Archive for August, 2010


01
August
[2010]


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miss wang gets her first haircut


wang wang turned 3 months old in august; its been a month since we got her and she is still stubborn as fuck -_-. doesn’t listen, likes to take a shit all over the place, pees whenever she is out of the pen, cries when she is left alone, bites everything (including my hair!) …

but for all her mischief, the household is brighter when she is around. tremendously cheery, rowdy – its like we got a baby sister! i can’t help but think sometimes that if someone else had bought her, she would have been returned or abandoned for sure – her temperament is too displeasing for a pet! as it is, though, she & us = ♥.

she’s my newest model and cutest model though, i have hundreds of photos with her!

08
August
[2010]


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09
August
[2010]


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falling in love with iphone.. once more

on sunday, i figured out something epic: you can jailbreak your iphone through the BROWSER!

while this is probably old news to most people, this was a complete surprise to me. the last, first and only time i had jailbroken any of my iDevices was a bit of a hassle, witn ipwnage tool and redsnow being difficult with me. and when it was done, i awaited eagerly to experience my ipod the way all the cool kids did…only to be bewildered by how SLOW it was.

so i gave up, went back to stock iOS, and never looked back.

but on the fateful sunday night, when my iphone bricked itself (fucking itunes), my eminent discovery of jailbreakme.com came into powerful play.

not only did i upgrade my phone smoothly to iOS4, i also managed to jailbreak my phone in under 3 minutes, i also spent an entire day filling it up with apps that i would have never bought without trying first through installous (some of which i did purchase from the store legally because they were just too well done) and am now obsessed with mobile gaming.

i am soooo in love with my iphone now, with its epic tweaks that i do not care that it is slower (probably because of iOS4). JUST LOOK AT IT:

Picnic theme from 2008 - bigboss repo - winterboard theme

IS IT NOT SO FUCKING CUTE. i cannot stop touching the damn phone now. i am so enamoured, that i even made a phone dock for it:

F for fail

which, of course, was promptly replaced by a paper dock which looks wayyyy cooler and sleeker:

paper dock

to be honest, after spending this much time flourishing my iphone and being throughly excited with how it is right now, i am not craving for the iphone 4 so much any more. instead, i want an iPad. SOO BADLY. so i can do all this all over again with a bigger, better interface! at this point, i don’t really care that if i get an iPad i would need to carry the phone, laptop and ipad around with me.. i just want one to hack and play with XD

11
August
[2010]


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starcraft, sotis & sci-fi

my love for sci-fi has been duly rewarded and indulged in of late: with the new starcraft out, nobody cares about aion anymore (plus with the shitty management they have going on there and the continuous show of befuddling incompetence, its a wonder if they don’t lose half their player base after July), and the funniest thing is, while i have been logging on to starcraft2′s bnet, i haven’t really been playing starcraft. i have been playing SOTIS – Storm of the Imperial Sanctum:

wasn’t ever really a big fan of dota but i am totally addictd to SOTIS >_> it must be the sci-fi theme, which i am a sucker for. i can’t count the number of times i have watched a movie just because it fell into the “sci-fi” genre – i am always desperate for some uber epic sci-fi drama!

Splice

which is why, when i saw that Splice was out on DVD, i immediately asked yyx to watch it with me – even though it was categorized under “horror” as well (I AM SCARED OF HORROR MOVIES).

yyx put it well – turns out it was more creepy than horror, though. reallllllllly creepy, sickening (but not as entirely tasteless as the human centipede) and definitely worth the time. and i am really surprised that the spliced creature, Dren, looks so different from the real actress

(i also just caught inception on sunday with R, but since we missed the first hour, and got confused to bits, i still really want to watch it again!)

new blog skin!

haven’t watched a movie with yyx in a while so i am really grateful for the 1.5 hrs i got with him today. we were going to fall asleep together but i had a pounding migraine, and despite trying to fall asleep for close to 2 hours, i could not. giving up, i came on to the PC and did some epic reskining to my evergreen basic wordpress theme and came up with this yummy layout. and now i am on a uber blog kick – i realized i didn’t post so much because i was really unsatisfied with the way my blog looked, but was too lazy and fidgety to recode everything since the structure here is really sound and fits most of my needs (2 years and counting says something). so, borrowing one of my newer ideas’ graphical elements, i reworked the base and now, i have to say, this is my FAVOURITE iteration of my blog. love it to bits!!!

i think i am going to do some retro blogposts, so i can kinda fill in the spots where i have slacked off. there’s a lot of stuff to post, and if nothing, i really could just post pix. :O)

i am really tired now though. musttt sleeeeeeeep.

12
August
[2010]


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pissed off

some people just never learn their lesson. i have only told him a million times before again and again i don’t like to feel like a burden on anybody, and still he comes up with creative phrases like “i can’t always babysit you” or just blame mememe when things dont go his way….FUCK YOU

im now at the point of emotional peak where i could either burst into tears or tear the skin right off him out of anger, whatever did i do to deserve this kind of abuse is unknown to me. i thought i was a catch? do people shit on their catches and make them feel like crap all day long?

i am so stupid. every time he says he will change, he will do something different, he never does. and i thought of all the people i might love he would be the one who is different, who will pass his own judgment. what is that, that we should always judge people by their ACTIONS and not their words? then how do i judge your ACTIONS, how do i judge how YOU ACT? how many more sorry’s do you think i am going to take?

how many more times can i slap myself mentally and call my suspicions paranoia, quell my own fears my own way, pick myself up when you throw me down, stop myself from crying when i want to, look up when i’m about to drown?

we’ll find out soon enough.

17
August
[2010]


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19
August
[2010]


the shape of comfort

i barely know how to begin.

gummy playing on my desktop and i feel okay, i guess. i am sad, there are tears, but there are really very few words. there is so little need to articulate how i feel any more. it comes, and sometimes, it won’t go away, but i am mostly able to ignore it, put on a fake smile, repress any sort of unhappiness, and be reasonably neutral.

yesterday he mentioned that me calling him multiple times in the morning to wake him up, being worried and at my wits’ end for 2 and a half hours is very “wife-like” and deserves a reward.

i don’t want his rewards. i don’t want objects of affections to be rewards for “not failing”. its all natural. the worrying, the missing, the way i feel when i think about his face as he sleeps serenely.

the palpitations that come from loving him.

i just want them back in return.

i know him well, i know this. yesterday i had a long conversation with cirque about the circumstances of being here, being his. what he is, who he is, why he does the things he does. it surprised me but i described him, his attitude and his life effortlessly. and i resign to knowing that, as much as some of what and who he is upsets me, i can’t ask him to change. he has to recognize himself, that those things make me sad, and then realize, that if he does love me, he will change. he will look and find himself needing to.

and until then, any requests that come from my mouth are pointless and bound to be disappointed… but that’s okay. because  i feel so lethargic, that being angry and upset, they need to be foreign feelings to my entity. they need to go away. so rather than asking, expecting, i have chosen to keep silent

right now, i just miss him. i miss feeling like i have him. and i can’t describe what made me feel this way, i just know that more often than not now, i don’t feel that way any more. and its painful, but i am using all the patience that i have in my blood, to wait for him to be mine again. to fall asleep with him and feel complete.

to see that the shape of comfort is us. just once more. that’s all i want. because he means so much to me, he made my life go from horrible to pleasant, and in the aftermath of my last heart-broken state, and in view of every one else i have ever claimed to love, i have not wanted a person like i want him and i want, just want this, just want it even if it is for the last time in me and him, to see the shape of comfort is us – is him – JUST ONCE MORE. so i can keep it as a precious memory, to my grave, and knowif nothing else, at least we were together and once upon a time, i found somebody who completed me. to see me and know that i am everything he needs, as i see him and know that he is everything i want and need.

i know he can because he has before.

and i am waiting for him to do it… just once more.

21
August
[2010]


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22
August
[2010]


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FUCK U AND FUCK HER TOO

24
August
[2010]


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room & life changes


i’ve struggled for a really long time to make this post; not quite sure why since this is pretty much a huge defining moment in 2010 for me – CLEANING UP MY WARDROBE!!!

i know it sounds stupid, and i understand how this can be seen as ditzy, but after living for so long i realized something totally fundamental about my life: the state of my mind is the state of my room. the clutter, disorganization, infinite storage problems, frequent displacement of things – an inability to locate my stuff, leading me to buy moar shit, and finding myself running out of space to keep them in – that’s how it has always been.

and when my room becomes the battlefield of my wordly possessions, i start to lose my ground and question myself. what’s wrong with me? how is it that this tiny room of mine can spiral into such insane chaos – how can i expect myself to take charge and keep order in my life, if i cannot even reign over and keep order in this small space of mine?!

after all, my room is my sacred place. it is where i finally found privacy, having spent 12 years with all the other 5 members of my atomic family in a room at the old house, getting my own bed and my own room was the best part of my childhood. this is where i learnt a many great things, mugged over countless advanced level classes, wrote a gazillion words worth of essays, cried over broken hearts, laughed with friends, got drunk, got angry, got happy – it is where i grew up, and grew into who i am today.

which is why, it has always been so therapeutic to clean it. but try as i might, cleaning it is an infinitely easier task than keeping it clean. it is truly my personal struggle. & since half of my room IS made up of my fucking clothes, the problem ultimately was my ever expanding, perpetually disappointing wardrobe.

about 3 weeks ago, i made the decision to take control of the situation and cure this problem ONCE AND FOR ALL. it took me about 3 days, as i sat amidst my jeans & cardigans & t-shirts & dresses & blouses & skirts – and it still goes on today, but it HAS BEGUN. i threw away over half of my shit, 3/4 of my clothes, and i stacked everything worth keeping into places where i always know to look into. what’s important about all this is is how MUCH JOY it has brought to my life. i am at peace. i am happy! i know where everything is, and i find keeping it this way incredibly easy.

having reduced my wardrobe to its current size, i am eager to keep it as organized as it and i am finding this completely effortless. gone are the days when i come home and throw my clothes into a laundry basket that might as well be a bottomless pit, since clothes that go in there become forgotten & never worn again. gone are the days where i panic & look everywhere for stuff i wanna wear, only to give up, getting frustrated as i ran out of time, and i ended up in the same shit that i always wear. gone are the times when i dreaded being asked out because of all the scavenging  i would need to do in order to be ready!!

now its as easy as opening up my wardrobe, looking at my shelves, and being totally aware of what i do and do not have.

its sooooooo fucking awesome. and i am so proud of myself for getting here in the first place. i make my bed every day now, i lay in bed and look around and am astounded – so this is where i live. and i love it. and i want it to ALWAYS be like this.

because, in the past, when you walk in here, and you see nothing but disorder &  disaster, that’s who you saw me as – this crazy mess who had no control over her life – and that’s not who i wanna be. THIS here today, my room here today, is who i am – no disarray, no eyesore, fright, or monstrosity of disorganization – just this eclectic mix of things that are contradictory, amusing and me.

and i always wanna be this way.

okay and now here is a stupid ass video about my wardrobe.i mostly made it because i haven’t made a video before on my mac and i wanted to try it. :p

29
August
[2010]


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epic awesome room

my to do for this week:

- leave feedback for super nice sellers

- review of online shopping blog post

- certificate design

- invoice for last job

- commence new job (to call client by weds >_>)

- restock my cotton pads because i actually used 3 boxes in 3 months..hmm.. but its so good!!!!!

- fill up my prescriptions >_>