day after failmas

uh i wrote like 2000 words and i deleted all of them because i was not comfortable with the notion of a run-on without conclusion.

made a video blog. deleted it. no dinner. no going out this christmas since last 4 days i indulged in being a reasonably sociable person. got tons of presents. liked most of them. still really hurt by the fact that yyx didn’t do anything. i feel like that defines the entire relationship with a guy and i just don’t see it going anywhere if that’s the way he decided to treat me on something i have harped on for weeks. but last day i have been thinking, the last 3 weeks have been especially hard for him so if i could just show him some appreciation by giving him a break, maybe it would be the right thing to do. though the fact that i texted him and wrote him so many times and didn’t get any reasonably pleasant response is more than enough to miff me and throw me back in to the game. so i went out with a lot of people the last few days. not out of spite, but just to break myself out of this nasty idea that ‘devotion’ is always reciprocated. enough.

yeah so i did. today marks the first day i have been alone with myself in a long time. stayed in, watched scrubs, laughed alot, wished i could be one of those people, any of those characters (even the janitor…). thoguht about my ‘feelings’ and how i seem to have so many of them. wonder if its a good idea to simply let things ‘happen’ and not ‘fight’ for them like how i normally would. but you know, i really am so tired of having to be the one who fights for anyone, so im just going to stop. i am going to stop making excuses. i am going to have friends who i don’t just talk to when my bf isn’t around, im going to have friends of the opposite sex and im going to be able to smile even when my relationship isn’t perfect.

time to let omeone else overthink, overanalyze and worry about ME. im done being that.

thats my new mantra.

tell me something good


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