22
May
(2009)



“because if you are not yourself…then who are you?”


get ready, fragments ahead

1. job interview. thats right, singular, not plural. in my slowpoke fashion in jobseeking i applied for only one job. i got to the pivotal ‘second round’, didn’t do so good down there, and i suppose no clandestine powers were in purview to save me one more time. that’s alright. i’ll wait for the ‘result’ of that 4pm golf-club job interview for a marketing executive and move on. wonder how depressed i will be. more importantly, i wonder how long it will be for me to stop being depressed…

2. brandy’s human album = super duper. here, play it from start to finish – i don’t know how anyone with an iota of feeling could dislike it. k shallow sentiments, overused beats, who the fuck gives a true fuck – i like the feeling it gives me. like a friend who knows what i have been through, what i am thinking…what i am feeling. that’s good music. that’s a reason to love music.

3. relationships. me and him are so good now, i think i may jinx it simply by mentioning it, so maybe that’s why i don’t often celebrate the both of us. but we have so much reason to do it; i think i am slowly becoming less muddle-headed, learning to be less demanding… appreciating all the small things… so maybe, i don’t have all the trust in the world for him now, as i used to do, but i think, i strongly believe (i put some strength in typing that word ‘strongly’ right there) that we AREN’T who we were a month ago; we are so close to who we fell in love with. one another. i am strong again. i can love myself again. i feel in control. like i know what i am doing and i know why i am doing it; and he is not the reason to live… he just makes living worth it. i smile thinking of his face. 5 minutes of just us is enough to help me through the next 24 hours of missing him.

that’s my heart. it knows what it wants and i am not fighting it with suspicion and painful paranoia and insecurity; i see these feelings… i recognize they are mine… but i know i can be more than them; they are mine, but they aren’t me.

better this way.

4. i cried a little bit because of what i thought about while writing #3. crying is an interesting feeling. i often think about my life in terms of the other people i have met in my life, i think of my family and i believe i know how i can make their lives better — what i can buy them, what i can say to them, what i can do for them, and i do those things. but here is the tragic truth. i don’t know them completely. they keep secrets from me. they keep secrets from EVERYONE. something they tell one group of people, they withhold from another group.

i found out my sister is smoking. for the first 5 minutes i was angry. then the anger went away. we know all the reasons why we shouldn’t do something bad, but we do it anyway.

i think of my life and the people i’ve known, what had become of them and what they were doing at the point in which i met them. the smokers the drinkers the juvenile delinquents with a thieving tendency, the addicted the dropouts the artistically talented who choose to relinquish it all for a path preapproved by society, the smart the stupid the slow but persistent, the tenacity in which everyone worked at what they thought wanted, and the sad fact that none of them knew exactly what it was. the elusive life goal. i think of them and i believe, i am so lucky, i came out unscathed. not a smoker, not a drunk, never injected drugs or sniffed glue voluntarily, never fought (enough to warrant bleeding), never had to give up much in life

i am so ok. i am so lucky. i lived vicariously, i took from them those poor moments in life that they had because of the life choices they had made and i retained the wisdom to rise above the misery, my own misery; so i never ended up becoming part of any big group permanently, i never had to look to satisfy myself with a persistent peerage, i was always so happy to be alone

maybe thats why i don’t stick around long, whoever it is that i choose to be around. i know the human spirit is so flawed and thoroughly fallible… that whoever i want to love, the people i choose as friends…if i stuck around longer, i would know that they too are far from perfect.

better to keep them in my mind as the great individuals i have thought them to be.

5. games!!!!!! i got new games!!!!!! and they are fun. but i still go back to guild wars. “better the devil you know”, i guess.

6. i am learning korean. i am surprisingly good at it. ok, that’s a lie, but i actually learnt the korean alphabet. i am so happy about it. now i can look up songs.

7. thats all i guess. soooo much for fragmented ranting….



one response to “because if you are not yourself…then who are you?”

  1. KrisBelucci Says:
    June 3rd, 2009 at 7:39 am

    Original post by mattusmaximus


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