Archive for March, 2010


10
March
[2010]


zzzz

1. left work early and got caught by boss; shamelessly waved cheerfully while exiting in slow motion to demonstrate how little i cared.

2. second day in a row i went to work and came back… ALL IN DAY FUCKING LIGHT!

3. this privilege ends tomorrow.

4. i am really upset because i have to go to work in about 5 hours and i kinda did nothing.

5. …

6. WORDS CAN’T EXPRESS HOW FUCKING MISERABLE I FEEL RIGHT NOW

7. HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS SHIT CAN I TAKE??????????????

28
March
[2010]


j.j

this is how i have always known you but held myself to be exception of. where applicable you exaggerated all attributes of a situation to your advantage, your case. which, as is with any intelligent person, is quite a good stance to take. i applaud you on your argument-wining tactics, but as your opponent, i think you should know, it is exhausting and tests the best of me. i find myself wanting to give up more than i want you to understand me now.

like you, our weekly-turned-daily arguments are tiring me. i have gone to the point where i wonder if, i said goodbye, if you would not jolly well just say goodbye too.

i have my petty emotions and they go out of hand. in situations like these where my eloquence is nowhere to be found, my tongue-tied self has little edge save for stabbing you with whatever blunt point it has left.

i pity me. most of this is an accumulation of my incompetence in the past 6 months. perhaps what is the most tragic of all is how it was never like this.

underlining life with sour feelings and bitterness is not admirable… at all

these quirky circumstances, we have always know, and of me, my pettiness, paranoia, jealousy, rage and sadness roars of an injustice you have grown weary of

i know not why i emphasize so much of how this exhausts you

i think, maybe, because, i would like you to know that i do know, and that it too exhausts me.

—-

the beautiful dog named JJ sits on my kitchen floor whimpering. it’s pissed itself in the wrong place again, and i know its antsy steps and circling meant only one thing – urination – but it just refused to moved to the newspaper pile. i know it odd but i think that it has grown an aversion to the smell of its own pee.

i look at the dog and i know she kinda gets me. i’m the girl who sits on and lets her lick me all over my thighs and feet, a strange obsession she seems to have. 2 days in this family and i already feel closer to the dog than i have felt to most people these past few weeks.

i’m lonely. yet another odd statement to make. i’m lonely, i go to work and i am huddling at my desk with yet another pile of unfinished business; my boss guarding the front of my cubicle, my pseudo boss the back, and 2 other people who are keenly aware of how i feel but don’t care enough to disagree, flanking the sides. its like a death trap.

lunch comes and i say yes sometimes to off-island rendezvous, lunching in groups, disappearing amidst the chatter. i smile and say i feel sad, tired, stressed and nobody believes me. that’s how i have always been. when i smile people stop noticing how unhappy i am inside.

lunch ends and i go back to my cubicle. with nobody to distract me i either concentrate on eliminating my to-do’s or watch the minute and second hands intently; either way, time passes and when the clock strikes, i pack what’s left, with a promise of what i’ll do that night at home, to make up for the dilly dallying i do at work

it, of course, never happens. those 4, 5 hours of time locked in my room – that is the conscious i crave. i look at my walls, i listen to this sad music, i want all those good things to last forever. how do you … feel lonely… yet like being alone?

in my head, life is hard. life is harder than it is suppose to be. i have a repertoire of excuses on why things don’t work, and i have none of the passion i used to have to make things happen. years of living and remarkably, i finally understand, why people stop feeling, why people stop believing.

because what is the use of it? we are all minute parts of a system, these human components, this composite, we work towards something that none of us can agree on or even ascertain. my life as it is is nothing like what i’d imagine myself doing.

but, i take solace in the fact, that at least, i am still thinking about me.