15
July
(2009)



mother nature

…went to the butterfly park thing on tuesday, had some weird meeting in the morning… what a fucking bad day, and when i went home all i did was mop around and be unsavoury. i really hate myself sometimes

mother nature is truly glorious, no? even in captivity. i stood around and had butterflies land on my back, hair, arm, etc. i really wonder what they do to these butterflies to make them so docile. i have a theory that they drug them in the feed. the place looks really cool now – small, but cool enough still – it has some species of turtles in square boxes of water… giant cockroaches… beetles… maccaws… toccans… (sounds nice enough on paper, no?) – but if only it was bigger.  the capacity is the only thing that makes the experience weak.

sometimes i wonder if i am even suppose to be sure of what i am doing. am i meant to be so stubborn and unaccepting of things, should i be constantly criticizing our relationship, should love be simpler, easier,.. should i be in this job, doing this day after day, should life be this effably inconsequential? i was so sure that my life would have been different – exciting, terribly intense and exhausting, but entirely rewarding… now i am just some code monkey, really. maybe an email monkey. i don’t know.

boss said we need to be “results oriented”…  not an unfamiliar concept to me… but the truth is, how do you EXPECT me to be passionate about what i do when im told to do this many things in this many hours, “if not”..? its a joke.

thats how i feel about my life now. what a complete joke. i miss being a bum. not because i had no responsibilities, but more than i had no obligations to entertain situations that i havent the least bit of interest in.

so i took mc. today. i have mc, tomorrow too. the boyfriend says i should go to work. pretty sure he just wants to get rid of me so he doesnt have to bother with me at all.

yeah. our relationship is hella stable.

not at all. i keep trying and trying to move on in my head but being the obstinate person that i am, i just like to rub salt on my wounds and talk about the same bullshit over and over again. i feel like a mad scientist who was asked to predict the number of years we have left to live on earth, and realizing we have only a day – i do the math over and over again, even though i yield the same answer: 1. i keep doing it because i don’t want to believe it

but i know i am right. i hope i am wrong, but i know… i am right.




tell me something good



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