instead of speaking in rhymes like i always do i decided i should be upfront about things

since leaving my last work place i have felt a sickening injustice about my life

believing in my personal moral code and principles have seem to get me nowhere.

i came in touch with my peers in the time since and i found myself in even more jaded eyes.

there is envy in the words i had exchanged.

i came back a slightly different person.

i had envisioned a life for me when i was 25;

sadly that life has been nothing near than an illusion, a mirage.

i am not sure what i did wrong, although i am now convinced that i never did anything right.

its times like this that make me look in the mirror and wonder when this all ends,

and whatever the after life is, i would not know, but it surely could not be worse

and lonelier i feel, sadder i become. tears roll and i get emotional; its all too familiar a feeling.

i think this is what they call depression. i feel an insurmountable force in every step of my life, every little detail;

i have given up eating, given up trying

i don’t go out of the house and i don’t leave my room unless i need to pee or shit

often the thought of showering tires me, let alone washing my face, brushing my teeth,

i am afraid to wake up and i always want to sleep

and i feel a disappointment when i open my eyes, knowing that i can’t continue pretending everything is OK

i thought that when people go through a near-death experience they sober up

for some reason i really wish i was killed by the asshole speeding at a zebra crossing

i wasn’t even afraid when it happened, when it came dashing at me

how interesting was it to have a moment of no fear;

instead i walked away with an inconsequential head wound and no excuse for who i am

knowing that whatever happened to me was nothing

no one would be concerned

nobody would say a thing.

and i was right.

why didn’t you just kill me that day god?

i just feel like there is nothing left in this world that i can make better or wants me for who i am

because lets face it

i dont want who i am

blaming people is always fun but i got to look at the facts

i chose to live my life this way; when people who raised me said “no” i said “no” right back to them

i always did what i wanted, what i liked,

so its very strange to see now that i don’t want anything, i don’t like anything

there’s no passion, compassion, interest

just a lethargic need to fill the space between sleeping and waking

the days go on and on and on

every day passes on to another

sometimes i don’t see day time at all, although that is not very strange for me, since at the last job i was working so late that i really never saw daytime except for 5 minutes or so

i really question my decisions. i know part of me is sticking to the guns for speaking my mind and

standing up for people i love and respect

but bearing the price of it has become much too painful

every thing i have done

really

no excuses

has just been mistakes

so i guess its my cross to bear

my problem to be alone

my tears to roll on the face

i am so sick of CRYING

i am so SICK OF THIS

i am so TIRED OF BEING ANGRY AND SAD

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY

but happiness is always FLEETING

it comes in pockets, bursts,

it makes me smile for an hour,

but there are 24 hours in a day

so that’s another 23 to deal with.

i can’t get anything done.

although people who have met me in my better days have been kind to me

and jobs have come in

and money is here and i don’t need to worry about it

i can’t get myself to do the jobs

i only disappoint people who trusted me

who thought i was reliable

im so sorry to every one who has ever given me a chance

i turned out to be a sore disappointment

i always thought that god gave me a brain to think with

but i think i was wrong

i should have just done..

what everyone has told me to do

because everything i have done is wrong.

and that’s why i am this way today.

ain’t nobody’s fault but my own.

so can i die now?

there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a person

something that nothing, no one can help

something i can’t grasp and something i can’t change because i can’t recognise

i just know

nothing about me

is right.

and im ready to raise the white flag

hang up the tower

bring on the noose

somebody help me

anybody

really.

whether to die or live

i do not really care

just want this to be over

just never want to feel this way again

its like ground hog’s day

except way worse

because i am alone.

one response to #3 things

1. kurrier Says:
   September 17th, 2011 at8:57 pm

   you need not worry about the bleakness of it all – it is better than that one-eyed emo-illusive outlook. having a true heart and the ability to actually intellectually think, has its down falls; but there is light at the end of thus tunnel filled with laughter and smiles, i promise you. “always forward motion”.

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