12
October
[2009]


07
October
[2009]


04
October
[2009]


Tags:


Enter your password to view comments.


Protected: 1

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

01
October
[2009]


listen

everything is alright…

01
October
[2009]


an open letter

this will be the last time i ever write anything about you to you. doesn’t really matter since you never bothered reading my blog much anyway, so you probably won’t see this, but regardless, i can say everything out loud in public – that’s the difference between me and you. i always could speak what’s on my mind, never let fear stop me from being honest about what’s inside my head, deal with it when it comes instead of keeping silent

i have known you for close to a year now, i know all the silly shit about you, and i fell in love with you back then because i got so enamoured with the story of your life. i felt like there was a depth in you, a passion within for the things you chose to do, the quietness when you were done chasing the noise and commotion, those little moments we had which made me feel like we could belong. despite the contradictions and paradoxes, those promises you made me but never kept, that boy who thought he could actually love me but found out i was this hard, too hard to love – i loved you still. but you know, every story has a beginning, a climax, and an end, and the end dragged on so long for us because i was unable to let go our of beginning. i feel silly now. but its most likely a good thing, since now we have parted and nothing lingers

i don’t miss you any more. for a long while, months and months, i was convinced that i couldn’t live without you. i let every bit of my emotion and person be inundated with what you were doing, who you were talking to, what you wanted to be, and slowly you closed off more and more of yourself, to the point where you became a complete stranger. i copy pasted conversations between us in the beginning to you, i drove you to exasperation by not letting you run away from that image of who you were, and both you and i sat there digesting the weight of those words, knowing that person was gone.

i think about it in terms of what went wrong, and i realize that nothing really did. we were just two people of different mindsets, outlooks and priorities. i am demanding, you are laidback, i am philosophical, you are escapist, i am emotional, you are strangely apathetic to anything that doesn’t concern yourself – yes, i’m labelling you with all the negative things that you truly are, but those things i say about me are negative too. you can dump a million of me, it doesn’t change the fact that who you are today is so far from who i fell in love with. and yes, i may have become overwrought and emotional but you had a hand in orchestrating such a thing in me too. you don’t CARE about anything but YOURSELF, every impulse you have is evolved around self-gratification, all the bad things you say about people around has got no meaning whatsoever because you’re incapable of even doing the most regular things in life. what right did you have to look down upon others for their vices and sins? what right did you have to mock those who provide for you? what right?

none.

and every time i tried to tell you this, you just.. pushed me back more, and thought i was ganging up with strangers in your household, like a person who doesn’t know enough but has already chosen a side to be on – maybe you felt like i couldn’t possibly love you if i could criticize you, but …

i did, that’s why i tried. i wanted to help you become a BETTER PERSON. a person YOU yourself would be HAPPY to be. i tried to believe the best of you, think of you in the best ways i could, that i fought so hard to get back with you the first time around was just because i couldn’t let myself destroy my faith in you through hearsay. but you went about and proved to me, thoroughly, that you were capable of being a bad person, that you may even enjoy being a bad person

being with these people online really does influence you in ways you can hardly begin to understand. someone said you were just trying to fit in, thats why you turned out this way. the months i was away, you morphed into this disconcertingly self absorbed boy who i think, if i had met now, i wouldn’t have even fancied a bit. leaving me crying because you couldn’t disappoint 3 other people on a game you have played enough of to recreate in your head in an infallibly detailed fashion? walking a dog and being on a walk even when i’m heart broken to not get a single moment of believable reassurance from you? i am trying, i test patience and faith, but you, you are callous beyond belief when you can set aside some time for not one, but two girls who are known to manipulate anything in sight, when they are crying, to tease and cheer up, but you had none left for me. me who was trying so hard to get to where you are, who sat in the dark listening to your sad life stories, wanting to assuage you, wanting to make your life better, wanting to know you better – me you couldn’t do anything for any more unless it didn’t inconvinieced you. you even liked one of them. who are you? who did you become?

you can call me arrogant, but i know i am better than all of them, and yet those are the kind of people you want now. i know i am better because i made something out of my life, i take my challenges and i overcome them. i have something to show for every year i’ve lived. i haven’t spent the last 6 years of my life losing myself in the social fabric of online gaming, and i have no intention of doing so more than i did for you in the last year or so.

so yes, i know now. after the heartache, crying, begging, fighting, angriness and disheartening days, i know now, that we couldn’t have belonged. no matter how much i wanted to. we couldn’t, unless you wanted to, and you haven’t wanted to for many months now.

=)

thank you you know? after all this time, i realize too, that you did everything you could for me. especially the last 3 months, you didn’t stick around because you loved me, you were just being responsible. while i wished you didn’t lie to me, i also know that because you did, i can move on. and i will.

30
September
[2009]


3rd person perspective

[somebody]: fuck
[somebody]: weiss
[somebody]: you are like
[somebody]: a carp
jermine @ wwwwork: im seriously
jermine @ wwwwork: well
jermine @ wwwwork: im serious
[somebody] :i know
[somebody]: let me explain
[somebody]: you are like a carp b/c
[somebody]: they are like
[somebody]: the type of fish
[somebody]: that feast of bottom dwellers
[somebody]: and things that only the top fish dont eat
[somebody]: which allows it to sink down the the sea floor
[somebody]: ok i am like on some drugs today
[somebody]: you are a worm and a fish
[somebody]: lets keep count

25
September
[2009]


and that’s why i’m gonna be okay

“i dont believe you can love someone right away. love is after time, only after time. you can be infatuated with someone, have chemical feelings, be happier around someone, like being with someone – but love is living with someone and knowing them for who they are. the darkest moments, the ugliest habits and after all that at the end of the day if you still can’t see yourself without them…”

15
September
[2009]


let go

being stubborn has always been somewhat of a good/bad for me. sometimes my tenacity gets me to places where i soar high and do great, then at other times i end up sticking around when i really shouldn’t be

he told me a week ago that he was starting to see things differently. as if i am suppose to understand how my heart still beats passionately while his love for me fades to grey. like our words, as we exchange them these days, his attention gripped by something asinine and unimportant, when what ‘we’ wanted became what ‘i’ want now

everyone tells me to just let go. it’s better. so i turn to him and he too, says, move on. feels like i am the one left behind now

so i should let go. heaven knows i am smart enough to know that. still its so hard to think, that i can’t change anything, i can’t love him more, give him what he needs, let him be, let his life be empty of me, just.. let go

sometimes it feels like i’m holding on to the latch of my sanity. when i let go, i’m gonna fall. hard. i don’t know if i will die from the impact, so i hold on.

sometimes it feels like i’m just a coward, too comfortable from where i sit, afraid to move to greener pastures, even while everything decays around me and turns uglier and uglier by the moment.

sometimes it feels like i have no choice, that if i don’t walk away i already am being pushed away, and whilst i stick around i am nothing more than a nuisance.

sometimes it feels like i don’t know who i am. or what i’ve been doing for the last year. like all the little things i’ve worked for have turned into dust, mocking me as evidence of its existence turn invisible to everyone but me.

i think about him every day. i think about him when my eyes close, when my heart beats, when i am happy, when i am sad, when i need somebody, when i want somebody else, when i want to share something, when i need to work, when i eat, and nowadays it feels like i even think about him when i sleep

and it hurts like fuck to know that he doesn’t. he doesn’t ever think about me, nor well of me. i’m irrelevant. my words have no value, he has already heard enough. my love has no meaning, he has already had too much. my thoughts are commonplace and no longer interest him. my voice stirs no emotion other than irritation, no matter the state of emotion it is in. my face does nothing to him, crying or not, smiling or not, dark or light. my body seems to be the only persuasive element left in me for him.

i tell everyone i love him. his friends, his enemies, his acquaintances, strangers. i tell everyone how much i love him. a life i’d give up, a day i would be happy to spend in seclusion, almost anything i could give to make him happy. and now it seems like the only thing i could is to give him back his freedom.

i want out of work right now. i want a day, two days, many days, infinite days where i can slowly decompose all this thought and dissolve all my feelings. i want a cold sterility; and now all i wait, is for someone to step on my fingers, so i involuntarily fall.

i want to let you go. but my heart doesn’t. i want nobody but you and you want anybody but me. i hate you so much, i don’t even know where to begin…

10
September
[2009]


Tags:


1 Comment »


happiness


must write to commemorate this festive moment which has brought upon me the greatest joy of a lifetime: FUCKING FREEDOM!

part of me is like, fuck this shit i never want to think nor write about it, but i realized that this is a hallmark of my adult life and it would be a pity to not write it down so i can reflect on it in the future.

but you know i really dont have much to say about it!!! it’s gotten to the point where any analytical thought is superfluous and the facts stand for themselves and vindictively justify my instincts as a girl and a lover so i am just REALLY satisfied right now. no remorse no pain no suffering and just this relief that brings about the greatest pleasure of all — FREEDOM

and if anything else, i think that the support i’ve gotten from these people i play games with has been quite incredible regardless of how harsh they were or how they handled the situation with me. i mean i understand the complications and i have no blames or resentment because that’s just life. what else do you want. but if it were not for the GREAT BUDDIES i have just made in the past week i would not be alive. i would be uh that worthless desperado whose only intent was to destroy herself and the one who betrayed her

when all is said and done, and i do like quoting myself since the truthisms have just been rolling in, all that’s left is a tragic meme! and moving forward, nothing but happiness.

19
August
[2009]


Tags:


1 Comment »


what i’ve been up to

doing too many damn things for free, that’s what

usually i don’t mind doing shit like this, and actually this particular one isn’t that bad, but man i am so tired and unhappy that i just… i just. i don’t know what else to say or do. i just know, i either quit, or i  continue being taken advantage of.

and if there’s anything i’ve learnt from my life, its.. to always stand up for yourself. no one else will.

27
July
[2009]


Tags:


1 Comment »


i just want to know.. chebal murahgo

i have been sitting here just feeling majorly upset about the world and everything in general for the past 12 hours. which is just disgraceful considering that the time that i have to myself is so immensely precariously little. why do i spend all this time being upset when i should be having fun, being relaxed? when this is the only time in which i have no obligation to answer to any of my work duties? why is it that in the moments approaching the finality of this weekend all i think about is what i need to finish or what i haven’t done this week?

i wish i could find the answers as to why i am so stressed about just about anything. even now my eloquence fails me. the clumsiness of every thought i have. that friction between what i wish my life was and the reality of what it is. as if i just lost control of everything that i felt life owed me to be master of. my every free minute in essence a privilege and not a right.

you could not feel any more tied down than me, i think. or maybe you could. after all i don’t have to be responsible for any one else’s life. i just need to live each day by itself. just keep on moving on until.. i can’t any more.

there’s this song in moulin rogue. it speaks to me. why live life from dream to dream, and dread the day, that dreaming ends?

18
July
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


15
July
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


mother nature

…went to the butterfly park thing on tuesday, had some weird meeting in the morning… what a fucking bad day, and when i went home all i did was mop around and be unsavoury. i really hate myself sometimes

mother nature is truly glorious, no? even in captivity. i stood around and had butterflies land on my back, hair, arm, etc. i really wonder what they do to these butterflies to make them so docile. i have a theory that they drug them in the feed. the place looks really cool now – small, but cool enough still – it has some species of turtles in square boxes of water… giant cockroaches… beetles… maccaws… toccans… (sounds nice enough on paper, no?) – but if only it was bigger.  the capacity is the only thing that makes the experience weak.

sometimes i wonder if i am even suppose to be sure of what i am doing. am i meant to be so stubborn and unaccepting of things, should i be constantly criticizing our relationship, should love be simpler, easier,.. should i be in this job, doing this day after day, should life be this effably inconsequential? i was so sure that my life would have been different – exciting, terribly intense and exhausting, but entirely rewarding… now i am just some code monkey, really. maybe an email monkey. i don’t know.

boss said we need to be “results oriented”…  not an unfamiliar concept to me… but the truth is, how do you EXPECT me to be passionate about what i do when im told to do this many things in this many hours, “if not”..? its a joke.

thats how i feel about my life now. what a complete joke. i miss being a bum. not because i had no responsibilities, but more than i had no obligations to entertain situations that i havent the least bit of interest in.

so i took mc. today. i have mc, tomorrow too. the boyfriend says i should go to work. pretty sure he just wants to get rid of me so he doesnt have to bother with me at all.

yeah. our relationship is hella stable.

not at all. i keep trying and trying to move on in my head but being the obstinate person that i am, i just like to rub salt on my wounds and talk about the same bullshit over and over again. i feel like a mad scientist who was asked to predict the number of years we have left to live on earth, and realizing we have only a day – i do the math over and over again, even though i yield the same answer: 1. i keep doing it because i don’t want to believe it

but i know i am right. i hope i am wrong, but i know… i am right.

12
July
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


things i love

1. green grass that never stops being so curiously pretty regardless of its supposed insignificance in today’s world
2. paul frank (shut up)
3. k bones
4. my iphone (if it is not out of the question i would like to have its children)
5. eureka (!!!!!! sheriff carter ;_;)
6. the sweet smell of success
7. my dad
8. my mom
9. my mom on an ipod playing solitaire and bejeweled for 12 hours
10. my new bedspread (i never want to get out of bed)
11. my new attitude towards work (if it ain’t done it ain’t done, don’t fret)
12. my new attitude towards the brokeass work computer (everytime it struggles to process my requests, i just take out my iphone and play tetris till level 15 — usually it’s done by then)
13. clouds
14. soaking my feet in water while eating lunch
15. my computer (huggies super speedy child of mine, i hereby name thee wonder baby)
16. smelling like yu yee oil
17. dotchi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
18. my camera (till death do us part…k)
19. kbones (again!)
20. korean music (you are my booooooooo ^_^)
21. roniel romero (my brother from another motherrr)
22. durian (:X)
23. birdies!
24. swine flu!!!!
25. being able to stay awake at 3:27am at night without feeling like shit!
26. firefox 3.5 ^______^ i ditched chrome.

28
June
[2009]


Tags:


1 Comment »


do we have a problem here? you tell me

total expenditure on saturday was around 650!

21
June
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


sandy good times woo

soooo hotttttt

didn’t bring the big gun out today so i have crappy photos again,… i was scared it was going to get stolen

i’m abit stuck between writing about what happened and just being philosophical in general; i wrote like 5 paragraphs about the beach party then i realized it was not even remotely interesting for anyone other than me to read so i deleted it all

so, life lessons:

1. i suck at doing simple things, i get nervous and scared and freak out even when i am a perfectly intelligent girl

2. how often have you looked at someone who is fucking up and wondered how it was possible to screw up something as mind-numbingly simple as “THAT”? yeah. i was that dude who was always wondering how people fuck up simple shit like making links on a webpage, and today i had to be in the shoes of people who i always criticize and i found myself failing, as they had. interesting, no?

3. i used to think that singapore is a city full of colorless personalities. people who are such shells that you just can’t see any depth in their person. but today i met alot of people who were very different. there was this paranoid dude who was skulking around for freebies, some androgynous girls/boys who were being absolutely cool with their behavior, people sitting around and just having a ball doing nothing but laugh and play with a beach ball, drag queens who have no shame in their flamboyance and were just so totally chill that i wanted to facebook them on the spot (but of course i didn’t…)… and then there were the surprising people who seemed so cool on the outset but are such turnoffs in our 1-to-1s. goes to show you can never assume too much about life ANYWHERE, even in metropolitan cyclic life singapore

4. on my way home there were some malay people hanging around my seats, some chinese national girls sitting in front of me, a rowdy bunch of german expats being completely obnoxious in german (they were going, “anyone understand german here?” and i didn’t respond, so they went on yakking off some really annoying shit in german. suck it i understand you, i just cant be arsed to reply) and some chinese singaporeans walking and standing near me… and that’s kinda like how singapore has always been. i could hear like 4 different languages and speaking styles all at once and completely understood what was going on. you know how some people say that the normality of a child is the perception he is acquainted with in his growth; that his surroundings allow him to create an identity that he can relate to in order to “become” his own person? well, i just realized today that i am really blessed to live in a world where the race of an individual matters SO LITTLE in the merit of him or her, that i can walk into any area and never have to deal with the issue of segregation, that the “majority” is of so little value when you look at things in a micro-perspective… am i being overly idealistic? sure! but do i give a fuck? no! i’m just happy that i am not tainted with racism, that even though my parents and family are racist i just AM NOT

5. natasha bedingfield is cool

19
June
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


no parking? lol, park you

123456

freaking peacocks they are everywhere

19
June
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


i do it for love love love


man i read my last post and lol’ed so hard. the typos made me sound like a complete imbecile. it was great comic relief.

i got to work this weekend again (figures)…everyone picks on the rookie, give me the shit bits of the job that doesn’t count for much but is hella annoying to do, make me come back during weekends knowing i can’t say no since i am under probation, blahdittyblah

how much can a person fucking complain?!? honest to fuck! i am so sick of hearing myself whine!!!

actually its odd that i am all super negative here because i have been more proactive and less complaining in view of what i’ve been shoved with this week; i am getting busy… which is sort of a plus and minus thing. i definitely need to work from home, in fact every night this week i have just been working after i come home… but i think its not so much “oh my fucking god i have to do this again” but more “lets make this greater than great”. that’s alright by me.

i got assigned my first ‘big’ project… my supervisor is walking me through it since i have no marketing experience but i am pretty excited! i delivered 2 electronic direct mailers and produced one of them myself (teehee), made a logo, set people straight on the holy path of technology, stole local admin rights on my computer (shh!!!!), made new friends at the office, finished workshop and left a great impression on at least 3 people, learnt to make 2 types of balloon animals , battled giddiness and migraines, slept soooo very little, endured a computer with 512mb of ram (srsly wtf it ran out of memory trying to open a 12mb jpeg in photoshop W T F), resisted the temptation to just take $1k and get a decent lappy to do shit on (i am not spending money on work they pay me too little as it is) and had an incredible week with the bf. good fucking shit. :)

tmr the nightmare starts, i am so sure. everytime i am thankful and stuff, shit just conveniently hits the ceiling fan

11
June
[2009]


More whining

This post is likely to be full of typos considering that I am writting this from my ipod. I wanted tfo blog but I wanted to lay down since it’s already pretty late here but whatever.

So it’s been about 10 days since I started work and I estimate I’ve spent about 60 hours a week at work. I get no OT, I’m still on probation, I’m working on other people’s portfolios and yeah I pretty much hate my job.

Now I have to work on Sundays too.

Basically i hate my life.I think the reason why I resent all these tradeoffs so much is because I did not want the job in the first place; the sincere truth about working there is, I fantasizes a good time to escape the question of “what do you want to when you graduate?” and seeing as I had no wellrespected ideas on that, I went with a fantasy scenario that I somehow haphazzardly (is that a real word?) fell into. This is typically described as a dream come true, no?

But for me it’s been nothing but uneasiness, disgruntleness and grumbling. Yesterday I was designing something from home and I got so hooked that I kept on going way past my bedtime. I knew I was going to be groggy and tired but I didn’t mind or care. I was just so damn happy to be dong what I love

I tried to take the advice of the wise and of those before me. But this is just one of those situations where I am so thoroughly unhappy at the core of me that I blame myself for not heeding my heart’s calling and just worked in a media agency. I keep taking my love for design for granted, secondguessing it’s value at every turn. But design is a life skill. It’s analytical and demanding as it is constantly evolving; it requires commitment and it’s a discipline that is so fundamentally instinctive that it’s definition can never be compartmentalized enough to present in general terms. It’s subtle it’s specifc and it’s so deliberate. But it’s emotional and wellprincipled, classic and modern, all this control that’s toted by the threads of creativity you must have to survive in this industry

And when I think design I FEEL passion, like I haven’t felt for anything else. Marketting seems so one-dimensional in comparison. Like the end goal is s fundamentaly tied to sales that there is little integrity or sincerity underlying the process. It’s almost like an empty shell that is entirely self serving by nature. I really hate it.

What’s worst is I ark with people who act like designers but have no skills to create and so they delegate the work to angency or someone who will just do as they say. They want their creatives done the way they want it, fuck whatever design rationale that may lie behind it. If it’s not done their way, it’s not done right. So why hire designers if they like to play designer so much? Oh wait…cos they are too stupid to learn the know-how to do the work. And even if they did try, their sense of asthetics will just result in generic work that has no value.

They wouldn’t k ow what to do Unless it was written all in black and white for them.

I hate this job……….

06
June
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


weekend… halleluuuujah


was late to work on friday (by 10 minutes…) but got lucky enough to see a rainbow as a result!!! that made me smile! who gives a fuck that i almost fell off the bus afterwards? :P

there goes my first week at work, during which i have done nothing but whine every single night to him and he has done nothing but listen and be encouraging. i can’t ask for anything more. =)

still not so used to the rhythm of working life; in some ways i feel a bit liberated from the mundane humdrum of not having no real responsibility or purpose in life, but the exchange of that for a cycle beyond my control can be too much for me. i hate that i have to answer to someone else, some other people, whom i truly don’t care about…

guess i am learning some stuff though. i don’t want to write about work, even though it took up 50 hours of my life this week. that’s how much i don’t care. and i hate that i don’t.

but friday made up for everything: went to watch night at the museum 2 with my cousin elvina (the darling of my life!), my aunt and my family (-dad…). it was so fucking hilarious and thoroughly enjoyable, and i felt all the stress and dissatisfaction and unhappiness from the week of being part of the Working Society dissipate.

elvina is so much older now; i still have fond memories of the times she tortured me with her tactical attention-getting antics – like when we had to baby sit her during the holidays and she would wake me up at 8AM and i would have to put on the telly and throw on George of the Jungle just so she would sit still… or her wonderous expression when she first tasted campbell soup, how magical it was to her that the gloopy can of stuff could become a delicious soup; or the times when we ate jumbo hot dogs with cheese in the middle and the squirts that she made when she bit on the ends too hard; now she is going on 12. time flies too fast.

family sat down and we talked until 3 am. it was weird to see how we could all relate to each other despite not having spoken for months. all the youngsters are joining the workforce now i guess and our grievances are common; i called our plights and refusal to comply to stupidity a genetic fault, and everyone laughingly agreed. whatever reasons we might have personally, our judgments of others beside us stick out like a sore thumb – we can’t deal with stupidity. not when we were 16, not now when we are 20, not ever even when we are 30 or 40 – as evidenced by my very angry working aunts. i love this family. i love how we swear in front of each other, how we are suddenly enamoured by the korean culture; i love how strangers are roped in, never leaving anyone out; i love the delicious bbq we always have, the endless rowdiness that just spontaneously happens whenever we are together; this energy i can never explain. this energy i am blessed to have even ever experienced once in my life =)

30
May
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


one of them…soon.

from becoming one of them
must… blog… before… its… too… late
yeaaaaaaaaaaaah.

1. big bang feat. 21 – lollipop: you need to tell me why i haven’t gotten sick of this song after literally 100 repeats. i still sing along when that dude goes “nae sarang bling bling like LED”. something is wrrrrrong with me.

2. hot hot hot and humid humid humid: long hot summer is becoming too big of a cliche here. i need this worthless weather to cool itself off so i will stop contributing to global warming via the excessive use of the air conditioner.

3. i am watching myself dance to lollipop on webcam…idk.

4. job… got a job… dunno, i don’t think i want to talk much about it yet. i’m not excited… i’m not happy… i’m not grateful… i am just wishing this weekend lasts forever :( because come monday, i will never have more than 5 hours to myself before falling dead asleep. 9.5 hour work day? which worthless fool devised this period? that is so FUCKING ridiculous.

5. maybe i have the swine flu. i am not even shitting you. went to raffles hospital for a pre-employment medical check-up and there were so many sick people around… i am so stupid, i shouldn’t have gone to a hospital; i thought that a hospital would have more resources and hence be able to complete the medical faster…WRONG. fucking hospital took FOREVER to do anything. i said ‘fuck’ like 20 times in 5 minutes because of how BORED and COLD i was waiting for the GOD DAMN WORTHLESS SHIT OF A CHECK UP TO COMPLETE. and when i was COMPLETELY DONE, i had to queue up at the WORTHLESS COUNTER to PASS MY FUCKING FORM to a NURSE. there must’ve been like 5 of them who went and came repeatedly, totally ignoring those of us who were just waiting for them to just TAKE A PIECE OF PAPER FROM US. NOT THAT HARD. YOU COULD HIRE A MONKEY FOR A JOB LIKE THAT. BUT NOOO. WE HAD TO STAND AND WAIT AROUND LIKE IDIOTS.

6. you have no idea how mad raffles hospital made me. singapore is a horrible place with people who have no manners and terrible service, no matter what industry you are in. the moment they are not serving a person who is white, they show their true colors. the only way you get some attention around service is to put on a fake western accent and fool them into thinking you are not a heartlander. cos the moment you reveal your heartlander status, they just tell you to shove off and wait while they, i dunno, scurry worthlessly and gossip amongst themselves while the phone rings off the hook the whole time. to be fair, they weren’t REALLY gossiping, but STILL………… they made a lot of worthless idle talk which THEY SHOULD HAVE SPENT JUST TAKING A PIECE OF PAPER. FROM ME AND THE 4 OTHER PPL WHO WERE WAITING.

7. calm..the..fuck..down..weiss.

8. big bang is so cool

9. my $210 book shipped, cool

10. i dont want to fucking go to work for fuck’s sake seriously this is pissing me off so much lololol.

11. i put on too much weight during my holiday but i am fairly confident that working will make it go away

12. i bought my brother and sister left 4 dead, i tried playing it, it only made me sick

13. my mom is pissing me off, she keeps saying shit like, “don’t be short-tempered at work”, “you have to be responsible for yourself and wake up on time”, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULL SHIT. I AM THE ONE WHO GOES TO SCHOOL ON HER OWN ACCORD. I HAVE BEEN WORKING 4 WHOLE FUCKING YEARS WHILE AT UNI. I MADE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY OFF MY UNI LOAN BY THE TIME I GRADUATED. IF IT WASN’T FOR MY DAD IT WOULD HAVE ALL BEEN PAID FOR NOW INSTEAD OF ME HAVING TO PAY IT OVER AGAIN. i am well-respected by my co-workers, well thought of by my peers and very sought after by my clients. AND FOR SOME FUCKING REASON SHE THINKS I AM SOME GIANT BABY WHO IS INCAPABLE OF BEING IN A WORKING ENVIRONMENT. i am SO FUCKING MAD SO MAD SO MAD SO MAD

14. SEE THIS WORK SHIT IS NO GOOD FOR ME.

15. make time stop so i don’t have to think about this again.

24
May
[2009]


Tags:


1 Comment »


i was having a pretty bad one

i’m tired and groggy, i have work i don’t particularly feel like touching (it’s almost done but i am so supremely unhappy with what i have right now), i haven’t touched my portfolio in a week (done designing, needs coding and adjustments, preparatory work), i saw like 10 different jobs i am somewhat interested in but i can’t bring myself to apply for any of them, my computer has this terrifying dirty bit that i can’t get rid of (i think, although it seems like alles klar now considering how that problematic folder has disappeared), i want to go swimming but i have the flu (wouldn’t be socially irresponsible to go swimming in public pools when you are sick), i haven’t taken a single good photo in forever, i am poor, my blog almost broke itself (after trying to troubleshoot it for ages i realized i had accidentally taken out the include for ‘footer’ for plugins, which is just completely stupid on my part, but i couldn’t see it with the generated html), i am so mad about my coding, i have no discipline whatsoever and my code just ends up being this chunk of general !important;s which is just so dirty and disgusting, i have to go in for a meeting at 8 in the morning tomorrow, its going to suck because i’m going to have to face the human rush, i just want to spend some time with my boyfriend and have a happy time so i can embark on the tumultuous task of preparing for work and shit, i don’t even remember why john wants me to go in tomorrow, and i am supposed to have fucking brekkie with him, i don’t know what is with his obsession with trying to feed me, every time we talk we are always talking about either lunch or dinner, i am hungry now, i just had a hotdog and it was all i could do to not think about the intestines and guts and whatever they probably had thrown into the sausage filling, uggghhh, and i farted like 40 times today, LOUDLY, with no apologies

and im fucking whiny as shit, i just want to relax. and laugh. and forget what is plaguing me. because i shouldn’t be plagued. i am lucky in every sense and i need to stop thinking so NEGATIVELY FOR FUCK’S SAKE

but i swear, i was so mad earlier, i slammed my fists on my table over nothing.

-edit-
after reading all that shit i realized how ungrateful i am so i am going to write about stuff that made me happy; coraline and fanboys dvdrips have been released yippitydoodly, my blog is super awesome looking, i fixed my blog problem and now it is better than it ever was and i got twitter to work on it too!!!!, my hotdog was quite delicious, my boyfriend is extremely nice to me lately and has been very understanding and encouraging and more sensitive than he has been in the past and that makes me super duper happy too, my hair looks fucking amazing (forget the bad pix i swear the color is sooooooooooo pretty), i have a hot closet and tons of accessories to go with it (i opened my box of jewelry and i saw all this stuff other people had given me over the years and i was like, wow, i’m glad i bothered to box up this stuff, they give me such great memories), i made a new cellphone charm for my incredislow sony ericcsson w910i so i might actually feel attracted enough to use it some day, my glass for drinking now matches my placemat +10000 after 10 years (literally!!!!!), wonder baby was super cool, i fixed my ikea mirror from my friends YAY!!!!!!! now it stands up without falling over wOOO, my speakers that i mounted to the wall with BLUE TAC hahahaha have stayed up for like a month now (lolLLLL), i have this month’s Mina on my bed (:D) and the stuff in there still looks amazing, my illustrator skills are so up2par now, i have BATTLE FORGE!!!! although it sucks, i got my dad the PERFECT father’s day gift ($210 book called ‘condensed chemist’s dictionary’, he’s been wanting it forever), my computer looks magnificient (i am the best themer in the world), and my room is a swanky 24degrees celcius while outside it is 32 degrees celcius (“feels like 40″), when i went out for my job interview on tuesday there were tons of butterflies around and i felt like i was in fairy tale land, my SHOES don’t kill any more, I GOT THE BEST BANGING JOB INTERVIEW OUTFIT EVERRRRRRR for a hundred bucks (do not tell anyone), my 30mm f1.4 is still the best lens to ever exist, my MOTHER IS THE BEST MOTHER EVER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, i solved my sister’s multiple computer problems (SUCK THAT ADOBE DIRECTOR), i finished boys before flowers, i am getting better at this hangul thing…. and yeah my life is pretty GREAT. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

22
May
[2009]


Tags:


1 Comment »


“because if you are not yourself…then who are you?”


get ready, fragments ahead

1. job interview. thats right, singular, not plural. in my slowpoke fashion in jobseeking i applied for only one job. i got to the pivotal ‘second round’, didn’t do so good down there, and i suppose no clandestine powers were in purview to save me one more time. that’s alright. i’ll wait for the ‘result’ of that 4pm golf-club job interview for a marketing executive and move on. wonder how depressed i will be. more importantly, i wonder how long it will be for me to stop being depressed…

2. brandy’s human album = super duper. here, play it from start to finish – i don’t know how anyone with an iota of feeling could dislike it. k shallow sentiments, overused beats, who the fuck gives a true fuck – i like the feeling it gives me. like a friend who knows what i have been through, what i am thinking…what i am feeling. that’s good music. that’s a reason to love music.

3. relationships. me and him are so good now, i think i may jinx it simply by mentioning it, so maybe that’s why i don’t often celebrate the both of us. but we have so much reason to do it; i think i am slowly becoming less muddle-headed, learning to be less demanding… appreciating all the small things… so maybe, i don’t have all the trust in the world for him now, as i used to do, but i think, i strongly believe (i put some strength in typing that word ‘strongly’ right there) that we AREN’T who we were a month ago; we are so close to who we fell in love with. one another. i am strong again. i can love myself again. i feel in control. like i know what i am doing and i know why i am doing it; and he is not the reason to live… he just makes living worth it. i smile thinking of his face. 5 minutes of just us is enough to help me through the next 24 hours of missing him.

that’s my heart. it knows what it wants and i am not fighting it with suspicion and painful paranoia and insecurity; i see these feelings… i recognize they are mine… but i know i can be more than them; they are mine, but they aren’t me.

better this way.

4. i cried a little bit because of what i thought about while writing #3. crying is an interesting feeling. i often think about my life in terms of the other people i have met in my life, i think of my family and i believe i know how i can make their lives better — what i can buy them, what i can say to them, what i can do for them, and i do those things. but here is the tragic truth. i don’t know them completely. they keep secrets from me. they keep secrets from EVERYONE. something they tell one group of people, they withhold from another group.

i found out my sister is smoking. for the first 5 minutes i was angry. then the anger went away. we know all the reasons why we shouldn’t do something bad, but we do it anyway.

i think of my life and the people i’ve known, what had become of them and what they were doing at the point in which i met them. the smokers the drinkers the juvenile delinquents with a thieving tendency, the addicted the dropouts the artistically talented who choose to relinquish it all for a path preapproved by society, the smart the stupid the slow but persistent, the tenacity in which everyone worked at what they thought wanted, and the sad fact that none of them knew exactly what it was. the elusive life goal. i think of them and i believe, i am so lucky, i came out unscathed. not a smoker, not a drunk, never injected drugs or sniffed glue voluntarily, never fought (enough to warrant bleeding), never had to give up much in life

i am so ok. i am so lucky. i lived vicariously, i took from them those poor moments in life that they had because of the life choices they had made and i retained the wisdom to rise above the misery, my own misery; so i never ended up becoming part of any big group permanently, i never had to look to satisfy myself with a persistent peerage, i was always so happy to be alone

maybe thats why i don’t stick around long, whoever it is that i choose to be around. i know the human spirit is so flawed and thoroughly fallible… that whoever i want to love, the people i choose as friends…if i stuck around longer, i would know that they too are far from perfect.

better to keep them in my mind as the great individuals i have thought them to be.

5. games!!!!!! i got new games!!!!!! and they are fun. but i still go back to guild wars. “better the devil you know”, i guess.

6. i am learning korean. i am surprisingly good at it. ok, that’s a lie, but i actually learnt the korean alphabet. i am so happy about it. now i can look up songs.

7. thats all i guess. soooo much for fragmented ranting….

21
May
[2009]


how do these people with lives upkeep their virtual diaries and presence!?!?

anyway…i made lynda icons for my dock! they are super duper. here’s how i use them:

 having all my lynda training videos saved to a disc or a virtual image, i then keep them handy in a folder and access them chapter by chapter. it’s way better than the outdated GUI from lynda.com; i also handle the exercise files in a similar fashion, so i get ahead with my learning much much faster than i ever would if i had to navigate through the GUI via explorer.

it’s fun doing this, and i highly recommend everyone subscribe to lynda.com; its a great way to learn some soft technical skills!

16
May
[2009]


$153


100% not worth it, but the highlights are pretty

YEAH I KNOW I AM FAT NOW shhhhhhuttttt uppppppp

09
May
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


happy mothers day, my dearest mom

part zwei tomorrow!!

30
April
[2009]


in memory of james

you were the elder brother i never had. and though i never knew you as well as i should have, and i will forever regret that i never cherished you as i should have, i’ll ALWAYS… remember you. thank you for having graced my life with your presence. you made the world a better place with your life and we will never stop missing you

19
April
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


17
April
[2009]


myopic

bit of a bother today trying to sort out my feelings. not too much of a trouble though. had a fight with my mother after confronting her on opening my letters, annoucing to the living room her counts and misdeeds of invading into my privacy. i don’t like it. i tolerated it in the past because i didn’t give her cause to trust me but in the past 5 years i have been nothing but a good girl so i don’t know why i deserve this rubbish.

the way i see it, there is respect and then there is concern. sometimes the latter comes after the former but most of the time the latter masquerades itself as the former. and that’s just not right.

no matter what i do i feel pretty trapped. read my chat logs, thought about my relationship, think about what kind of demonic insurgent feelings i have had to fight in the past month, clarified my feelings with nick, thought about joe, remembered allan, and temporarily wondered what life would be like if i had never deviated from my record of not cheating.

i mean, honestly. what kind of a girl am i now. just some clingy whiny insane bitch who hasn’t got a clue what she wants out of life for herself, so all day long she just looks elsewhere to make life more…meaningful.

tragic.

don’t know what i want out of life still. mainstream wisdom denotes this feeling of confusion as typical and acceptable. nick said that 25 is the new 21 – when in the past, 21 year olds are expected to get their lives sorted out, that life-changing sort of thing has been delayed to 25, so i have really only less than  year to get there

frankly, i doubt i will ever… be able to.

charm. girls all have charms. the charm of a girl differs from age to age, and i had it all down for a while. pretty girl with solid skills in the bedroom and an intellect strong enough to display in public – the younger the more impressive. it was easy.

now it’s pretty hard. when you are this old it gets to you. you just don’t have the capital for that shit anymore.

being stuck in the world of young people is hard when you haven’t a clue on how to grow younger, except act completely childish.

fuck that. i don’t need anybody who can actually replace me, walk away and turn back on me because he is sleepy. i don’t need someone who can’t take my bitching and whining, while i take his all day long. i don’t need anyone who hasn’t given me ANYTHING but promises, and even then my faith falters from his secret keeping. i mean honestly, who do you take me for? i’m this good, i am this beautiful, i am this strong

don’t need nobody.

13
April
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


all eyes on me

trying to explain a lion dance to a foreigner is an interesting experience. obviously i know what constitutes the tradition and culture of such an aged practice, and what inelegance it wards off in its superstition it makes up for in its marvellous art and form. so, without the further aid of being present at the event itself, it becomes almost difficult to verbalize the wonders of such a simplistic act.

the truth is, lion dance requires a lot skill. the coordination and trust between the hind and front legs of the pseudo godlike creature is a test of human cooperation. i want to think, that in order to do a great lion dance, you must devote hours of practice into becoming an infallible entity of one. i wonder what its like to try and master this art.

me, i probably couldn’t muster enough will and discipline to ever attempt.

11
April
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


mostly harmless

cousin got her relationship with some bland boy solemnized today. didn’t go and pretend i was happy for her, since i am not one of those people who enjoy meeting superficial conceited fools, so i dodged the ocassion with all my might. so glad i didn’t too, because my mother and 2 sisters attended and so had a terrible start to their day

so they came home and told me all about it, and i could feel my mom trying to avoid sounding disappointed with how i live; i smiled because i knew that she wasn’t blaming me for not being in a steady relationship with a rich boy, or having a job that pays well and keeps me away from home..and she was trying really hard to not make it seem like that

but it got me thinking. you know how some people go through their entire lives being directed and pointed on by someone else, having lack of ambition or passion for their jobs, and end up just becoming part of the flow of humans who just are? i sometimes admire their lack of personality, their lack of opinion and their lack of protest against anything that actually matters in life. people like that astonish me. but i mostly pity them, because they live life without living. so by the social measurements of success, and for all intents and purposes the definition of it by biology, they may have lived, but really, they are nothing more than becoming part of a machine that they did not consent to build nor deign to alter.

people like that never change. they never know what they want. so sue me for being individualistic enough to want nothing more than to find out for myself, what i really want in life. i am proud to say it, and i damn anyone who dares to comment on how off the schedule of adulthood i am. i will be a bum at 24, i will be a bum at 25 if i so choose, but i will not stop being a bum just because.

i’ll be there when i’m ready. i am and i have always been like that.

anyway, said cousin is basically a person that has no opinions of her own and doesn’t really enjoy life in a critical way; i mean she went to europe for 3 months and came back literally unchanged. how do you live abroad for so long and experience so many cultures and still remain the same person, just more superficially enriched in the ways of the others? how do you not meet people you love and laugh with, get a new insight on what you want in life? how do you come back to the mundanity of a complex materialism that is neverending…?

dunno. don’t want to be like that though, for sure.

anyway, due to this unfortunate event of her solemnisation, mom was quite irked. to ease some of that feeling, we decided to go out for dinner, and we ate. happily. before we left our building for the restaurant, i took this photo of papa and joan. sometimes i feel really lucky about what i have; i don’t even bother changing my lenses any more, learning to live with the 30mm on a dx camera just helps me focus on the point of photography even more. they look so happy in this one, and they really were for the majority of the evening. we made friends with some japanese children, who my brother mocked mercilessly for the most part in the uttering of japanese brandnames and what not (a la scary movie 3740918) and had a relatively good dinner. i went off early instead of going to the pub with the family; there is something really weird about doing that as a family activity, a bit too weird for me to participate in. i didn’t really go home though, i walked around and looked at envy at all the svelte figures of the young girls around me, and thought about the last time when i was that attractive, and decided, quite suddenly, that i was going to achieve that level of attractiveness again. it would be so nice to be like that again.

but until then, i’m mostly stuck here… in a mostly harmless fashion.

05
April
[2009]


Tags:


1 Comment »


i live in paradise

march and april are the best times to take a million photos in singapore. the skies are a perpetual blue and the clouds are just beautiful. i am such a cloudwhore, i don’t know why i ever gave up sky-gazing. i would spend time just riding in buses, mesmerized by how that patch of visible sky would always be filled with the same but different beauty of clouds.

its cliche to say it but the simple things in life really do make it good. but you have to look through the eyes of contentment, and then you would be left not wanting more…

but i am thinking about travelling again; i really want to see places again and now is the perfect opportunity. i want to see the world for what it is before everything else changes again

31
March
[2009]


Tags:


1 Comment »


22
March
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


17
March
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


bad temper

really on edge today. everything irritates me, including the fucking airplanes and their roaring engines. the children downstairs need to shut up and stop playing basketball in the middle of the night. i need a soundproof room so i can be at peace FINALLY. 

 

people annoy me. i really don’t like many of them.

02
March
[2009]


Tags:


No Comments »


mom’s birthday + some more overdue albums

-_- mom’s birthday was in early febuary and obviously i missed the post… i am a genius yes?

have to get out of this groove of complete asininity. meaning, have to start looking at self with the critical eyes of others. get a new perspective. stop acting like a child. look for better things in life. move on.

there is no value in being idle

k, even i can’t convince myself. you wanna try?

01
March
[2009]


that day that day

wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy overdue post on chinese new year…

01
March
[2009]


max

15
February
[2009]


21
January
[2009]


09
January
[2009]


28
December
[2008]


feeling the pinch

money


whenever i get a bit too poor (and i am excessively so due to my state of general joblessness for 6 months), i do the classic thing of pinching every penny. that means every dollar every cent counts and i start to be paranoid about how much i am spending. so i start to cut back on everything i buy but still the old habits creep in and things become bad again

 

 

so i have spent approximately $4500 in the past 6 months, which is a lot of money considering the fact that i don’t do much at all. and obviously, i can’t justify it, which makes it all the worse

lately i have been dreaming about money. seriously. i spend most of my dreams wondering about my finances. if that is not a hallmark of adulthood i don’t know what is

which is really weird.

anyway, i switched my usenet service from giganews to a supposedly less awesome provider, only to find that it was actually way superior to giganews. this makes me sad. i spent a lot of money on giganews. i could have saved a bunch if i was way more savvy. ah.

either way i am not spending idle money any more. i am budgeting. for the next month i am going to survive on $100. i doubt i will make it but whatever.

 

joe’s flowers

the flowers all died. only the weeds bloomed, and even then not all of them did. what does this mean?

it could go either way. it could mean the relationship was doomed from the start and nothing can salvage it; or that i am a heinous florist.

in the spirit of being practical, i choose to believe the latter

 

christmas eve v.s. new year’s eve

i was watching alfie yesterday and the main character said, “christmas eve is the second loneliest day of the year”; the first being, of course, new year’s eve. its odd because my christmas eves are generally pleasant. small gatherings with friends to unspectacular places for a spectacular time, family gatherings with no christmas tree in sight but a lot of loving in the cramped space of our flat – either way it always goes well. which must mean i am blessed. 

new year’s eve, on the other hand, does get a bit lonely. i am almost always alone new year’s eve because it is a day that bodes of so many bad memories.  i general prefer contemplation to rowdy drunkendness and so i don’t go to countdowns; when you grow older and everything exhausts you, you tend to believe the way to tire yourself out is best done in solitude, and not smelling like vomit in the dawn of a new year. last year’s new year’s eve was tragic because a lot of fighting was going on and no one was all too pleased with the way we spent it. we watched terrible fireworks and inhaled a lot of residual smoke.  no one smiled when the clock struck 12; even though the contraband of the singapore sky lit up the night. 

so i don’t really want to think about new year’s eve this year. i am kinda hoping i can spend it alone and have no questions asked. i think i really do have social anxiety. or maybe that’s just an excuse i made for myself so i can avoid people altogether.

22
December
[2008]


lethargy

joe got me flowers for my birthday… they look interesting, don’t they? 

had to sew my teddy bear back together for the millionth time today. it was sitting on my bed looking totally miserable and unbecoming; i don’t know how on earth it gets so beat up when all it does is stay in a corner on my bed. maybe there’s a buncha ants eating away at the seams.

i really hate ants. lately the worker ants in my room have become incredibly brave and started going straight to my water glasses and whatnot. pisses the shit out of me to have to check before i take a sip out of my glass. i hate that. i want to get rid of all the ants in the world so badly.

i thought it was fairly curious for me to have such an intense hatred for ants. after all, a life is a life and what in god’s name could make their life less precious than mine? every time i squish one i actually talk to them. i say things like, “welcome to your funeral” or “whats up, did i not tell you to stay out of my space”

yeah. i have taken to talking to ants. i must be going flipping insane.

killing ants is so easy that it makes no sense to kill them at all. its not that murder has to be point blank difficult; it is just that murder has so much meaning to it that it shouldn’t be this easy. but it is. death is so easy. death comes so easily. i couldnt imagine dying to the fleshy finger tip of any figure but it could just as easily happen to me… can’t it?

life is so unfair. the fact that there is power play between everything on earth is proof of this. mom says that life is unfair and the proof lies in the varying length of fingers on our own hands; none of them are equal, none of us are equal

i used to think that that was a retard philosophy. now i see sense.

i wonder if this blog will still be here when i have children. if i have children. if i could get them to read what i say, if these words would have more meaning to them and give them better parenting than i would be able to in the future. its very odd but every movie you see with a dead parent and a recollection via diaries is always such a powerful annotation of parenting. like you couldnt do better, like dead parents in the form of a memory are much more powerful than the ones who are alive

it is severely disrespectful to say this but one can’t help but marvel at the kind of idea that the SPIRIT of a person is much more meaningful than that person itself. WHY? why can’t we just treasure what we DO have? why do we have to look to the ephemeral? why can’t there be.. some kind of reverance… that doesn’t waver…that doesn’t fail in time when the object is REAL

it’s like love. love is the perfect example of human idealism. that we want love to be forever sweet and romantic, but time destroys it all when mundanity and routine becomes part and parcel of the balance between 2 people. when you start to want more, or want something else; what we want of love is so… ephemeral. temporal. what we need to learn is that there needs to be more, there needs to be some kind of realism to it all, there needs to be practicality and rhyme and reason

thats why love is unreliable. being in love is unreliable. one day you are happy next day you are devastated. the difference could be one word, one sentence, one moment gone awry, and love seems no where to be found, hidden in the visages of anger and frustration 

the various degrees of love are fascinating. 

off to bed i go. woot.

20
December
[2008]


Tags:


No Comments »


birthday post!


 i wrote a lot of shit about my day but it all sounded contrived and retarded, so i erased it all. i am starting to favor brevity over verbosity. this blog is proof. the photo-centric blogging combined with random fragmented sentences sort of calms me down. i am delighted to have so many photos to post, but at the same time there are so many stories behind everything and it feels somewhat wrong to not use the medium of the written word to communicate them, when this is essentially a blog. still, this is strangely calming. i feel at ease when i am brief, which is hardly the norm for me

nevertheless i find myself more in my element when i write about nothing in particular. being specific gets so tiring when the words don’t come out right and do no justice to the event. thats probably why i could never write formoney, and that the only thing i am ever capable of writing is of my feelings.

because feelings are fluid. and sure, i have had a lot of them today, but there is a kind of marvel in being unspecific. i don’t want to talk about a certain part of how i feel, i want it all to come out in a mishmash of the undefined, and i want whoever that reads this to relate without ever understand what i mean

vague and incredible grandiose. that is so me.

more to come. when i fix this shitty blog of mine.

18
December
[2008]


i’m so proud of you baby sister


the hardest part of an education just got over for you; it’s smooth sailing from here on!

17
December
[2008]


the force is strong with this one

2008-12-17_233305i’ve wanted to make something like this for ages now and have only just gotten around to it. its really cute.
16
December
[2008]


an internal family duel may ensue

there’s going to be a fight over where i can hang these. from digital to print is a weird experience. you can do everything on your end to make sure colors end up accurate… but they never do. fuck you snapfish ^-^

update: i lost. something about religion and photographs. LEWLS CHINESE PEOPLE LEWLS

also today: mother baked super shiny chicken wings that were delicious. i had to make myself stop after 2 because they were soooooooooo good

read more  

15
December
[2008]


10 years of friendship

a) reminds me how old i have really gotten and b) how great she really is. i used to say – if i could have just ONE true friend in my life, i would truly have been privileged to have one of life’s greatest blessings. i have her. i could not ask for more.