Archive for December, 2009


06
December
[2009]


close your eyes and i

there’s some uber creepy asian magician on tv with his arms wrapped around some chick’s neck and super sleazy euro porno music in the background playing… disorienting.

sunday. 7:50pm. sometimes i think the problem really is me. working at shitosa has only made me more aware of how flawed of a human i am. there’s so many things i don’t know how to do, that even if i learn i still need time to adjust and do well in; in the reality and aftermath of being an adult, it almost seems folly to assume that one should only do things that one is good at. there are several things i am good at, but for each there are a dozen more that i can’t do

there’s a deep sigh caught in between; the constriction of my throat grappling at my futility to talk sense into people and myself, everything that stands between me and things i love… almost feels self-imposed at times

im sitting n the sofa and typing away; my materialism notwithstanding, life seems too complicated. moments ago it was merely a rendering of reality. that each day you spend this much energy simply trying to catch up with things you aren’t even remotely interested in.

i wonder… if he was alive.. what he would say. he always knew exactly what i needed to hear.

i fear. i fear i am making the wrong decisions, saying the wrong words, doing the wrong things again. putting faith in the wrong person, wishing so much to want a life i could dream about the i make all the wrong turns

tomorrow is monday. i have to go to work again. the last 2-3 days seem to have disappear into nothingness and aren’t worthy of speaking of. i wish i wish i wish

and there is no substance behind all this

i wanted to make him happy but now all i seem to do is make him sad. he said maybe… he shouldn’t say anything… because everything seems to make me upset…

shouldn’t the same apply to him too? i should just.. be quiet…

where’s the love i know we both felt?

amidst the fog the sweetness disintegrates and becomes part of the mist that blinds me.

06
December
[2009]


hey light

i apologise. deeply keenly sincerely i am on my knees and i apologise. my blithe judgment has no place in the world of a person who has made it abundantly clear that what i spoke of is the cruel circumstance of your being. i was in no position to say the things i said, whatever my intentions were (and benign they are, i swear it so) and the reflection of your mother in my image is the last thing we both want. so i apologise. i am sorry.

those three words, the last in particular, flung around as oft as it has been in the past week, is a trial of both of us in patience. i elicit these negative feelings that are infinitely new to you. did you expect your almost perfect girl to be so fatally bad at being good to you?

i have a period i have a migraine i had a bad day; i want some peace i need some time i want you; so many things, sometimes i can barely keep up with myself.

close our eyes. breathe in deep. clear the head. lie down. try to smile, even if the lack of colour is disarmingly bleak. in retrospect, all of our quarrels are meaningless.

you see, i hope, after you wake, you still remember that you love me. i’m still your girl. every single way.

mean while i will simply sit and watch as the fog of this consumes all of me

14
December
[2009]


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materialism

i am in serious trouble, and not the financial kind, mostly because i have like a ton of work to do and i have lost all motivation to actually do it in my free time.

lately i have been talking to a couple of people who are also young working adults who can’t seem to understand how i have managed to put myself in such a fix. when i tell them about the fact that i work nearly 18 hours a day, and i have to put so much personal resources into sustaining my position (also known as ‘looking at what internal resources are available first’), they are baffled. because the company that i work for is a really large company, you would think that some resources would be pre-allocated as per job scope, instead of relying on an employee’s personal resource.

case in point: the mac. i work in marketing where there is only ONE fucking copy of freehand on a pentium 4 PC (mine…), and all the agencies work on the mac platform, so when they burn the media projects for us to modify in-house, in hopes of reducing project cost by not being charged exorbitant amounts of money to change a single word in an advetorial, i can never access it. retail has got 2 huge 24″ iMacs and so does comms and a couple of other divisions. marketing, the one department that needs it THE MOST doesn’t.

last friday i spent about 10 hours of my time working on a piece of artwork that only took forever because nothing was planned in advance. as one of the bigger revenue drivers for year-end activities, somebody would think that this project would get more attention. i mostly helped out of pity. the girl in charge of the project is a friend, so i did my best to deliver something that was decent. of course, being the stupid perfectionist that i am, i paid attention to even the stupidest details, thus taking up about 10 hours of my time.

then i stayed until 9:45pm to finish a second project.. which, after i came home, i took another 2 hours to tidy it up… following on saturday/sunday, i didnt do any work at all. i knew that if i wanted to catch up on my work, i would need to finish it up during my own free time, but this weekend has mostly been a meandering trail of WHAT THE FUCK so i just forgot about it. conveniently.

anyway, yes, definitely quitting job. spent an hour yesterday looking at job listings. i am thinking if i spend another year right here at shitosa i will be able to get a job thats marginally better in salary and emotionally beyond what this one affords. plus i would probably spend less time working too.

fuckkk. can’t wait to quit.

K SO MY BOYFRIEND JUST TOLD ME ABOUT SOME CHICK who has been digging him for the past idk 6 months and how huge her tits are. pretty good. me and yyx have been fighting offhandedly for a bit now, and i can’t quite figure out what’s wrong, whether or not the problem lies with me, him, us, or just the entire context of our relationship. i mean i adore him, and as i always did i adore him still, but i wonder now if our feelings are mutual, whether or not they have shifted from where we began, whether or not its wise for me to continue trying to please him at every turn, while trying to level with him as an equal in terms of intellect and for him to take me seriously…etc. sometimes i feel alot lesser than he is, the calibre of everything he likes to do,  it lingers in the spectrum of ‘best’ whereas i am at most mediocre. i am of the opinion too, that whatever you choose to do, you must be prepared to do the best that you can (probably why shitosa hired me even though the job needed 5 years of experience and i had 0)..

but sometimes, just can’t keep up, and its exhausting

i miss.. hmm… being independent… it came as an epiphany, that once i too was perfectly happy being alone, and post-allan life has been always a whirlwind with a romantic element somewhere. nick said i am so afraid of being lonely that i am always looking for somebody, and when that somebody reciprocates sufficiently i just let myself fall deep, and once i realize its an abyss, that the only motion is downward…well, it’s beyond the literal. how funny is that?

once you go down there’s no coming up

maybe that’s why allan has always been so important to me.

anyway

materialism has been a dominant theme in my life these past few weeks, i’ve been shopping alot o_O buying shit tons of clothes and lingerie and techy thingies, i got $500 bucks from some gold my mom sold (yah she sold my baby gold…for $500…she sold something that has been sitting for 25 years, reeking of sentimental value and potential to be a family heirloom, for $500 bucks. she is so stupid) and now i have to spend half of it on christmas presents for the office.

..

sigh

i probably have to buy people i dont even like shit because otherwise people will think im rude. I HATE PARTAKING IN SOCIAL FORMALITIES LIKE THESE, these presupposed ‘norms’ and ‘politeness’ to mitigate face value ETC. are such BULLSHIT. i dont get butt hurt when people don’t remember my birthday; there, its such a huge deal if you don’t get a cake on your birthday. so i did something uber deliberate; they were planning on celebrating my birthday on 17 dec — i was asked REPEATEDLY to go back to the office on that day for a party DESPITE IT BEING MY DAY OFF. and i just flat out said no. i don’t want to reinforce the strange beliefs of society, let alone be part of it… but the christmas present ritual is something i cant escape unless i want to live uncomfortably in the office for the next 3 months.

materialism, lol.

i will probably write again. im like a dam, you break it you face the gushing consequence of an endless flow strong enough to blow your brains out if you stood straight in front of it

>which, btw, is what you are doing right now. the reading. thats standing in front of ma dam. yea nigga.

23
December
[2009]


if you like it then you should have put a ring on it

ow i shouldn’t have drank so much last nite ;_; head pounding

woke up today and saw some shit that i really didn’t want to see and found out some shit last nite when i came back home that i didn’t like hearin’ either and passed out; i think i justify the midweek drinking with the terribad movie which is avatar – sorely disappointed!!!! why was it so cheesy and why did it feel like the most obvious exploitation of pop culture’s current need for fantasy/scifi stuff now? it was like a really long world of warcraft geek’s fantasy – instead of a lead who is fat/skinny/acne-infested/no-life, replace the ‘outcast’ attribute with a wheel-chair bounded dude and you’ve got yourself Avatar

fuck me sideways james cameron suck less

so i had to drink myself slightly sillier to forget about avatar, its nice to have dudes who don’t really know who you are yet so they are willing to take time and sit around with you until 3am in a bar and listen to you droll on about the most stupid things; i tested their patience time and again and somehow they stayed!!! and they pick up the tab too…yippeee.

omg i keep hearing this song!!! beyonce knowles’ single ladies kept on coming on in the car ride home and i lol’ed non-stop the whole ride home, felt so super high, and when i came home i continued these antics on the internet and i woke up with some really bad hang over that i had to take a hot shower and a shot of lime to get rid of

just sittin’ ard waiting for my hair to dry now… got to take a cab to work again… im soo tempted to ask ryan to come pick me up again but hmm i think he is gettin’ the wrong idea so probably a better idea to not do that…zzz

i wanna empty my ipod and refill it with shit but i dont even know if i can have the time to sit around and resync all this music

;_; not looking forward to end of day today.. so many pressies to buy back.. when i got back to office there was a bunch of birthday/xmas stuff piled on my desk and i felt intimidated.. it hink this is a sign that i have to buy shit for EVERYONE ;_;…………. and i am going to shop at the middle of today and end of today so i can not embarrass myself further

;____; least i get to have lunch at wave house today. maybe i will see that awesome barrel riding coach, he always look so cool on the wave!!!!!

;____; fk workkkkkk

26
December
[2009]


day after failmas


uh i wrote like 2000 words and i deleted all of them because i was not comfortable with the notion of a run-on without conclusion.

made a video blog. deleted it. no dinner. no going out this christmas since last 4 days i indulged in being a reasonably sociable person. got tons of presents. liked most of them. still really hurt by the fact that yyx didn’t do anything. i feel like that defines the entire relationship with a guy and i just don’t see it going anywhere if that’s the way he decided to treat me on something i have harped on for weeks. but last day i have been thinking, the last 3 weeks have been especially hard for him so if i could just show him some appreciation by giving him a break, maybe it would be the right thing to do. though the fact that i texted him and wrote him so many times and didn’t get any reasonably pleasant response is more than enough to miff me and throw me back in to the game. so i went out with a lot of people the last few days. not out of spite, but just to break myself out of this nasty idea that ‘devotion’ is always reciprocated. enough.

yeah so i did. today marks the first day i have been alone with myself in a long time. stayed in, watched scrubs, laughed alot, wished i could be one of those people, any of those characters (even the janitor…). thoguht about my ‘feelings’ and how i seem to have so many of them. wonder if its a good idea to simply let things ‘happen’ and not ‘fight’ for them like how i normally would. but you know, i really am so tired of having to be the one who fights for anyone, so im just going to stop. i am going to stop making excuses. i am going to have friends who i don’t just talk to when my bf isn’t around, im going to have friends of the opposite sex and im going to be able to smile even when my relationship isn’t perfect.

time to let omeone else overthink, overanalyze and worry about ME. im done being that.

thats my new mantra.