Archive for October, 2009


01
October
[2009]


an open letter

this will be the last time i ever write anything about you to you. doesn’t really matter since you never bothered reading my blog much anyway, so you probably won’t see this, but regardless, i can say everything out loud in public – that’s the difference between me and you. i always could speak what’s on my mind, never let fear stop me from being honest about what’s inside my head, deal with it when it comes instead of keeping silent

i have known you for close to a year now, i know all the silly shit about you, and i fell in love with you back then because i got so enamoured with the story of your life. i felt like there was a depth in you, a passion within for the things you chose to do, the quietness when you were done chasing the noise and commotion, those little moments we had which made me feel like we could belong. despite the contradictions and paradoxes, those promises you made me but never kept, that boy who thought he could actually love me but found out i was this hard, too hard to love – i loved you still. but you know, every story has a beginning, a climax, and an end, and the end dragged on so long for us because i was unable to let go our of beginning. i feel silly now. but its most likely a good thing, since now we have parted and nothing lingers

i don’t miss you any more. for a long while, months and months, i was convinced that i couldn’t live without you. i let every bit of my emotion and person be inundated with what you were doing, who you were talking to, what you wanted to be, and slowly you closed off more and more of yourself, to the point where you became a complete stranger. i copy pasted conversations between us in the beginning to you, i drove you to exasperation by not letting you run away from that image of who you were, and both you and i sat there digesting the weight of those words, knowing that person was gone.

i think about it in terms of what went wrong, and i realize that nothing really did. we were just two people of different mindsets, outlooks and priorities. i am demanding, you are laidback, i am philosophical, you are escapist, i am emotional, you are strangely apathetic to anything that doesn’t concern yourself – yes, i’m labelling you with all the negative things that you truly are, but those things i say about me are negative too. you can dump a million of me, it doesn’t change the fact that who you are today is so far from who i fell in love with. and yes, i may have become overwrought and emotional but you had a hand in orchestrating such a thing in me too. you don’t CARE about anything but YOURSELF, every impulse you have is evolved around self-gratification, all the bad things you say about people around has got no meaning whatsoever because you’re incapable of even doing the most regular things in life. what right did you have to look down upon others for their vices and sins? what right did you have to mock those who provide for you? what right?

none.

and every time i tried to tell you this, you just.. pushed me back more, and thought i was ganging up with strangers in your household, like a person who doesn’t know enough but has already chosen a side to be on – maybe you felt like i couldn’t possibly love you if i could criticize you, but …

i did, that’s why i tried. i wanted to help you become a BETTER PERSON. a person YOU yourself would be HAPPY to be. i tried to believe the best of you, think of you in the best ways i could, that i fought so hard to get back with you the first time around was just because i couldn’t let myself destroy my faith in you through hearsay. but you went about and proved to me, thoroughly, that you were capable of being a bad person, that you may even enjoy being a bad person

being with these people online really does influence you in ways you can hardly begin to understand. someone said you were just trying to fit in, thats why you turned out this way. the months i was away, you morphed into this disconcertingly self absorbed boy who i think, if i had met now, i wouldn’t have even fancied a bit. leaving me crying because you couldn’t disappoint 3 other people on a game you have played enough of to recreate in your head in an infallibly detailed fashion? walking a dog and being on a walk even when i’m heart broken to not get a single moment of believable reassurance from you? i am trying, i test patience and faith, but you, you are callous beyond belief when you can set aside some time for not one, but two girls who are known to manipulate anything in sight, when they are crying, to tease and cheer up, but you had none left for me. me who was trying so hard to get to where you are, who sat in the dark listening to your sad life stories, wanting to assuage you, wanting to make your life better, wanting to know you better – me you couldn’t do anything for any more unless it didn’t inconvinieced you. you even liked one of them. who are you? who did you become?

you can call me arrogant, but i know i am better than all of them, and yet those are the kind of people you want now. i know i am better because i made something out of my life, i take my challenges and i overcome them. i have something to show for every year i’ve lived. i haven’t spent the last 6 years of my life losing myself in the social fabric of online gaming, and i have no intention of doing so more than i did for you in the last year or so.

so yes, i know now. after the heartache, crying, begging, fighting, angriness and disheartening days, i know now, that we couldn’t have belonged. no matter how much i wanted to. we couldn’t, unless you wanted to, and you haven’t wanted to for many months now.

=)

thank you you know? after all this time, i realize too, that you did everything you could for me. especially the last 3 months, you didn’t stick around because you loved me, you were just being responsible. while i wished you didn’t lie to me, i also know that because you did, i can move on. and i will.

01
October
[2009]


listen

everything is alright…

04
October
[2009]


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07
October
[2009]


12
October
[2009]


16
October
[2009]


you said

that i should write even if my thoughts are tainted. you said you wouldn’t mind. i think about you, of that, and helplessly i smile. in my memories, that is how i’m always going to remember you. i hope i never deviate. i hope i never forget. i hope you know.

yyx, there are many things in life that never manage to emerge from the tunnel of shit which is every day. there were many times in my past life with so many somebody elses that made it seem like its impossible to cherish me, the way i always wished i could be – for longer than just a few months. i always think, there must be something wrong with me. so i police myself – every time i go slightly insane, my feelings explode, i implode, and then shit hits the ceiling fan and i stress whoever i am with so much that they grow distant. then i begin a remorseful period of cleaning up. i let the sweet side of myself take over and make everything ok. then i start again.

it becomes a punishing cycle, and for some time i thought that i am the reason why the cycle ever remains.

but yyx, you know, since i’ve known you, life has become drastically more enjoyable. the courage to face every day has somehow come back to my life. i feel so much freer and more confident. things which challenge me no longer daunt me so much so that i do not even attempt to start doing them. you tell me that, the frivolous wish of mine, to be cherished, is not just a fantasy. its the right way for a man to treat his woman. you listen. you listen and tell me things that i should know, but am incapable of respecting as reality. like the lies, the truth, the things that matter in life and the sad reality of every day. i think now, that i have always looked for something like that, like you, that every day could be made better simply because of that comfort. our light at the end of the tunnel, no?

i told you i was an idealistic pragmatist and you mocked me as the most impractical thing i had done in my life is the whole reason why we met. i warn myself that the idealism has to stop, that those foolish romantic reasons shouldn’t lead my life any further. yyx you know i’m not getting any younger and life has had more repetitions than surprises for me, but even as i grow only wearier, every day .. i don’t deny myself my idealism. its the drug that keeps me *alive*…

some how, you have become the light at the end of the tunnel, that light that i am surprised to find actually exists, because i have dreamt of it for a long time now and had almost given up hope for it altogether. that with those hims, not just him, but those hims, who i take the tingle in my nose and toes for as love, they grew weary of being my light. now every day i wait, i grow slightly afraid, that as i become more attached to you, you too will grow weary of giving and being it

yyx, i’m a stupid coward. im the kind of coward who knows she is afraid of something – for perfectly good reasons – but still ends up doing it, wanting it at the end of the day. so when i see something i am scared of, i will scream and kick…while slowly moving towards the source of fear. i’m a stupid coward, i don’t know how to run, i only know how to slowly and futilely inundate myself in what i fear

so even as i grow more and more scared every day, that you will hurt me, i think, i can accept, i can try, maybe just this one last time, to gamble the risk of being hurt. i think i have left in me, just this one last time, to gamble everything

for you

you’re my clean slate. you’re the reason why i’m okay. and i promise i will make you happy, for as long as you will have me try. and i hope that this doesn’t scare you away.

p.s. i believe that our score for the sushi survey is definitive evidence that we are highly compatible :p

22
October
[2009]


this time is different, i dont even feel the distance, im not missing IM NOT FUCKING MISSING YOU

jesus.

today was a day of great success and failure. success because i managed to leave the conundrum of mundane work life for just 1 day. failure because tomorrow it comes back to haunt me!

extrication is an interesting concept that has been brought to me very often lately. past one month it has almost been a discipline in itself when i think about how i have behaved in terms of my emotional stability. i was actually really enjoying not feeling like a piece of shit psycho every 2 seconds. but obviously all good things come to an end.

what i dont understand is how you can claim to want to have absolutely nothing to do with somebody and yet find yourself stupid enough to involve yourself in their personal space. soooo i was hoping for some complete detachment but of course, pyth kuratchi being the dick that he is can barely think about anything else but himself and ruin my online pleasure and space

what a fucking douche seriously

people keep saying that i talk about this so much and this indicates that i care about him still but it has nothing to do with that. its more like, “what the fuck get out of my peripheral vision son of a bitch”. i dont like him any more – any more than i liked myself back then, and all i wanna do now is jump forward into the infinite future of good fortune and blessings without the complications of remembering the idaho and utah past

I DETEST THIS SCENARIO, so i made a definitive decision to erase things in the way that i can best handle without any extremity

lets hope this lasts more than a week.

anyway. work starts in approximately 5 hours and i just cant waiiiiiiiiiit for my genius bosses to tell me all the things i have done wrong. you knoe in retrospect i’ve always thought that work cant be so hard as to screw up in every step of the way but i have come to the sad realization that i have become progressively, exponentially worse at my job. and i cant actually fix anything without trying. so in my current state of heck-careness, this is pretty much the end of the road for me

i even contemplated not working so as to escape the complications of being a failbot in s******.

what a ‘life’…

halloween’s upcoming and as always im expected to work. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with these people. its as if they think that the paltry $1,695 bucks they give me a month is enough to compensate for all the opportunity costs i have lost when i do not have my weekends to myself. SERIOUSLY!!!!! EVERY DAY!!!!!!! I GET HOME AT LIKE 10!!!!!! AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY!!!!!!! BECAUSE IT NEVER SEEMS LIKE I FINISH MY WORK EVER!!!!!!!!!

exclamation points for extra drama and sadness. \

raq’s birthday is upcoming and we’re supposed to get shitfaced together. idk if i can handle a drinking session, might be a breaking point of QQ and emo that will continue for another year or some shart. this life sometimes is truly exasperating

somehow, no matter how advance i level in my logic, i still come back to the conclusion that disappearing is the best way to deal with everything

but for now, i am just hoping that khalil boulos disappears forever.

o and i reformatted my computer, win 7 and media center is pretty beast man

addenum: and i just got my period YAYYYY FUCK