Archive for 2010


01
January
[2010]


im so tired that i cant even go to bed

i hurt all over my body and i feel like i might suffocate in my sleep

and this exhaust is driving me insane because apparently when your body is in pain you can’t really go to sleep

last time i felt so abused was when i was in netball training
which fyi was the worst time of my life

today was a logistical nightmare that just reaffirmed the stupidity of my company; i listened to people argue about the technicalities in a way which i could not fathom would ever exist in a wholly intelligent world. ok, scratch that, you dont even need a wholly intelligent world for this to NOT happen. you just have to be reasonably not stupid.

the whole beach strip was littered with crazy and drunk people, i had to run back and forth between barricades and smile and make stupid jokes about right hands and a great new year while fondling with dumb tags and the most insane carpet armhairs i have ever seen (some of those arms felt like carpets…..) while being yelled at by people who were supremely unhappy because of all the waiting they had to do

which i thought was really funny, this one guest had every intent to yell at me but as he looked at my miserable and apologetic face, his tone never matched his words – he sounded less and less angry even if his words were meant to be irate…

i smiled inside, thank god for small fortunes. most people could tell i was trying my best to help.

doesn’t really matter though when you dont have authority. my sales director totally stepped up and led the crowd, i was thinking, man isn’t this something that my events director should be handling? the head of the division stood at the gates surveying the situation while all of us ran amok, easily distracted by one guest’s complaints while others stood by wondering how things could be so severely unorganized

sometimes i really wonder where on earth did we get the idea that we could ever be considered ‘world class’ – i don’t think i have ever seen such low standards of organization in my entire life.

i was briefed for a total of 2 minutes, i had to figure out things all by myself, i tried to assist people to my best abilities but at the end of the day i mostly had to turn away begging people and tired crowds with my most apologetic smile. i had to deal with rude policemen, fedup third parties, inefficient management, and i was part of this whole mechanism that, by my estimate, made at least 1,000 people most unhappy in the last 24 hours.

by the time it was 12:00am, the crowds were still stuck at the entrance, struggling to get through. as they tried to make the best of that hour, i could not help but feel that we failed them all. as the crowds thinned out, with many who purchased tickets walking off instead of continuing to attempt to go in, my manager cheerily gasped and said, “now we can all go off early!”

i was dumbfounded by her lack of foresight in not realizing how badly we had managed to fail the expectations of people who had invested in having a good new year’s eve with us.

i can’t stress enough, that this could possibly have been the worst new year’s eve i have ever had. and what’s worse is, i am certain that i am not the only one today who thought so. every turn was an obstacle, a queue, a line that only grew longer and longer and not shorter. different answers given by different people to the same questions, none of them sure enough to pass on their answers as the “official” answers – so some people jumped back and forth, queuing for hours and hours. i wish i could stop remembering the yelling, the pushing, the endless queries.

i was told that we needed to come back and help due to a lack of manpower. i believe now, truly, that it is not that – it is simply because those in charge of the logistics were not able to foresee what kind of management we needed and so just asked for every resource possible while having no idea on how to allocate those resources. at my tent, we stood side by side, about 6 people idling as the night crept past 10, leaving only 4 due to boredom incurred by the other 2, to deal with angry mobs who were being shuffled back and forth 2 locations just to get TAGGED. disorganization aside, the maddening inflexibility of the management, not being able to do small favours of assess the situation accordingly so as to avoid antagonizing an already frustrated crowd …. those things.. those things drove me mad…

i wish i could just find a way to forget the last 10 hours of my life. except for the ride home, i really didnt enjoy anything at all. not even the beer dudes who lingered around to talk, and ask me questions, or the guys who replied to my “steady lah”s with “i’m single, not steady”, and winks to top it off; the girls were all so beautiful, and the men weren’t actually bad looking tonight. i was so confused.

anyway.

in retrospect, i think this year might be one of the best years of my life. i started last year.. doing.. something. no idea what. oh actually i think i went to malaysia. no idea. i graduated with no idea on what i wanted to do with my life, i stuck with a person who really wasn’t worth sticking with, i listened to my heart and ignored it for once, i made a bad decision to join a terrible company but in the end gained so many friends that it seems almost worth it to have suffered all these injustices which i have in the last 6 months. i met people that i would otherwise never speak to, i learnt to judge people by what they do and not what they say, i let my often soft heart harden a little bit more and that made me all that more real. i got my iPhone which has so much so enriched my life… i got a macbook and that has increased my networth in the working world (haha)… i learnt to make sacrifices on my personal desires for the ‘greater good’… i got my heart broken and fixed in the same month, i met this incredible guy who i truly want a future with (no if’s or but’s, just… just.), i dream about a future that’s more and more real as each day pass by. i could see 2010 being great. no, actually, i know that 2010 will be wonderful.

for all those reasons i have said before, i now realize that me, as a girl, as a woman, it will always be as such. i will always be okay. with or without a man, in this world or another, as long as i stay strong and think. just THINK. i think i will be genuinely okay.

yeah.

so, bad new year’s eve, but so what? unlike what the media might persuade you to think, one experience doesn’t define anything. at all.

i’ll be hoping and making my 2010 dream come true. :)

03
January
[2010]


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just try to make the best of every thing


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04
January
[2010]


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tinker tinker


song of the now: beyonce – scared of lonely

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uhh spent the last hour tinkering with code…I LIKEY MY BLOG’S NEW LOOK! recycled elements are so ftw. i have not used the acronym FTW in a while :| tragedy.

upgraded to wp 2.9 and its giving me SO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE. i can’t login half the time through chrome so i have resorted to blogging on the macbook.cos firefox is really ugly on windows (sorry mozilla but i have always felt that way, i used to only use ff due to speed but now it’s not even half as fast as chrome!!! but no worries, i still have FF on the mac.)

speaking of which, i dont actually really like the macbook. it’s not as fast as one might think (fyi the vista running on the core2duo t7200? fujitsu is faster than this macbook i think…) and the corners cut into my fat arms. me no likeyyyy. plus the keyboard layout is a bitch (on the lab macs we could switch the keyboards layouts here because they were “full” keyboards – this shit you can’t!!!). annnnoooyyyyinnnngggg

i smell like ciggies, went out for din din and drank like 2 glasses of lime juice (WEET!). i feel like a mad pro food hustler. argue with the chef and tell him he sucks and he just gives me complimentary yumyums. A++

blog improvemento:

  • mp3 player for musicoo (can’t figure out how to get it to auto embed via custom field, so i am guessing i need to hardcode this in the plugin, which i REALLY DON’T WANT TO DO..)
  • pretty new bokeh background with colours i loveee (i am weird, shh)
  • bug fixes for the floats, gallery
  • new font (WOOO)
  • ‘list of the nao’ as a rudimentary ‘wish’/'todo’ list

planned blog improvementos (aka ~this will never be done~):

  • better gallery support
  • redesigned footer + header (think its better to seperate the content)
  • less ghey archive pages
  • better “random content” support
  • new logo/header ‘graphic’
  • flash parsing fonts for custom h1 tags (whee…easy but lazy to recode the templates)

i really like this layout. usually i switch every 2 – 3 weeks, but i have stuck with this for a year+!!! i mean, when i first made this blogskin i didn’t expect the years at footer to end up having THREE fucking tabs, holy shart!i have changed the background at leasr 5 -6 times, i still haven’t seen a column based title bar like mine work as good as it does here. so i think i will just stick with this and build on to it. it could be one of those epic blog skins that take 6 years to build, and by the time its finished, its so irrelevant that nobody cares anymore

well, at least until  HTML5 comes out and is popularized, which i think will take at least 2 more years before it becomes the standard. just doesn’t seem like the mainstream browsers will be very consistent with html5 (whats new, lol) so most early adopters will be early experimenters with no functional purposes – whatever functionality probably will be handled through the javascript streams and xml-based interfaces. we’ll see if i am right.. haha

blerggghhh i got so emo today, i thought i just wrote on the FIRST DAY OF THIS YEAR that i will CEASE BEING EMO ABOUT BOYZZZZ but how did i still let someone disarm me and kick me in the arse. so disappointed with how my week end turned out, the vietnamese dj i was hosting broke her promise and made me and my manager sadface. she was suppose to be back in her hotel room by 10am today but she did no such thing >:| being the super devout christian that she is (man her bible was so thick from all the notes she was takin in it LOL, i was mad surprised) she had to stay in church the whole morning despite it being a working trip. bitch should be made to forfeit her entire trip entitlement cos of this. so come mon. i will need to go down and take her around one more stop. i HATE THAT, why do people waste my time! i wanted to get my work done tomorrow. instead, i will just be showing her ass around. and not to mention that i will need to send her off at 3pm, which pretty much means my whole morning will be fully about her. WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!!! WE DON’T EVEN SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE!!!! JESUS!!!

i’m really sad =( working on thursday put me in a blue mood (imagine getting yelled at by angry people on NEW YEAR’S EVE for 6 FUCKING HOURS…) and friday was a blur ‘cos i was asleep most of the day… YYX only came back in the afternoon, then we did some terrible things to one another and i fell asleep again, then he just pzz’ed on me and the next time we spoke he was like blabla plans blabla c u 2 days blabla and i was so flabbergasted ;_;. sat came, spent whole entire day failing on shitosa, and i was really hoping to have at least ONE GOOD DAY before going back to work, but nope. spent 7 hours mopping around waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting… so feddup. thinking about it makes me want to tear. while i was being miserable, i felt like yyx didn’t even give 2 hoots about me (no call no text no message left, just absolute 0) ‘cos come monday will be the worst week ever – my miniboss went on vacation and left me a whole list of things to complete and i am so sure i will not be able to finish anything.

last week was suppose to be vacation but i don’t think i rested much… the times when i wasn’t checking email, i was on aion being bad, and if not i just made a mess of my room everytime i was going to go out. it feels like i have had a shit day for every day of the last 3 weeks and it just extended itself into the 4th week ‘cos of this sunday. i want to SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!! AND PUNCH BABIES IN THE FACE!!!!!

now i remember why last week wasn’t so fantastic – i spent almost every day out o_O chilling and drinking until middle of night…

NOW I KNOW WHY I DIDN’T REMEMBER IT!!!!

I WAS DRINKING!!!!

man!

that’s the secret to not being miserable

bbl beer.

06
January
[2010]


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critically

I CAN’T WRITE

BLOODY FUCKING WRITER’S BLOCK

but yyx says WTB blog, so…i must do as my master says.

maybe it will be better if i write it down in point forms…:

1. i have close to 20 christmas presents i have yet to open o_O
2. my family stole my tote bags which i was using to hold the above o_O they just emptied them out into a paper bag and took them while i was out visiting the doc. sneaky
3. i got a teddy for free :D it is cute, fuzzy and now resides on my bedside table.
4. when i think of inches, i think of cocks. this teddy bear is 8″ long. hmm.
5. i went to the doctor and he was such a retard. i told him what was wrong with me, he wouldn’t listen, said a bunch of shit, said he would give me a SINGLE COURSE OF ANTIBIOTICS, scribbled like 5 other things on the paper, then sent me back to the counter to pick up my meds. and the nurse started giving me shit for cough, flu, muscle relaxants, fever, etc.? and i was like…. there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH ME YET. THIS IS WHY I AM HERE. i know there is something that will blow up soon and i need to prevent it! just give me the fucking shit for my sinuses. wth are you giving me 20 types of medicine?
6. i was madddd. and the nurse took off everything but the biotics course + muscle relaxant, and still the bill came up to be $50. ooookayyy.
7. i miss yyx.
8. i had so much fun with yyx this morning. his little brother is the cutest smartest darndest thing ever. and i like how yyx threatens to beat up his family every 5 minutes o_O
9. but babe, it was not cool to call your sister fat. not cool at all.
10. i got a whole box of chocolates in anticipation of the upcoming period.
11. i had mango bubble tea AND FRIES for dinner. YEAH!!!!
12. ‘what we have is worth its weight in gold’, although this is technically challenging as you can’t really weigh ‘us’
13. we don’t have any more gold, my mom sold them all because the gold prices are high now
14. it will cost me about $300 to visit china. cool!
15. i never want to leave my bed =( its so comfortable
16, i love you
17. i really do
18. why does it mean that we have to be together for me to love you?
19. i could still love you even if you didn’t love me back
20.if there is one person i want in my life forever, it’s you. even if it hurts
21. but when i like some one, i turn crazy, unreasonable
22. i’m still all the good things, but the bad things grow out of hand when i get angry, and i know you won’t like that person
23. which is why the 3 strike policy is quite good. fyi the 3 strikes is just an anger measurement system. im just not allowing myself to be angry until the 3rd strike. that way, you know that i am getting mad, and it doesn’t just ‘suddenly’ hit you like a dude buttfucking you in the back alley
24. am i really that hard to love? i think im really reasonable!!! just give me all your attention, look at me when we are talking, have the courtesy to think about what i may feel even if what you are doing seems alright to you, consider what you want and what it might mean to me, and i think we are usually good to go
25. you on the other hand!!!! are so hard to love sometimes. i want the inside, i saw the inside, that’s why i love you. and your inside is perma-encrypted and always changes passwords so i can’t even get an all-access pass. fuck you!
26. last few points seem like the minutes for our last session.
27. last session was fucking hot. mmm.
28. i like it when you tell me what to do.
29. i hope you don’t forget
30. remember… you can eat whatever you like, but you must ALWAYS HAVE IT WITH PEPPERONI PIZZA!!!!!

11
January
[2010]


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Protected: i needed this

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13
January
[2010]


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Protected: now its too late for you and your white horse to come around

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17
January
[2010]


new camera!


SMEXY. had to write about this because meh, i have an incredulous need to show off sometimes. the samsung st45 is powerfully small and plasticky and 17mm thick which means it will always be in my bag and needs about as much taking care of as a 35 year old millionaire. i looooveeee it. its ok that the photo quality is slightly fail, and the lens is a 35mm pos, but its still smexy as hell. SOOO SMEXXXYYYY.

17
January
[2010]


scrabble post

smile ^^

22
January
[2010]


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24
January
[2010]


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exhausted


song of the nao… paperbag:

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think im supposed to feel happy and high like i almost always do from family gatherings but im just gathering dust with my emo self here…lol.

i laughed a fair bit but its loud and rambunctious and hollow

i dont know why i am so exhausted. when the clock hit 10pm i just wished i could lie down and sleep

actually i spent like 3 hours gathering umblia… lol holy shit… waste of my life and time….

tomorrow’s sunday and its that rundown stupidity known as work again…

just one more week.. then another week… then another week…

kids came by and yyx asked my cousin how old she was, and when she said she is “12++” i felt a bit shocked. i’ve known this kid since she was wee big, i had to rock her cradle till she fell asleep, i remember looking after her and when she wouldn’t do anything unless i was around, how she would fall asleep to music and cry when it stopped cos the cd player ran out of battery…

bejeesus.

brain farts ahoy…dunno why but ive been feeling really dumb of late. i need that competitive edge, that sense of urgency that doesn’t derive from incompetion of tasks, i need adrenaline that comes from having true passion and engagement…

think as a marketer im suppose to inspire the above.. how to do so when i barely can muster the energy to register my fate daily. lol.

ahhhhh
ahhhhhhhhh

ahhhhhhhhhhhh…..

why does it have to be sunday tomorrow? i wish i could just stop working for a long time… …..

please god.. let me quit…

feel so miserable when i think about real life.

ok ok.. routine goodstuff/badstuff evaluation

GOOD
1. sharing b&j’s macademia mission with the couzzies
2. watching my mom show off her facebook skillz to her siblings
3. deep&meaningful conversations with papa
4. kristal looking gorgeous despite that wreck of a car accident 5 years ago
5. my fucking awesome macbook (i hate but im listening to music right now and its pretty brill. cant say that for most windoze laptops)
6. its the weekend
7. i had fun on aion with yyx
8. good servicings today
9. i made 2 gigantic yummy sandwiches
10. everybody loves my room and dual monitor set up

TERRIBLE
1. im fat and do nothing but work and play computer games
2. i hate my job and i cant stop whinging
3. i feel like i cant communicate properly anymore
4. my english is fob
5. i feel inadequate
6. dont feel like yyx and i are working towards our future together anymore
7. my iphone is retarded
8. im too lazy

tink good outweighs bad so im still good for a bit

25
January
[2010]


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Protected: self fufiling prophecy

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31
January
[2010]


slices of life

man i am sooo tired. dunno why i insist on blogging before i retire.

did something a bit more social today. got up early (well, on a sat anyway) to visit grandma in hospital with my dad, mom, uncle and aunt. man it was a squeeze in their tiny little car. so many traffic jams all over the fucking place cos today is thaipusam and i didnt know. good thing = interesting things to see; bad thing = bored as fuck. but thanks to the mercy that is technology, i kept myself entertained with sxephil videos and awesome kpop.

as i sat in the car full of chinese people, glancing out the car window to see a sea of indians and culturally unfamiliar tourists, listening to trippy korean music on a device that was designed in california and made in china, i had this odd realization that our world is truly an extraordinary place.

its funny how things you dont usually appreciate are things that are the most interesting

man my breakfast was sooo beasty. laksa without chopsticks is weirddd. and the sea calms in there was soooo good. sighhh. im hungry thinking about it. and i didnt have dinner! just a bad sammich. ;_;

should probably have another beasty brekkie tomorrow morning.

my face itches.

rawrrrr.

i did some super cool thing to my macbook and made windows 7 run off bootcamp. so now i can play aion while not at home, but its weirddd when i hit the command key accidentally. trying to remap my keyboard is a nightmare in this fkn shit. so i dunno how long its gonna be before i finally acquire a FOURTH set of muscle memory for the windows7OnAMacBookKeyboard. o_O

also, this week i’ve been generally cordial with yyx, and its fun to just chill with him without feeling like shart. nick says its mercury in retrograde but im not feeling it. either my fates have been realigned or this retrograde has always been bullshit.

speaking of nick, i yelled at him massive today. i dont know how else i can get through to him. we have neither reason to live nor die, and it stands clear that what we have is what we must make use of. so i get mad when he talks about death as if it is something he has any right to own. i dislike his attitude towards life; since we’ve parted ways, things have been really awkward. there is always advice i want to give him but i withold; and i wish he could just take a second look at the facts between me and him and realize that we weren’t soulmates and we aren’t meant to be together. i want to be his friend but it gets so hard sometimes.

I NEED FOOOOOOOOOOOD

YYX = DA BEST KKK.

02
February
[2010]


epic

spent the entire morning doing nothing. it was epic.
i decided to log in to windows 7 on the macbook and loaded aion, afk crafted all my elemental waters so now i have enough for 500 pots.
i dunno why the office doesn’t have 3G access, its so annoying. came to the gym to sit and type nonsense while farming umblia in the background.
mom called me at about 7pm yesterday and said some nonsense about some amazing movie called “The Secret” and begged me to look for it. its a ‘self-help’ documentary that talks about the power of positive thinking through the context of ‘law of attraction’. apparently, whatever you think about is what you attract into your life!

i should probably start thinking about money.

other than that, its been a pretty cool day of nothingness. i just sat around and copyedited like 3 lines, felt irritated that this rhythm of things isn’t going to change no matter what i do; worst is i actually don’t care anymore. why bother? lol.

08
February
[2010]


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plastic.glass


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10
February
[2010]


first of all


these bitches who keep hitting my macbook with their fat asses and bags will die in their sleep tonight.

i can’t believe that chinese new year is coming so soon! and landing on the same day as valentine’s day too?

i’m see really non-schizo advertising for some reason. it’s as if marketing workers in Singapore have forgotten that both of those occasions collide this year and just decided to concentrate on exploiting the shiny chinky town festival.

i’m doing something to mesh up both. its prt cool.

cancelled my aion subscription yesterday. just dont see the point of playing any more. i really just wanted to play with yyx but now that he’s all sorts of pro at a lower level gank dude, i don’t think either of us have time to sit around and level shit to 50. its so depressing that i have to grind HOURS just to get to the fun. plus red army disbanded due to the dumbest reasons on earth; i wrote to NC soft and said that i would not support their game further and i wasn’t kidding.

its always nice to be able to stand behind your own words.

i looked at my finances and realized how poor i am is directly related to how much i spend (GENIUS!) on a whim. i often go out to the mall after work just to relax and stretch my legs out a bit after sitting at the desk for so long, and end up buying all sorts of shit. i think women are genetically predisposed to being financially unsound because i swear, before puberty, i was a super saver. and now… tsk tsk

so i asked yyx to help me figure out how much i can spend a day based on a budget of 250 per week. i’ve got it refined further, to $25, so now i add up everything before i buy it. and when i want something, i think about how much it costs and how many days of NO FOOD NO TRANSPORT it would take to earn it back and i just stop.

so far so good. i spent about $3.90 + $5.85 + $3.50 today. ALL ON FOOD! yum yum.

i’m also looking at my diet and making smarter choices too. instead of accelerating death by irresponsible about what i eat, i thought it might be a good idea to examine my life goals and see if i’m enabling myself through practise.

OMG I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN BRAIN WASHED. but in a totally good way.

wrote my resignation letter today… showed it to my other manager… she was pretty disappointed with my decision; she wanted me to think it over some more, and i thought well, i don’t think i need to. asked my colleagues about the procedure to quit at the place and they said to directly submit resignation to 1st lvl supervisor, and if it doesn’t get cleared i will be asked to go into the office for a “negotiation” process…

i know my direct supervisor already is trying to get me a higher pay but i really can’t take it anymore. i don’t think i want to wait for 2 more months just to figure out what i did or didn’t do right enough to earn my DESERVED salary range.

why should i spend 2 months barely breaking even when i could be making easily as much in just 1 week’s work, with close to zero expenditure?

it was so easy making money as a freelancer. i miss it. :(

14
February
[2010]


OPPARU SARANGHAE

  1. when you wake up you do this cute twitchy turn around stretch thing that makes me smile every time
  2. when you squint you look really mad
  3. i dont think i’ve ever had anyone make me laugh at myself as hard as you do and not feel humiliated by it
  4. i love that you let me troll you back every day
  5. sometimes we mess up, but we always make up soon after… and you don’t tend to walk away from me.
  6. you shit talk in your sleep… hahahhaha
  7. i never get bored of looking at your face
  8. when i ask for a kiss in my head, i get one from you!!!
  9. you wake me up every day without fail =)
  10. you lead the way and i’m always happy to follow because i trust you.
  11. and i know, i may seem a little disappointed when you say you know you love me because you trust me, but i know how important this is and what it means for you. and i appreciate it with all my heart
  12. we make mistakes and we learn from it.
  13. we compromise with one another and never feel like we are sacrificing too much for one another.
  14. your infinitely impatient persona takes a backseat sometimes… just for me.
  15. you are so charismatic, but you don’t even know when other people are into you!
  16. i gladly eat the humble pies you bake me
  17. i think i am a better person because of you
  18. and i learn to love myself a lot more because of you
  19. every day gets a little bit easier because i have you.
  20. and i can only hope that you feel the same way too!!!!
  21. i LOVE Y O U.
10
March
[2010]


zzzz

1. left work early and got caught by boss; shamelessly waved cheerfully while exiting in slow motion to demonstrate how little i cared.

2. second day in a row i went to work and came back… ALL IN DAY FUCKING LIGHT!

3. this privilege ends tomorrow.

4. i am really upset because i have to go to work in about 5 hours and i kinda did nothing.

5. …

6. WORDS CAN’T EXPRESS HOW FUCKING MISERABLE I FEEL RIGHT NOW

7. HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS SHIT CAN I TAKE??????????????

28
March
[2010]


j.j

this is how i have always known you but held myself to be exception of. where applicable you exaggerated all attributes of a situation to your advantage, your case. which, as is with any intelligent person, is quite a good stance to take. i applaud you on your argument-wining tactics, but as your opponent, i think you should know, it is exhausting and tests the best of me. i find myself wanting to give up more than i want you to understand me now.

like you, our weekly-turned-daily arguments are tiring me. i have gone to the point where i wonder if, i said goodbye, if you would not jolly well just say goodbye too.

i have my petty emotions and they go out of hand. in situations like these where my eloquence is nowhere to be found, my tongue-tied self has little edge save for stabbing you with whatever blunt point it has left.

i pity me. most of this is an accumulation of my incompetence in the past 6 months. perhaps what is the most tragic of all is how it was never like this.

underlining life with sour feelings and bitterness is not admirable… at all

these quirky circumstances, we have always know, and of me, my pettiness, paranoia, jealousy, rage and sadness roars of an injustice you have grown weary of

i know not why i emphasize so much of how this exhausts you

i think, maybe, because, i would like you to know that i do know, and that it too exhausts me.

—-

the beautiful dog named JJ sits on my kitchen floor whimpering. it’s pissed itself in the wrong place again, and i know its antsy steps and circling meant only one thing – urination – but it just refused to moved to the newspaper pile. i know it odd but i think that it has grown an aversion to the smell of its own pee.

i look at the dog and i know she kinda gets me. i’m the girl who sits on and lets her lick me all over my thighs and feet, a strange obsession she seems to have. 2 days in this family and i already feel closer to the dog than i have felt to most people these past few weeks.

i’m lonely. yet another odd statement to make. i’m lonely, i go to work and i am huddling at my desk with yet another pile of unfinished business; my boss guarding the front of my cubicle, my pseudo boss the back, and 2 other people who are keenly aware of how i feel but don’t care enough to disagree, flanking the sides. its like a death trap.

lunch comes and i say yes sometimes to off-island rendezvous, lunching in groups, disappearing amidst the chatter. i smile and say i feel sad, tired, stressed and nobody believes me. that’s how i have always been. when i smile people stop noticing how unhappy i am inside.

lunch ends and i go back to my cubicle. with nobody to distract me i either concentrate on eliminating my to-do’s or watch the minute and second hands intently; either way, time passes and when the clock strikes, i pack what’s left, with a promise of what i’ll do that night at home, to make up for the dilly dallying i do at work

it, of course, never happens. those 4, 5 hours of time locked in my room – that is the conscious i crave. i look at my walls, i listen to this sad music, i want all those good things to last forever. how do you … feel lonely… yet like being alone?

in my head, life is hard. life is harder than it is suppose to be. i have a repertoire of excuses on why things don’t work, and i have none of the passion i used to have to make things happen. years of living and remarkably, i finally understand, why people stop feeling, why people stop believing.

because what is the use of it? we are all minute parts of a system, these human components, this composite, we work towards something that none of us can agree on or even ascertain. my life as it is is nothing like what i’d imagine myself doing.

but, i take solace in the fact, that at least, i am still thinking about me.

15
April
[2010]


cos im a super woman


FIRST OF ALL I WOULD LIKE TO SAY I KEEP ALL THE CARDS THAT YYX SENDS ME AND PUT THEM ON MY ~MIRROR MURAL~ SO WHEN I AM DOWN I READ THEM AND I FEEL UP (THUMBSSSSS UP). ALSO, I HAVE ALL THE FLOWER PETALS DRIED UP AND SAVED IN A POUCH. AND I LOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEEEE IT WHEN YYX SENDS ME FLOWERS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS (BARRING MY PYJAMAS) AND MOSTLY BECAUSE IT MEANS HE WANTED TO MAKE ME HAPPY :)

lunchtime
head pounding
thirsty
should walk to the pantry and get meself a cold glass of waters.
but noooooooope
i am not moving!

yyx’s new obsession: pix of me on my iphone (???)
i dont get it
:(

nights are hot
and cold
and hot
and cold
much like how i am
hotttttttt andddddddd cold *katy perry* i am so skipping to that track right now

how can i be 26?
i act like a 12 year old! :(
classic yyx response: “with you dressed like that, you better be”
classic jt response: “uhhh what?!!!!!”
classic pedobear dodge tactic: “LETS PRETEND I NEVER SAID THAT”

$35 well spent… too bad the criss-cross’ come undone
$25 for 30 minutes more with you
i want to cuddle kiss and sex with no end in sight
on and on and on
fuck the CD
i’m down for continuous exploitation

what’s new?
- vagina licking dog who doesn’t know where to shit and pee
- realizing that pissing in the shower is ok with my bf (YESSSS)
- being called a fatty by yyx because i said cookies after he showed me a fat emo girl lul pix :(
- universal studios singapore (yeahlol)
- cousin got married to a guy whose shelves are stuffed with soft toys……….. HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. .. are you serious??? lol
- for a while felt like everybody but yyx hates me :(
- after a while realized they can all go fuck themselves, i never needed them before, i dont need them now
- resorting to quick dirty easy ways to get things done cos im sick and tired of having to be the “CAREFUL” one and have all these problems directed to ME.
- realizing my bro’s new gf is totalllly obsessed with him … but i think my bro only is with her cos she looks a little like his ex…
-friend at work dumped her bf and got a new one in the space of 1 week …i was really shocked… guess even people you like are capable of cruel things
- ive grown very self conscious. and lately, because i havent been taking care of my skin, its been looking very uneven x_O….. i need to start washing off properly.
- birth control pills :\
- chatroulette… stickam…. not very new… but still… something to do i guess…
- hit 50 on aion on my cleric
- aion friends fail… i dont like them…
- pinned a photo of super woman to behind my desk… hehe

19
April
[2010]


lazy


wrote a lot but ended up deleting it because i hated how whiny and insignificance my life seemed through my words

20
April
[2010]


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03
May
[2010]


LOL

jermine : hey
jermine : babe
jermine : if we have kids

yyx says: hm?

jermine says: when is the earliest you will send yr kids to school

yyx says: like
yyx says: 7am

jermine says: …
jermine : NO
jermine : LOL
jermine : NO
jermine : I MEAN AGE

24
May
[2010]


e m o f e i

left shitosa about a month ago and have been flying free on the wings of freelancing! first week after i left the job i signed on to 3 projects. A++

this is the life. i wake up whenever i want, sleep whenever i want, and spend my time according to what i see fit.

consequences are quite drastic though. i swear, this has me feeling like my days are passing without demarcation; but wasn’t this the case when i was a good old traditional office worker?

reflections have been few and far in between of late. the pressure of being in that dreadful cubicle drove me to be emo all day, and truth be told, i thought i would outgrow that negativity when i bounced back to being homebound, but there is still that restlessness that makes me question the value of everything that i had concretely thought of as precious.

soooo much unpleasantryyyyy. WHHHHHHHYYYYYY

btw i am sitting at the back of the family van (yes, we got one now.. haha) and typing.. hm… idk, i must be obsessed with being connected to the internet. its most unhealthy.

new obsessions:
- looking good
- looking oung
- indulging in decorative shit, including the ornamentation of ma face and nails and body
- BAGS!!!!
- being young

and callously i shall now mention that my grandma is dying. eh.

yep. life’s been pretty good to me.

26
May
[2010]


major epiphanies

today i had the grand epiphany of realizing that the reason why i hurt the people i love is because people i love hurt me. hurt me like it doesn’t matter what i do or say to them, like all the effort i put towards keeping them happy isn’t good enough and is insignificant. so i hurt them to show them i am capable of causing them pain. i am vehement, vengeance is my middle name, i am so spiteful, it would amaze me if hurt did not render me a person of complete nonchalance.

today i am feeling like no one really loves me, and no one ever really will. not even my mother, who has done nothing but beat the shit out of me since i was a kid, making me wear clothes to cover my wounds so no one would say anything about them, caused the long scar on my arm that i was so shy to show for most of my teenage years, doesn’t respect what i want in life and has always pushed me to things i don’t ever want to do but i do them anyway because i love my family, and then turn around and hit me when i am not happy that i am doing them

i have been characteristically cruel about my paternal grandmother, and in retrospect, she always shielded me from my mother’s beatings. i think i am wrong to think that she was a bad person, because even though i was bad, she never took me for a beating bag, hitting me whenever she was frustrated, beating me harder when i cry, buying more and more things to beat me with whenever i childishly buried them in deep holes i dig in gardens far away. why do i keep make excuses for people i care about, when i know that the only reason why i am soo desperate in asking for their attention is because they don’t really care?

its just a vanity, when someone says they love me, they want to think that its true, but only i know whether it really is. if you love someone will you really create more emotional trauma for him or her when she is already screaming at her own family to leave her be? will you just half listen to stuff that she says? force her to do things she doesn’t want to? doubt her at every turn? wouldn’t someone who loves you know when it is a good time to put your feelings before theirs… especially if it is about something as stupid as a game… i always thought so, and for the longest time, i was like that too, until i got hurt, then i stopped.

and thinking back now, i realized, that this is a core phenomenon in my life. even while my mother beat me to shit, whenever she ran away from home, i was miserable. i cried for her, i looked for her, i longed for her even though i knew, when she saw me, she would not be happy. its the same isn’t it, with me and men? even though they don’t want me, and it hurts to know it, to feel it, i still stay.

i ask myself today, if love is something i have always wanted in my life, is it worth it if it leaves me in tears and makes me feel alone most of my life?

i think maybe i finally have the answer. cos today i realized, not even my own family loves me. i might be better off jumping off this building. and actually, since now i am not even experiencing any hysteria, just this numb all too sadly familiar feeling of being broken, that possibility seems more of a natural conclusion than an emotional one.

29
May
[2010]


chef weiss

go ahead and pretend that doesn’t make you hungry! kk!

10
June
[2010]


heart2heart with my computer. TOPIC: STOP BEING SO FKN EMO


sometimes i just need an escape and it used to be this writing thing. i find solace in words, i like the rhyme and rhythm, the way things sound in my head, even if i don’t know how to pronounce half of them
actualization is difficult for people with short tongues

so epic. last week was insane drawing millions and millions of pixels worth of shit, typesetting stuff repeatedly, missing deadlines, falling so ill that i can’t stay awake for more than 6 hours a day, struggling to stay alive… and on these two days of rest i was still feeling super sick. i slept for the majority of today again. oh my.

my throat aches :O( i keep coughing but there is no runny nose or bad sinus, just terrible cough… im convinced my parents spreaded it to me. my dad at least cos he was coughing for a month straight.

bf said to drink more oJ so i bought 2 cartons of oJ today.
sigh

i dunno why i stopped writing. i think at first it was cos it seemed like i never had anything good to say, then it became something like i never had anything nice to say…slowly, it became that i do not know what to say. what’s there to say, so much so that i yearn for my thoughts to be set free. these days i prefer them to remain caged, so they don’t run amok in my head, terrorizing any sort of pleasantry that i might be so lucky to still have.

me in writing is so different. there’s a bit more rationality to it, and even when i am emotional i am still somewhat logical about how i feel. instead of wanton bewilderment and absconding reason to sit soaked in my own tears, the devil may care attitude only surfaces when i am feeling a need to be empowered. i am COHERENT. i dont need to compose myself in order to be so. in a way i think i might be better off, if i found my way back there. looking at the old blogs do make me feel like a much stronger person than i have been acting of late.

i dont even know if i owe it to myself, to chronicle my life’s happenings, or to simply write emotionally like i am used to. watching people’s lives advance, i am envious, i wish to be one of them, to actually live in bliss of knowing what tomorrow WILL come, and if life has any surprises it is not due to lack of due diligence, but of uncertain circumstance and happenings

i mean, a girl who is 25, for fuck’s sake, shouldn’t she be a lot less prone to emotional outbursts, to stop dramatizing every bit of how she “feels” like the whole world revolves around it?? i should know, there are bigger things, there are bills to pay, children are dying, and the headlines scream of a self imposed Armageddon that mankind has yet to deign critical. oil spills destroying an entire ocean’s ecolife, technological imperialism backfiring in lieu of suicidal workers, starving children and kids with no future because of a lack of education…

and here, i sit indulgent…
i mean
COME THE FUCK ON
WAKEW THE FUCK UP
THERE’S MORE TO LIFE
THAN YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS
JERMINE TAN
GET OUT OF THIS RUT
DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR
IF YOU EVER GET UPSET
SLAP YOURSELF
AND TELL YOURSELF
THAT NOTHING
CAN HAVE CONTROL OVER YOU LIKE THIS
AND IF YOU TRULY WANT TO LIVE
YOU NEED TO STOP LETTING ANYTHING DO THIS TO YOU
INCLUDING YOURSELF.
AND IF ANYONE MAKES YOU FEEL THIS SHITTY
TO FUCKING HELL WITH THEM

yeah.
that ma anthem,
and now i feel much better. :D

21
June
[2010]


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hmm

cant type chinese

25
June
[2010]


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universal studios singapore


i oc’ed my desktop today
WIN
ITS SO MUCH FASTER NOW
its weird!
D:

got to backdate all these amazing fkn photos i have
cos i oc’ed, i can use lightroom!!!!!!
and i got lightroom 3 so its a blast. i am learning new software again!

grandma passed away peacefully on 23/6/2010. it was a long struggle for her to go, and i am glad she is not around to witness the petty quarrels and mindless squabble her sons are still inclined to have. i have not gone down to the funeral place at all, i am feeling some guilt, but to distance myself away from the madness that ensues from it all…. is much better than to play hypocritical pity party. so its alles klar.

yyx got something that made him very happy. :D

12
July
[2010]


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big rant

im hoping this makes me feel better but i am not optimistic.

i am so tired that i cannot see. i am squinting in order to use whatever working vision i have left. its like i have severe astigmatism. my optometrist said that stress amplifies the effect, which would make sense since i am REALLY stressed right now.

my only distraction now comes in the form of the dog who smells like shit. since JJ was snatched back by those cunts, we got a new dog, “wang wang” who cannot even understand when we call her name. i have been trying to train her in between working like a strung out, hormonal psychopath who can’t quite keep her wits about her long enough to make a concentrated prolong layoutting session. must take breaks every hour or i feel stuck. 5 minutes with the dog seems to relax me enough, and i think i taught her how to sit today. but the end result is she doesn’t quite love me as much as she fears me.

everyone is maddeningly indulgent or excessively stupid. but in this sweeping blanket statement of mine, i find it uncomfortable to confess in public, as i don’t even seem to be capable of being dependable. i think its so himiliating that i have been asked to do good by many many people and i don’t feel like i have the skill and talent it takes to be a responsible, disciplined workforce of the general public. i have always thought – DUDE! i do not wanna be ONE OF THE SHEEP… and it just seems like that’s a sad excuse for being UNABLE to be part o the crowd. i just don’t agree. i just dont .. fucking agree with anything that they believe in.

befuddling. thats what this is. in the absence of a office job i have become unproductive and lazier than before. my room is a mess. i let things SIT on the floor. when there is anything on my bed, i just push it off. i don’;t LIKE who i have become, i don’t LIKE being awake at weird hours and doing stuff that no one gets. i don’t LIKE feeling so fat and yet when lunch time  comes i just call for takeout or starve cos i wanna finish some stupid work that some idiot somewhere increased the trouble of production by cutting the timeline way too short. i DON’T LIKE KNOWING THAT I WAS ONE OF THOSE TWATS who kept on procrastinating and made designers UNHAPPY and rushing them. i DON’T LIKE ME

i don’t think i have hated myself more than i do now

every day, instead of finding a reason to live, i just accept that my state is a natural reality of everyone my age. it is to either accept that you must be a corporate dog in order to exist in Singapore, or just to forget about and sit restlessly at home, making an adequate living, through the generousity of my parents who has allowed this 25 (and you really wanna be honest, 26) year old to live like this in the house

this day, this age, this woman, i am today, i am saddened by the lack of DISCIPLINE and shit grasp of REALITY. why do i insist on foolish romantic notions, why can i not accept that what i ask for, what i WANT is TOO MUCH?

or, if thats not the case, if it is not too much, why do i sit in idleness, in ennui, to resign myself to a stagnant life, than to persue it fully?

its just cos im a dumb bitch who should just die.

01
August
[2010]


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miss wang gets her first haircut


wang wang turned 3 months old in august; its been a month since we got her and she is still stubborn as fuck -_-. doesn’t listen, likes to take a shit all over the place, pees whenever she is out of the pen, cries when she is left alone, bites everything (including my hair!) …

but for all her mischief, the household is brighter when she is around. tremendously cheery, rowdy – its like we got a baby sister! i can’t help but think sometimes that if someone else had bought her, she would have been returned or abandoned for sure – her temperament is too displeasing for a pet! as it is, though, she & us = ♥.

she’s my newest model and cutest model though, i have hundreds of photos with her!

08
August
[2010]


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09
August
[2010]


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falling in love with iphone.. once more

on sunday, i figured out something epic: you can jailbreak your iphone through the BROWSER!

while this is probably old news to most people, this was a complete surprise to me. the last, first and only time i had jailbroken any of my iDevices was a bit of a hassle, witn ipwnage tool and redsnow being difficult with me. and when it was done, i awaited eagerly to experience my ipod the way all the cool kids did…only to be bewildered by how SLOW it was.

so i gave up, went back to stock iOS, and never looked back.

but on the fateful sunday night, when my iphone bricked itself (fucking itunes), my eminent discovery of jailbreakme.com came into powerful play.

not only did i upgrade my phone smoothly to iOS4, i also managed to jailbreak my phone in under 3 minutes, i also spent an entire day filling it up with apps that i would have never bought without trying first through installous (some of which i did purchase from the store legally because they were just too well done) and am now obsessed with mobile gaming.

i am soooo in love with my iphone now, with its epic tweaks that i do not care that it is slower (probably because of iOS4). JUST LOOK AT IT:

Picnic theme from 2008 - bigboss repo - winterboard theme

IS IT NOT SO FUCKING CUTE. i cannot stop touching the damn phone now. i am so enamoured, that i even made a phone dock for it:

F for fail

which, of course, was promptly replaced by a paper dock which looks wayyyy cooler and sleeker:

paper dock

to be honest, after spending this much time flourishing my iphone and being throughly excited with how it is right now, i am not craving for the iphone 4 so much any more. instead, i want an iPad. SOO BADLY. so i can do all this all over again with a bigger, better interface! at this point, i don’t really care that if i get an iPad i would need to carry the phone, laptop and ipad around with me.. i just want one to hack and play with XD

11
August
[2010]


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starcraft, sotis & sci-fi

my love for sci-fi has been duly rewarded and indulged in of late: with the new starcraft out, nobody cares about aion anymore (plus with the shitty management they have going on there and the continuous show of befuddling incompetence, its a wonder if they don’t lose half their player base after July), and the funniest thing is, while i have been logging on to starcraft2′s bnet, i haven’t really been playing starcraft. i have been playing SOTIS – Storm of the Imperial Sanctum:

wasn’t ever really a big fan of dota but i am totally addictd to SOTIS >_> it must be the sci-fi theme, which i am a sucker for. i can’t count the number of times i have watched a movie just because it fell into the “sci-fi” genre – i am always desperate for some uber epic sci-fi drama!

Splice

which is why, when i saw that Splice was out on DVD, i immediately asked yyx to watch it with me – even though it was categorized under “horror” as well (I AM SCARED OF HORROR MOVIES).

yyx put it well – turns out it was more creepy than horror, though. reallllllllly creepy, sickening (but not as entirely tasteless as the human centipede) and definitely worth the time. and i am really surprised that the spliced creature, Dren, looks so different from the real actress

(i also just caught inception on sunday with R, but since we missed the first hour, and got confused to bits, i still really want to watch it again!)

new blog skin!

haven’t watched a movie with yyx in a while so i am really grateful for the 1.5 hrs i got with him today. we were going to fall asleep together but i had a pounding migraine, and despite trying to fall asleep for close to 2 hours, i could not. giving up, i came on to the PC and did some epic reskining to my evergreen basic wordpress theme and came up with this yummy layout. and now i am on a uber blog kick – i realized i didn’t post so much because i was really unsatisfied with the way my blog looked, but was too lazy and fidgety to recode everything since the structure here is really sound and fits most of my needs (2 years and counting says something). so, borrowing one of my newer ideas’ graphical elements, i reworked the base and now, i have to say, this is my FAVOURITE iteration of my blog. love it to bits!!!

i think i am going to do some retro blogposts, so i can kinda fill in the spots where i have slacked off. there’s a lot of stuff to post, and if nothing, i really could just post pix. :O)

i am really tired now though. musttt sleeeeeeeep.

12
August
[2010]


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pissed off

some people just never learn their lesson. i have only told him a million times before again and again i don’t like to feel like a burden on anybody, and still he comes up with creative phrases like “i can’t always babysit you” or just blame mememe when things dont go his way….FUCK YOU

im now at the point of emotional peak where i could either burst into tears or tear the skin right off him out of anger, whatever did i do to deserve this kind of abuse is unknown to me. i thought i was a catch? do people shit on their catches and make them feel like crap all day long?

i am so stupid. every time he says he will change, he will do something different, he never does. and i thought of all the people i might love he would be the one who is different, who will pass his own judgment. what is that, that we should always judge people by their ACTIONS and not their words? then how do i judge your ACTIONS, how do i judge how YOU ACT? how many more sorry’s do you think i am going to take?

how many more times can i slap myself mentally and call my suspicions paranoia, quell my own fears my own way, pick myself up when you throw me down, stop myself from crying when i want to, look up when i’m about to drown?

we’ll find out soon enough.

17
August
[2010]


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19
August
[2010]


the shape of comfort

i barely know how to begin.

gummy playing on my desktop and i feel okay, i guess. i am sad, there are tears, but there are really very few words. there is so little need to articulate how i feel any more. it comes, and sometimes, it won’t go away, but i am mostly able to ignore it, put on a fake smile, repress any sort of unhappiness, and be reasonably neutral.

yesterday he mentioned that me calling him multiple times in the morning to wake him up, being worried and at my wits’ end for 2 and a half hours is very “wife-like” and deserves a reward.

i don’t want his rewards. i don’t want objects of affections to be rewards for “not failing”. its all natural. the worrying, the missing, the way i feel when i think about his face as he sleeps serenely.

the palpitations that come from loving him.

i just want them back in return.

i know him well, i know this. yesterday i had a long conversation with cirque about the circumstances of being here, being his. what he is, who he is, why he does the things he does. it surprised me but i described him, his attitude and his life effortlessly. and i resign to knowing that, as much as some of what and who he is upsets me, i can’t ask him to change. he has to recognize himself, that those things make me sad, and then realize, that if he does love me, he will change. he will look and find himself needing to.

and until then, any requests that come from my mouth are pointless and bound to be disappointed… but that’s okay. because  i feel so lethargic, that being angry and upset, they need to be foreign feelings to my entity. they need to go away. so rather than asking, expecting, i have chosen to keep silent

right now, i just miss him. i miss feeling like i have him. and i can’t describe what made me feel this way, i just know that more often than not now, i don’t feel that way any more. and its painful, but i am using all the patience that i have in my blood, to wait for him to be mine again. to fall asleep with him and feel complete.

to see that the shape of comfort is us. just once more. that’s all i want. because he means so much to me, he made my life go from horrible to pleasant, and in the aftermath of my last heart-broken state, and in view of every one else i have ever claimed to love, i have not wanted a person like i want him and i want, just want this, just want it even if it is for the last time in me and him, to see the shape of comfort is us – is him – JUST ONCE MORE. so i can keep it as a precious memory, to my grave, and knowif nothing else, at least we were together and once upon a time, i found somebody who completed me. to see me and know that i am everything he needs, as i see him and know that he is everything i want and need.

i know he can because he has before.

and i am waiting for him to do it… just once more.

21
August
[2010]


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22
August
[2010]


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FUCK U AND FUCK HER TOO

24
August
[2010]


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room & life changes


i’ve struggled for a really long time to make this post; not quite sure why since this is pretty much a huge defining moment in 2010 for me – CLEANING UP MY WARDROBE!!!

i know it sounds stupid, and i understand how this can be seen as ditzy, but after living for so long i realized something totally fundamental about my life: the state of my mind is the state of my room. the clutter, disorganization, infinite storage problems, frequent displacement of things – an inability to locate my stuff, leading me to buy moar shit, and finding myself running out of space to keep them in – that’s how it has always been.

and when my room becomes the battlefield of my wordly possessions, i start to lose my ground and question myself. what’s wrong with me? how is it that this tiny room of mine can spiral into such insane chaos – how can i expect myself to take charge and keep order in my life, if i cannot even reign over and keep order in this small space of mine?!

after all, my room is my sacred place. it is where i finally found privacy, having spent 12 years with all the other 5 members of my atomic family in a room at the old house, getting my own bed and my own room was the best part of my childhood. this is where i learnt a many great things, mugged over countless advanced level classes, wrote a gazillion words worth of essays, cried over broken hearts, laughed with friends, got drunk, got angry, got happy – it is where i grew up, and grew into who i am today.

which is why, it has always been so therapeutic to clean it. but try as i might, cleaning it is an infinitely easier task than keeping it clean. it is truly my personal struggle. & since half of my room IS made up of my fucking clothes, the problem ultimately was my ever expanding, perpetually disappointing wardrobe.

about 3 weeks ago, i made the decision to take control of the situation and cure this problem ONCE AND FOR ALL. it took me about 3 days, as i sat amidst my jeans & cardigans & t-shirts & dresses & blouses & skirts – and it still goes on today, but it HAS BEGUN. i threw away over half of my shit, 3/4 of my clothes, and i stacked everything worth keeping into places where i always know to look into. what’s important about all this is is how MUCH JOY it has brought to my life. i am at peace. i am happy! i know where everything is, and i find keeping it this way incredibly easy.

having reduced my wardrobe to its current size, i am eager to keep it as organized as it and i am finding this completely effortless. gone are the days when i come home and throw my clothes into a laundry basket that might as well be a bottomless pit, since clothes that go in there become forgotten & never worn again. gone are the days where i panic & look everywhere for stuff i wanna wear, only to give up, getting frustrated as i ran out of time, and i ended up in the same shit that i always wear. gone are the times when i dreaded being asked out because of all the scavenging  i would need to do in order to be ready!!

now its as easy as opening up my wardrobe, looking at my shelves, and being totally aware of what i do and do not have.

its sooooooo fucking awesome. and i am so proud of myself for getting here in the first place. i make my bed every day now, i lay in bed and look around and am astounded – so this is where i live. and i love it. and i want it to ALWAYS be like this.

because, in the past, when you walk in here, and you see nothing but disorder &  disaster, that’s who you saw me as – this crazy mess who had no control over her life – and that’s not who i wanna be. THIS here today, my room here today, is who i am – no disarray, no eyesore, fright, or monstrosity of disorganization – just this eclectic mix of things that are contradictory, amusing and me.

and i always wanna be this way.

okay and now here is a stupid ass video about my wardrobe.i mostly made it because i haven’t made a video before on my mac and i wanted to try it. :p

29
August
[2010]


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epic awesome room

my to do for this week:

- leave feedback for super nice sellers

- review of online shopping blog post

- certificate design

- invoice for last job

- commence new job (to call client by weds >_>)

- restock my cotton pads because i actually used 3 boxes in 3 months..hmm.. but its so good!!!!!

- fill up my prescriptions >_>

01
September
[2010]


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ahh! blog? what!!!


vomit. wrote half a blog post but lost it cos of genius fail internet. i am really frustrated with the home network, i can’t tell if it is my adsl modem which is dying or the router, and since i am equally fond of both so i don’t know which one to replace first, or even to get back the same models.

the symptoms are quite clear cut – it is clearly a hardware problem – the network gets too congested, probably from the countless p2p requests from the video streaming programmes my mother and sisters like to run.

i am trying to promote more use of the internet as entertainment center in the house, so i am really hoping to fix the issue altogether.

there’s some budgetary issues at hand tho. i did pay for both pieces of hardware about 4 years ago, and i was extremely pleased with the amount i spent (about $300+) – but this time around,  i definitely can’t afford to put down that money. i also don’t want to. i can’t always pay for everything that the house needs that is I.T related, especially since no one else takes responsibility for downtime on anything. there’ve been days where i am not around, and they don’t even hard reset the router when the connection is down.

the ridiculous thing is my sister and brother both took networking classes at school. i learnt what i know from googling.

anyway this weekend was just plain horrible. yyx had some horrible news which completely changed his life (and to me, our lives). essentially, so bad, that it defined anxiety in my life. worse than feeling bankrupt, actually almost going close to being bankrupt, missing multiple deadlines during my last semester, getting a gpa so bad that i had to have multiple A’s to salvage it – the stress and emotional feedback i felt, just to be in that position – i never want to be in again.

its so surreal. one moment i felt like i could never be the same again, and the next, i was given a whole new fucking lease of life. and it wasn’t even really a problem for me per se.

this weekend i realized that i care really deeply about him. i felt responsible for his problems, and i went to a whole new level of self-blame, even going as far as to believing i am a jinx; at the same time i am disappointed that he thinks my life and his are 2 seperate entities – as far as i am concerned, in a relationship, if nothing else, you share your lives. you care for each other, you take each other through your troubles and joys – you make a life together.

enough about the emo stuff tho. everything else since yesterday has been wonderful, i had an awesome day with miss wang, my sister & mom, ate curry baked rice & realized that cheese pizza is made out of pure fat?? watched parts of ye wen 2 with my mom and discussed the movie, taught my mom how to spell AUDIENCE like 5 times & uh yeah.

01
September
[2010]


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02
September
[2010]


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21 Comments »


tokidoki desktop wallpaper

hello! do you like my wallpaper? if so, you might wanna take a look at my wallpaper tag for more cute wallpaper ^o^ thanks for visiting and enjoy!


07
September
[2010]


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2 Comments »


[review] chanel earrings & charm

If you are looking for chanel earring replicas, look no further. really cute, high quality and for less than a dollar too!

08
September
[2010]


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1 Comment »


tokidoki means sometimes


tokidoki means sometimes

you can ask for the stupidest things on earth and if your boyfriend is as earnestly yours in the way that mine is earnestly mine, you will get it.

about 3 months ago, i asked for a simple (but, in my books, slightly exorbitant) gift from my boyfriend – something that didn’t involve lingerie, wouldn’t be a carnally pleasurable item and could only bring me, and not him, irrational joy – just to see if he could do something completely selfless for me.

being aware that my boyfriend is not good at picking out presents, i told him exactly what i wanted: the sephora tokidoki pittura brush set.

he balked a little and agreed to getting them for me after a particularly fun afternoon together. he thought it would be easy –  all he had to do was go online and buy the damn thing (i even linked it to him in my facebook) from the website and it would be over.

but little did he know… it wasn’t going to be THAT easy as sephora.com doesn’t ship internationally!

baffled, he asked, “what can i do!” and as he pondered the question while i sulked and nagged him for weeks afterwards, he finally realized that there was only one way – he had to GO to sephora.

lets not forget, sephora is a painful place for men. it is a heady glitter infested pink festival that women delight in being. its heaven for so many of us, who appreciate the finer (and ridiculously expensive) tools to alter our appearances – be it to pamper ourselves, or to appear more attractive to the opposite sex. it makes no sense to men, because men like to think that they like women as  they are, and make up often falls into the category of “too much” than “not enough”. (little do they know that the ultimate goal of every woman is to appear as if they are not wearing makeup while wearing some, thus looking more attractive to men, and sephora is where it all begins)

so, i had quite given up on the idea of him doing such a thing for me. needless to say, my confidence in him sunk to an all-time low and i had to look elsewhere in our relationship for reassurances that this was just a minor problem stemming from inconvenience

soon, i had forgotten about it.. sure, i trolled him about it from time to time, but i never was too malicious. it just irked me that i had nary a token of love from him that wasn’t perishable.

(though if  you ask me today, that laugh and face of his is and always will be the most imperishable thing to exist in my head and heart)

about 2 weeks ago, he went home to america and in the land of the free, found the courage to step into a sephora, for me, then mailed the damn thing to singapore with a hefty postage just so i could be happy.

the deepest meaning of love is, here, where he knew, he could be embarrassed, be a fish out of water, an animal out of place, a bull in a friggin’ china shop, to visit some place like that, alone. he did it for me – ; and on that day that he did, while we discussed it, and laughed about it afterwards – there i found a memory that i will always cherish.

you see, some people think that you must conquer countries, move mountains, accomplish great things in order to prove you love somebody. the truth is, it is in your every day. it is your every word. whatever it may be, however slight, there is where you will find the deepest meaning of who he or she is to you.

that day that my boyfriend went to sephora, i found out who i am to him and who he is to me. that day i rejoiced. it took a year, but i have gone full circle to know how genuine he was about me.

sometimes, he isn’t very good at expressing how he feels about us, but whenever i look upon these atrocious brushes, i will always remember.

not sometimes, but always.

thank you my light, without whom, i might not have known laughter and joy in such simple things again. i am a lucky girl to be your weissy.

08
September
[2010]


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09
September
[2010]



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aosept contact lens cleaning

asian girls are mad about these damn things known as circle lenses that make your eyes look bigger, pupils uber dilated and add all sorts of crazy colours to their eyes. being part of the horde i had no choice to conform to this maddening vanity and thus own a few pairs.

these lenses are purported to last to up a year, which is a statement that will make any opto, or even doctor for that matter, freak out. i once went to see a doctor due to a nasty eye infection from one of these, and she demanded i destroy my lenses and any thoughts about keeping them for a year

but because changing them on a monthly basis is kinda epic in terms of cost, i jumped when i saw this:


aosept cleaning!


it comes with a highly futuristic looking thing to keep your contact lenses in.
soak it in the indicated solution… and watch~


BUBBLES!!! the solution reactions with oxygen to create tiny little bubbles.
when you see it boiling away, it means that aosept is doing its job!

after 6 hours they are completely clean and ready to wear. now that’s way cool, and absolutely effective. i used to worry because mascara flecks drop into the contacts and saline solution, even the anti fungal ones, seem to be an inept way to clean them. now with this, i really don’t need to worry anymore ^____^

i tried on my lenses after the first session and was amazed at how comfortable and new they feel!!

13
September
[2010]



1 Comment »


LONG long long blog post

oh~ how horrible. i have fallen victim to kdrama fever and have spent the last 2 days watching my girlfriend is a gumiho!

it’s a story about a guy who unintentionally sets free a trapped 9-tailed fox spirit from her curse of being trapped in a portrait, then depends on her source of magic to stay alive. of course its a rom com so there is a lot of epic misunderstandings and lovelorn scenes, but the humor is ace!

the lead actress is just way too adorable. her character is a naive fox-spirit whose greatest dream is to become a real girl. however, she who doesn’t understand that people are more likely bad than good and thus gets into loads of trouble. even the lead actor, whom her character is in love with, did not deserve her affection. i really hated that guy from the start but i hope the ending is a happy couple made out of him and her.

i thought the screen writing was really well done; they managed to weave in generic cinderella and romantic rival scenes in a way that really compliment the main plot!

the drama is at ep 10 on funshion and mysoju and as it is currently airing on korean TV, we will have 6 more episodes before finding out how the story ends. especially after that MAJOR CLIFFHANGER on episode 10!!! FUCK!!.

its so nice that YYX is really into it too! i showed him mysoju.com and he’s currently catching up reverently. he’s so going to hate the cliffhanger.

interlag

other than that i have been mostly unbothered by drama and blahblah. was frustrated as hell with the internet situation. even after buying the almighty asus rtn 16, there has still been so many problems.


damn router… even with its purported awesome hardware still experiencing drops, lags, etc.

on sat dad wanted to watch one out of the 8 epl play offs and cos of the damn shitty firmware that came with the router, sopcast could not work…i tinkered with settings for over an hour before finally pulling out the old router and immediately, sopcast streamed the football match live and in HD.

after that, the family decided to go out for dinner, and i took the opportunity to reconfig the router by flashing dd-wrt onto the router instead, replacing the original crappy, broken-english firmware of the router.


free and opensource router firmware

the controls on the new firmware is quite extensive; i got to change the no. of connections permitted + tcp udp timeouts. while those changes made my net really efficient last night, when the household woke up all hell broke loose again. slow downloads on my mom’s laptop, constant drop outs on mine. granted, i am using funshion, which is a p2p btstream software and tells very little about my uplink info (a problem that plagues all ADSL users when it comes to p2p), which is probably the reason why this is happening, i am still very annoyed that the 4am success story of a smooth wireless network didn’t repeat itself today.

i was going to make a last ditch effort and replace my adsl2+ modem which could be the reason why the speed is such a problem, but when i went to the mall, both of the electronic stores didn’t carry any ADSL modems. they all sold modem routers, which i didn’t want; the salesman advised me to get the router modems and told me the chances of me getting a standalone adsl2+ modem were very low. i scoffed and left. why do i want to bother with a piece of hardware that can potentially add another layer of crap routing to my already problematic network! besides, i know where to get them, just wanted to get them in a convenient way.

but i guess there’s no choice. when i do feel like it i will make a trip down to challenger or funan… bla.

drugstore haul :(

with that kind of disappointment in the tech part of my life, i kinda overcompensated myself. for a while now i thought i should start taking care of myself again – especially my skin and hair – which means conditioners, better shampoo and facial crap like moisturizer and toner. so i shelved out about 70 bucks to buy a buncha necessary shit plus a frivolous heart-shaped make-up sponge-


left to right: freshkon antibacterial saline solution, TOFU love sponge (TOO CUTE), herbal essences break’s over anti breakage shampoo x2, conditioner x1, hello hydration conditioner x1, arbutin whitening lotion (moisturizer), clean & clear oil-controlling toner (holygrail), st ives bright skin apricot scrub

the damage to my wallet is ok i guess, considering how badly i need this. my hair is uber damaged, lately, i have not conditioned it because everytime i buy conditioner it either runs out so quickly from the 3 other wimmenz in the house, or the shit breaks ‘cos it falls onto the floor since there is barely any shelf space in the bathroom. i end up using shampoo that isn’t suitable for my hair, and condition only when i absolutely have to.

since i got the clairol herbal essences dangerously straight leave-in straightener, i have been in love with the scent. so since the drugstore i went to today had a 2 for $11 sale, i kinda went a little overboard and bought 4. oops.

ah well, it was worth it. i need anti-breakage hair products so badly, my hair is too fine and breaks all day long. there is hair all over my room and it isn’t hairfall, its BROKEN hair, from when i comb it.i don’t know how it is that i still have hair, considering how everytime i comb it a shit ton of hair breaks and falls out.

i really like the herbal essences rebranding though. very hip and almost kiddish, but still really FUN. the website looks good too!

hello kitty >_<

i am not a good person. i know i need to preserve funds but i keep buying nonsense. i had my slight hello kitty kick last week and got a hello kitty USB key :\ but it is so cute!


HELLO KITTY USB THUMB DRIVE! 4GB. suuperrrr kawaiii~~~

i really only have one justification for this: since the new router supports usb drives, my 8 gb keyring has to go onto the router for remote drive purposes. so i need a new one to replace that :p

my macbook’s new bed

i’ll end this post with definitive proof that i am a horrible person :( my mac book has found a new bed for itself underneath my desk :\

on a box with wheels, is a bunch of T-shirts from work & other “memorable” events >_<

while watching k-drama i have found a need to put my drinks on the table next to my bed, which is where the macbook normally resides. but to make sure the drinks don’t mess with the laptop, i put it down there instead… i quite like it, it might be better being there, but still, what a shabby way to treat my lovely apple. :( i deserve to die for this. :X

13
September
[2010]



1 Comment »


om nom nom at old airport road


should have blogged about this a while ago but i didnt’ cos i am lazy and any posts that require mucho pixx0rs take forever to do due to fail blogging skills. thats why there usually is only 1 photo, or some halfassed gallery!

but recently been looking at the blogs i do enjoy reading like sheylara.com, and realizing that i like them so much cos of the interesting content. interesting content is just not infinite text wall, its also to create ultimate photo balls! therefore, i wrote a small little script to put some shortcode into a caption, styled them and now we’re all set to put a bajillion photos on here!

old airport road is super duper important in singapore. its one of the food heritage centers, with some really delicious hawker food stalls. i first went there about 10 years ago and its kinda amazing how the food is still freaking wicked.

a couple of weeks ago, the family (sans dad, who was having a meeting with his temple) went down there for dinner. there was a horrible traffic jam on our way there, so when we finally reached the center we were crazy famished. in the subsequent 2 hours or so, was like the best dinner i have ever had with my family. we pretty much ate the place out. there was very little we didn’t order!

we jumped right into it with the best fried oysters ever. crispy eggs, sour chili, fried oysters = heavenheavenheaven <3<3<3 :D we ate that dish in a matter of seconds!


fried oyster eggs

then, char-grilled chicken wings with lime and another sour chili sauce. SO GOOD. licked our fingers cleaned~!


famed charcoal grilled wings

a 5-person portion of char kuay teow, singaporean-style fried noodles with dark soya sauce & fish sauce. mom joked that the hawker in charge seemed quite lost as to how fry it due to the unusual request to “upsize” the dish to feed 5 of us! it was really good, moist and not too oily. but weird because it had.. prawns? in it? :roll: i cleared my plate of it of the prawns, don’t like them on these noodles…

no prawns in MY char kway teow~~

we also ordered chili sting ray (bbq’ed), sea calms & more oysters, porridge, fishballs (teochew and cantonese style, one each!), thai green curry (bro’s obsessed about thai culture due to his thai girlfriend, but that dish was deemed a failure by all of us), hokkien mee and loads more. but i kinda ran out of steam with the camera and just ate. so ah ha there!

eating the zerg

one of those things that my family likes but i don’t is called “lala”. its a shellfish that is steamed, poached or stir-fried and served with balachan (fermented chili). when done with very fresh lala, the dish is supposedly really good. but it is HIDEOUS!

it is served with a deceivingly simple appearance:

gross

the way you eat this $#@#! is by pushing in a tooth pick and pulling the flesh of the shellfish out. and that’s when the true horror appears:


HOLY SHIT

ITS A ZERGLING. LOOK AT THAT FUCKING THING!!!

even in my slightly adventurous mood i dare not eat that thing. i don’t wanna be infected…. :cry:

sugar cane drinks

one of the best ways to enjoy a good long eating session at singaporean hawker centres is to pair it off with delicious local drinks. my family’s prefered drink is the sugar cane juice drink, which often has a compromised quality due to the dishonest practices of hawkers. to get the juice out of sugarcane, you must completely flatten & roll out a cane, which is a lot of work.

most hawkers cheat by adding syrup to the drink and diluting it, thus having a greater quantity of the juice to sell. they often advertise their drinks with a “pure sugar cane” sign, but of course, if you have drunk as many authentic sugar canes (we grew up drinking great sugar cane juice at hougang st 21, 100% PURE juice – they juice it right in front of you!) as we have, you could be able to tell if they were lying immediately.

so we sat in front of a stall that was selling sugar cane drinks, which also advertised itself with the aforementioned sign. the stall owner was just standing there; business was brisk all around but his stall was just quiet. and as the night went on, we ordered COUNTLESS sugarcane drinks, but none from him! we were embarrassed about this throughout, but we just didn’t have any confidence in his skills.

however, as we finished up the rest of the food, we noticed his epic tagline…:

Bean Flower Water: FOR PEOPLE WITH TASTE!

it seemed like a dig on our lack of taste in general, and feeling a justified amount of indignation, we decided to give his drink a try.

& it was like……the best one ever. it beats the hougang st 21 sugarcane stall by a mile and was PURE HEAVEN~

mabel loved it!!

so i guess we were totally wrong and humiliated… but who’s to say that he didn’t deliberately give us AWESOME juice to make us regret not ordering from him in the first place! :$:

15
September
[2010]


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at last!!


was lying in bed watching Drop Dead Diva when yyx told me that HE got promoted from PLATINUM TO DIAMOND:D this made me happy. but a little bit disappointed that after being r1 for so fucking long i was still bronze :mrgreen:

plus been getting a lotta hard matchups recently but i kinda didn’t wanna play cos i had other things to do and didn’t want to face the demoralizing problem of losing :o

so imagine my HAPPINESS~ when i found myself promoted after losing 2 matches and winning 1! and the funniest thing is, i am rank 12 in my division. YAY ME!!!!!!

i intend to turn gold soon. :D must must must turn gold soon :D

18
September
[2010]



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product photography (plus my 99 cent problem)

image

im inclined to think that every urban dweller has been poisoned by materialism to some degree, and this is my inane confession.

my recent problem has been the growing of an addictive habit: spending 99cents on ebay so i can open the mail every day to the suffering of  disappointment and elation each mail opening gives.

i actually think this type of retail therapy is much more effective in the long run; the thrill of hunting for something interesting & low priced keeps the spree & hauls away. in fact, since i’ve begun doing this, i have kinda stopped buying shit ton of stuff!…for myself, at least.

the goal is to get a 99 cent item, but in truth, i often go over. last few times i have spent $3, or so, and as long as its free shipping, its actually quite alright! beats going to mac and end up burning a huge pocket with a 99$ brush right?

product photography

now, if you have a camera & you tend to buy pretty things, the natural thing to do is to take PHOTOS of them!

it’s actually a very valid discipline in photography; known as product photography, it requires you to have solid primary photographic principles like balancing of shadows, highlights, composition & aesthetic treatment. the core challenge, however, is to style the subject, display them in their best light and create a commercial value to it.

since i have gotten so many little trinkets, i have developed somewhat of an eye to do this.. and i am kinda addicted. think this is a bigger problem than buying crap… XD

image

snowflake and pearl earrings from korea

image

hello kitty ring

i wish i could do this irl for a living… that would be cool :XO:

18
September
[2010]



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me & my flowers

DSC_1105

about a month ago, mom made me throw away my first bouquet from yyx and it made me tremedously upset. said it made my room stink, which is totally untrue, but even if it were, i am not sure why she gives a crap since its MY room. i did dispose of the poor dried bouquet though – even if i hate to admit it, i live under her roof and thereafter, her rules. and as i am an adult, i will honour my responsibilities & obligations to her.

the thing about those flowers is they are signifiers of a better time between him and me, when we had good communication, secrets weren’t afoot, trust was a given, intimacy was natural & the rough times were opportunities for bonding instead of events where we grew apart. so throwing them away, was like punching a hole in my heart, asking me to give up on things that meant so much to me.

mom told me, that part of my problem is, i hold on to things for too long, too much – and the flowers were a literal manifestation of that problem.

i disagree. i think that i love things because they need to be loved, i want to keep things because otherwise there is too little meaning in them.

i told yyx how it made me feel, when mom made me throw away the flowers. but i guess i didn’t really convey the kind of depth it had, in meaning, because at that time, i was finding it harder & harder to get through to him.

asking for presents from the boyfriend, is a growth of self. you see, i have always had problem asking for anything in life. when i was little, i would have problems getting off a bus because i didn’t know how to ask someone to make way for me. i would rather suffer a stuffy cab than to ask the driver to roll down the windows, talk to someone with bad breath with my breath held than to walk away from them – and so on.

but recently i have been asking for presents from yyx. things like flowers, sometimes lingerie, and that tokidoki thing – on the surface, it looks like i am becoming progressively more materialistic – but really, its more than that. i think, i have grown to a comfort level, where i can whine and gripe and be somewhat shameless – and now, asking for things. that’s something i have never done with anyone else in my entire life.

i had never gotten that comfortable before. and now i have. and i am thankful that its with him.

so now he knows, i like mango bubble tea and knick knacks that are cute and flowers ALWAYS make me smile. and while my favourite colour is green, i’ve been on a pink kick of late. i am not afraid to be frivolous and shallow, admit that i like shiny things, and not have to pander to any image of me that is just too dignified. i can be, unapologetically, me, and i think, i really really think, he gets it

anyway, back to the title photo of this post – since i’m kinda on my period, my mood has been sour and unpredictable. to cheer me up, baby got me some flowers out of the blue, and i was really, really smiley when i got them. ESPECIALLY because they are PINK & ORANGE, just like my recently dressed blog! i thought it was such a nice coincidence if nothing else. :XO:

he really does care about me. i need to remember that, and not jump to so many conclusions, and i do try, but sometimes it gets hard, because i am, after all, only a girl, and only want to be, the centre of his universe, heart and head, but of course, that is incredibly preposterous. if you want to get down to it, for someone who has a life & things to do in it, we’re as good as it gets. he cares. he cares & i care too.

and just for the record, things between us are great now. :)

20
September
[2010]



1 Comment »


out of the system

image

i don’t want to whine and talk shit about people who i supposedly love and will love me back unconditionally so instead let me TRY to be constructive.

here are things i want to change & what i can do to make them happen:

  1. i want to be more responsible for myself
    • i will stop spending money on the unnecessary immediately
    • i will keep a PAPER budget of expenditure on a weekly basis.
  2. i want to be less responsible for others
    • i will ask for help when i have problems instead of imploding when i no longer have solutions
  3. i want to be less selfish
    • i will clean the dishes, all of them, every day, at 6pm from now on
    • i will think less of money as “mine
  4. i want to be more responsible for my appearance
    • i will tone & moisturize every day
    • i will wash condition hair every 3 days
    • i will exercise… once a week… for 30 minutes
  5. i want to be more mature about my relationship
    • i will try to think less of other women as competition
    • i will communicate to my boyfriend my problems rather than be passive aggressive
  6. i want to be more responsible for my LIFE
    • i will make my bed EVERY DAY even if i wake up at 6pm.

thats alot of shit to do to be honest but this is a small start. i will try try try and maybe i will stop being unhappy because of other people and be happy being myself.

21
September
[2010]


where do i begin

stressed. depressed. like emo to the max.

its that time of th emonth again and no… not the period.

im lacking serious cash, my last pay check is not coming in any time soon, and the last pay check i was suppose to get is being chewed to bits by a rogue client.

so i have to start looking for a job again. i registered on a job website yesterday in a slight panic and i have gotten a few requests to view resume.

unfortunately i am not ready for that.

i still don’t know what i want to do.

my last job was an interesting combination of learning new things and using my existing knowledge. but it didn’t turn out like i hoped it would be.

and i think i need to consider my career options more carefully before i take the leap again.

i hated my last job for many reasons:

  • management red tape
  • job scope too heavy for me
  • could not do job well without sacrificing all personal time
  • asked to work on personal time without compensation, long work hours even though office hours are slated to be normal 9 – 6.30pm
  • often expected to/have to work weekends, holidays (new year’s eve…wtf)
  • bad mentor
  • expensive and hard to travel to, bad traffic, hard to get off island during night time
  • pay too low, too much work for my pay grade
  • shitty resources, especially in I.T., often have to resort to own resource in order to get work done. for example, community colour printer is hard to access but important to have and use, time wasting to use, community scanner is at odd location, requisition of tools required too much time.

i liked it because:

  • nice work environment & colleagues
  • pay on time…lol

i did marketing and interactive media but most of the time i was just managing opinions, like how to convey something to an agency, and i had very little control over what should be done based on unrealistic budgets. for instance, making a whole international campaign, and then assigning very small budget to the mechanism itself, to sustain the campaign…

i was not good at my job. communication with the agencies was horrible, i was very careless and i often treaded on toes of others. i am a brusque person, i got too comfortable with people who appeared friendly but in reality was not, and offended one person who made me feel very humiliated. when i was about to leave i also got very mouthy and told a lot of people i shouldn’t have that i was leaving

i left with a few grudges, especially against my department. i felt like my job title was not descriptive of my work load, and i felt so over worked all the time. i took sick leave, stayed at home and work, just so i could use a computer that didn’t suck dick.

the policies of the company were so tiring, and my tasks were never clear to me. eventually, i slacked off, ignoring most requests my manager made of me, delaying my working again and again because i realized it was that, or i just have to work sat and sun to finish the work.

i vetted a lot of art work, but at the end of the day it was what my manager says that counts. my opinion mattered very little, no matter how hard i tried to justify it. i felt very boxed in, i did not appreciate the kind of quality of work the company was producing in terms of media, and the advertising was always so complicated.  i received mixed directions from different people, when problems occurred my reputation for being careless made them automatically my fault. while i was in the branding department i was actually doing a good portion of communications, which was fine but made me confused.

in addition, while i went in hoping to improve things at my old company, i found the foundation and infrastructure of the IT environment so poorly done that it was impossible to do anything from within marketing. IT department was pure desktop support and did not help with the situation. anything that needed to be done had to be discussed on the radar, filed in black – they were so overworked too that they just did not have the energy to help with things that would actually benefit the company.

my ideal job would be:

  • 5 days work week, period.
  • job scope is specialized.
  • location is near train station.
  • IT resources are reasonable and as per needed by job.
  • able to feedback to management and see effect directly.
  • min. 30k/yr
  • opportunities for career advancement is laid out during initial contract.
  • OT or cab claim.

i really don’t know if i want to continue in marketing, creative and web media. i know i am good at those things, but my last job at that company has really destroyed my confidence. my friend told me i have so much raw talent that it doesn’t make any sense for me to be unsuccessful. but i recognize there are some innate problems with my personality which i have to be accountable for.

skills i have picked up from my last job:

  • writing creative briefs
  • project management
  • community management
  • events organization
  • branding

so i guess i can capitalize on those things…

ahhh what to dooooooo

25
September
[2010]


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shoe sex

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yyx loves it when im in heels but to be honest im not much of a heels girl. i only whip them out for when i want to feel good about myself, or when i am at work and i need to trample my peers’ confidence with the intense clicking of the heels as i march across wooden floors to intimidate them with my awesome presentations

plus, heels that are pretty tend to be EXPENSIVE!

so~ when i discovered lovelyshoes.net, i kinda went gaga. not only do they have an incredible selection of shoes, they also are priced reasonably…or so it seems. to be honest, when you factor in shipping and the dishonest calculated shipping price, the shoes end up pretty expensive. i got 2 pairs of stilettos for about USD$43, which works out to be about SGD$56.  (NICE EXCHANGE RATE AMERICA)

not that bad but not that great.

the shoes are really pretty though! and it must be me but as i was putting the shoes together to take photos of them, i started to think about how the shoes were on top of each other and it was like they were having shoe sex to make more pretty little hot heel shoes. woohoo!

moar pix for droolz. pair ein:

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give it to me baby

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gold heels…SO HOT

pair zwei:

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 stiletto with cross wraps
28
September
[2010]


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gu ma jia: food pot

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my family likes to eat out often and without transportation in the past, our choices were always limited to easily accessible places. now, with the family van, we get to go to places spontaneously and often get these no-parking-charges neighbourhood eateries like Gu Ma Jia (Food Pot).

Literally translated into “Auntie’s Home” the home-cooked style of the dishes served there are affordable and really tastey. The location is the problem though; while it is easily accessible from the Potong Pasir MRT, it is still a bit out of the way for most families.

We went there last Sunday spontaneously and I ate till my tummy burst! in addition to the classic chinese dishes which you will find in every restaurant, they also have some really nice originals which i have not eaten anywhere else.

my favourite dish there is their calarmari. butter garlic of CHEWY SOFT octopus done with these bits of chili, its so fragrant and the ultimate chinese appetizer! the dish is a huge indulgence because of the fried content but even the most health conscious of us will not be able to resist its fragrance. the little bit of herbs added to the dish really pull out the aroma of the fried bits!

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Garlic Butter Calamari

we also got the salad cream butter prawns, which i didn’t like (ewww mayo) but my sister and brother loved. the prawns were fresh and sweet, but i really hate mayo.

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Salad Cream Butter Prawns

The restaurant manager also recommended the Salted Egg Crab. it looked so nice that even me, the one who usually steer clears of crabs, couldn’t resist trying!

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Salted Egg Crab

Incredible amount of crab roe in this one crab. i tried it. it was very…oceany.

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you know you love it..xoxo

and lastly the assam fish head, done in an ULTRA spicy broth that just COATS your entire tongue with its brutal flavour. it will KILL your taste buds if you are not careful, but put it on rice, take any of the steamed vegetables and it is such an amazing dish. we devour this in a matter of minutes every time. dad thinks this is one of the best assam fish heads in singapore. i don’t eat fish usually (picky, only eat the freshest fish) but i love this! the tomatoes, brinjals and lady fingers are my FAVOURITE kind of spicy vegetables!

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ASSAM!!!!!! FISH HEAD!!! ostensibly absent head hehe

we really love gu ma jia. it is a very homely and cosy environment and i always enjoy my meals there!

Gu Ma Jia (Food pot)

45 Thai Thong Crescent Singapore
Opened daily, 11am – 10pm

19
October
[2010]


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jtxf 21st

19
October
[2010]



2 Comments »


sengkang.circa2005

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i miss the enthusiasm i used to have for everything around me, that eye for things and that deep need to have excellence defining everything i do. i am no longer this way. jaded by the working world. aware that everything i knew was naive, idealistic, knowing that to be good at what you do you would need to sacrifice so much – i can’t handle it. so i stopped trying.

old me… come back. you were a wonderful person. you had no pretense, hypocrisy, hesitation - none at all.

21
October
[2010]



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bleah bleah moo moo mood

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1. cloudscaping is super duper fun

2. roniel & i were talking about random shit like his nab break up and how scrubby i was back-in-the-hey etc., and he casually mentions, “angela reckons i look like bruno mars”, and i was like. “DUDE. YOU SOOOOOO DO. I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU IMMEDIATELY WHEN I FIRST SAW HIM!” …… okay random but its one of the better convos i’ve had in a while cos it made me feel psyched.

3. kkk main point. i had a job interview. today. hahahahahaha. i’m pretty sure i will be offered the job but im not gonna put my hopes up cos i am so thinned skinned, i would probably feel rejected dejected and implausibly demoralized if i don’t get selected. but the way the 1.5 hour meeting ended, was more favourable to me than not

4. after the interview i was suppose to go winter clothes shopping with sis ‘cos she got her bf to buy her a ticket to birmingham but she was a no-show and asked me to pick up her shoes at topshop instead. so i ended up buying her that 59dollar pair of shoes, i dunno why i did that, i really can’t afford it. but it seemed a bit petty to ask for the money back?

5. baby sis was like going crazy about dunkin donuts a couple of months back but since the outlets are all in town and town is mad expensive to go to, we didn’t get any. cos the job interview was downtown i got her some. but i got mad at her today. see i was playing sc2 and i KNOW i was going to get promoted cos ive been playing nothing but golds, and i was hitting some zergs pretty damn fucking hard, but cos my MOTHER is a genius who LOVESSSSSSSSSS watching drama online, with my stupid ass brother hogging the bandwidth doing the same shit, using BITTORRENT pretty much p2p jacking my internetz, i lost. like 3 gold games. THAT I HAD IN THE BAG. one of them i was at the door step with 5 tanks 2 thors and a shit ton of scvs and marines, about to raze the mother fucker and yeah, i dropped. “DEFEAT!”…fuck you starcraft. so she pissed me off when i was so pissed off. i went to the living room and i was like emo max stressed epic unhappy (petty i know but hey heat of the moment etc.) – then she drops some snide remarks about whats the use of playing the game when it doesn’t make me any money, and i RAGED at her. i was like, how dare you. you haven’t even had a single job in yr fucking life that makes you more than $100 so don’t talk shit about me not making any money, you can jolly well go fuck yourself. ive never been so pissed at her before, seriously.

6. so the job i interviewed for pays very little but its so easyyyyyyyy its not even funny. plus ig et to work from HOME, i pretty much get all the usual work benefits and none of the work drama. i get to do what i love the most, and avoid all the things i hate, so the little amount of pay doesn’t bother me – especially since i know if i grow my portfolio with them i would be able to get a raise soon. but of cos my parents are super short sighted, dont think far ahead, and say nonsense like “so little pay do for what”….. im a smart girl. i know what i am doing is right. my biggest problem in the past was not being able to RETAIN my salary; i spent it EVERY DAY – going to work, having lunch, retail therapy sessions, going home and getting to work via cab – all that expenditure would NOT happen if i worked from home. and i am soooooooooooooo much happier when i don’t have to pretend i don’t wanna vomit at the thought of twilight and all this bull shit all these super old women with teenager mindsets like, like fucking justin bieber or something. NONE OF THAT SHIT. just 8 other people who agree, working from home is awesome, websites are wonderful, and if there’s anything that needs to be done just CALL OR EMAIL OR MSN!. … dream job, except for the pay, but that… is negotiable.

7. also after i got mad at my sister i played the pre zoukout mix that ivan eclipse made and omgomgomgomgomg<333 i want to go rave out so bad. haha. so now i am just putting on all the tiesto and getting high on the sick beats. :( i love dance music i just dont like sweaty bodies and the other unsavoury things that come along with dancing at clubs and music festivals and beach parties…blabla

8. sigh i have this recurring fear now that yyx’s mom and sis will hate me and i am getting too fat and yyx will hate me cos i am a chubster now. yyx standard reply: “you’re retarded” :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

9. marina bay sands this sunday but can’t go cos bro going to genting with his NEW GIRLFRIEND who is visiting from thailand and staying until end of this month. she is SOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and miss wang loves her super much. i hate it :( miss wang doesn’t like me half as much as she likes her :( and i am the one who hugs and give kisses to miss wang every day:( dogs are like babies and men, they only like things that aren’t regularly available :( i hate that.

30
October
[2010]


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universal studios singapore!~~~


06
November
[2010]


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flash fullscreen hack

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fact: watching shit on two or more monitors on the internet is a pain in the butt because flash video, the dominating technology for streaming sites, does not keep videos fullscreened when mouse activity outside of that monitor is detected. that means i can’t have fun watching starcraft replays while playing it >:|

this is of course no bueno. which is why, i am happy to know this super solid piece of know-how:

you can hack your flash video player dll to keep the damn window fullscreened!

here’s how: http://lifehacker.com/5560912/keep-flash-101-in-full-screen-on-a-second-monitor

for my reference:

using Google Chrome (as Chrome now comes with the Flash plugin) open
C:\Users\Jermine\AppData\Local\Google\Chrome\Application\[VERSION]\gcswf32.dll

replace 74 39 83 E8 07 74 11 83 E8 05 75 13 8B

74 39 to 90 90.

that’s all.

now if only the damn developers realized this + google chrome stops updating the dll every time it updates google chrome.

08
November
[2010]



1 Comment »


bits&pieces

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i don’t like to tie my hair, so i have a gazillion hairbands with bows on em because i wish i was blair waldorf.

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she’s kinda like the sunshine and thunderstorm in my life

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and she is so madcute when she gets a haircut!

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good food :)
21
November
[2010]


annyeong goodbye adios

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sis & i had a convo regarding life and career and i professed to having a problem with the job market right now; turns out my confidence in my employability was seriously misplaced and i am not nearly as employable as i was a year ago. having never really seen job hunting as a difficulty before, this new found dilemma has resulted in a staunch humility that i must cure. therefore, a book was purchased, and i will be diligently devouring its sage wisdom to a new job.

one thing: i must not settle for less. i must not cave in to admin jobs and stuff i am not interested in. this time i am following my own career path.

home organization

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an uncluttered mind = an uncluttered room. i was told that a long time ago, along side with some small simple truths like… keep your books in sight because you won’t read what you can’t see and you won’t remember what you don’t use. so i like to keep shit in sight. its really nice to be able to tell where something goes though, instead of absent mindedly chucking stuff into some random recess and then repurchasing said stuff because of inability to locate previous location of stuff. i like this feeling, that when i walk into my room, no matter what state of mess it is in, i can repair it with minimal effort and extreme speed. its been like this since that july revamp and i am superduper happy.

29
November
[2010]


hikari

i miss my laptop so much.

i need to get it fixed. think the psu died. not even sure if it is the lappy that is broken as it blacked out one day and kinda sent it to eternal fuckethedness.

i miss lying in bed and writing so so so so much

sis went to uk again. i encouraged her to stay for a long time as opposed to a short time, knowing that while absence makes the heart fonder, reality is best cooked like a stew – a prolonged stay with someone you love will only bring out his flaws and irritate you more than endear you – then, truly, absence will become a relief rather than a stinging reminder of your loneliness

lonely is an adjective i have come to use on myself often now. there is the eternal loneliness, the kind that makes you feel like you are alone, no matter who claims to love you, no one understands you – every hiccup, every inane argument, is a diminutive reminder of how innately L O N E L Y i am

nobody understands me, sometimes i wonder if i understand myself.

who wants to feel alone. who wants to sit there and wonder why your partner says the things he says to you. about anything, everything, stupid shit like “are you even thinking”,  while i struggle to articulate my failures, not even close to verbalizing what difficulties i have and that frustration reaches boiling point – its a yell i have to restraint, a silent scream i have come to bear, knowing that the only solution to the problem is separation. the aftermath is baking in alcohol and music, then a sudden realization as the symbolic loneliness becomes actualized and you have no choice but to recognize, no matter how lonely you may be, it beats being alone.

i hate that part of myself. that wayward wondering that works in a depressingly downward spiral fashion – knowing what you have is not what you want and what you want is not what you can get, knowing what you have is what far better than what you have ever had. i know it all.

i am so self absorbed. its pathetic.

not too long ago i would sing leona lewis’ “run” and he would be rapt with attention.

i miss that.

18
December
[2010]


absurd fears and occurences

i have like a shit ton to blog about.

i fixed my laptop about 2-3 weeks ago thanks to the wonderful people at sapura apple, who gave me a free charger since i was still under warranty. superb apple care! yayz!.

since then i have really quite enjoyed surfing while cozy in bed, watching replays close up and chatting with people before dozing off and stuff like that.

having a laptop is a great convenience.

things been quite shitty for me of late. life is like a big pile of horseshit and i dont know what to do with it. they say life gives you lemons, make lemonade, so i guess since life is giving me horseshit i should plant some damn plants?

there’s a lot of problems and i would feel like a broken record if i wrote them all down so i would rather not.

suffice to say, life hasnt turned out the way that i envisioned it, which is a very absurdly common occurence.

why is it so hard to control your own destiny? shouldnt the desire to have it be enough to force it into reality?

well, at least – i got 99 problems but a bitch aint 1.. i guess.

my birthday is tomorrow.

absurd fear that no one will wish me happy birthday.

then who will i QQ to? lol.

to be honest i wouldnt be surprised if no one cares enough.,

wouldnt be the first time

birthdays have always been sordidly depressing for me. being born in dec, just 3 days after my brother’s birthday, i ended up always having to share parties with him, if we even got any – and the guests were always informed that it was my brother’s birthday and not mine, so i ended up getting nothing

yeah! i was a pretty neglected child.

when i became a teenager, birthdays weren’t celebrated by classmates either, since i was born in december, meaning its school holidays when it happens, so nobody from school really cared. for a couple of years in between though, i did have friends who made a big deal out of it, and i felt pretty cool,

nowadays its just something that happens once a year. the only people who tend to make a bigger deal out of it are boyfriends, but of cos i’ll be having none of that this year!

who cares!

its just the day i was born.,

which is probably more of an occassion of regret than celebration.

i hate my life.

22
December
[2010]


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birthday post~~~~

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ha. its been 3 days since the fateful happening of my birthday, and though i had lamented the general nonchalant attitude with regards to my birthday, people actually paid attention to it. i had a really nice day, beginning with various phone calls from friends, who called worriedly as i had not replied to their birthday wishes via text – apparently they had been texting me the entire day and i didn’t receive anything! pooey. its nice to know that people care though. yes yes i could count with both hands the number of people who said happy birthday, but hey… at least somebody cared… :)

really i dunno why i get so emo whenever this time rolls around. this year i’m kinda spoilt rotten…!

yyx got me flowers after i badgered him about not doing anything about my birthday. yaya i know he was stressed cos of exams and shit but damn it i reminded him daily for like 2 weeks before the damn thing, and had been casually mentioning it the month before, and what the hell does he do? wait until 2 days before it happens to do anything -_-

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red roses with white freesias and baby’s breath :D

i gotta say, the flowers were gorgeous, and whatever anger i carried dissipated. especially since the cousies were staying with us & were gushing over it…

family decided to do a double celebration for me and my brother’s birthday at jumbo seafood restaurant at clarke quay- cadet KT had just returned from a 3 day birthday trip to visit his girlfriend in thailand. he relegated us with amusing tales of non-stop cake stuffing – his courteous hosts and friends of girlfriend showered upon him so much love and attention during his short visit, going as far as to celebrate his birthday every day he was there!. his stories made me smile and feel warm inside. he talked about gigantic shrimp that were as big as the lobsters we ate, and the absurdly low prices for everything there – it sounded like he had so much fun, i was happy for him!

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what to eat… lets have fried rice first!

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seafood fried rice & buttered cheese baked lobster

had some epic argument on what to do to the lobster which my parents were set on ordering – finally decided that the 2 different lobsters we ordered should be done in 2 different ways, instead of the usual lobster salad we usually get done at this restaurant. so we had one baked in cheese and butter, one in a wine stock.  it was reaaaaalllly good! i enjoyed the cheese sauce especially, although the heavy butter smell really turned me off initially.

dinner was great, but expensive. my sister tried to ninja a birthday cake into the restaurant – she was going to  surprise me with a banana chocolate cake from awfully chocolate and i totally foiled her plans by guessing that she had done that the moment she arrived. she was exasperated by what a smart alec i am :p

after dinner we went on a walk by the quay and decided to get some dessert… from the mischievous turkish ice cream man:

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the turkish man performs a variety of comedic tricks when you buy ice cream from him, thus drawing crowds whenever an order is made. his act varies depending on who he is serving…its always funny though! my sister got a mango yogurt from him, which he decided to “steal” her icecream by keeping the icecream on the scoop, and handed her just the cone biscuit – when my sister questioned him about the ice cream, he feigned ignorance and suggested that my sister had finished the ice cream that quickly:

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“where is my ice cream!!!!”

the girls could not stop giggling. the nice man eventually handed over the ice cream :)

then we walked over to gmax where the girls stared intently at the free falling cages and swings. bu the absurd prices kept us from getting on the attraction – at $45 per pax, i would be better off paying for a concert or an hour’s worth of wavehouse sentosa.

after walking away from g-max, qiqi saw the marina bay sands building and freaked out! turns out she has never seen this before. i felt a bit guilty for not having brought her to the new integrated resorts – but it seems like such an adult place, that she would probably not enjoy it anyway. to commemorate the moment of fascination, i forced them to take a picture.

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posing with the “plane” … of marina bay sands… lawls

it was a nice night. we didn’t need to take public transport as my brother very kindly chauffeured us around in the family van.

we then came home and spent hours looking at family pictures that i had taken in the last 10 years – i was surprised at how mamy photos i had made, and it inspired me to keep on doing it… probably why this post is so damn long :P

birthday presents

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