11
April
(2009)



mostly harmless

cousin got her relationship with some bland boy solemnized today. didn’t go and pretend i was happy for her, since i am not one of those people who enjoy meeting superficial conceited fools, so i dodged the ocassion with all my might. so glad i didn’t too, because my mother and 2 sisters attended and so had a terrible start to their day

so they came home and told me all about it, and i could feel my mom trying to avoid sounding disappointed with how i live; i smiled because i knew that she wasn’t blaming me for not being in a steady relationship with a rich boy, or having a job that pays well and keeps me away from home..and she was trying really hard to not make it seem like that

but it got me thinking. you know how some people go through their entire lives being directed and pointed on by someone else, having lack of ambition or passion for their jobs, and end up just becoming part of the flow of humans who just are? i sometimes admire their lack of personality, their lack of opinion and their lack of protest against anything that actually matters in life. people like that astonish me. but i mostly pity them, because they live life without living. so by the social measurements of success, and for all intents and purposes the definition of it by biology, they may have lived, but really, they are nothing more than becoming part of a machine that they did not consent to build nor deign to alter.

people like that never change. they never know what they want. so sue me for being individualistic enough to want nothing more than to find out for myself, what i really want in life. i am proud to say it, and i damn anyone who dares to comment on how off the schedule of adulthood i am. i will be a bum at 24, i will be a bum at 25 if i so choose, but i will not stop being a bum just because.

i’ll be there when i’m ready. i am and i have always been like that.

anyway, said cousin is basically a person that has no opinions of her own and doesn’t really enjoy life in a critical way; i mean she went to europe for 3 months and came back literally unchanged. how do you live abroad for so long and experience so many cultures and still remain the same person, just more superficially enriched in the ways of the others? how do you not meet people you love and laugh with, get a new insight on what you want in life? how do you come back to the mundanity of a complex materialism that is neverending…?

dunno. don’t want to be like that though, for sure.

anyway, due to this unfortunate event of her solemnisation, mom was quite irked. to ease some of that feeling, we decided to go out for dinner, and we ate. happily. before we left our building for the restaurant, i took this photo of papa and joan. sometimes i feel really lucky about what i have; i don’t even bother changing my lenses any more, learning to live with the 30mm on a dx camera just helps me focus on the point of photography even more. they look so happy in this one, and they really were for the majority of the evening. we made friends with some japanese children, who my brother mocked mercilessly for the most part in the uttering of japanese brandnames and what not (a la scary movie 3740918) and had a relatively good dinner. i went off early instead of going to the pub with the family; there is something really weird about doing that as a family activity, a bit too weird for me to participate in. i didn’t really go home though, i walked around and looked at envy at all the svelte figures of the young girls around me, and thought about the last time when i was that attractive, and decided, quite suddenly, that i was going to achieve that level of attractiveness again. it would be so nice to be like that again.

but until then, i’m mostly stuck here… in a mostly harmless fashion.




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