01
September
[2010]


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29
August
[2010]


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epic awesome room

my to do for this week:

- leave feedback for super nice sellers

- review of online shopping blog post

- certificate design

- invoice for last job

- commence new job (to call client by weds >_>)

- restock my cotton pads because i actually used 3 boxes in 3 months..hmm.. but its so good!!!!!

- fill up my prescriptions >_>

24
August
[2010]


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room & life changes


i’ve struggled for a really long time to make this post; not quite sure why since this is pretty much a huge defining moment in 2010 for me – CLEANING UP MY WARDROBE!!!

i know it sounds stupid, and i understand how this can be seen as ditzy, but after living for so long i realized something totally fundamental about my life: the state of my mind is the state of my room. the clutter, disorganization, infinite storage problems, frequent displacement of things – an inability to locate my stuff, leading me to buy moar shit, and finding myself running out of space to keep them in – that’s how it has always been.

and when my room becomes the battlefield of my wordly possessions, i start to lose my ground and question myself. what’s wrong with me? how is it that this tiny room of mine can spiral into such insane chaos – how can i expect myself to take charge and keep order in my life, if i cannot even reign over and keep order in this small space of mine?!

after all, my room is my sacred place. it is where i finally found privacy, having spent 12 years with all the other 5 members of my atomic family in a room at the old house, getting my own bed and my own room was the best part of my childhood. this is where i learnt a many great things, mugged over countless advanced level classes, wrote a gazillion words worth of essays, cried over broken hearts, laughed with friends, got drunk, got angry, got happy – it is where i grew up, and grew into who i am today.

which is why, it has always been so therapeutic to clean it. but try as i might, cleaning it is an infinitely easier task than keeping it clean. it is truly my personal struggle. & since half of my room IS made up of my fucking clothes, the problem ultimately was my ever expanding, perpetually disappointing wardrobe.

about 3 weeks ago, i made the decision to take control of the situation and cure this problem ONCE AND FOR ALL. it took me about 3 days, as i sat amidst my jeans & cardigans & t-shirts & dresses & blouses & skirts – and it still goes on today, but it HAS BEGUN. i threw away over half of my shit, 3/4 of my clothes, and i stacked everything worth keeping into places where i always know to look into. what’s important about all this is is how MUCH JOY it has brought to my life. i am at peace. i am happy! i know where everything is, and i find keeping it this way incredibly easy.

having reduced my wardrobe to its current size, i am eager to keep it as organized as it and i am finding this completely effortless. gone are the days when i come home and throw my clothes into a laundry basket that might as well be a bottomless pit, since clothes that go in there become forgotten & never worn again. gone are the days where i panic & look everywhere for stuff i wanna wear, only to give up, getting frustrated as i ran out of time, and i ended up in the same shit that i always wear. gone are the times when i dreaded being asked out because of all the scavenging  i would need to do in order to be ready!!

now its as easy as opening up my wardrobe, looking at my shelves, and being totally aware of what i do and do not have.

its sooooooo fucking awesome. and i am so proud of myself for getting here in the first place. i make my bed every day now, i lay in bed and look around and am astounded – so this is where i live. and i love it. and i want it to ALWAYS be like this.

because, in the past, when you walk in here, and you see nothing but disorder &  disaster, that’s who you saw me as – this crazy mess who had no control over her life – and that’s not who i wanna be. THIS here today, my room here today, is who i am – no disarray, no eyesore, fright, or monstrosity of disorganization – just this eclectic mix of things that are contradictory, amusing and me.

and i always wanna be this way.

okay and now here is a stupid ass video about my wardrobe.i mostly made it because i haven’t made a video before on my mac and i wanted to try it. :p

22
August
[2010]


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FUCK U AND FUCK HER TOO

21
August
[2010]


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19
August
[2010]


the shape of comfort

i barely know how to begin.

gummy playing on my desktop and i feel okay, i guess. i am sad, there are tears, but there are really very few words. there is so little need to articulate how i feel any more. it comes, and sometimes, it won’t go away, but i am mostly able to ignore it, put on a fake smile, repress any sort of unhappiness, and be reasonably neutral.

yesterday he mentioned that me calling him multiple times in the morning to wake him up, being worried and at my wits’ end for 2 and a half hours is very “wife-like” and deserves a reward.

i don’t want his rewards. i don’t want objects of affections to be rewards for “not failing”. its all natural. the worrying, the missing, the way i feel when i think about his face as he sleeps serenely.

the palpitations that come from loving him.

i just want them back in return.

i know him well, i know this. yesterday i had a long conversation with cirque about the circumstances of being here, being his. what he is, who he is, why he does the things he does. it surprised me but i described him, his attitude and his life effortlessly. and i resign to knowing that, as much as some of what and who he is upsets me, i can’t ask him to change. he has to recognize himself, that those things make me sad, and then realize, that if he does love me, he will change. he will look and find himself needing to.

and until then, any requests that come from my mouth are pointless and bound to be disappointed… but that’s okay. because  i feel so lethargic, that being angry and upset, they need to be foreign feelings to my entity. they need to go away. so rather than asking, expecting, i have chosen to keep silent

right now, i just miss him. i miss feeling like i have him. and i can’t describe what made me feel this way, i just know that more often than not now, i don’t feel that way any more. and its painful, but i am using all the patience that i have in my blood, to wait for him to be mine again. to fall asleep with him and feel complete.

to see that the shape of comfort is us. just once more. that’s all i want. because he means so much to me, he made my life go from horrible to pleasant, and in the aftermath of my last heart-broken state, and in view of every one else i have ever claimed to love, i have not wanted a person like i want him and i want, just want this, just want it even if it is for the last time in me and him, to see the shape of comfort is us – is him – JUST ONCE MORE. so i can keep it as a precious memory, to my grave, and knowif nothing else, at least we were together and once upon a time, i found somebody who completed me. to see me and know that i am everything he needs, as i see him and know that he is everything i want and need.

i know he can because he has before.

and i am waiting for him to do it… just once more.

12
August
[2010]


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pissed off

some people just never learn their lesson. i have only told him a million times before again and again i don’t like to feel like a burden on anybody, and still he comes up with creative phrases like “i can’t always babysit you” or just blame mememe when things dont go his way….FUCK YOU

im now at the point of emotional peak where i could either burst into tears or tear the skin right off him out of anger, whatever did i do to deserve this kind of abuse is unknown to me. i thought i was a catch? do people shit on their catches and make them feel like crap all day long?

i am so stupid. every time he says he will change, he will do something different, he never does. and i thought of all the people i might love he would be the one who is different, who will pass his own judgment. what is that, that we should always judge people by their ACTIONS and not their words? then how do i judge your ACTIONS, how do i judge how YOU ACT? how many more sorry’s do you think i am going to take?

how many more times can i slap myself mentally and call my suspicions paranoia, quell my own fears my own way, pick myself up when you throw me down, stop myself from crying when i want to, look up when i’m about to drown?

we’ll find out soon enough.

11
August
[2010]


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starcraft, sotis & sci-fi

my love for sci-fi has been duly rewarded and indulged in of late: with the new starcraft out, nobody cares about aion anymore (plus with the shitty management they have going on there and the continuous show of befuddling incompetence, its a wonder if they don’t lose half their player base after July), and the funniest thing is, while i have been logging on to starcraft2′s bnet, i haven’t really been playing starcraft. i have been playing SOTIS – Storm of the Imperial Sanctum:

wasn’t ever really a big fan of dota but i am totally addictd to SOTIS >_> it must be the sci-fi theme, which i am a sucker for. i can’t count the number of times i have watched a movie just because it fell into the “sci-fi” genre – i am always desperate for some uber epic sci-fi drama!

Splice

which is why, when i saw that Splice was out on DVD, i immediately asked yyx to watch it with me – even though it was categorized under “horror” as well (I AM SCARED OF HORROR MOVIES).

yyx put it well – turns out it was more creepy than horror, though. reallllllllly creepy, sickening (but not as entirely tasteless as the human centipede) and definitely worth the time. and i am really surprised that the spliced creature, Dren, looks so different from the real actress

(i also just caught inception on sunday with R, but since we missed the first hour, and got confused to bits, i still really want to watch it again!)

new blog skin!

haven’t watched a movie with yyx in a while so i am really grateful for the 1.5 hrs i got with him today. we were going to fall asleep together but i had a pounding migraine, and despite trying to fall asleep for close to 2 hours, i could not. giving up, i came on to the PC and did some epic reskining to my evergreen basic wordpress theme and came up with this yummy layout. and now i am on a uber blog kick – i realized i didn’t post so much because i was really unsatisfied with the way my blog looked, but was too lazy and fidgety to recode everything since the structure here is really sound and fits most of my needs (2 years and counting says something). so, borrowing one of my newer ideas’ graphical elements, i reworked the base and now, i have to say, this is my FAVOURITE iteration of my blog. love it to bits!!!

i think i am going to do some retro blogposts, so i can kinda fill in the spots where i have slacked off. there’s a lot of stuff to post, and if nothing, i really could just post pix. :O)

i am really tired now though. musttt sleeeeeeeep.

09
August
[2010]


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falling in love with iphone.. once more

on sunday, i figured out something epic: you can jailbreak your iphone through the BROWSER!

while this is probably old news to most people, this was a complete surprise to me. the last, first and only time i had jailbroken any of my iDevices was a bit of a hassle, witn ipwnage tool and redsnow being difficult with me. and when it was done, i awaited eagerly to experience my ipod the way all the cool kids did…only to be bewildered by how SLOW it was.

so i gave up, went back to stock iOS, and never looked back.

but on the fateful sunday night, when my iphone bricked itself (fucking itunes), my eminent discovery of jailbreakme.com came into powerful play.

not only did i upgrade my phone smoothly to iOS4, i also managed to jailbreak my phone in under 3 minutes, i also spent an entire day filling it up with apps that i would have never bought without trying first through installous (some of which i did purchase from the store legally because they were just too well done) and am now obsessed with mobile gaming.

i am soooo in love with my iphone now, with its epic tweaks that i do not care that it is slower (probably because of iOS4). JUST LOOK AT IT:

Picnic theme from 2008 - bigboss repo - winterboard theme

IS IT NOT SO FUCKING CUTE. i cannot stop touching the damn phone now. i am so enamoured, that i even made a phone dock for it:

F for fail

which, of course, was promptly replaced by a paper dock which looks wayyyy cooler and sleeker:

paper dock

to be honest, after spending this much time flourishing my iphone and being throughly excited with how it is right now, i am not craving for the iphone 4 so much any more. instead, i want an iPad. SOO BADLY. so i can do all this all over again with a bigger, better interface! at this point, i don’t really care that if i get an iPad i would need to carry the phone, laptop and ipad around with me.. i just want one to hack and play with XD

08
August
[2010]


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01
August
[2010]


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miss wang gets her first haircut


wang wang turned 3 months old in august; its been a month since we got her and she is still stubborn as fuck -_-. doesn’t listen, likes to take a shit all over the place, pees whenever she is out of the pen, cries when she is left alone, bites everything (including my hair!) …

but for all her mischief, the household is brighter when she is around. tremendously cheery, rowdy – its like we got a baby sister! i can’t help but think sometimes that if someone else had bought her, she would have been returned or abandoned for sure – her temperament is too displeasing for a pet! as it is, though, she & us = ♥.

she’s my newest model and cutest model though, i have hundreds of photos with her!

12
July
[2010]


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big rant

im hoping this makes me feel better but i am not optimistic.

i am so tired that i cannot see. i am squinting in order to use whatever working vision i have left. its like i have severe astigmatism. my optometrist said that stress amplifies the effect, which would make sense since i am REALLY stressed right now.

my only distraction now comes in the form of the dog who smells like shit. since JJ was snatched back by those cunts, we got a new dog, “wang wang” who cannot even understand when we call her name. i have been trying to train her in between working like a strung out, hormonal psychopath who can’t quite keep her wits about her long enough to make a concentrated prolong layoutting session. must take breaks every hour or i feel stuck. 5 minutes with the dog seems to relax me enough, and i think i taught her how to sit today. but the end result is she doesn’t quite love me as much as she fears me.

everyone is maddeningly indulgent or excessively stupid. but in this sweeping blanket statement of mine, i find it uncomfortable to confess in public, as i don’t even seem to be capable of being dependable. i think its so himiliating that i have been asked to do good by many many people and i don’t feel like i have the skill and talent it takes to be a responsible, disciplined workforce of the general public. i have always thought – DUDE! i do not wanna be ONE OF THE SHEEP… and it just seems like that’s a sad excuse for being UNABLE to be part o the crowd. i just don’t agree. i just dont .. fucking agree with anything that they believe in.

befuddling. thats what this is. in the absence of a office job i have become unproductive and lazier than before. my room is a mess. i let things SIT on the floor. when there is anything on my bed, i just push it off. i don’;t LIKE who i have become, i don’t LIKE being awake at weird hours and doing stuff that no one gets. i don’t LIKE feeling so fat and yet when lunch time  comes i just call for takeout or starve cos i wanna finish some stupid work that some idiot somewhere increased the trouble of production by cutting the timeline way too short. i DON’T LIKE KNOWING THAT I WAS ONE OF THOSE TWATS who kept on procrastinating and made designers UNHAPPY and rushing them. i DON’T LIKE ME

i don’t think i have hated myself more than i do now

every day, instead of finding a reason to live, i just accept that my state is a natural reality of everyone my age. it is to either accept that you must be a corporate dog in order to exist in Singapore, or just to forget about and sit restlessly at home, making an adequate living, through the generousity of my parents who has allowed this 25 (and you really wanna be honest, 26) year old to live like this in the house

this day, this age, this woman, i am today, i am saddened by the lack of DISCIPLINE and shit grasp of REALITY. why do i insist on foolish romantic notions, why can i not accept that what i ask for, what i WANT is TOO MUCH?

or, if thats not the case, if it is not too much, why do i sit in idleness, in ennui, to resign myself to a stagnant life, than to persue it fully?

its just cos im a dumb bitch who should just die.

25
June
[2010]


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universal studios singapore


i oc’ed my desktop today
WIN
ITS SO MUCH FASTER NOW
its weird!
D:

got to backdate all these amazing fkn photos i have
cos i oc’ed, i can use lightroom!!!!!!
and i got lightroom 3 so its a blast. i am learning new software again!

grandma passed away peacefully on 23/6/2010. it was a long struggle for her to go, and i am glad she is not around to witness the petty quarrels and mindless squabble her sons are still inclined to have. i have not gone down to the funeral place at all, i am feeling some guilt, but to distance myself away from the madness that ensues from it all…. is much better than to play hypocritical pity party. so its alles klar.

yyx got something that made him very happy. :D

21
June
[2010]


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hmm

cant type chinese

10
June
[2010]


heart2heart with my computer. TOPIC: STOP BEING SO FKN EMO


sometimes i just need an escape and it used to be this writing thing. i find solace in words, i like the rhyme and rhythm, the way things sound in my head, even if i don’t know how to pronounce half of them
actualization is difficult for people with short tongues

so epic. last week was insane drawing millions and millions of pixels worth of shit, typesetting stuff repeatedly, missing deadlines, falling so ill that i can’t stay awake for more than 6 hours a day, struggling to stay alive… and on these two days of rest i was still feeling super sick. i slept for the majority of today again. oh my.

my throat aches :O( i keep coughing but there is no runny nose or bad sinus, just terrible cough… im convinced my parents spreaded it to me. my dad at least cos he was coughing for a month straight.

bf said to drink more oJ so i bought 2 cartons of oJ today.
sigh

i dunno why i stopped writing. i think at first it was cos it seemed like i never had anything good to say, then it became something like i never had anything nice to say…slowly, it became that i do not know what to say. what’s there to say, so much so that i yearn for my thoughts to be set free. these days i prefer them to remain caged, so they don’t run amok in my head, terrorizing any sort of pleasantry that i might be so lucky to still have.

me in writing is so different. there’s a bit more rationality to it, and even when i am emotional i am still somewhat logical about how i feel. instead of wanton bewilderment and absconding reason to sit soaked in my own tears, the devil may care attitude only surfaces when i am feeling a need to be empowered. i am COHERENT. i dont need to compose myself in order to be so. in a way i think i might be better off, if i found my way back there. looking at the old blogs do make me feel like a much stronger person than i have been acting of late.

i dont even know if i owe it to myself, to chronicle my life’s happenings, or to simply write emotionally like i am used to. watching people’s lives advance, i am envious, i wish to be one of them, to actually live in bliss of knowing what tomorrow WILL come, and if life has any surprises it is not due to lack of due diligence, but of uncertain circumstance and happenings

i mean, a girl who is 25, for fuck’s sake, shouldn’t she be a lot less prone to emotional outbursts, to stop dramatizing every bit of how she “feels” like the whole world revolves around it?? i should know, there are bigger things, there are bills to pay, children are dying, and the headlines scream of a self imposed Armageddon that mankind has yet to deign critical. oil spills destroying an entire ocean’s ecolife, technological imperialism backfiring in lieu of suicidal workers, starving children and kids with no future because of a lack of education…

and here, i sit indulgent…
i mean
COME THE FUCK ON
WAKEW THE FUCK UP
THERE’S MORE TO LIFE
THAN YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS
JERMINE TAN
GET OUT OF THIS RUT
DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR
IF YOU EVER GET UPSET
SLAP YOURSELF
AND TELL YOURSELF
THAT NOTHING
CAN HAVE CONTROL OVER YOU LIKE THIS
AND IF YOU TRULY WANT TO LIVE
YOU NEED TO STOP LETTING ANYTHING DO THIS TO YOU
INCLUDING YOURSELF.
AND IF ANYONE MAKES YOU FEEL THIS SHITTY
TO FUCKING HELL WITH THEM

yeah.
that ma anthem,
and now i feel much better. :D

29
May
[2010]


chef weiss

go ahead and pretend that doesn’t make you hungry! kk!

26
May
[2010]


major epiphanies

today i had the grand epiphany of realizing that the reason why i hurt the people i love is because people i love hurt me. hurt me like it doesn’t matter what i do or say to them, like all the effort i put towards keeping them happy isn’t good enough and is insignificant. so i hurt them to show them i am capable of causing them pain. i am vehement, vengeance is my middle name, i am so spiteful, it would amaze me if hurt did not render me a person of complete nonchalance.

today i am feeling like no one really loves me, and no one ever really will. not even my mother, who has done nothing but beat the shit out of me since i was a kid, making me wear clothes to cover my wounds so no one would say anything about them, caused the long scar on my arm that i was so shy to show for most of my teenage years, doesn’t respect what i want in life and has always pushed me to things i don’t ever want to do but i do them anyway because i love my family, and then turn around and hit me when i am not happy that i am doing them

i have been characteristically cruel about my paternal grandmother, and in retrospect, she always shielded me from my mother’s beatings. i think i am wrong to think that she was a bad person, because even though i was bad, she never took me for a beating bag, hitting me whenever she was frustrated, beating me harder when i cry, buying more and more things to beat me with whenever i childishly buried them in deep holes i dig in gardens far away. why do i keep make excuses for people i care about, when i know that the only reason why i am soo desperate in asking for their attention is because they don’t really care?

its just a vanity, when someone says they love me, they want to think that its true, but only i know whether it really is. if you love someone will you really create more emotional trauma for him or her when she is already screaming at her own family to leave her be? will you just half listen to stuff that she says? force her to do things she doesn’t want to? doubt her at every turn? wouldn’t someone who loves you know when it is a good time to put your feelings before theirs… especially if it is about something as stupid as a game… i always thought so, and for the longest time, i was like that too, until i got hurt, then i stopped.

and thinking back now, i realized, that this is a core phenomenon in my life. even while my mother beat me to shit, whenever she ran away from home, i was miserable. i cried for her, i looked for her, i longed for her even though i knew, when she saw me, she would not be happy. its the same isn’t it, with me and men? even though they don’t want me, and it hurts to know it, to feel it, i still stay.

i ask myself today, if love is something i have always wanted in my life, is it worth it if it leaves me in tears and makes me feel alone most of my life?

i think maybe i finally have the answer. cos today i realized, not even my own family loves me. i might be better off jumping off this building. and actually, since now i am not even experiencing any hysteria, just this numb all too sadly familiar feeling of being broken, that possibility seems more of a natural conclusion than an emotional one.

24
May
[2010]


e m o f e i

left shitosa about a month ago and have been flying free on the wings of freelancing! first week after i left the job i signed on to 3 projects. A++

this is the life. i wake up whenever i want, sleep whenever i want, and spend my time according to what i see fit.

consequences are quite drastic though. i swear, this has me feeling like my days are passing without demarcation; but wasn’t this the case when i was a good old traditional office worker?

reflections have been few and far in between of late. the pressure of being in that dreadful cubicle drove me to be emo all day, and truth be told, i thought i would outgrow that negativity when i bounced back to being homebound, but there is still that restlessness that makes me question the value of everything that i had concretely thought of as precious.

soooo much unpleasantryyyyy. WHHHHHHHYYYYYY

btw i am sitting at the back of the family van (yes, we got one now.. haha) and typing.. hm… idk, i must be obsessed with being connected to the internet. its most unhealthy.

new obsessions:
- looking good
- looking oung
- indulging in decorative shit, including the ornamentation of ma face and nails and body
- BAGS!!!!
- being young

and callously i shall now mention that my grandma is dying. eh.

yep. life’s been pretty good to me.

03
May
[2010]


LOL

jermine : hey
jermine : babe
jermine : if we have kids

yyx says: hm?

jermine says: when is the earliest you will send yr kids to school

yyx says: like
yyx says: 7am

jermine says: …
jermine : NO
jermine : LOL
jermine : NO
jermine : I MEAN AGE

20
April
[2010]


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19
April
[2010]


lazy


wrote a lot but ended up deleting it because i hated how whiny and insignificance my life seemed through my words

15
April
[2010]


cos im a super woman


FIRST OF ALL I WOULD LIKE TO SAY I KEEP ALL THE CARDS THAT YYX SENDS ME AND PUT THEM ON MY ~MIRROR MURAL~ SO WHEN I AM DOWN I READ THEM AND I FEEL UP (THUMBSSSSS UP). ALSO, I HAVE ALL THE FLOWER PETALS DRIED UP AND SAVED IN A POUCH. AND I LOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEEEE IT WHEN YYX SENDS ME FLOWERS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS (BARRING MY PYJAMAS) AND MOSTLY BECAUSE IT MEANS HE WANTED TO MAKE ME HAPPY :)

lunchtime
head pounding
thirsty
should walk to the pantry and get meself a cold glass of waters.
but noooooooope
i am not moving!

yyx’s new obsession: pix of me on my iphone (???)
i dont get it
:(

nights are hot
and cold
and hot
and cold
much like how i am
hotttttttt andddddddd cold *katy perry* i am so skipping to that track right now

how can i be 26?
i act like a 12 year old! :(
classic yyx response: “with you dressed like that, you better be”
classic jt response: “uhhh what?!!!!!”
classic pedobear dodge tactic: “LETS PRETEND I NEVER SAID THAT”

$35 well spent… too bad the criss-cross’ come undone
$25 for 30 minutes more with you
i want to cuddle kiss and sex with no end in sight
on and on and on
fuck the CD
i’m down for continuous exploitation

what’s new?
- vagina licking dog who doesn’t know where to shit and pee
- realizing that pissing in the shower is ok with my bf (YESSSS)
- being called a fatty by yyx because i said cookies after he showed me a fat emo girl lul pix :(
- universal studios singapore (yeahlol)
- cousin got married to a guy whose shelves are stuffed with soft toys……….. HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. .. are you serious??? lol
- for a while felt like everybody but yyx hates me :(
- after a while realized they can all go fuck themselves, i never needed them before, i dont need them now
- resorting to quick dirty easy ways to get things done cos im sick and tired of having to be the “CAREFUL” one and have all these problems directed to ME.
- realizing my bro’s new gf is totalllly obsessed with him … but i think my bro only is with her cos she looks a little like his ex…
-friend at work dumped her bf and got a new one in the space of 1 week …i was really shocked… guess even people you like are capable of cruel things
- ive grown very self conscious. and lately, because i havent been taking care of my skin, its been looking very uneven x_O….. i need to start washing off properly.
- birth control pills :\
- chatroulette… stickam…. not very new… but still… something to do i guess…
- hit 50 on aion on my cleric
- aion friends fail… i dont like them…
- pinned a photo of super woman to behind my desk… hehe

28
March
[2010]


j.j

this is how i have always known you but held myself to be exception of. where applicable you exaggerated all attributes of a situation to your advantage, your case. which, as is with any intelligent person, is quite a good stance to take. i applaud you on your argument-wining tactics, but as your opponent, i think you should know, it is exhausting and tests the best of me. i find myself wanting to give up more than i want you to understand me now.

like you, our weekly-turned-daily arguments are tiring me. i have gone to the point where i wonder if, i said goodbye, if you would not jolly well just say goodbye too.

i have my petty emotions and they go out of hand. in situations like these where my eloquence is nowhere to be found, my tongue-tied self has little edge save for stabbing you with whatever blunt point it has left.

i pity me. most of this is an accumulation of my incompetence in the past 6 months. perhaps what is the most tragic of all is how it was never like this.

underlining life with sour feelings and bitterness is not admirable… at all

these quirky circumstances, we have always know, and of me, my pettiness, paranoia, jealousy, rage and sadness roars of an injustice you have grown weary of

i know not why i emphasize so much of how this exhausts you

i think, maybe, because, i would like you to know that i do know, and that it too exhausts me.

—-

the beautiful dog named JJ sits on my kitchen floor whimpering. it’s pissed itself in the wrong place again, and i know its antsy steps and circling meant only one thing – urination – but it just refused to moved to the newspaper pile. i know it odd but i think that it has grown an aversion to the smell of its own pee.

i look at the dog and i know she kinda gets me. i’m the girl who sits on and lets her lick me all over my thighs and feet, a strange obsession she seems to have. 2 days in this family and i already feel closer to the dog than i have felt to most people these past few weeks.

i’m lonely. yet another odd statement to make. i’m lonely, i go to work and i am huddling at my desk with yet another pile of unfinished business; my boss guarding the front of my cubicle, my pseudo boss the back, and 2 other people who are keenly aware of how i feel but don’t care enough to disagree, flanking the sides. its like a death trap.

lunch comes and i say yes sometimes to off-island rendezvous, lunching in groups, disappearing amidst the chatter. i smile and say i feel sad, tired, stressed and nobody believes me. that’s how i have always been. when i smile people stop noticing how unhappy i am inside.

lunch ends and i go back to my cubicle. with nobody to distract me i either concentrate on eliminating my to-do’s or watch the minute and second hands intently; either way, time passes and when the clock strikes, i pack what’s left, with a promise of what i’ll do that night at home, to make up for the dilly dallying i do at work

it, of course, never happens. those 4, 5 hours of time locked in my room – that is the conscious i crave. i look at my walls, i listen to this sad music, i want all those good things to last forever. how do you … feel lonely… yet like being alone?

in my head, life is hard. life is harder than it is suppose to be. i have a repertoire of excuses on why things don’t work, and i have none of the passion i used to have to make things happen. years of living and remarkably, i finally understand, why people stop feeling, why people stop believing.

because what is the use of it? we are all minute parts of a system, these human components, this composite, we work towards something that none of us can agree on or even ascertain. my life as it is is nothing like what i’d imagine myself doing.

but, i take solace in the fact, that at least, i am still thinking about me.

10
March
[2010]


zzzz

1. left work early and got caught by boss; shamelessly waved cheerfully while exiting in slow motion to demonstrate how little i cared.

2. second day in a row i went to work and came back… ALL IN DAY FUCKING LIGHT!

3. this privilege ends tomorrow.

4. i am really upset because i have to go to work in about 5 hours and i kinda did nothing.

5. …

6. WORDS CAN’T EXPRESS HOW FUCKING MISERABLE I FEEL RIGHT NOW

7. HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS SHIT CAN I TAKE??????????????

14
February
[2010]


OPPARU SARANGHAE

  1. when you wake up you do this cute twitchy turn around stretch thing that makes me smile every time
  2. when you squint you look really mad
  3. i dont think i’ve ever had anyone make me laugh at myself as hard as you do and not feel humiliated by it
  4. i love that you let me troll you back every day
  5. sometimes we mess up, but we always make up soon after… and you don’t tend to walk away from me.
  6. you shit talk in your sleep… hahahhaha
  7. i never get bored of looking at your face
  8. when i ask for a kiss in my head, i get one from you!!!
  9. you wake me up every day without fail =)
  10. you lead the way and i’m always happy to follow because i trust you.
  11. and i know, i may seem a little disappointed when you say you know you love me because you trust me, but i know how important this is and what it means for you. and i appreciate it with all my heart
  12. we make mistakes and we learn from it.
  13. we compromise with one another and never feel like we are sacrificing too much for one another.
  14. your infinitely impatient persona takes a backseat sometimes… just for me.
  15. you are so charismatic, but you don’t even know when other people are into you!
  16. i gladly eat the humble pies you bake me
  17. i think i am a better person because of you
  18. and i learn to love myself a lot more because of you
  19. every day gets a little bit easier because i have you.
  20. and i can only hope that you feel the same way too!!!!
  21. i LOVE Y O U.
10
February
[2010]


first of all


these bitches who keep hitting my macbook with their fat asses and bags will die in their sleep tonight.

i can’t believe that chinese new year is coming so soon! and landing on the same day as valentine’s day too?

i’m see really non-schizo advertising for some reason. it’s as if marketing workers in Singapore have forgotten that both of those occasions collide this year and just decided to concentrate on exploiting the shiny chinky town festival.

i’m doing something to mesh up both. its prt cool.

cancelled my aion subscription yesterday. just dont see the point of playing any more. i really just wanted to play with yyx but now that he’s all sorts of pro at a lower level gank dude, i don’t think either of us have time to sit around and level shit to 50. its so depressing that i have to grind HOURS just to get to the fun. plus red army disbanded due to the dumbest reasons on earth; i wrote to NC soft and said that i would not support their game further and i wasn’t kidding.

its always nice to be able to stand behind your own words.

i looked at my finances and realized how poor i am is directly related to how much i spend (GENIUS!) on a whim. i often go out to the mall after work just to relax and stretch my legs out a bit after sitting at the desk for so long, and end up buying all sorts of shit. i think women are genetically predisposed to being financially unsound because i swear, before puberty, i was a super saver. and now… tsk tsk

so i asked yyx to help me figure out how much i can spend a day based on a budget of 250 per week. i’ve got it refined further, to $25, so now i add up everything before i buy it. and when i want something, i think about how much it costs and how many days of NO FOOD NO TRANSPORT it would take to earn it back and i just stop.

so far so good. i spent about $3.90 + $5.85 + $3.50 today. ALL ON FOOD! yum yum.

i’m also looking at my diet and making smarter choices too. instead of accelerating death by irresponsible about what i eat, i thought it might be a good idea to examine my life goals and see if i’m enabling myself through practise.

OMG I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN BRAIN WASHED. but in a totally good way.

wrote my resignation letter today… showed it to my other manager… she was pretty disappointed with my decision; she wanted me to think it over some more, and i thought well, i don’t think i need to. asked my colleagues about the procedure to quit at the place and they said to directly submit resignation to 1st lvl supervisor, and if it doesn’t get cleared i will be asked to go into the office for a “negotiation” process…

i know my direct supervisor already is trying to get me a higher pay but i really can’t take it anymore. i don’t think i want to wait for 2 more months just to figure out what i did or didn’t do right enough to earn my DESERVED salary range.

why should i spend 2 months barely breaking even when i could be making easily as much in just 1 week’s work, with close to zero expenditure?

it was so easy making money as a freelancer. i miss it. :(

08
February
[2010]


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plastic.glass


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02
February
[2010]


epic

spent the entire morning doing nothing. it was epic.
i decided to log in to windows 7 on the macbook and loaded aion, afk crafted all my elemental waters so now i have enough for 500 pots.
i dunno why the office doesn’t have 3G access, its so annoying. came to the gym to sit and type nonsense while farming umblia in the background.
mom called me at about 7pm yesterday and said some nonsense about some amazing movie called “The Secret” and begged me to look for it. its a ‘self-help’ documentary that talks about the power of positive thinking through the context of ‘law of attraction’. apparently, whatever you think about is what you attract into your life!

i should probably start thinking about money.

other than that, its been a pretty cool day of nothingness. i just sat around and copyedited like 3 lines, felt irritated that this rhythm of things isn’t going to change no matter what i do; worst is i actually don’t care anymore. why bother? lol.

31
January
[2010]


slices of life

man i am sooo tired. dunno why i insist on blogging before i retire.

did something a bit more social today. got up early (well, on a sat anyway) to visit grandma in hospital with my dad, mom, uncle and aunt. man it was a squeeze in their tiny little car. so many traffic jams all over the fucking place cos today is thaipusam and i didnt know. good thing = interesting things to see; bad thing = bored as fuck. but thanks to the mercy that is technology, i kept myself entertained with sxephil videos and awesome kpop.

as i sat in the car full of chinese people, glancing out the car window to see a sea of indians and culturally unfamiliar tourists, listening to trippy korean music on a device that was designed in california and made in china, i had this odd realization that our world is truly an extraordinary place.

its funny how things you dont usually appreciate are things that are the most interesting

man my breakfast was sooo beasty. laksa without chopsticks is weirddd. and the sea calms in there was soooo good. sighhh. im hungry thinking about it. and i didnt have dinner! just a bad sammich. ;_;

should probably have another beasty brekkie tomorrow morning.

my face itches.

rawrrrr.

i did some super cool thing to my macbook and made windows 7 run off bootcamp. so now i can play aion while not at home, but its weirddd when i hit the command key accidentally. trying to remap my keyboard is a nightmare in this fkn shit. so i dunno how long its gonna be before i finally acquire a FOURTH set of muscle memory for the windows7OnAMacBookKeyboard. o_O

also, this week i’ve been generally cordial with yyx, and its fun to just chill with him without feeling like shart. nick says its mercury in retrograde but im not feeling it. either my fates have been realigned or this retrograde has always been bullshit.

speaking of nick, i yelled at him massive today. i dont know how else i can get through to him. we have neither reason to live nor die, and it stands clear that what we have is what we must make use of. so i get mad when he talks about death as if it is something he has any right to own. i dislike his attitude towards life; since we’ve parted ways, things have been really awkward. there is always advice i want to give him but i withold; and i wish he could just take a second look at the facts between me and him and realize that we weren’t soulmates and we aren’t meant to be together. i want to be his friend but it gets so hard sometimes.

I NEED FOOOOOOOOOOOD

YYX = DA BEST KKK.

25
January
[2010]


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24
January
[2010]


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exhausted


song of the nao… paperbag:

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think im supposed to feel happy and high like i almost always do from family gatherings but im just gathering dust with my emo self here…lol.

i laughed a fair bit but its loud and rambunctious and hollow

i dont know why i am so exhausted. when the clock hit 10pm i just wished i could lie down and sleep

actually i spent like 3 hours gathering umblia… lol holy shit… waste of my life and time….

tomorrow’s sunday and its that rundown stupidity known as work again…

just one more week.. then another week… then another week…

kids came by and yyx asked my cousin how old she was, and when she said she is “12++” i felt a bit shocked. i’ve known this kid since she was wee big, i had to rock her cradle till she fell asleep, i remember looking after her and when she wouldn’t do anything unless i was around, how she would fall asleep to music and cry when it stopped cos the cd player ran out of battery…

bejeesus.

brain farts ahoy…dunno why but ive been feeling really dumb of late. i need that competitive edge, that sense of urgency that doesn’t derive from incompetion of tasks, i need adrenaline that comes from having true passion and engagement…

think as a marketer im suppose to inspire the above.. how to do so when i barely can muster the energy to register my fate daily. lol.

ahhhhh
ahhhhhhhhh

ahhhhhhhhhhhh…..

why does it have to be sunday tomorrow? i wish i could just stop working for a long time… …..

please god.. let me quit…

feel so miserable when i think about real life.

ok ok.. routine goodstuff/badstuff evaluation

GOOD
1. sharing b&j’s macademia mission with the couzzies
2. watching my mom show off her facebook skillz to her siblings
3. deep&meaningful conversations with papa
4. kristal looking gorgeous despite that wreck of a car accident 5 years ago
5. my fucking awesome macbook (i hate but im listening to music right now and its pretty brill. cant say that for most windoze laptops)
6. its the weekend
7. i had fun on aion with yyx
8. good servicings today
9. i made 2 gigantic yummy sandwiches
10. everybody loves my room and dual monitor set up

TERRIBLE
1. im fat and do nothing but work and play computer games
2. i hate my job and i cant stop whinging
3. i feel like i cant communicate properly anymore
4. my english is fob
5. i feel inadequate
6. dont feel like yyx and i are working towards our future together anymore
7. my iphone is retarded
8. im too lazy

tink good outweighs bad so im still good for a bit

22
January
[2010]


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17
January
[2010]


scrabble post

smile ^^

17
January
[2010]


new camera!


SMEXY. had to write about this because meh, i have an incredulous need to show off sometimes. the samsung st45 is powerfully small and plasticky and 17mm thick which means it will always be in my bag and needs about as much taking care of as a 35 year old millionaire. i looooveeee it. its ok that the photo quality is slightly fail, and the lens is a 35mm pos, but its still smexy as hell. SOOO SMEXXXYYYY.

13
January
[2010]


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11
January
[2010]


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06
January
[2010]


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critically

I CAN’T WRITE

BLOODY FUCKING WRITER’S BLOCK

but yyx says WTB blog, so…i must do as my master says.

maybe it will be better if i write it down in point forms…:

1. i have close to 20 christmas presents i have yet to open o_O
2. my family stole my tote bags which i was using to hold the above o_O they just emptied them out into a paper bag and took them while i was out visiting the doc. sneaky
3. i got a teddy for free :D it is cute, fuzzy and now resides on my bedside table.
4. when i think of inches, i think of cocks. this teddy bear is 8″ long. hmm.
5. i went to the doctor and he was such a retard. i told him what was wrong with me, he wouldn’t listen, said a bunch of shit, said he would give me a SINGLE COURSE OF ANTIBIOTICS, scribbled like 5 other things on the paper, then sent me back to the counter to pick up my meds. and the nurse started giving me shit for cough, flu, muscle relaxants, fever, etc.? and i was like…. there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH ME YET. THIS IS WHY I AM HERE. i know there is something that will blow up soon and i need to prevent it! just give me the fucking shit for my sinuses. wth are you giving me 20 types of medicine?
6. i was madddd. and the nurse took off everything but the biotics course + muscle relaxant, and still the bill came up to be $50. ooookayyy.
7. i miss yyx.
8. i had so much fun with yyx this morning. his little brother is the cutest smartest darndest thing ever. and i like how yyx threatens to beat up his family every 5 minutes o_O
9. but babe, it was not cool to call your sister fat. not cool at all.
10. i got a whole box of chocolates in anticipation of the upcoming period.
11. i had mango bubble tea AND FRIES for dinner. YEAH!!!!
12. ‘what we have is worth its weight in gold’, although this is technically challenging as you can’t really weigh ‘us’
13. we don’t have any more gold, my mom sold them all because the gold prices are high now
14. it will cost me about $300 to visit china. cool!
15. i never want to leave my bed =( its so comfortable
16, i love you
17. i really do
18. why does it mean that we have to be together for me to love you?
19. i could still love you even if you didn’t love me back
20.if there is one person i want in my life forever, it’s you. even if it hurts
21. but when i like some one, i turn crazy, unreasonable
22. i’m still all the good things, but the bad things grow out of hand when i get angry, and i know you won’t like that person
23. which is why the 3 strike policy is quite good. fyi the 3 strikes is just an anger measurement system. im just not allowing myself to be angry until the 3rd strike. that way, you know that i am getting mad, and it doesn’t just ‘suddenly’ hit you like a dude buttfucking you in the back alley
24. am i really that hard to love? i think im really reasonable!!! just give me all your attention, look at me when we are talking, have the courtesy to think about what i may feel even if what you are doing seems alright to you, consider what you want and what it might mean to me, and i think we are usually good to go
25. you on the other hand!!!! are so hard to love sometimes. i want the inside, i saw the inside, that’s why i love you. and your inside is perma-encrypted and always changes passwords so i can’t even get an all-access pass. fuck you!
26. last few points seem like the minutes for our last session.
27. last session was fucking hot. mmm.
28. i like it when you tell me what to do.
29. i hope you don’t forget
30. remember… you can eat whatever you like, but you must ALWAYS HAVE IT WITH PEPPERONI PIZZA!!!!!

04
January
[2010]


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tinker tinker


song of the now: beyonce – scared of lonely

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uhh spent the last hour tinkering with code…I LIKEY MY BLOG’S NEW LOOK! recycled elements are so ftw. i have not used the acronym FTW in a while :| tragedy.

upgraded to wp 2.9 and its giving me SO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE. i can’t login half the time through chrome so i have resorted to blogging on the macbook.cos firefox is really ugly on windows (sorry mozilla but i have always felt that way, i used to only use ff due to speed but now it’s not even half as fast as chrome!!! but no worries, i still have FF on the mac.)

speaking of which, i dont actually really like the macbook. it’s not as fast as one might think (fyi the vista running on the core2duo t7200? fujitsu is faster than this macbook i think…) and the corners cut into my fat arms. me no likeyyyy. plus the keyboard layout is a bitch (on the lab macs we could switch the keyboards layouts here because they were “full” keyboards – this shit you can’t!!!). annnnoooyyyyinnnngggg

i smell like ciggies, went out for din din and drank like 2 glasses of lime juice (WEET!). i feel like a mad pro food hustler. argue with the chef and tell him he sucks and he just gives me complimentary yumyums. A++

blog improvemento:

  • mp3 player for musicoo (can’t figure out how to get it to auto embed via custom field, so i am guessing i need to hardcode this in the plugin, which i REALLY DON’T WANT TO DO..)
  • pretty new bokeh background with colours i loveee (i am weird, shh)
  • bug fixes for the floats, gallery
  • new font (WOOO)
  • ‘list of the nao’ as a rudimentary ‘wish’/'todo’ list

planned blog improvementos (aka ~this will never be done~):

  • better gallery support
  • redesigned footer + header (think its better to seperate the content)
  • less ghey archive pages
  • better “random content” support
  • new logo/header ‘graphic’
  • flash parsing fonts for custom h1 tags (whee…easy but lazy to recode the templates)

i really like this layout. usually i switch every 2 – 3 weeks, but i have stuck with this for a year+!!! i mean, when i first made this blogskin i didn’t expect the years at footer to end up having THREE fucking tabs, holy shart!i have changed the background at leasr 5 -6 times, i still haven’t seen a column based title bar like mine work as good as it does here. so i think i will just stick with this and build on to it. it could be one of those epic blog skins that take 6 years to build, and by the time its finished, its so irrelevant that nobody cares anymore

well, at least until  HTML5 comes out and is popularized, which i think will take at least 2 more years before it becomes the standard. just doesn’t seem like the mainstream browsers will be very consistent with html5 (whats new, lol) so most early adopters will be early experimenters with no functional purposes – whatever functionality probably will be handled through the javascript streams and xml-based interfaces. we’ll see if i am right.. haha

blerggghhh i got so emo today, i thought i just wrote on the FIRST DAY OF THIS YEAR that i will CEASE BEING EMO ABOUT BOYZZZZ but how did i still let someone disarm me and kick me in the arse. so disappointed with how my week end turned out, the vietnamese dj i was hosting broke her promise and made me and my manager sadface. she was suppose to be back in her hotel room by 10am today but she did no such thing >:| being the super devout christian that she is (man her bible was so thick from all the notes she was takin in it LOL, i was mad surprised) she had to stay in church the whole morning despite it being a working trip. bitch should be made to forfeit her entire trip entitlement cos of this. so come mon. i will need to go down and take her around one more stop. i HATE THAT, why do people waste my time! i wanted to get my work done tomorrow. instead, i will just be showing her ass around. and not to mention that i will need to send her off at 3pm, which pretty much means my whole morning will be fully about her. WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!!! WE DON’T EVEN SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE!!!! JESUS!!!

i’m really sad =( working on thursday put me in a blue mood (imagine getting yelled at by angry people on NEW YEAR’S EVE for 6 FUCKING HOURS…) and friday was a blur ‘cos i was asleep most of the day… YYX only came back in the afternoon, then we did some terrible things to one another and i fell asleep again, then he just pzz’ed on me and the next time we spoke he was like blabla plans blabla c u 2 days blabla and i was so flabbergasted ;_;. sat came, spent whole entire day failing on shitosa, and i was really hoping to have at least ONE GOOD DAY before going back to work, but nope. spent 7 hours mopping around waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting… so feddup. thinking about it makes me want to tear. while i was being miserable, i felt like yyx didn’t even give 2 hoots about me (no call no text no message left, just absolute 0) ‘cos come monday will be the worst week ever – my miniboss went on vacation and left me a whole list of things to complete and i am so sure i will not be able to finish anything.

last week was suppose to be vacation but i don’t think i rested much… the times when i wasn’t checking email, i was on aion being bad, and if not i just made a mess of my room everytime i was going to go out. it feels like i have had a shit day for every day of the last 3 weeks and it just extended itself into the 4th week ‘cos of this sunday. i want to SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!! AND PUNCH BABIES IN THE FACE!!!!!

now i remember why last week wasn’t so fantastic – i spent almost every day out o_O chilling and drinking until middle of night…

NOW I KNOW WHY I DIDN’T REMEMBER IT!!!!

I WAS DRINKING!!!!

man!

that’s the secret to not being miserable

bbl beer.

03
January
[2010]


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just try to make the best of every thing


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01
January
[2010]


im so tired that i cant even go to bed

i hurt all over my body and i feel like i might suffocate in my sleep

and this exhaust is driving me insane because apparently when your body is in pain you can’t really go to sleep

last time i felt so abused was when i was in netball training
which fyi was the worst time of my life

today was a logistical nightmare that just reaffirmed the stupidity of my company; i listened to people argue about the technicalities in a way which i could not fathom would ever exist in a wholly intelligent world. ok, scratch that, you dont even need a wholly intelligent world for this to NOT happen. you just have to be reasonably not stupid.

the whole beach strip was littered with crazy and drunk people, i had to run back and forth between barricades and smile and make stupid jokes about right hands and a great new year while fondling with dumb tags and the most insane carpet armhairs i have ever seen (some of those arms felt like carpets…..) while being yelled at by people who were supremely unhappy because of all the waiting they had to do

which i thought was really funny, this one guest had every intent to yell at me but as he looked at my miserable and apologetic face, his tone never matched his words – he sounded less and less angry even if his words were meant to be irate…

i smiled inside, thank god for small fortunes. most people could tell i was trying my best to help.

doesn’t really matter though when you dont have authority. my sales director totally stepped up and led the crowd, i was thinking, man isn’t this something that my events director should be handling? the head of the division stood at the gates surveying the situation while all of us ran amok, easily distracted by one guest’s complaints while others stood by wondering how things could be so severely unorganized

sometimes i really wonder where on earth did we get the idea that we could ever be considered ‘world class’ – i don’t think i have ever seen such low standards of organization in my entire life.

i was briefed for a total of 2 minutes, i had to figure out things all by myself, i tried to assist people to my best abilities but at the end of the day i mostly had to turn away begging people and tired crowds with my most apologetic smile. i had to deal with rude policemen, fedup third parties, inefficient management, and i was part of this whole mechanism that, by my estimate, made at least 1,000 people most unhappy in the last 24 hours.

by the time it was 12:00am, the crowds were still stuck at the entrance, struggling to get through. as they tried to make the best of that hour, i could not help but feel that we failed them all. as the crowds thinned out, with many who purchased tickets walking off instead of continuing to attempt to go in, my manager cheerily gasped and said, “now we can all go off early!”

i was dumbfounded by her lack of foresight in not realizing how badly we had managed to fail the expectations of people who had invested in having a good new year’s eve with us.

i can’t stress enough, that this could possibly have been the worst new year’s eve i have ever had. and what’s worse is, i am certain that i am not the only one today who thought so. every turn was an obstacle, a queue, a line that only grew longer and longer and not shorter. different answers given by different people to the same questions, none of them sure enough to pass on their answers as the “official” answers – so some people jumped back and forth, queuing for hours and hours. i wish i could stop remembering the yelling, the pushing, the endless queries.

i was told that we needed to come back and help due to a lack of manpower. i believe now, truly, that it is not that – it is simply because those in charge of the logistics were not able to foresee what kind of management we needed and so just asked for every resource possible while having no idea on how to allocate those resources. at my tent, we stood side by side, about 6 people idling as the night crept past 10, leaving only 4 due to boredom incurred by the other 2, to deal with angry mobs who were being shuffled back and forth 2 locations just to get TAGGED. disorganization aside, the maddening inflexibility of the management, not being able to do small favours of assess the situation accordingly so as to avoid antagonizing an already frustrated crowd …. those things.. those things drove me mad…

i wish i could just find a way to forget the last 10 hours of my life. except for the ride home, i really didnt enjoy anything at all. not even the beer dudes who lingered around to talk, and ask me questions, or the guys who replied to my “steady lah”s with “i’m single, not steady”, and winks to top it off; the girls were all so beautiful, and the men weren’t actually bad looking tonight. i was so confused.

anyway.

in retrospect, i think this year might be one of the best years of my life. i started last year.. doing.. something. no idea what. oh actually i think i went to malaysia. no idea. i graduated with no idea on what i wanted to do with my life, i stuck with a person who really wasn’t worth sticking with, i listened to my heart and ignored it for once, i made a bad decision to join a terrible company but in the end gained so many friends that it seems almost worth it to have suffered all these injustices which i have in the last 6 months. i met people that i would otherwise never speak to, i learnt to judge people by what they do and not what they say, i let my often soft heart harden a little bit more and that made me all that more real. i got my iPhone which has so much so enriched my life… i got a macbook and that has increased my networth in the working world (haha)… i learnt to make sacrifices on my personal desires for the ‘greater good’… i got my heart broken and fixed in the same month, i met this incredible guy who i truly want a future with (no if’s or but’s, just… just.), i dream about a future that’s more and more real as each day pass by. i could see 2010 being great. no, actually, i know that 2010 will be wonderful.

for all those reasons i have said before, i now realize that me, as a girl, as a woman, it will always be as such. i will always be okay. with or without a man, in this world or another, as long as i stay strong and think. just THINK. i think i will be genuinely okay.

yeah.

so, bad new year’s eve, but so what? unlike what the media might persuade you to think, one experience doesn’t define anything. at all.

i’ll be hoping and making my 2010 dream come true. :)

26
December
[2009]


day after failmas


uh i wrote like 2000 words and i deleted all of them because i was not comfortable with the notion of a run-on without conclusion.

made a video blog. deleted it. no dinner. no going out this christmas since last 4 days i indulged in being a reasonably sociable person. got tons of presents. liked most of them. still really hurt by the fact that yyx didn’t do anything. i feel like that defines the entire relationship with a guy and i just don’t see it going anywhere if that’s the way he decided to treat me on something i have harped on for weeks. but last day i have been thinking, the last 3 weeks have been especially hard for him so if i could just show him some appreciation by giving him a break, maybe it would be the right thing to do. though the fact that i texted him and wrote him so many times and didn’t get any reasonably pleasant response is more than enough to miff me and throw me back in to the game. so i went out with a lot of people the last few days. not out of spite, but just to break myself out of this nasty idea that ‘devotion’ is always reciprocated. enough.

yeah so i did. today marks the first day i have been alone with myself in a long time. stayed in, watched scrubs, laughed alot, wished i could be one of those people, any of those characters (even the janitor…). thoguht about my ‘feelings’ and how i seem to have so many of them. wonder if its a good idea to simply let things ‘happen’ and not ‘fight’ for them like how i normally would. but you know, i really am so tired of having to be the one who fights for anyone, so im just going to stop. i am going to stop making excuses. i am going to have friends who i don’t just talk to when my bf isn’t around, im going to have friends of the opposite sex and im going to be able to smile even when my relationship isn’t perfect.

time to let omeone else overthink, overanalyze and worry about ME. im done being that.

thats my new mantra.

23
December
[2009]


if you like it then you should have put a ring on it

ow i shouldn’t have drank so much last nite ;_; head pounding

woke up today and saw some shit that i really didn’t want to see and found out some shit last nite when i came back home that i didn’t like hearin’ either and passed out; i think i justify the midweek drinking with the terribad movie which is avatar – sorely disappointed!!!! why was it so cheesy and why did it feel like the most obvious exploitation of pop culture’s current need for fantasy/scifi stuff now? it was like a really long world of warcraft geek’s fantasy – instead of a lead who is fat/skinny/acne-infested/no-life, replace the ‘outcast’ attribute with a wheel-chair bounded dude and you’ve got yourself Avatar

fuck me sideways james cameron suck less

so i had to drink myself slightly sillier to forget about avatar, its nice to have dudes who don’t really know who you are yet so they are willing to take time and sit around with you until 3am in a bar and listen to you droll on about the most stupid things; i tested their patience time and again and somehow they stayed!!! and they pick up the tab too…yippeee.

omg i keep hearing this song!!! beyonce knowles’ single ladies kept on coming on in the car ride home and i lol’ed non-stop the whole ride home, felt so super high, and when i came home i continued these antics on the internet and i woke up with some really bad hang over that i had to take a hot shower and a shot of lime to get rid of

just sittin’ ard waiting for my hair to dry now… got to take a cab to work again… im soo tempted to ask ryan to come pick me up again but hmm i think he is gettin’ the wrong idea so probably a better idea to not do that…zzz

i wanna empty my ipod and refill it with shit but i dont even know if i can have the time to sit around and resync all this music

;_; not looking forward to end of day today.. so many pressies to buy back.. when i got back to office there was a bunch of birthday/xmas stuff piled on my desk and i felt intimidated.. it hink this is a sign that i have to buy shit for EVERYONE ;_;…………. and i am going to shop at the middle of today and end of today so i can not embarrass myself further

;____; least i get to have lunch at wave house today. maybe i will see that awesome barrel riding coach, he always look so cool on the wave!!!!!

;____; fk workkkkkk

14
December
[2009]


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materialism

i am in serious trouble, and not the financial kind, mostly because i have like a ton of work to do and i have lost all motivation to actually do it in my free time.

lately i have been talking to a couple of people who are also young working adults who can’t seem to understand how i have managed to put myself in such a fix. when i tell them about the fact that i work nearly 18 hours a day, and i have to put so much personal resources into sustaining my position (also known as ‘looking at what internal resources are available first’), they are baffled. because the company that i work for is a really large company, you would think that some resources would be pre-allocated as per job scope, instead of relying on an employee’s personal resource.

case in point: the mac. i work in marketing where there is only ONE fucking copy of freehand on a pentium 4 PC (mine…), and all the agencies work on the mac platform, so when they burn the media projects for us to modify in-house, in hopes of reducing project cost by not being charged exorbitant amounts of money to change a single word in an advetorial, i can never access it. retail has got 2 huge 24″ iMacs and so does comms and a couple of other divisions. marketing, the one department that needs it THE MOST doesn’t.

last friday i spent about 10 hours of my time working on a piece of artwork that only took forever because nothing was planned in advance. as one of the bigger revenue drivers for year-end activities, somebody would think that this project would get more attention. i mostly helped out of pity. the girl in charge of the project is a friend, so i did my best to deliver something that was decent. of course, being the stupid perfectionist that i am, i paid attention to even the stupidest details, thus taking up about 10 hours of my time.

then i stayed until 9:45pm to finish a second project.. which, after i came home, i took another 2 hours to tidy it up… following on saturday/sunday, i didnt do any work at all. i knew that if i wanted to catch up on my work, i would need to finish it up during my own free time, but this weekend has mostly been a meandering trail of WHAT THE FUCK so i just forgot about it. conveniently.

anyway, yes, definitely quitting job. spent an hour yesterday looking at job listings. i am thinking if i spend another year right here at shitosa i will be able to get a job thats marginally better in salary and emotionally beyond what this one affords. plus i would probably spend less time working too.

fuckkk. can’t wait to quit.

K SO MY BOYFRIEND JUST TOLD ME ABOUT SOME CHICK who has been digging him for the past idk 6 months and how huge her tits are. pretty good. me and yyx have been fighting offhandedly for a bit now, and i can’t quite figure out what’s wrong, whether or not the problem lies with me, him, us, or just the entire context of our relationship. i mean i adore him, and as i always did i adore him still, but i wonder now if our feelings are mutual, whether or not they have shifted from where we began, whether or not its wise for me to continue trying to please him at every turn, while trying to level with him as an equal in terms of intellect and for him to take me seriously…etc. sometimes i feel alot lesser than he is, the calibre of everything he likes to do,  it lingers in the spectrum of ‘best’ whereas i am at most mediocre. i am of the opinion too, that whatever you choose to do, you must be prepared to do the best that you can (probably why shitosa hired me even though the job needed 5 years of experience and i had 0)..

but sometimes, just can’t keep up, and its exhausting

i miss.. hmm… being independent… it came as an epiphany, that once i too was perfectly happy being alone, and post-allan life has been always a whirlwind with a romantic element somewhere. nick said i am so afraid of being lonely that i am always looking for somebody, and when that somebody reciprocates sufficiently i just let myself fall deep, and once i realize its an abyss, that the only motion is downward…well, it’s beyond the literal. how funny is that?

once you go down there’s no coming up

maybe that’s why allan has always been so important to me.

anyway

materialism has been a dominant theme in my life these past few weeks, i’ve been shopping alot o_O buying shit tons of clothes and lingerie and techy thingies, i got $500 bucks from some gold my mom sold (yah she sold my baby gold…for $500…she sold something that has been sitting for 25 years, reeking of sentimental value and potential to be a family heirloom, for $500 bucks. she is so stupid) and now i have to spend half of it on christmas presents for the office.

..

sigh

i probably have to buy people i dont even like shit because otherwise people will think im rude. I HATE PARTAKING IN SOCIAL FORMALITIES LIKE THESE, these presupposed ‘norms’ and ‘politeness’ to mitigate face value ETC. are such BULLSHIT. i dont get butt hurt when people don’t remember my birthday; there, its such a huge deal if you don’t get a cake on your birthday. so i did something uber deliberate; they were planning on celebrating my birthday on 17 dec — i was asked REPEATEDLY to go back to the office on that day for a party DESPITE IT BEING MY DAY OFF. and i just flat out said no. i don’t want to reinforce the strange beliefs of society, let alone be part of it… but the christmas present ritual is something i cant escape unless i want to live uncomfortably in the office for the next 3 months.

materialism, lol.

i will probably write again. im like a dam, you break it you face the gushing consequence of an endless flow strong enough to blow your brains out if you stood straight in front of it

>which, btw, is what you are doing right now. the reading. thats standing in front of ma dam. yea nigga.

06
December
[2009]


hey light

i apologise. deeply keenly sincerely i am on my knees and i apologise. my blithe judgment has no place in the world of a person who has made it abundantly clear that what i spoke of is the cruel circumstance of your being. i was in no position to say the things i said, whatever my intentions were (and benign they are, i swear it so) and the reflection of your mother in my image is the last thing we both want. so i apologise. i am sorry.

those three words, the last in particular, flung around as oft as it has been in the past week, is a trial of both of us in patience. i elicit these negative feelings that are infinitely new to you. did you expect your almost perfect girl to be so fatally bad at being good to you?

i have a period i have a migraine i had a bad day; i want some peace i need some time i want you; so many things, sometimes i can barely keep up with myself.

close our eyes. breathe in deep. clear the head. lie down. try to smile, even if the lack of colour is disarmingly bleak. in retrospect, all of our quarrels are meaningless.

you see, i hope, after you wake, you still remember that you love me. i’m still your girl. every single way.

mean while i will simply sit and watch as the fog of this consumes all of me

06
December
[2009]


close your eyes and i

there’s some uber creepy asian magician on tv with his arms wrapped around some chick’s neck and super sleazy euro porno music in the background playing… disorienting.

sunday. 7:50pm. sometimes i think the problem really is me. working at shitosa has only made me more aware of how flawed of a human i am. there’s so many things i don’t know how to do, that even if i learn i still need time to adjust and do well in; in the reality and aftermath of being an adult, it almost seems folly to assume that one should only do things that one is good at. there are several things i am good at, but for each there are a dozen more that i can’t do

there’s a deep sigh caught in between; the constriction of my throat grappling at my futility to talk sense into people and myself, everything that stands between me and things i love… almost feels self-imposed at times

im sitting n the sofa and typing away; my materialism notwithstanding, life seems too complicated. moments ago it was merely a rendering of reality. that each day you spend this much energy simply trying to catch up with things you aren’t even remotely interested in.

i wonder… if he was alive.. what he would say. he always knew exactly what i needed to hear.

i fear. i fear i am making the wrong decisions, saying the wrong words, doing the wrong things again. putting faith in the wrong person, wishing so much to want a life i could dream about the i make all the wrong turns

tomorrow is monday. i have to go to work again. the last 2-3 days seem to have disappear into nothingness and aren’t worthy of speaking of. i wish i wish i wish

and there is no substance behind all this

i wanted to make him happy but now all i seem to do is make him sad. he said maybe… he shouldn’t say anything… because everything seems to make me upset…

shouldn’t the same apply to him too? i should just.. be quiet…

where’s the love i know we both felt?

amidst the fog the sweetness disintegrates and becomes part of the mist that blinds me.

05
November
[2009]


PANIC

i’ve got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
than any girl you’ll ever meet, sweetie you had me
boy i was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
no, no, no, you know it will
ALWAYS
just be me. =)

02
November
[2009]


sorcerererer

wish it had different hair

02
November
[2009]


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just the best or what

his royal highness grumpy old man silk farmer dude commanded me to write a post of the blog which has led to the creation of this lump of text henceforth known as WEISS SHUT THE FUCK UP

emotive is a nice word to use on insensible, emotionally overwrought whinefests who can’t look beyond their own problems – not a strange coincidence that people often use such a word on me…

hosted BSO 2009 on sat. and was absolutely amazed at the crowd response; apparently this is the ~year~ for our booth, ~unprecedented~ reception from all the interesting people, met a few irish men who were REALLY CUTE! BUT WHY SO SHORT?, alot of weirdass japanese people hanging around (you really can’t tell they are japanese until they open their mouths, and the women are like all bambi-eyed and fairskinned) and of cos the awesome brits who make me swoon with that cuteass accent

loadsssss of different people, good experience. i lost my voice for abt an hr afterwards cos its epic fail to say HI! GOOD MORNING! WOULD U LIEK 2 BLABLABLA? at a frequency of 200times per sec

but then bcos of the overwhelming response i got off WAYYYYYYYY earlier. which led to the fatal mistake of answering ang’s phone call……lol. then again, this allowed me to enjoy SUSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111. the MANGO ROLL @ sushiteh is jesus christ reincarnated and deserves salutations from all corners of earth due to the amazement which is its taste of a crunchy lobster fried in between and rolled in seaweed and sticky rice with mango slice on top and the best crab roe ever. evar. evaaAAR.

afterwards went to dxo for a couple of drinks.. k i actually just had 1… as always the boys are mad rowdy and the girls just sit and roll their eyes… oooo… but before i went to ~socialize~ i bought a dress at topshop with a superduper discount (work benefits rock sometimes) and managed to avoid appearing like a roadsign (bso uniform was neon orange) at a club…haha. 1-0 me v.s real life

made some shitty excuse about having to finish wip and managed to escape home for a certain somebody~~` i really don’t mind, i kinda enjoy it actually… had a fantastic time following that morning though i felt like i was papa bear and i ate 12 goldilocks that nite…fucking period needs to end, its like an infinite bloatfest, fuck my life……. i think if i jumped my fats would oscillate for at least an hour

lol

that would be funny.

(notice the degree of appearance as an imbecile i have managed to incorporate into this blog post. yyx you better appreciate it. its all 4 u.
dats all)

brb putting on my serious face

—–

it was an interesting weekend to say the least; catching up with old friends and bonding with yyx, thinking about what i want in life and wondering how close or far i am actually to it. a lot of times i seem to imagine life in a glamorous fashion, but in all earnestness, if nothing else, this job i have has taught me that life is anything but. day in day out we takeover every aspect of production – a one-woman show to market an event that runs about 5,000 large in attendees, $30,000 budget to project a media plan that measures more like half a million – everywhere there is a showcase of people who go way beyond their limit and break boundaries, make new ones… even a cynic like me has to blink and rethink the meaning of it all

today in the shower i had some thoughts, i thought about shithead9000 (woooow) and drew some parallels between him and yyx, yyx is a cutie with sincerity and depth that i truly admire, there is a quiet about him which makes for the most pleasant companionship. i really like that. i thought about shithead9000 mostly because i wondered how much i knew about yyx. what’s his fav food? what’s his fav pizza? what’s his fav drink? what’s his fav band? what’s his fav colour? who’s his dream girl? what’s his dream life? some things i have answers to, others i can somewhat guess….. but don’t know…

hmm… but in retrospect.. i know shithead9000′s favs purely based on time spent wif him, which i too wanna accomplish with yyx. i’m abit.. skeptical… once bitten twice shy… ye know ye know.

but i like the way things are going; yesterday was a bit awkward for me because i felt uber vulnerable. its not as if i have shut myself off to people per se, and even as it is i am still a large book that is wide opened, but some places i’ve cornered off, mainly separating pleasurable sensations from emotions, and yesterday was really hard to keep it separate still, and i cried a little bit ‘cos i felt infinitely, insurmountably scared of being thrown into a ring of fire for not heeding my past experiences…life as i know it is like the unstable charges of an atom, it could you know, neutralize, or implode for big badaboom

-shrug-

damien rice rootless tree, good song.

22
October
[2009]


this time is different, i dont even feel the distance, im not missing IM NOT FUCKING MISSING YOU

jesus.

today was a day of great success and failure. success because i managed to leave the conundrum of mundane work life for just 1 day. failure because tomorrow it comes back to haunt me!

extrication is an interesting concept that has been brought to me very often lately. past one month it has almost been a discipline in itself when i think about how i have behaved in terms of my emotional stability. i was actually really enjoying not feeling like a piece of shit psycho every 2 seconds. but obviously all good things come to an end.

what i dont understand is how you can claim to want to have absolutely nothing to do with somebody and yet find yourself stupid enough to involve yourself in their personal space. soooo i was hoping for some complete detachment but of course, pyth kuratchi being the dick that he is can barely think about anything else but himself and ruin my online pleasure and space

what a fucking douche seriously

people keep saying that i talk about this so much and this indicates that i care about him still but it has nothing to do with that. its more like, “what the fuck get out of my peripheral vision son of a bitch”. i dont like him any more – any more than i liked myself back then, and all i wanna do now is jump forward into the infinite future of good fortune and blessings without the complications of remembering the idaho and utah past

I DETEST THIS SCENARIO, so i made a definitive decision to erase things in the way that i can best handle without any extremity

lets hope this lasts more than a week.

anyway. work starts in approximately 5 hours and i just cant waiiiiiiiiiit for my genius bosses to tell me all the things i have done wrong. you knoe in retrospect i’ve always thought that work cant be so hard as to screw up in every step of the way but i have come to the sad realization that i have become progressively, exponentially worse at my job. and i cant actually fix anything without trying. so in my current state of heck-careness, this is pretty much the end of the road for me

i even contemplated not working so as to escape the complications of being a failbot in s******.

what a ‘life’…

halloween’s upcoming and as always im expected to work. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with these people. its as if they think that the paltry $1,695 bucks they give me a month is enough to compensate for all the opportunity costs i have lost when i do not have my weekends to myself. SERIOUSLY!!!!! EVERY DAY!!!!!!! I GET HOME AT LIKE 10!!!!!! AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY!!!!!!! BECAUSE IT NEVER SEEMS LIKE I FINISH MY WORK EVER!!!!!!!!!

exclamation points for extra drama and sadness. \

raq’s birthday is upcoming and we’re supposed to get shitfaced together. idk if i can handle a drinking session, might be a breaking point of QQ and emo that will continue for another year or some shart. this life sometimes is truly exasperating

somehow, no matter how advance i level in my logic, i still come back to the conclusion that disappearing is the best way to deal with everything

but for now, i am just hoping that khalil boulos disappears forever.

o and i reformatted my computer, win 7 and media center is pretty beast man

addenum: and i just got my period YAYYYY FUCK

16
October
[2009]


you said

that i should write even if my thoughts are tainted. you said you wouldn’t mind. i think about you, of that, and helplessly i smile. in my memories, that is how i’m always going to remember you. i hope i never deviate. i hope i never forget. i hope you know.

yyx, there are many things in life that never manage to emerge from the tunnel of shit which is every day. there were many times in my past life with so many somebody elses that made it seem like its impossible to cherish me, the way i always wished i could be – for longer than just a few months. i always think, there must be something wrong with me. so i police myself – every time i go slightly insane, my feelings explode, i implode, and then shit hits the ceiling fan and i stress whoever i am with so much that they grow distant. then i begin a remorseful period of cleaning up. i let the sweet side of myself take over and make everything ok. then i start again.

it becomes a punishing cycle, and for some time i thought that i am the reason why the cycle ever remains.

but yyx, you know, since i’ve known you, life has become drastically more enjoyable. the courage to face every day has somehow come back to my life. i feel so much freer and more confident. things which challenge me no longer daunt me so much so that i do not even attempt to start doing them. you tell me that, the frivolous wish of mine, to be cherished, is not just a fantasy. its the right way for a man to treat his woman. you listen. you listen and tell me things that i should know, but am incapable of respecting as reality. like the lies, the truth, the things that matter in life and the sad reality of every day. i think now, that i have always looked for something like that, like you, that every day could be made better simply because of that comfort. our light at the end of the tunnel, no?

i told you i was an idealistic pragmatist and you mocked me as the most impractical thing i had done in my life is the whole reason why we met. i warn myself that the idealism has to stop, that those foolish romantic reasons shouldn’t lead my life any further. yyx you know i’m not getting any younger and life has had more repetitions than surprises for me, but even as i grow only wearier, every day .. i don’t deny myself my idealism. its the drug that keeps me *alive*…

some how, you have become the light at the end of the tunnel, that light that i am surprised to find actually exists, because i have dreamt of it for a long time now and had almost given up hope for it altogether. that with those hims, not just him, but those hims, who i take the tingle in my nose and toes for as love, they grew weary of being my light. now every day i wait, i grow slightly afraid, that as i become more attached to you, you too will grow weary of giving and being it

yyx, i’m a stupid coward. im the kind of coward who knows she is afraid of something – for perfectly good reasons – but still ends up doing it, wanting it at the end of the day. so when i see something i am scared of, i will scream and kick…while slowly moving towards the source of fear. i’m a stupid coward, i don’t know how to run, i only know how to slowly and futilely inundate myself in what i fear

so even as i grow more and more scared every day, that you will hurt me, i think, i can accept, i can try, maybe just this one last time, to gamble the risk of being hurt. i think i have left in me, just this one last time, to gamble everything

for you

you’re my clean slate. you’re the reason why i’m okay. and i promise i will make you happy, for as long as you will have me try. and i hope that this doesn’t scare you away.

p.s. i believe that our score for the sushi survey is definitive evidence that we are highly compatible :p