12
July
(2010)



big rant

im hoping this makes me feel better but i am not optimistic.

i am so tired that i cannot see. i am squinting in order to use whatever working vision i have left. its like i have severe astigmatism. my optometrist said that stress amplifies the effect, which would make sense since i am REALLY stressed right now.

my only distraction now comes in the form of the dog who smells like shit. since JJ was snatched back by those cunts, we got a new dog, “wang wang” who cannot even understand when we call her name. i have been trying to train her in between working like a strung out, hormonal psychopath who can’t quite keep her wits about her long enough to make a concentrated prolong layoutting session. must take breaks every hour or i feel stuck. 5 minutes with the dog seems to relax me enough, and i think i taught her how to sit today. but the end result is she doesn’t quite love me as much as she fears me.

everyone is maddeningly indulgent or excessively stupid. but in this sweeping blanket statement of mine, i find it uncomfortable to confess in public, as i don’t even seem to be capable of being dependable. i think its so himiliating that i have been asked to do good by many many people and i don’t feel like i have the skill and talent it takes to be a responsible, disciplined workforce of the general public. i have always thought – DUDE! i do not wanna be ONE OF THE SHEEP… and it just seems like that’s a sad excuse for being UNABLE to be part o the crowd. i just don’t agree. i just dont .. fucking agree with anything that they believe in.

befuddling. thats what this is. in the absence of a office job i have become unproductive and lazier than before. my room is a mess. i let things SIT on the floor. when there is anything on my bed, i just push it off. i don’;t LIKE who i have become, i don’t LIKE being awake at weird hours and doing stuff that no one gets. i don’t LIKE feeling so fat and yet when lunch time  comes i just call for takeout or starve cos i wanna finish some stupid work that some idiot somewhere increased the trouble of production by cutting the timeline way too short. i DON’T LIKE KNOWING THAT I WAS ONE OF THOSE TWATS who kept on procrastinating and made designers UNHAPPY and rushing them. i DON’T LIKE ME

i don’t think i have hated myself more than i do now

every day, instead of finding a reason to live, i just accept that my state is a natural reality of everyone my age. it is to either accept that you must be a corporate dog in order to exist in Singapore, or just to forget about and sit restlessly at home, making an adequate living, through the generousity of my parents who has allowed this 25 (and you really wanna be honest, 26) year old to live like this in the house

this day, this age, this woman, i am today, i am saddened by the lack of DISCIPLINE and shit grasp of REALITY. why do i insist on foolish romantic notions, why can i not accept that what i ask for, what i WANT is TOO MUCH?

or, if thats not the case, if it is not too much, why do i sit in idleness, in ennui, to resign myself to a stagnant life, than to persue it fully?

its just cos im a dumb bitch who should just die.




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