embarrassing that im tearing at office, not quite sure what to do. at a big loss because try as hard as i might be to be adult, i just find it stiffing all my feelings and desires. worst thing is i cant help it, i REALLY FUCKING CANT HELP IT. im just so fucking emo right now cos of this

i wanted so badly for this relationship to be based on confidence and trust, guess i already went down the wrong route in the first place by even wanting to have it

i feel like kicking and screaming and crying, why is it that every time i open up, let myself go and truly genuinely grow to love somebody i end up paying for it?

today i realized that i have to choose between two things – what i need, and what i want. but life has already chosen for me, because without what i need, i will never have what i want. i’ve been poorer, but i wasn’t this reliant on money back then. even thinking about quitting earlier than when i promised myself i would was damaging enough. its horrible to be paid little, worse to be spending it just so you can keep your job

i wish he understood what i am going through. why wouldnt he….why doesnt he….those are the real questions…

i dont wanna be defensive, so i just end up being angry. i dont want to have to justify my life to somebody whom i trust enough to build my future around. i want him to just get it, and have no doubt about it, cos he knows who i am and believes in me and my decisions

too much to ask i think

think its time to just give up. im 26, not 16. if i continue investing hope in things that dont believe in me ……..

well at least i will have kll when the time comes… was soooooooo excited and happy today when she said she is thinking about joining the company. i thought that for the first time in a while my stay here at shitosa looks to be brightening up. kll is one of my favourite things in life, i sometimes think that if i didnt meet her while at nyjc i would have ended up killing myself. her and the rest of the girls. i remember back then i was so emo i wanted to cut myself.  i took every opportunity to run away from studying and if it wasnt for them i would have never had any reason to go to an environment where i was constantly pressured and had no interest in learning. being part of a little clique of eccentric as fuck girls was the best thing that happened to me in those 2 years.

s0metimes i think my problem is i can’t be alone, yet i like to be so. life would be so much easier if i never had to process the fact that i am alone

PROBABLY TIME TO START OBSESSING ABOUT MYSELF. THATS HOW EVERY OTHER GIRL DOES IT. STARE WILDLY INTO THE MIRROR, SPEND 5 HOURS DRESSING UP AND GET HIGH ON LIFE WITH MY OWN REFLECTION BEFORE EM WRINKLES SHOW UP LOL

3 responses to jtyf

1. hgug Says:
   September 8th, 2011 at 2:20 am

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2. hgug Says:
   September 8th, 2011 at 2:20 am

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3. Kaleigh Says:
   December 18th, 2011 at 5:51 pm

   Your’s is a point of view where real intelleigcne shines through.

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