the shape of comfort

i barely know how to begin.

gummy playing on my desktop and i feel okay, i guess. i am sad, there are tears, but there are really very few words. there is so little need to articulate how i feel any more. it comes, and sometimes, it won’t go away, but i am mostly able to ignore it, put on a fake smile, repress any sort of unhappiness, and be reasonably neutral.

yesterday he mentioned that me calling him multiple times in the morning to wake him up, being worried and at my wits’ end for 2 and a half hours is very “wife-like” and deserves a reward.

i don’t want his rewards. i don’t want objects of affections to be rewards for “not failing”. its all natural. the worrying, the missing, the way i feel when i think about his face as he sleeps serenely.

the palpitations that come from loving him.

i just want them back in return.

i know him well, i know this. yesterday i had a long conversation with cirque about the circumstances of being here, being his. what he is, who he is, why he does the things he does. it surprised me but i described him, his attitude and his life effortlessly. and i resign to knowing that, as much as some of what and who he is upsets me, i can’t ask him to change. he has to recognize himself, that those things make me sad, and then realize, that if he does love me, he will change. he will look and find himself needing to.

and until then, any requests that come from my mouth are pointless and bound to be disappointed… but that’s okay. because  i feel so lethargic, that being angry and upset, they need to be foreign feelings to my entity. they need to go away. so rather than asking, expecting, i have chosen to keep silent

right now, i just miss him. i miss feeling like i have him. and i can’t describe what made me feel this way, i just know that more often than not now, i don’t feel that way any more. and its painful, but i am using all the patience that i have in my blood, to wait for him to be mine again. to fall asleep with him and feel complete.

to see that the shape of comfort is us. just once more. that’s all i want. because he means so much to me, he made my life go from horrible to pleasant, and in the aftermath of my last heart-broken state, and in view of every one else i have ever claimed to love, i have not wanted a person like i want him and i want, just want this, just want it even if it is for the last time in me and him, to see the shape of comfort is us – is him – JUST ONCE MORE. so i can keep it as a precious memory, to my grave, and knowif nothing else, at least we were together and once upon a time, i found somebody who completed me. to see me and know that i am everything he needs, as i see him and know that he is everything i want and need.

i know he can because he has before.

and i am waiting for him to do it… just once more.



one response to the shape of comfort

  1. hacker typer neo Says:
    June 22nd, 2015 at 10:02 am

    hacker typer neo

    the shape of comfort


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