materialism

i am in serious trouble, and not the financial kind, mostly because i have like a ton of work to do and i have lost all motivation to actually do it in my free time.

lately i have been talking to a couple of people who are also young working adults who can’t seem to understand how i have managed to put myself in such a fix. when i tell them about the fact that i work nearly 18 hours a day, and i have to put so much personal resources into sustaining my position (also known as ‘looking at what internal resources are available first’), they are baffled. because the company that i work for is a really large company, you would think that some resources would be pre-allocated as per job scope, instead of relying on an employee’s personal resource.

case in point: the mac. i work in marketing where there is only ONE fucking copy of freehand on a pentium 4 PC (mine…), and all the agencies work on the mac platform, so when they burn the media projects for us to modify in-house, in hopes of reducing project cost by not being charged exorbitant amounts of money to change a single word in an advetorial, i can never access it. retail has got 2 huge 24″ iMacs and so does comms and a couple of other divisions. marketing, the one department that needs it THE MOST doesn’t.

last friday i spent about 10 hours of my time working on a piece of artwork that only took forever because nothing was planned in advance. as one of the bigger revenue drivers for year-end activities, somebody would think that this project would get more attention. i mostly helped out of pity. the girl in charge of the project is a friend, so i did my best to deliver something that was decent. of course, being the stupid perfectionist that i am, i paid attention to even the stupidest details, thus taking up about 10 hours of my time.

then i stayed until 9:45pm to finish a second project.. which, after i came home, i took another 2 hours to tidy it up… following on saturday/sunday, i didnt do any work at all. i knew that if i wanted to catch up on my work, i would need to finish it up during my own free time, but this weekend has mostly been a meandering trail of WHAT THE FUCK so i just forgot about it. conveniently.

anyway, yes, definitely quitting job. spent an hour yesterday looking at job listings. i am thinking if i spend another year right here at shitosa i will be able to get a job thats marginally better in salary and emotionally beyond what this one affords. plus i would probably spend less time working too.

fuckkk. can’t wait to quit.

K SO MY BOYFRIEND JUST TOLD ME ABOUT SOME CHICK who has been digging him for the past idk 6 months and how huge her tits are. pretty good. me and yyx have been fighting offhandedly for a bit now, and i can’t quite figure out what’s wrong, whether or not the problem lies with me, him, us, or just the entire context of our relationship. i mean i adore him, and as i always did i adore him still, but i wonder now if our feelings are mutual, whether or not they have shifted from where we began, whether or not its wise for me to continue trying to please him at every turn, while trying to level with him as an equal in terms of intellect and for him to take me seriously…etc. sometimes i feel alot lesser than he is, the calibre of everything he likes to do,  it lingers in the spectrum of ‘best’ whereas i am at most mediocre. i am of the opinion too, that whatever you choose to do, you must be prepared to do the best that you can (probably why shitosa hired me even though the job needed 5 years of experience and i had 0)..

but sometimes, just can’t keep up, and its exhausting

i miss.. hmm… being independent… it came as an epiphany, that once i too was perfectly happy being alone, and post-allan life has been always a whirlwind with a romantic element somewhere. nick said i am so afraid of being lonely that i am always looking for somebody, and when that somebody reciprocates sufficiently i just let myself fall deep, and once i realize its an abyss, that the only motion is downward…well, it’s beyond the literal. how funny is that?

once you go down there’s no coming up

maybe that’s why allan has always been so important to me.

anyway

materialism has been a dominant theme in my life these past few weeks, i’ve been shopping alot o_O buying shit tons of clothes and lingerie and techy thingies, i got $500 bucks from some gold my mom sold (yah she sold my baby gold…for $500…she sold something that has been sitting for 25 years, reeking of sentimental value and potential to be a family heirloom, for $500 bucks. she is so stupid) and now i have to spend half of it on christmas presents for the office.

..

sigh

i probably have to buy people i dont even like shit because otherwise people will think im rude. I HATE PARTAKING IN SOCIAL FORMALITIES LIKE THESE, these presupposed ‘norms’ and ‘politeness’ to mitigate face value ETC. are such BULLSHIT. i dont get butt hurt when people don’t remember my birthday; there, its such a huge deal if you don’t get a cake on your birthday. so i did something uber deliberate; they were planning on celebrating my birthday on 17 dec — i was asked REPEATEDLY to go back to the office on that day for a party DESPITE IT BEING MY DAY OFF. and i just flat out said no. i don’t want to reinforce the strange beliefs of society, let alone be part of it… but the christmas present ritual is something i cant escape unless i want to live uncomfortably in the office for the next 3 months.

materialism, lol.

i will probably write again. im like a dam, you break it you face the gushing consequence of an endless flow strong enough to blow your brains out if you stood straight in front of it

>which, btw, is what you are doing right now. the reading. thats standing in front of ma dam. yea nigga.




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