24
January
(2011)



its one of those days

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one of those days that seem to occur more and more

i need to speak to you, but you aren’t there

i need to reach you, but you are not around

all this desperation, all this repetition, is just a plea

to hear that you love me in your voice

to see that you miss me in your face

tell me, how is it, i am expected to keep my sanity

there is nothing here that i have, that i had, that i can keep

who i am today is lonely, who you expect me to be, is alone

and that is all i am all day, all week, all month

in this time, i have thought it again and again

they say, if you are not happy, then don’t stay

there is nothing left to keep, except the hope, that this is a circumstance beyond your control

and i want to believe, but even i am not naive enough to think this is true

but again, and again, and again, i am the bottom of the list,

i am the last priority

wake up at 6am, you are not there,

wake up at 7am, you are not there,

wake up at 12pm, you log off 1 hour ago

i want to hear, baby i am sorry,

baby i miss you

baby i want you

baby i wish i had you

baby i love you so much

but i hear,

sup i gtg

sup i have class

sup i am so tired

sup i passed out for 20 hours

i said, a long time ago,

the kind of love i have for you

is the kind that doesn’t need you to be around  to exist,

but i was wrong,

without you around i am lonely,

without you around i am afraid,

without you around i cry because i don’t know where you are

literally.

and too, literally, i am not on your mind

and yet whenever i speak of these fears, all i hear, is an irritation in your voice,

to get over it, to forget it

i want to scream out loud, if you only knew, the kind of scream i have been holding inside

tell me, am i not good enough>

have i been so bad?

all these months before, and all these months ahead

i can only see myself, doing the same thing i have been doing for so long

waiting

just waiting

just waiting for you

waiting for the day

except i do not know now, what i am waiting for

am i waiting for your weekends? for you to come home?

because you never tell me when you are around, only tell me you are when you have to go

am i waiting for the day your semester ends, and you go home?

because then, you will simply go party and forget about me, as you did before

am i waiting for the day you graduate, and you get a career?

because then, i will simply be irrelevant to your life

what am i waiting for?

can somebody tell me?

tell me, how do i quell my fears,

how do i silence my despair

inside me, it is just an abyss of pain and worry and paranoia

inside me, is just an earnest wish, that i never made silly wishes, never had silly hopes, never ever met you

because today, i am suffering

every day, i have been suffering

for you, i have suffered for months now,

for every time you go to school, and again and again, you choose to indulge in games, in others,

i am just an accessory to your life, never the focus

because to ask to be the focus, requires you to give up all that you want, all that you like,

its me, its me, i am selfish,

i am old,

i have no more youth to squander,

but to be with you, for you to expect me to deal with this constant absence,

you are asking me to leave my life in your hands

because my prime is over,

i gave what little i had of it, to you

and please, dear god

i wish for the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind,

please, dear god, make me forget how much i want that romance

because today i know, i cannot help the person i love,

i am no asset to your life,

i have no merit to add to your existence,

i don’t belong.

thats why you are never around.

thats why you never answer your phone when i call.

thats why i am always the last thing on your mind, although, now, it seems like i am not even on it any more.

thats why i cry.

you can say all these logical reasons,

but the truth is, if you even understood, if you knew, if you just used your heart over your head for once with me today,

you will see how much i am falling apart for you

wake up

dont waste my youth any more

if you cant love me, write me love letters, if you have no more energy to just show me

that you still have me in your heart

then let me go

tell me to leave

close the door on me

never answer me again

my poor haggard life and heart

cant take any more loss

cant take any more longing

cant take any more sadness

i have told you before,

that i wish to end my life

it is not to make you stay,

i just wish you to know

how empty,

this void

of living

feels like

but please tell me

when will you stop being away,

when will you stop being nowhere to be found

we both know

my threats to leave you dont work

we both know how much my heart belongs to you

you have the upper hand

but please have the kindness in you

to be merciful

and take good care of my pathetic heart.

there’s not much life left to it already.

and i don’t know, i don’t think i know how to keep it alive any more

because its 3pm and i still cant reach you

because you will wake up for your study group but you cant get up a little bit earlier to listen

because every other person on earth can call you and you will answer,

but when weissie calls you just hear “please leave a message”

tonight is just one of those days where i really don’t know how to stop crying

because IT HURTS

NEOMU APPA

I AM JUST A GIRL

BEGGING YOU TO PLEASE

PLEASE

PROTECT ME FROM THIS

PROTECT ME…HELP ME.. SAVE ME

I DON’T WANT TO EXIST IN THIS LIMBO OF PRETENDING I UNDERSTAND

AND THE EMOTION OF FEELING NEGLECTED BEYOND REPAIR

BECAUSE

IT

HURTS

SO

MUCH

it hurts so much to know i am just a negligible part of your life, if i am even part of it anymore.



3 responses to its one of those days

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    March 29th, 2011 at 7:33 am

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    March 29th, 2011 at 12:58 pm

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  3. benson Says:
    May 1st, 2011 at 2:52 am

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