Archive for September, 2009


10
September
[2009]


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happiness


must write to commemorate this festive moment which has brought upon me the greatest joy of a lifetime: FUCKING FREEDOM!

part of me is like, fuck this shit i never want to think nor write about it, but i realized that this is a hallmark of my adult life and it would be a pity to not write it down so i can reflect on it in the future.

but you know i really dont have much to say about it!!! it’s gotten to the point where any analytical thought is superfluous and the facts stand for themselves and vindictively justify my instincts as a girl and a lover so i am just REALLY satisfied right now. no remorse no pain no suffering and just this relief that brings about the greatest pleasure of all — FREEDOM

and if anything else, i think that the support i’ve gotten from these people i play games with has been quite incredible regardless of how harsh they were or how they handled the situation with me. i mean i understand the complications and i have no blames or resentment because that’s just life. what else do you want. but if it were not for the GREAT BUDDIES i have just made in the past week i would not be alive. i would be uh that worthless desperado whose only intent was to destroy herself and the one who betrayed her

when all is said and done, and i do like quoting myself since the truthisms have just been rolling in, all that’s left is a tragic meme! and moving forward, nothing but happiness.

15
September
[2009]


let go

being stubborn has always been somewhat of a good/bad for me. sometimes my tenacity gets me to places where i soar high and do great, then at other times i end up sticking around when i really shouldn’t be

he told me a week ago that he was starting to see things differently. as if i am suppose to understand how my heart still beats passionately while his love for me fades to grey. like our words, as we exchange them these days, his attention gripped by something asinine and unimportant, when what ‘we’ wanted became what ‘i’ want now

everyone tells me to just let go. it’s better. so i turn to him and he too, says, move on. feels like i am the one left behind now

so i should let go. heaven knows i am smart enough to know that. still its so hard to think, that i can’t change anything, i can’t love him more, give him what he needs, let him be, let his life be empty of me, just.. let go

sometimes it feels like i’m holding on to the latch of my sanity. when i let go, i’m gonna fall. hard. i don’t know if i will die from the impact, so i hold on.

sometimes it feels like i’m just a coward, too comfortable from where i sit, afraid to move to greener pastures, even while everything decays around me and turns uglier and uglier by the moment.

sometimes it feels like i have no choice, that if i don’t walk away i already am being pushed away, and whilst i stick around i am nothing more than a nuisance.

sometimes it feels like i don’t know who i am. or what i’ve been doing for the last year. like all the little things i’ve worked for have turned into dust, mocking me as evidence of its existence turn invisible to everyone but me.

i think about him every day. i think about him when my eyes close, when my heart beats, when i am happy, when i am sad, when i need somebody, when i want somebody else, when i want to share something, when i need to work, when i eat, and nowadays it feels like i even think about him when i sleep

and it hurts like fuck to know that he doesn’t. he doesn’t ever think about me, nor well of me. i’m irrelevant. my words have no value, he has already heard enough. my love has no meaning, he has already had too much. my thoughts are commonplace and no longer interest him. my voice stirs no emotion other than irritation, no matter the state of emotion it is in. my face does nothing to him, crying or not, smiling or not, dark or light. my body seems to be the only persuasive element left in me for him.

i tell everyone i love him. his friends, his enemies, his acquaintances, strangers. i tell everyone how much i love him. a life i’d give up, a day i would be happy to spend in seclusion, almost anything i could give to make him happy. and now it seems like the only thing i could is to give him back his freedom.

i want out of work right now. i want a day, two days, many days, infinite days where i can slowly decompose all this thought and dissolve all my feelings. i want a cold sterility; and now all i wait, is for someone to step on my fingers, so i involuntarily fall.

i want to let you go. but my heart doesn’t. i want nobody but you and you want anybody but me. i hate you so much, i don’t even know where to begin…

25
September
[2009]


and that’s why i’m gonna be okay

“i dont believe you can love someone right away. love is after time, only after time. you can be infatuated with someone, have chemical feelings, be happier around someone, like being with someone – but love is living with someone and knowing them for who they are. the darkest moments, the ugliest habits and after all that at the end of the day if you still can’t see yourself without them…”

30
September
[2009]


3rd person perspective

[somebody]: fuck
[somebody]: weiss
[somebody]: you are like
[somebody]: a carp
jermine @ wwwwork: im seriously
jermine @ wwwwork: well
jermine @ wwwwork: im serious
[somebody] :i know
[somebody]: let me explain
[somebody]: you are like a carp b/c
[somebody]: they are like
[somebody]: the type of fish
[somebody]: that feast of bottom dwellers
[somebody]: and things that only the top fish dont eat
[somebody]: which allows it to sink down the the sea floor
[somebody]: ok i am like on some drugs today
[somebody]: you are a worm and a fish
[somebody]: lets keep count