you said

that i should write even if my thoughts are tainted. you said you wouldn’t mind. i think about you, of that, and helplessly i smile. in my memories, that is how i’m always going to remember you. i hope i never deviate. i hope i never forget. i hope you know.

yyx, there are many things in life that never manage to emerge from the tunnel of shit which is every day. there were many times in my past life with so many somebody elses that made it seem like its impossible to cherish me, the way i always wished i could be – for longer than just a few months. i always think, there must be something wrong with me. so i police myself – every time i go slightly insane, my feelings explode, i implode, and then shit hits the ceiling fan and i stress whoever i am with so much that they grow distant. then i begin a remorseful period of cleaning up. i let the sweet side of myself take over and make everything ok. then i start again.

it becomes a punishing cycle, and for some time i thought that i am the reason why the cycle ever remains.

but yyx, you know, since i’ve known you, life has become drastically more enjoyable. the courage to face every day has somehow come back to my life. i feel so much freer and more confident. things which challenge me no longer daunt me so much so that i do not even attempt to start doing them. you tell me that, the frivolous wish of mine, to be cherished, is not just a fantasy. its the right way for a man to treat his woman. you listen. you listen and tell me things that i should know, but am incapable of respecting as reality. like the lies, the truth, the things that matter in life and the sad reality of every day. i think now, that i have always looked for something like that, like you, that every day could be made better simply because of that comfort. our light at the end of the tunnel, no?

i told you i was an idealistic pragmatist and you mocked me as the most impractical thing i had done in my life is the whole reason why we met. i warn myself that the idealism has to stop, that those foolish romantic reasons shouldn’t lead my life any further. yyx you know i’m not getting any younger and life has had more repetitions than surprises for me, but even as i grow only wearier, every day .. i don’t deny myself my idealism. its the drug that keeps me *alive*…

some how, you have become the light at the end of the tunnel, that light that i am surprised to find actually exists, because i have dreamt of it for a long time now and had almost given up hope for it altogether. that with those hims, not just him, but those hims, who i take the tingle in my nose and toes for as love, they grew weary of being my light. now every day i wait, i grow slightly afraid, that as i become more attached to you, you too will grow weary of giving and being it

yyx, i’m a stupid coward. im the kind of coward who knows she is afraid of something – for perfectly good reasons – but still ends up doing it, wanting it at the end of the day. so when i see something i am scared of, i will scream and kick…while slowly moving towards the source of fear. i’m a stupid coward, i don’t know how to run, i only know how to slowly and futilely inundate myself in what i fear

so even as i grow more and more scared every day, that you will hurt me, i think, i can accept, i can try, maybe just this one last time, to gamble the risk of being hurt. i think i have left in me, just this one last time, to gamble everything

for you

you’re my clean slate. you’re the reason why i’m okay. and i promise i will make you happy, for as long as you will have me try. and i hope that this doesn’t scare you away.

p.s. i believe that our score for the sushi survey is definitive evidence that we are highly compatible :p




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