18
September
(2010)



me & my flowers

DSC_1105

about a month ago, mom made me throw away my first bouquet from yyx and it made me tremedously upset. said it made my room stink, which is totally untrue, but even if it were, i am not sure why she gives a crap since its MY room. i did dispose of the poor dried bouquet though – even if i hate to admit it, i live under her roof and thereafter, her rules. and as i am an adult, i will honour my responsibilities & obligations to her.

the thing about those flowers is they are signifiers of a better time between him and me, when we had good communication, secrets weren’t afoot, trust was a given, intimacy was natural & the rough times were opportunities for bonding instead of events where we grew apart. so throwing them away, was like punching a hole in my heart, asking me to give up on things that meant so much to me.

mom told me, that part of my problem is, i hold on to things for too long, too much – and the flowers were a literal manifestation of that problem.

i disagree. i think that i love things because they need to be loved, i want to keep things because otherwise there is too little meaning in them.

i told yyx how it made me feel, when mom made me throw away the flowers. but i guess i didn’t really convey the kind of depth it had, in meaning, because at that time, i was finding it harder & harder to get through to him.

asking for presents from the boyfriend, is a growth of self. you see, i have always had problem asking for anything in life. when i was little, i would have problems getting off a bus because i didn’t know how to ask someone to make way for me. i would rather suffer a stuffy cab than to ask the driver to roll down the windows, talk to someone with bad breath with my breath held than to walk away from them – and so on.

but recently i have been asking for presents from yyx. things like flowers, sometimes lingerie, and that tokidoki thing – on the surface, it looks like i am becoming progressively more materialistic – but really, its more than that. i think, i have grown to a comfort level, where i can whine and gripe and be somewhat shameless – and now, asking for things. that’s something i have never done with anyone else in my entire life.

i had never gotten that comfortable before. and now i have. and i am thankful that its with him.

so now he knows, i like mango bubble tea and knick knacks that are cute and flowers ALWAYS make me smile. and while my favourite colour is green, i’ve been on a pink kick of late. i am not afraid to be frivolous and shallow, admit that i like shiny things, and not have to pander to any image of me that is just too dignified. i can be, unapologetically, me, and i think, i really really think, he gets it

anyway, back to the title photo of this post – since i’m kinda on my period, my mood has been sour and unpredictable. to cheer me up, baby got me some flowers out of the blue, and i was really, really smiley when i got them. ESPECIALLY because they are PINK & ORANGE, just like my recently dressed blog! i thought it was such a nice coincidence if nothing else. :XO:

he really does care about me. i need to remember that, and not jump to so many conclusions, and i do try, but sometimes it gets hard, because i am, after all, only a girl, and only want to be, the centre of his universe, heart and head, but of course, that is incredibly preposterous. if you want to get down to it, for someone who has a life & things to do in it, we’re as good as it gets. he cares. he cares & i care too.

and just for the record, things between us are great now. :)




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