let go

being stubborn has always been somewhat of a good/bad for me. sometimes my tenacity gets me to places where i soar high and do great, then at other times i end up sticking around when i really shouldn’t be

he told me a week ago that he was starting to see things differently. as if i am suppose to understand how my heart still beats passionately while his love for me fades to grey. like our words, as we exchange them these days, his attention gripped by something asinine and unimportant, when what ‘we’ wanted became what ‘i’ want now

everyone tells me to just let go. it’s better. so i turn to him and he too, says, move on. feels like i am the one left behind now

so i should let go. heaven knows i am smart enough to know that. still its so hard to think, that i can’t change anything, i can’t love him more, give him what he needs, let him be, let his life be empty of me, just.. let go

sometimes it feels like i’m holding on to the latch of my sanity. when i let go, i’m gonna fall. hard. i don’t know if i will die from the impact, so i hold on.

sometimes it feels like i’m just a coward, too comfortable from where i sit, afraid to move to greener pastures, even while everything decays around me and turns uglier and uglier by the moment.

sometimes it feels like i have no choice, that if i don’t walk away i already am being pushed away, and whilst i stick around i am nothing more than a nuisance.

sometimes it feels like i don’t know who i am. or what i’ve been doing for the last year. like all the little things i’ve worked for have turned into dust, mocking me as evidence of its existence turn invisible to everyone but me.

i think about him every day. i think about him when my eyes close, when my heart beats, when i am happy, when i am sad, when i need somebody, when i want somebody else, when i want to share something, when i need to work, when i eat, and nowadays it feels like i even think about him when i sleep

and it hurts like fuck to know that he doesn’t. he doesn’t ever think about me, nor well of me. i’m irrelevant. my words have no value, he has already heard enough. my love has no meaning, he has already had too much. my thoughts are commonplace and no longer interest him. my voice stirs no emotion other than irritation, no matter the state of emotion it is in. my face does nothing to him, crying or not, smiling or not, dark or light. my body seems to be the only persuasive element left in me for him.

i tell everyone i love him. his friends, his enemies, his acquaintances, strangers. i tell everyone how much i love him. a life i’d give up, a day i would be happy to spend in seclusion, almost anything i could give to make him happy. and now it seems like the only thing i could is to give him back his freedom.

i want out of work right now. i want a day, two days, many days, infinite days where i can slowly decompose all this thought and dissolve all my feelings. i want a cold sterility; and now all i wait, is for someone to step on my fingers, so i involuntarily fall.

i want to let you go. but my heart doesn’t. i want nobody but you and you want anybody but me. i hate you so much, i don’t even know where to begin…

tell me something good


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