Archive for July, 2009



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things i love

1. green grass that never stops being so curiously pretty regardless of its supposed insignificance in today’s world
2. paul frank (shut up)
3. k bones
4. my iphone (if it is not out of the question i would like to have its children)
5. eureka (!!!!!! sheriff carter ;_;)
6. the sweet smell of success
7. my dad
8. my mom
9. my mom on an ipod playing solitaire and bejeweled for 12 hours
10. my new bedspread (i never want to get out of bed)
11. my new attitude towards work (if it ain’t done it ain’t done, don’t fret)
12. my new attitude towards the brokeass work computer (everytime it struggles to process my requests, i just take out my iphone and play tetris till level 15 — usually it’s done by then)
13. clouds
14. soaking my feet in water while eating lunch
15. my computer (huggies super speedy child of mine, i hereby name thee wonder baby)
16. smelling like yu yee oil
17. dotchi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
18. my camera (till death do us part…k)
19. kbones (again!)
20. korean music (you are my booooooooo ^_^)
21. roniel romero (my brother from another motherrr)
22. durian (:X)
23. birdies!
24. swine flu!!!!
25. being able to stay awake at 3:27am at night without feeling like shit!
26. firefox 3.5 ^______^ i ditched chrome.



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mother nature

…went to the butterfly park thing on tuesday, had some weird meeting in the morning… what a fucking bad day, and when i went home all i did was mop around and be unsavoury. i really hate myself sometimes

mother nature is truly glorious, no? even in captivity. i stood around and had butterflies land on my back, hair, arm, etc. i really wonder what they do to these butterflies to make them so docile. i have a theory that they drug them in the feed. the place looks really cool now – small, but cool enough still – it has some species of turtles in square boxes of water… giant cockroaches… beetles… maccaws… toccans… (sounds nice enough on paper, no?) – but if only it was bigger.  the capacity is the only thing that makes the experience weak.

sometimes i wonder if i am even suppose to be sure of what i am doing. am i meant to be so stubborn and unaccepting of things, should i be constantly criticizing our relationship, should love be simpler, easier,.. should i be in this job, doing this day after day, should life be this effably inconsequential? i was so sure that my life would have been different – exciting, terribly intense and exhausting, but entirely rewarding… now i am just some code monkey, really. maybe an email monkey. i don’t know.

boss said we need to be “results oriented”…  not an unfamiliar concept to me… but the truth is, how do you EXPECT me to be passionate about what i do when im told to do this many things in this many hours, “if not”..? its a joke.

thats how i feel about my life now. what a complete joke. i miss being a bum. not because i had no responsibilities, but more than i had no obligations to entertain situations that i havent the least bit of interest in.

so i took mc. today. i have mc, tomorrow too. the boyfriend says i should go to work. pretty sure he just wants to get rid of me so he doesnt have to bother with me at all.

yeah. our relationship is hella stable.

not at all. i keep trying and trying to move on in my head but being the obstinate person that i am, i just like to rub salt on my wounds and talk about the same bullshit over and over again. i feel like a mad scientist who was asked to predict the number of years we have left to live on earth, and realizing we have only a day – i do the math over and over again, even though i yield the same answer: 1. i keep doing it because i don’t want to believe it

but i know i am right. i hope i am wrong, but i know… i am right.



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i just want to know.. chebal murahgo

i have been sitting here just feeling majorly upset about the world and everything in general for the past 12 hours. which is just disgraceful considering that the time that i have to myself is so immensely precariously little. why do i spend all this time being upset when i should be having fun, being relaxed? when this is the only time in which i have no obligation to answer to any of my work duties? why is it that in the moments approaching the finality of this weekend all i think about is what i need to finish or what i haven’t done this week?

i wish i could find the answers as to why i am so stressed about just about anything. even now my eloquence fails me. the clumsiness of every thought i have. that friction between what i wish my life was and the reality of what it is. as if i just lost control of everything that i felt life owed me to be master of. my every free minute in essence a privilege and not a right.

you could not feel any more tied down than me, i think. or maybe you could. after all i don’t have to be responsible for any one else’s life. i just need to live each day by itself. just keep on moving on until.. i can’t any more.

there’s this song in moulin rogue. it speaks to me. why live life from dream to dream, and dread the day, that dreaming ends?