Archive for January, 2010


im so tired that i cant even go to bed

i hurt all over my body and i feel like i might suffocate in my sleep

and this exhaust is driving me insane because apparently when your body is in pain you can’t really go to sleep

last time i felt so abused was when i was in netball training
which fyi was the worst time of my life

today was a logistical nightmare that just reaffirmed the stupidity of my company; i listened to people argue about the technicalities in a way which i could not fathom would ever exist in a wholly intelligent world. ok, scratch that, you dont even need a wholly intelligent world for this to NOT happen. you just have to be reasonably not stupid.

the whole beach strip was littered with crazy and drunk people, i had to run back and forth between barricades and smile and make stupid jokes about right hands and a great new year while fondling with dumb tags and the most insane carpet armhairs i have ever seen (some of those arms felt like carpets…..) while being yelled at by people who were supremely unhappy because of all the waiting they had to do

which i thought was really funny, this one guest had every intent to yell at me but as he looked at my miserable and apologetic face, his tone never matched his words – he sounded less and less angry even if his words were meant to be irate…

i smiled inside, thank god for small fortunes. most people could tell i was trying my best to help.

doesn’t really matter though when you dont have authority. my sales director totally stepped up and led the crowd, i was thinking, man isn’t this something that my events director should be handling? the head of the division stood at the gates surveying the situation while all of us ran amok, easily distracted by one guest’s complaints while others stood by wondering how things could be so severely unorganized

sometimes i really wonder where on earth did we get the idea that we could ever be considered ‘world class’ – i don’t think i have ever seen such low standards of organization in my entire life.

i was briefed for a total of 2 minutes, i had to figure out things all by myself, i tried to assist people to my best abilities but at the end of the day i mostly had to turn away begging people and tired crowds with my most apologetic smile. i had to deal with rude policemen, fedup third parties, inefficient management, and i was part of this whole mechanism that, by my estimate, made at least 1,000 people most unhappy in the last 24 hours.

by the time it was 12:00am, the crowds were still stuck at the entrance, struggling to get through. as they tried to make the best of that hour, i could not help but feel that we failed them all. as the crowds thinned out, with many who purchased tickets walking off instead of continuing to attempt to go in, my manager cheerily gasped and said, “now we can all go off early!”

i was dumbfounded by her lack of foresight in not realizing how badly we had managed to fail the expectations of people who had invested in having a good new year’s eve with us.

i can’t stress enough, that this could possibly have been the worst new year’s eve i have ever had. and what’s worse is, i am certain that i am not the only one today who thought so. every turn was an obstacle, a queue, a line that only grew longer and longer and not shorter. different answers given by different people to the same questions, none of them sure enough to pass on their answers as the “official” answers – so some people jumped back and forth, queuing for hours and hours. i wish i could stop remembering the yelling, the pushing, the endless queries.

i was told that we needed to come back and help due to a lack of manpower. i believe now, truly, that it is not that – it is simply because those in charge of the logistics were not able to foresee what kind of management we needed and so just asked for every resource possible while having no idea on how to allocate those resources. at my tent, we stood side by side, about 6 people idling as the night crept past 10, leaving only 4 due to boredom incurred by the other 2, to deal with angry mobs who were being shuffled back and forth 2 locations just to get TAGGED. disorganization aside, the maddening inflexibility of the management, not being able to do small favours of assess the situation accordingly so as to avoid antagonizing an already frustrated crowd …. those things.. those things drove me mad…

i wish i could just find a way to forget the last 10 hours of my life. except for the ride home, i really didnt enjoy anything at all. not even the beer dudes who lingered around to talk, and ask me questions, or the guys who replied to my “steady lah”s with “i’m single, not steady”, and winks to top it off; the girls were all so beautiful, and the men weren’t actually bad looking tonight. i was so confused.


in retrospect, i think this year might be one of the best years of my life. i started last year.. doing.. something. no idea what. oh actually i think i went to malaysia. no idea. i graduated with no idea on what i wanted to do with my life, i stuck with a person who really wasn’t worth sticking with, i listened to my heart and ignored it for once, i made a bad decision to join a terrible company but in the end gained so many friends that it seems almost worth it to have suffered all these injustices which i have in the last 6 months. i met people that i would otherwise never speak to, i learnt to judge people by what they do and not what they say, i let my often soft heart harden a little bit more and that made me all that more real. i got my iPhone which has so much so enriched my life… i got a macbook and that has increased my networth in the working world (haha)… i learnt to make sacrifices on my personal desires for the ‘greater good’… i got my heart broken and fixed in the same month, i met this incredible guy who i truly want a future with (no if’s or but’s, just… just.), i dream about a future that’s more and more real as each day pass by. i could see 2010 being great. no, actually, i know that 2010 will be wonderful.

for all those reasons i have said before, i now realize that me, as a girl, as a woman, it will always be as such. i will always be okay. with or without a man, in this world or another, as long as i stay strong and think. just THINK. i think i will be genuinely okay.


so, bad new year’s eve, but so what? unlike what the media might persuade you to think, one experience doesn’t define anything. at all.

i’ll be hoping and making my 2010 dream come true. :)



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just try to make the best of every thing

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tinker tinker

song of the now: beyonce – scared of lonely

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uhh spent the last hour tinkering with code…I LIKEY MY BLOG’S NEW LOOK! recycled elements are so ftw. i have not used the acronym FTW in a while :| tragedy.

upgraded to wp 2.9 and its giving me SO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE. i can’t login half the time through chrome so i have resorted to blogging on the macbook.cos firefox is really ugly on windows (sorry mozilla but i have always felt that way, i used to only use ff due to speed but now it’s not even half as fast as chrome!!! but no worries, i still have FF on the mac.)

speaking of which, i dont actually really like the macbook. it’s not as fast as one might think (fyi the vista running on the core2duo t7200? fujitsu is faster than this macbook i think…) and the corners cut into my fat arms. me no likeyyyy. plus the keyboard layout is a bitch (on the lab macs we could switch the keyboards layouts here because they were “full” keyboards – this shit you can’t!!!). annnnoooyyyyinnnngggg

i smell like ciggies, went out for din din and drank like 2 glasses of lime juice (WEET!). i feel like a mad pro food hustler. argue with the chef and tell him he sucks and he just gives me complimentary yumyums. A++

blog improvemento:

  • mp3 player for musicoo (can’t figure out how to get it to auto embed via custom field, so i am guessing i need to hardcode this in the plugin, which i REALLY DON’T WANT TO DO..)
  • pretty new bokeh background with colours i loveee (i am weird, shh)
  • bug fixes for the floats, gallery
  • new font (WOOO)
  • ‘list of the nao’ as a rudimentary ‘wish’/'todo’ list

planned blog improvementos (aka ~this will never be done~):

  • better gallery support
  • redesigned footer + header (think its better to seperate the content)
  • less ghey archive pages
  • better “random content” support
  • new logo/header ‘graphic’
  • flash parsing fonts for custom h1 tags (whee…easy but lazy to recode the templates)

i really like this layout. usually i switch every 2 – 3 weeks, but i have stuck with this for a year+!!! i mean, when i first made this blogskin i didn’t expect the years at footer to end up having THREE fucking tabs, holy shart!i have changed the background at leasr 5 -6 times, i still haven’t seen a column based title bar like mine work as good as it does here. so i think i will just stick with this and build on to it. it could be one of those epic blog skins that take 6 years to build, and by the time its finished, its so irrelevant that nobody cares anymore

well, at least until  HTML5 comes out and is popularized, which i think will take at least 2 more years before it becomes the standard. just doesn’t seem like the mainstream browsers will be very consistent with html5 (whats new, lol) so most early adopters will be early experimenters with no functional purposes – whatever functionality probably will be handled through the javascript streams and xml-based interfaces. we’ll see if i am right.. haha

blerggghhh i got so emo today, i thought i just wrote on the FIRST DAY OF THIS YEAR that i will CEASE BEING EMO ABOUT BOYZZZZ but how did i still let someone disarm me and kick me in the arse. so disappointed with how my week end turned out, the vietnamese dj i was hosting broke her promise and made me and my manager sadface. she was suppose to be back in her hotel room by 10am today but she did no such thing >:| being the super devout christian that she is (man her bible was so thick from all the notes she was takin in it LOL, i was mad surprised) she had to stay in church the whole morning despite it being a working trip. bitch should be made to forfeit her entire trip entitlement cos of this. so come mon. i will need to go down and take her around one more stop. i HATE THAT, why do people waste my time! i wanted to get my work done tomorrow. instead, i will just be showing her ass around. and not to mention that i will need to send her off at 3pm, which pretty much means my whole morning will be fully about her. WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!!! WE DON’T EVEN SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE!!!! JESUS!!!

i’m really sad =( working on thursday put me in a blue mood (imagine getting yelled at by angry people on NEW YEAR’S EVE for 6 FUCKING HOURS…) and friday was a blur ‘cos i was asleep most of the day… YYX only came back in the afternoon, then we did some terrible things to one another and i fell asleep again, then he just pzz’ed on me and the next time we spoke he was like blabla plans blabla c u 2 days blabla and i was so flabbergasted ;_;. sat came, spent whole entire day failing on shitosa, and i was really hoping to have at least ONE GOOD DAY before going back to work, but nope. spent 7 hours mopping around waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting… so feddup. thinking about it makes me want to tear. while i was being miserable, i felt like yyx didn’t even give 2 hoots about me (no call no text no message left, just absolute 0) ‘cos come monday will be the worst week ever – my miniboss went on vacation and left me a whole list of things to complete and i am so sure i will not be able to finish anything.

last week was suppose to be vacation but i don’t think i rested much… the times when i wasn’t checking email, i was on aion being bad, and if not i just made a mess of my room everytime i was going to go out. it feels like i have had a shit day for every day of the last 3 weeks and it just extended itself into the 4th week ‘cos of this sunday. i want to SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!! AND PUNCH BABIES IN THE FACE!!!!!

now i remember why last week wasn’t so fantastic – i spent almost every day out o_O chilling and drinking until middle of night…




that’s the secret to not being miserable

bbl beer.



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but yyx says WTB blog, so…i must do as my master says.

maybe it will be better if i write it down in point forms…:

1. i have close to 20 christmas presents i have yet to open o_O
2. my family stole my tote bags which i was using to hold the above o_O they just emptied them out into a paper bag and took them while i was out visiting the doc. sneaky
3. i got a teddy for free :D it is cute, fuzzy and now resides on my bedside table.
4. when i think of inches, i think of cocks. this teddy bear is 8″ long. hmm.
5. i went to the doctor and he was such a retard. i told him what was wrong with me, he wouldn’t listen, said a bunch of shit, said he would give me a SINGLE COURSE OF ANTIBIOTICS, scribbled like 5 other things on the paper, then sent me back to the counter to pick up my meds. and the nurse started giving me shit for cough, flu, muscle relaxants, fever, etc.? and i was like…. there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH ME YET. THIS IS WHY I AM HERE. i know there is something that will blow up soon and i need to prevent it! just give me the fucking shit for my sinuses. wth are you giving me 20 types of medicine?
6. i was madddd. and the nurse took off everything but the biotics course + muscle relaxant, and still the bill came up to be $50. ooookayyy.
7. i miss yyx.
8. i had so much fun with yyx this morning. his little brother is the cutest smartest darndest thing ever. and i like how yyx threatens to beat up his family every 5 minutes o_O
9. but babe, it was not cool to call your sister fat. not cool at all.
10. i got a whole box of chocolates in anticipation of the upcoming period.
11. i had mango bubble tea AND FRIES for dinner. YEAH!!!!
12. ‘what we have is worth its weight in gold’, although this is technically challenging as you can’t really weigh ‘us’
13. we don’t have any more gold, my mom sold them all because the gold prices are high now
14. it will cost me about $300 to visit china. cool!
15. i never want to leave my bed =( its so comfortable
16, i love you
17. i really do
18. why does it mean that we have to be together for me to love you?
19. i could still love you even if you didn’t love me back
20.if there is one person i want in my life forever, it’s you. even if it hurts
21. but when i like some one, i turn crazy, unreasonable
22. i’m still all the good things, but the bad things grow out of hand when i get angry, and i know you won’t like that person
23. which is why the 3 strike policy is quite good. fyi the 3 strikes is just an anger measurement system. im just not allowing myself to be angry until the 3rd strike. that way, you know that i am getting mad, and it doesn’t just ‘suddenly’ hit you like a dude buttfucking you in the back alley
24. am i really that hard to love? i think im really reasonable!!! just give me all your attention, look at me when we are talking, have the courtesy to think about what i may feel even if what you are doing seems alright to you, consider what you want and what it might mean to me, and i think we are usually good to go
25. you on the other hand!!!! are so hard to love sometimes. i want the inside, i saw the inside, that’s why i love you. and your inside is perma-encrypted and always changes passwords so i can’t even get an all-access pass. fuck you!
26. last few points seem like the minutes for our last session.
27. last session was fucking hot. mmm.
28. i like it when you tell me what to do.
29. i hope you don’t forget
30. remember… you can eat whatever you like, but you must ALWAYS HAVE IT WITH PEPPERONI PIZZA!!!!!



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new camera!

SMEXY. had to write about this because meh, i have an incredulous need to show off sometimes. the samsung st45 is powerfully small and plasticky and 17mm thick which means it will always be in my bag and needs about as much taking care of as a 35 year old millionaire. i looooveeee it. its ok that the photo quality is slightly fail, and the lens is a 35mm pos, but its still smexy as hell. SOOO SMEXXXYYYY.


scrabble post

smile ^^



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song of the nao… paperbag:

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think im supposed to feel happy and high like i almost always do from family gatherings but im just gathering dust with my emo self here…lol.

i laughed a fair bit but its loud and rambunctious and hollow

i dont know why i am so exhausted. when the clock hit 10pm i just wished i could lie down and sleep

actually i spent like 3 hours gathering umblia… lol holy shit… waste of my life and time….

tomorrow’s sunday and its that rundown stupidity known as work again…

just one more week.. then another week… then another week…

kids came by and yyx asked my cousin how old she was, and when she said she is “12++” i felt a bit shocked. i’ve known this kid since she was wee big, i had to rock her cradle till she fell asleep, i remember looking after her and when she wouldn’t do anything unless i was around, how she would fall asleep to music and cry when it stopped cos the cd player ran out of battery…


brain farts ahoy…dunno why but ive been feeling really dumb of late. i need that competitive edge, that sense of urgency that doesn’t derive from incompetion of tasks, i need adrenaline that comes from having true passion and engagement…

think as a marketer im suppose to inspire the above.. how to do so when i barely can muster the energy to register my fate daily. lol.



why does it have to be sunday tomorrow? i wish i could just stop working for a long time… …..

please god.. let me quit…

feel so miserable when i think about real life.

ok ok.. routine goodstuff/badstuff evaluation

1. sharing b&j’s macademia mission with the couzzies
2. watching my mom show off her facebook skillz to her siblings
3. deep&meaningful conversations with papa
4. kristal looking gorgeous despite that wreck of a car accident 5 years ago
5. my fucking awesome macbook (i hate but im listening to music right now and its pretty brill. cant say that for most windoze laptops)
6. its the weekend
7. i had fun on aion with yyx
8. good servicings today
9. i made 2 gigantic yummy sandwiches
10. everybody loves my room and dual monitor set up

1. im fat and do nothing but work and play computer games
2. i hate my job and i cant stop whinging
3. i feel like i cant communicate properly anymore
4. my english is fob
5. i feel inadequate
6. dont feel like yyx and i are working towards our future together anymore
7. my iphone is retarded
8. im too lazy

tink good outweighs bad so im still good for a bit



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slices of life

man i am sooo tired. dunno why i insist on blogging before i retire.

did something a bit more social today. got up early (well, on a sat anyway) to visit grandma in hospital with my dad, mom, uncle and aunt. man it was a squeeze in their tiny little car. so many traffic jams all over the fucking place cos today is thaipusam and i didnt know. good thing = interesting things to see; bad thing = bored as fuck. but thanks to the mercy that is technology, i kept myself entertained with sxephil videos and awesome kpop.

as i sat in the car full of chinese people, glancing out the car window to see a sea of indians and culturally unfamiliar tourists, listening to trippy korean music on a device that was designed in california and made in china, i had this odd realization that our world is truly an extraordinary place.

its funny how things you dont usually appreciate are things that are the most interesting

man my breakfast was sooo beasty. laksa without chopsticks is weirddd. and the sea calms in there was soooo good. sighhh. im hungry thinking about it. and i didnt have dinner! just a bad sammich. ;_;

should probably have another beasty brekkie tomorrow morning.

my face itches.


i did some super cool thing to my macbook and made windows 7 run off bootcamp. so now i can play aion while not at home, but its weirddd when i hit the command key accidentally. trying to remap my keyboard is a nightmare in this fkn shit. so i dunno how long its gonna be before i finally acquire a FOURTH set of muscle memory for the windows7OnAMacBookKeyboard. o_O

also, this week i’ve been generally cordial with yyx, and its fun to just chill with him without feeling like shart. nick says its mercury in retrograde but im not feeling it. either my fates have been realigned or this retrograde has always been bullshit.

speaking of nick, i yelled at him massive today. i dont know how else i can get through to him. we have neither reason to live nor die, and it stands clear that what we have is what we must make use of. so i get mad when he talks about death as if it is something he has any right to own. i dislike his attitude towards life; since we’ve parted ways, things have been really awkward. there is always advice i want to give him but i withold; and i wish he could just take a second look at the facts between me and him and realize that we weren’t soulmates and we aren’t meant to be together. i want to be his friend but it gets so hard sometimes.