hikari

i miss my laptop so much.

i need to get it fixed. think the psu died. not even sure if it is the lappy that is broken as it blacked out one day and kinda sent it to eternal fuckethedness.

i miss lying in bed and writing so so so so much

sis went to uk again. i encouraged her to stay for a long time as opposed to a short time, knowing that while absence makes the heart fonder, reality is best cooked like a stew – a prolonged stay with someone you love will only bring out his flaws and irritate you more than endear you – then, truly, absence will become a relief rather than a stinging reminder of your loneliness

lonely is an adjective i have come to use on myself often now. there is the eternal loneliness, the kind that makes you feel like you are alone, no matter who claims to love you, no one understands you – every hiccup, every inane argument, is a diminutive reminder of how innately L O N E L Y i am

nobody understands me, sometimes i wonder if i understand myself.

who wants to feel alone. who wants to sit there and wonder why your partner says the things he says to you. about anything, everything, stupid shit like “are you even thinking”,  while i struggle to articulate my failures, not even close to verbalizing what difficulties i have and that frustration reaches boiling point – its a yell i have to restraint, a silent scream i have come to bear, knowing that the only solution to the problem is separation. the aftermath is baking in alcohol and music, then a sudden realization as the symbolic loneliness becomes actualized and you have no choice but to recognize, no matter how lonely you may be, it beats being alone.

i hate that part of myself. that wayward wondering that works in a depressingly downward spiral fashion – knowing what you have is not what you want and what you want is not what you can get, knowing what you have is what far better than what you have ever had. i know it all.

i am so self absorbed. its pathetic.

not too long ago i would sing leona lewis’ “run” and he would be rapt with attention.

i miss that.



one response to hikari

  1. 4k tv sony xbr Says:
    September 26th, 2014 at 7:18 pm

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