01
October
(2009)



an open letter

this will be the last time i ever write anything about you to you. doesn’t really matter since you never bothered reading my blog much anyway, so you probably won’t see this, but regardless, i can say everything out loud in public – that’s the difference between me and you. i always could speak what’s on my mind, never let fear stop me from being honest about what’s inside my head, deal with it when it comes instead of keeping silent

i have known you for close to a year now, i know all the silly shit about you, and i fell in love with you back then because i got so enamoured with the story of your life. i felt like there was a depth in you, a passion within for the things you chose to do, the quietness when you were done chasing the noise and commotion, those little moments we had which made me feel like we could belong. despite the contradictions and paradoxes, those promises you made me but never kept, that boy who thought he could actually love me but found out i was this hard, too hard to love – i loved you still. but you know, every story has a beginning, a climax, and an end, and the end dragged on so long for us because i was unable to let go our of beginning. i feel silly now. but its most likely a good thing, since now we have parted and nothing lingers

i don’t miss you any more. for a long while, months and months, i was convinced that i couldn’t live without you. i let every bit of my emotion and person be inundated with what you were doing, who you were talking to, what you wanted to be, and slowly you closed off more and more of yourself, to the point where you became a complete stranger. i copy pasted conversations between us in the beginning to you, i drove you to exasperation by not letting you run away from that image of who you were, and both you and i sat there digesting the weight of those words, knowing that person was gone.

i think about it in terms of what went wrong, and i realize that nothing really did. we were just two people of different mindsets, outlooks and priorities. i am demanding, you are laidback, i am philosophical, you are escapist, i am emotional, you are strangely apathetic to anything that doesn’t concern yourself – yes, i’m labelling you with all the negative things that you truly are, but those things i say about me are negative too. you can dump a million of me, it doesn’t change the fact that who you are today is so far from who i fell in love with. and yes, i may have become overwrought and emotional but you had a hand in orchestrating such a thing in me too. you don’t CARE about anything but YOURSELF, every impulse you have is evolved around self-gratification, all the bad things you say about people around has got no meaning whatsoever because you’re incapable of even doing the most regular things in life. what right did you have to look down upon others for their vices and sins? what right did you have to mock those who provide for you? what right?

none.

and every time i tried to tell you this, you just.. pushed me back more, and thought i was ganging up with strangers in your household, like a person who doesn’t know enough but has already chosen a side to be on – maybe you felt like i couldn’t possibly love you if i could criticize you, but …

i did, that’s why i tried. i wanted to help you become a BETTER PERSON. a person YOU yourself would be HAPPY to be. i tried to believe the best of you, think of you in the best ways i could, that i fought so hard to get back with you the first time around was just because i couldn’t let myself destroy my faith in you through hearsay. but you went about and proved to me, thoroughly, that you were capable of being a bad person, that you may even enjoy being a bad person

being with these people online really does influence you in ways you can hardly begin to understand. someone said you were just trying to fit in, thats why you turned out this way. the months i was away, you morphed into this disconcertingly self absorbed boy who i think, if i had met now, i wouldn’t have even fancied a bit. leaving me crying because you couldn’t disappoint 3 other people on a game you have played enough of to recreate in your head in an infallibly detailed fashion? walking a dog and being on a walk even when i’m heart broken to not get a single moment of believable reassurance from you? i am trying, i test patience and faith, but you, you are callous beyond belief when you can set aside some time for not one, but two girls who are known to manipulate anything in sight, when they are crying, to tease and cheer up, but you had none left for me. me who was trying so hard to get to where you are, who sat in the dark listening to your sad life stories, wanting to assuage you, wanting to make your life better, wanting to know you better – me you couldn’t do anything for any more unless it didn’t inconvinieced you. you even liked one of them. who are you? who did you become?

you can call me arrogant, but i know i am better than all of them, and yet those are the kind of people you want now. i know i am better because i made something out of my life, i take my challenges and i overcome them. i have something to show for every year i’ve lived. i haven’t spent the last 6 years of my life losing myself in the social fabric of online gaming, and i have no intention of doing so more than i did for you in the last year or so.

so yes, i know now. after the heartache, crying, begging, fighting, angriness and disheartening days, i know now, that we couldn’t have belonged. no matter how much i wanted to. we couldn’t, unless you wanted to, and you haven’t wanted to for many months now.

=)

thank you you know? after all this time, i realize too, that you did everything you could for me. especially the last 3 months, you didn’t stick around because you loved me, you were just being responsible. while i wished you didn’t lie to me, i also know that because you did, i can move on. and i will.




tell me something good



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