Archive for April, 2009


05
April
[2009]


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i live in paradise

march and april are the best times to take a million photos in singapore. the skies are a perpetual blue and the clouds are just beautiful. i am such a cloudwhore, i don’t know why i ever gave up sky-gazing. i would spend time just riding in buses, mesmerized by how that patch of visible sky would always be filled with the same but different beauty of clouds.

its cliche to say it but the simple things in life really do make it good. but you have to look through the eyes of contentment, and then you would be left not wanting more…

but i am thinking about travelling again; i really want to see places again and now is the perfect opportunity. i want to see the world for what it is before everything else changes again

11
April
[2009]


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mostly harmless

cousin got her relationship with some bland boy solemnized today. didn’t go and pretend i was happy for her, since i am not one of those people who enjoy meeting superficial conceited fools, so i dodged the ocassion with all my might. so glad i didn’t too, because my mother and 2 sisters attended and so had a terrible start to their day

so they came home and told me all about it, and i could feel my mom trying to avoid sounding disappointed with how i live; i smiled because i knew that she wasn’t blaming me for not being in a steady relationship with a rich boy, or having a job that pays well and keeps me away from home..and she was trying really hard to not make it seem like that

but it got me thinking. you know how some people go through their entire lives being directed and pointed on by someone else, having lack of ambition or passion for their jobs, and end up just becoming part of the flow of humans who just are? i sometimes admire their lack of personality, their lack of opinion and their lack of protest against anything that actually matters in life. people like that astonish me. but i mostly pity them, because they live life without living. so by the social measurements of success, and for all intents and purposes the definition of it by biology, they may have lived, but really, they are nothing more than becoming part of a machine that they did not consent to build nor deign to alter.

people like that never change. they never know what they want. so sue me for being individualistic enough to want nothing more than to find out for myself, what i really want in life. i am proud to say it, and i damn anyone who dares to comment on how off the schedule of adulthood i am. i will be a bum at 24, i will be a bum at 25 if i so choose, but i will not stop being a bum just because.

i’ll be there when i’m ready. i am and i have always been like that.

anyway, said cousin is basically a person that has no opinions of her own and doesn’t really enjoy life in a critical way; i mean she went to europe for 3 months and came back literally unchanged. how do you live abroad for so long and experience so many cultures and still remain the same person, just more superficially enriched in the ways of the others? how do you not meet people you love and laugh with, get a new insight on what you want in life? how do you come back to the mundanity of a complex materialism that is neverending…?

dunno. don’t want to be like that though, for sure.

anyway, due to this unfortunate event of her solemnisation, mom was quite irked. to ease some of that feeling, we decided to go out for dinner, and we ate. happily. before we left our building for the restaurant, i took this photo of papa and joan. sometimes i feel really lucky about what i have; i don’t even bother changing my lenses any more, learning to live with the 30mm on a dx camera just helps me focus on the point of photography even more. they look so happy in this one, and they really were for the majority of the evening. we made friends with some japanese children, who my brother mocked mercilessly for the most part in the uttering of japanese brandnames and what not (a la scary movie 3740918) and had a relatively good dinner. i went off early instead of going to the pub with the family; there is something really weird about doing that as a family activity, a bit too weird for me to participate in. i didn’t really go home though, i walked around and looked at envy at all the svelte figures of the young girls around me, and thought about the last time when i was that attractive, and decided, quite suddenly, that i was going to achieve that level of attractiveness again. it would be so nice to be like that again.

but until then, i’m mostly stuck here… in a mostly harmless fashion.

13
April
[2009]


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all eyes on me

trying to explain a lion dance to a foreigner is an interesting experience. obviously i know what constitutes the tradition and culture of such an aged practice, and what inelegance it wards off in its superstition it makes up for in its marvellous art and form. so, without the further aid of being present at the event itself, it becomes almost difficult to verbalize the wonders of such a simplistic act.

the truth is, lion dance requires a lot skill. the coordination and trust between the hind and front legs of the pseudo godlike creature is a test of human cooperation. i want to think, that in order to do a great lion dance, you must devote hours of practice into becoming an infallible entity of one. i wonder what its like to try and master this art.

me, i probably couldn’t muster enough will and discipline to ever attempt.

17
April
[2009]


myopic

bit of a bother today trying to sort out my feelings. not too much of a trouble though. had a fight with my mother after confronting her on opening my letters, annoucing to the living room her counts and misdeeds of invading into my privacy. i don’t like it. i tolerated it in the past because i didn’t give her cause to trust me but in the past 5 years i have been nothing but a good girl so i don’t know why i deserve this rubbish.

the way i see it, there is respect and then there is concern. sometimes the latter comes after the former but most of the time the latter masquerades itself as the former. and that’s just not right.

no matter what i do i feel pretty trapped. read my chat logs, thought about my relationship, think about what kind of demonic insurgent feelings i have had to fight in the past month, clarified my feelings with nick, thought about joe, remembered allan, and temporarily wondered what life would be like if i had never deviated from my record of not cheating.

i mean, honestly. what kind of a girl am i now. just some clingy whiny insane bitch who hasn’t got a clue what she wants out of life for herself, so all day long she just looks elsewhere to make life more…meaningful.

tragic.

don’t know what i want out of life still. mainstream wisdom denotes this feeling of confusion as typical and acceptable. nick said that 25 is the new 21 – when in the past, 21 year olds are expected to get their lives sorted out, that life-changing sort of thing has been delayed to 25, so i have really only less than  year to get there

frankly, i doubt i will ever… be able to.

charm. girls all have charms. the charm of a girl differs from age to age, and i had it all down for a while. pretty girl with solid skills in the bedroom and an intellect strong enough to display in public – the younger the more impressive. it was easy.

now it’s pretty hard. when you are this old it gets to you. you just don’t have the capital for that shit anymore.

being stuck in the world of young people is hard when you haven’t a clue on how to grow younger, except act completely childish.

fuck that. i don’t need anybody who can actually replace me, walk away and turn back on me because he is sleepy. i don’t need someone who can’t take my bitching and whining, while i take his all day long. i don’t need anyone who hasn’t given me ANYTHING but promises, and even then my faith falters from his secret keeping. i mean honestly, who do you take me for? i’m this good, i am this beautiful, i am this strong

don’t need nobody.

19
April
[2009]


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30
April
[2009]


in memory of james

you were the elder brother i never had. and though i never knew you as well as i should have, and i will forever regret that i never cherished you as i should have, i’ll ALWAYS… remember you. thank you for having graced my life with your presence. you made the world a better place with your life and we will never stop missing you