major epiphanies

today i had the grand epiphany of realizing that the reason why i hurt the people i love is because people i love hurt me. hurt me like it doesn’t matter what i do or say to them, like all the effort i put towards keeping them happy isn’t good enough and is insignificant. so i hurt them to show them i am capable of causing them pain. i am vehement, vengeance is my middle name, i am so spiteful, it would amaze me if hurt did not render me a person of complete nonchalance.

today i am feeling like no one really loves me, and no one ever really will. not even my mother, who has done nothing but beat the shit out of me since i was a kid, making me wear clothes to cover my wounds so no one would say anything about them, caused the long scar on my arm that i was so shy to show for most of my teenage years, doesn’t respect what i want in life and has always pushed me to things i don’t ever want to do but i do them anyway because i love my family, and then turn around and hit me when i am not happy that i am doing them

i have been characteristically cruel about my paternal grandmother, and in retrospect, she always shielded me from my mother’s beatings. i think i am wrong to think that she was a bad person, because even though i was bad, she never took me for a beating bag, hitting me whenever she was frustrated, beating me harder when i cry, buying more and more things to beat me with whenever i childishly buried them in deep holes i dig in gardens far away. why do i keep make excuses for people i care about, when i know that the only reason why i am soo desperate in asking for their attention is because they don’t really care?

its just a vanity, when someone says they love me, they want to think that its true, but only i know whether it really is. if you love someone will you really create more emotional trauma for him or her when she is already screaming at her own family to leave her be? will you just half listen to stuff that she says? force her to do things she doesn’t want to? doubt her at every turn? wouldn’t someone who loves you know when it is a good time to put your feelings before theirs… especially if it is about something as stupid as a game… i always thought so, and for the longest time, i was like that too, until i got hurt, then i stopped.

and thinking back now, i realized, that this is a core phenomenon in my life. even while my mother beat me to shit, whenever she ran away from home, i was miserable. i cried for her, i looked for her, i longed for her even though i knew, when she saw me, she would not be happy. its the same isn’t it, with me and men? even though they don’t want me, and it hurts to know it, to feel it, i still stay.

i ask myself today, if love is something i have always wanted in my life, is it worth it if it leaves me in tears and makes me feel alone most of my life?

i think maybe i finally have the answer. cos today i realized, not even my own family loves me. i might be better off jumping off this building. and actually, since now i am not even experiencing any hysteria, just this numb all too sadly familiar feeling of being broken, that possibility seems more of a natural conclusion than an emotional one.

4 responses to major epiphanies

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    October 3rd, 2014 at 5:14 pm

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