t get a cake on your birthday. so i did something uber deliberate; they were planning on celebrating my birthday on 17 dec — i was asked REPEATEDLY to go back to the office on that day for a party DESPITE IT BEING MY DAY OFF. and i just flat out said no. i don’t want to reinforce the strange beliefs of society, let alone be part of it… but the christmas present ritual is something i cant escape unless i want to live uncomfortably in the office for the next 3 months.

materialism, lol.

i will probably write again. im like a dam, you break it you face the gushing consequence of an endless flow strong enough to blow your brains out if you stood straight in front of it

>which, btw, is what you are doing right now. the reading. thats standing in front of ma dam. yea nigga.

23
December
[2009]


if you like it then you should have put a ring on it

ow i shouldn’t have drank so much last nite ;_; head pounding

woke up today and saw some shit that i really didn’t want to see and found out some shit last nite when i came back home that i didn’t like hearin’ either and passed out; i think i justify the midweek drinking with the terribad movie which is avatar – sorely disappointed!!!! why was it so cheesy and why did it feel like the most obvious exploitation of pop culture’s current need for fantasy/scifi stuff now? it was like a really long world of warcraft geek’s fantasy – instead of a lead who is fat/skinny/acne-infested/no-life, replace the ‘outcast’ attribute with a wheel-chair bounded dude and you’ve got yourself Avatar

fuck me sideways james cameron suck less

so i had to drink myself slightly sillier to forget about avatar, its nice to have dudes who don’t really know who you are yet so they are willing to take time and sit around with you until 3am in a bar and listen to you droll on about the most stupid things; i tested their patience time and again and somehow they stayed!!! and they pick up the tab too…yippeee.

omg i keep hearing this song!!! beyonce knowles’ single ladies kept on coming on in the car ride home and i lol’ed non-stop the whole ride home, felt so super high, and when i came home i continued these antics on the internet and i woke up with some really bad hang over that i had to take a hot shower and a shot of lime to get rid of

just sittin’ ard waiting for my hair to dry now… got to take a cab to work again… im soo tempted to ask ryan to come pick me up again but hmm i think he is gettin’ the wrong idea so probably a better idea to not do that…zzz

i wanna empty my ipod and refill it with shit but i dont even know if i can have the time to sit around and resync all this music

;_; not looking forward to end of day today.. so many pressies to buy back.. when i got back to office there was a bunch of birthday/xmas stuff piled on my desk and i felt intimidated.. it hink this is a sign that i have to buy shit for EVERYONE ;_;…………. and i am going to shop at the middle of today and end of today so i can not embarrass myself further

;____; least i get to have lunch at wave house today. maybe i will see that awesome barrel riding coach, he always look so cool on the wave!!!!!

;____; fk workkkkkk

26
December
[2009]


day after failmas


uh i wrote like 2000 words and i deleted all of them because i was not comfortable with the notion of a run-on without conclusion.

made a video blog. deleted it. no dinner. no going out this christmas since last 4 days i indulged in being a reasonably sociable person. got tons of presents. liked most of them. still really hurt by the fact that yyx didn’t do anything. i feel like that defines the entire relationship with a guy and i just don’t see it going anywhere if that’s the way he decided to treat me on something i have harped on for weeks. but last day i have been thinking, the last 3 weeks have been especially hard for him so if i could just show him some appreciation by giving him a break, maybe it would be the right thing to do. though the fact that i texted him and wrote him so many times and didn’t get any reasonably pleasant response is more than enough to miff me and throw me back in to the game. so i went out with a lot of people the last few days. not out of spite, but just to break myself out of this nasty idea that ‘devotion’ is always reciprocated. enough.

yeah so i did. today marks the first day i have been alone with myself in a long time. stayed in, watched scrubs, laughed alot, wished i could be one of those people, any of those characters (even the janitor…). thoguht about my ‘feelings’ and how i seem to have so many of them. wonder if its a good idea to simply let things ‘happen’ and not ‘fight’ for them like how i normally would. but you know, i really am so tired of having to be the one who fights for anyone, so im just going to stop. i am going to stop making excuses. i am going to have friends who i don’t just talk to when my bf isn’t around, im going to have friends of the opposite sex and im going to be able to smile even when my relationship isn’t perfect.

time to let omeone else overthink, overanalyze and worry about ME. im done being that.

thats my new mantra.