18
December
[2010]


absurd fears and occurences

i have like a shit ton to blog about.

i fixed my laptop about 2-3 weeks ago thanks to the wonderful people at sapura apple, who gave me a free charger since i was still under warranty. superb apple care! yayz!.

since then i have really quite enjoyed surfing while cozy in bed, watching replays close up and chatting with people before dozing off and stuff like that.

having a laptop is a great convenience.

things been quite shitty for me of late. life is like a big pile of horseshit and i dont know what to do with it. they say life gives you lemons, make lemonade, so i guess since life is giving me horseshit i should plant some damn plants?

there’s a lot of problems and i would feel like a broken record if i wrote them all down so i would rather not.

suffice to say, life hasnt turned out the way that i envisioned it, which is a very absurdly common occurence.

why is it so hard to control your own destiny? shouldnt the desire to have it be enough to force it into reality?

well, at least – i got 99 problems but a bitch aint 1.. i guess.

my birthday is tomorrow.

absurd fear that no one will wish me happy birthday.

then who will i QQ to? lol.

to be honest i wouldnt be surprised if no one cares enough.,

wouldnt be the first time

birthdays have always been sordidly depressing for me. being born in dec, just 3 days after my brother’s birthday, i ended up always having to share parties with him, if we even got any – and the guests were always informed that it was my brother’s birthday and not mine, so i ended up getting nothing

yeah! i was a pretty neglected child.

when i became a teenager, birthdays weren’t celebrated by classmates either, since i was born in december, meaning its school holidays when it happens, so nobody from school really cared. for a couple of years in between though, i did have friends who made a big deal out of it, and i felt pretty cool,

nowadays its just something that happens once a year. the only people who tend to make a bigger deal out of it are boyfriends, but of cos i’ll be having none of that this year!

who cares!

its just the day i was born.,

which is probably more of an occassion of regret than celebration.

i hate my life.

29
November
[2010]


hikari

i miss my laptop so much.

i need to get it fixed. think the psu died. not even sure if it is the lappy that is broken as it blacked out one day and kinda sent it to eternal fuckethedness.

i miss lying in bed and writing so so so so much

sis went to uk again. i encouraged her to stay for a long time as opposed to a short time, knowing that while absence makes the heart fonder, reality is best cooked like a stew – a prolonged stay with someone you love will only bring out his flaws and irritate you more than endear you – then, truly, absence will become a relief rather than a stinging reminder of your loneliness

lonely is an adjective i have come to use on myself often now. there is the eternal loneliness, the kind that makes you feel like you are alone, no matter who claims to love you, no one understands you – every hiccup, every inane argument, is a diminutive reminder of how innately L O N E L Y i am

nobody understands me, sometimes i wonder if i understand myself.

who wants to feel alone. who wants to sit there and wonder why your partner says the things he says to you. about anything, everything, stupid shit like “are you even thinking”,  while i struggle to articulate my failures, not even close to verbalizing what difficulties i have and that frustration reaches boiling point – its a yell i have to restraint, a silent scream i have come to bear, knowing that the only solution to the problem is separation. the aftermath is baking in alcohol and music, then a sudden realization as the symbolic loneliness becomes actualized and you have no choice but to recognize, no matter how lonely you may be, it beats being alone.

i hate that part of myself. that wayward wondering that works in a depressingly downward spiral fashion – knowing what you have is not what you want and what you want is not what you can get, knowing what you have is what far better than what you have ever had. i know it all.

i am so self absorbed. its pathetic.

not too long ago i would sing leona lewis’ “run” and he would be rapt with attention.

i miss that.

21
November
[2010]


annyeong goodbye adios

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sis & i had a convo regarding life and career and i professed to having a problem with the job market right now; turns out my confidence in my employability was seriously misplaced and i am not nearly as employable as i was a year ago. having never really seen job hunting as a difficulty before, this new found dilemma has resulted in a staunch humility that i must cure. therefore, a book was purchased, and i will be diligently devouring its sage wisdom to a new job.

one thing: i must not settle for less. i must not cave in to admin jobs and stuff i am not interested in. this time i am following my own career path.

home organization

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an uncluttered mind = an uncluttered room. i was told that a long time ago, along side with some small simple truths like… keep your books in sight because you won’t read what you can’t see and you won’t remember what you don’t use. so i like to keep shit in sight. its really nice to be able to tell where something goes though, instead of absent mindedly chucking stuff into some random recess and then repurchasing said stuff because of inability to locate previous location of stuff. i like this feeling, that when i walk into my room, no matter what state of mess it is in, i can repair it with minimal effort and extreme speed. its been like this since that july revamp and i am superduper happy.