epic

spent the entire morning doing nothing. it was epic.
i decided to log in to windows 7 on the macbook and loaded aion, afk crafted all my elemental waters so now i have enough for 500 pots.
i dunno why the office doesn’t have 3G access, its so annoying. came to the gym to sit and type nonsense while farming umblia in the background.
mom called me at about 7pm yesterday and said some nonsense about some amazing movie called “The Secret” and begged me to look for it. its a ‘self-help’ documentary that talks about the power of positive thinking through the context of ‘law of attraction’. apparently, whatever you think about is what you attract into your life!

i should probably start thinking about money.

other than that, its been a pretty cool day of nothingness. i just sat around and copyedited like 3 lines, felt irritated that this rhythm of things isn’t going to change no matter what i do; worst is i actually don’t care anymore. why bother? lol.

plastic.glass

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first of all

these bitches who keep hitting my macbook with their fat asses and bags will die in their sleep tonight.

i can’t believe that chinese new year is coming so soon! and landing on the same day as valentine’s day too?

i’m see really non-schizo advertising for some reason. it’s as if marketing workers in Singapore have forgotten that both of those occasions collide this year and just decided to concentrate on exploiting the shiny chinky town festival.

i’m doing something to mesh up both. its prt cool.

cancelled my aion subscription yesterday. just dont see the point of playing any more. i really just wanted to play with yyx but now that he’s all sorts of pro at a lower level gank dude, i don’t think either of us have time to sit around and level shit to 50. its so depressing that i have to grind HOURS just to get to the fun. plus red army disbanded due to the dumbest reasons on earth; i wrote to NC soft and said that i would not support their game further and i wasn’t kidding.

its always nice to be able to stand behind your own words.

i looked at my finances and realized how poor i am is directly related to how much i spend (GENIUS!) on a whim. i often go out to the mall after work just to relax and stretch my legs out a bit after sitting at the desk for so long, and end up buying all sorts of shit. i think women are genetically predisposed to being financially unsound because i swear, before puberty, i was a super saver. and now… tsk tsk

so i asked yyx to help me figure out how much i can spend a day based on a budget of 250 per week. i’ve got it refined further, to $25, so now i add up everything before i buy it. and when i want something, i think about how much it costs and how many days of NO FOOD NO TRANSPORT it would take to earn it back and i just stop.

so far so good. i spent about $3.90 + $5.85 + $3.50 today. ALL ON FOOD! yum yum.

i’m also looking at my diet and making smarter choices too. instead of accelerating death by irresponsible about what i eat, i thought it might be a good idea to examine my life goals and see if i’m enabling myself through practise.

OMG I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN BRAIN WASHED. but in a totally good way.

wrote my resignation letter today… showed it to my other manager… she was pretty disappointed with my decision; she wanted me to think it over some more, and i thought well, i don’t think i need to. asked my colleagues about the procedure to quit at the place and they said to directly submit resignation to 1st lvl supervisor, and if it doesn’t get cleared i will be asked to go into the office for a “negotiation” process…

i know my direct supervisor already is trying to get me a higher pay but i really can’t take it anymore. i don’t think i want to wait for 2 more months just to figure out what i did or didn’t do right enough to earn my DESERVED salary range.

why should i spend 2 months barely breaking even when i could be making easily as much in just 1 week’s work, with close to zero expenditure?

it was so easy making money as a freelancer. i miss it.

OPPARU SARANGHAE

1. when you wake up you do this cute twitchy turn around stretch thing that makes me smile every time
2. when you squint you look really mad
3. i dont think i’ve ever had anyone make me laugh at myself as hard as you do and not feel humiliated by it
4. i love that you let me troll you back every day
5. sometimes we mess up, but we always make up soon after… and you don’t tend to walk away from me.
6. you shit talk in your sleep… hahahhaha
7. i never get bored of looking at your face
8. when i ask for a kiss in my head, i get one from you!!!
9. you wake me up every day without fail =)
10. you lead the way and i’m always happy to follow because i trust you.
11. and i know, i may seem a little disappointed when you say you know you love me because you trust me, but i know how important this is and what it means for you. and i appreciate it with all my heart
12. we make mistakes and we learn from it.
13. we compromise with one another and never feel like we are sacrificing too much for one another.
14. your infinitely impatient persona takes a backseat sometimes… just for me.
15. you are so charismatic, but you don’t even know when other people are into you!
16. i gladly eat the humble pies you bake me
17. i think i am a better person because of you
18. and i learn to love myself a lot more because of you
19. every day gets a little bit easier because i have you.
20. and i can only hope that you feel the same way too!!!!
21. i LOVE Y O U.

jtyf

embarrassing that im tearing at office, not quite sure what to do. at a big loss because try as hard as i might be to be adult, i just find it stiffing all my feelings and desires. worst thing is i cant help it, i REALLY FUCKING CANT HELP IT. im just so fucking emo right now cos of this

i wanted so badly for this relationship to be based on confidence and trust, guess i already went down the wrong route in the first place by even wanting to have it

i feel like kicking and screaming and crying, why is it that every time i open up, let myself go and truly genuinely grow to love somebody i end up paying for it?

today i realized that i have to choose between two things – what i need, and what i want. but life has already chosen for me, because without what i need, i will never have what i want. i’ve been poorer, but i wasn’t this reliant on money back then. even thinking about quitting earlier than when i promised myself i would was damaging enough. its horrible to be paid little, worse to be spending it just so you can keep your job

i wish he understood what i am going through. why wouldnt he….why doesnt he….those are the real questions…

i dont wanna be defensive, so i just end up being angry. i dont want to have to justify my life to somebody whom i trust enough to build my future around. i want him to just get it, and have no doubt about it, cos he knows who i am and believes in me and my decisions

too much to ask i think

think its time to just give up. im 26, not 16. if i continue investing hope in things that dont believe in me ……..

well at least i will have kll when the time comes… was soooooooo excited and happy today when she said she is thinking about joining the company. i thought that for the first time in a while my stay here at shitosa looks to be brightening up. kll is one of my favourite things in life, i sometimes think that if i didnt meet her while at nyjc i would have ended up killing myself. her and the rest of the girls. i remember back then i was so emo i wanted to cut myself.  i took every opportunity to run away from studying and if it wasnt for them i would have never had any reason to go to an environment where i was constantly pressured and had no interest in learning. being part of a little clique of eccentric as fuck girls was the best thing that happened to me in those 2 years.

s0metimes i think my problem is i can’t be alone, yet i like to be so. life would be so much easier if i never had to process the fact that i am alone

PROBABLY TIME TO START OBSESSING ABOUT MYSELF. THATS HOW EVERY OTHER GIRL DOES IT. STARE WILDLY INTO THE MIRROR, SPEND 5 HOURS DRESSING UP AND GET HIGH ON LIFE WITH MY OWN REFLECTION BEFORE EM WRINKLES SHOW UP LOL